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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Mother in law!

91 replies

Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:09

My little girl has been stopping at the MIL's one night a week for a few months now, but it's already getting the point that I want to put an end to it!

Shes constantly telling me that my daughter is doing everything first when she's at her house (apparently, my daughter saves all her "firsts" for this one particular night)

On my birthday we all went out for a meal and I said that my daughter was getting really close to rolling over, to which my MIL smiled and said "oh I wasn't going to tell you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but she did that last week at my house". If she didn't want to say it for fear of hurting my feelings, then why bloody say it!!

It's gotten to the point where whenever she comes to pick her up, we tell her excitedly what her granddaughters been up to, and it's always the same "she's been doing that for a few weeks at our house." or "she already did that last week" Every. Single. Time.

Apparently my baby always sleeps better at her house, plays more and eats more (Although when she's sent over how much milk she's having, it's actually less)

I may be being oversensitive. I don't know. Its just really starting to wind me up! I don't see why she seems to think this is a competition, it's not! Shes been a mother to her babies and now it's my turn, I don't see why she's trying to take these "firsts" away from me!

OP posts:
Ginmakesitallok · 25/09/2016 22:22

Send dh to stay at his mum's twice a week. Problem solved

Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:26

I have been trying my hardest not be passive aggressive with her, but I know that I can't keep that up for much longer. I'm thinking that telling her I don't want to miss any more "firsts" so no more sleepovers for a while might do the trick!

OP posts:
ChuffMuffin · 25/09/2016 22:29

Are you sure she's telling the truth? Sounds awfully convenient for all these things to be happening once night week at her house when you're not around, especially as you have her for the other 6 and seem to miss them all!

ChuffMuffin · 25/09/2016 22:29

*one night a week not once night week, dunno what happened there apart from I apparently forgot how to English Grin

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2016 22:30

Mil is being a massive bitch. No way would my 7 month old be staying away from home once a week, that's really young.

WhateverWillBe · 25/09/2016 22:31

Smile and nod.

My MIL loves to tell the story of how ds1 told her he loved her first. And how ds2's first word was nana. And remember that time when he [insert amazing one-time-only action] at my house? And how it was only me that could get ds2 to sleep when he was a few weeks? And how ds1 would run to me rather than you when we called him, hahaha Hmm

It's all bollocks. I don't remember any of these things and i'm not known for having memory problems. I think she invents them in her own mind or warps what actually happened in the memory and thinks about it so much she really believes it.

She also shares and tags herself in every single facebook picture I put up of the kids, with a caption along the lines of 'My beautiful boys'. 'Her beautiful boys' can take or leave her seeing as she lives 2 minutes away and we see her about once every 3 weeks for half an hour.

Planty18 · 25/09/2016 22:31

Your dh doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but you are her mother and miss her, that is more important. I would just say that you find it too difficult to be apart from her (and drop in that it makes you feel sad missing all these 'firsts' given that you dedicate your time to her Wink) so you want to cut back on sleepovers for now. Maybe start them back up when you feel more comfortable or do it once a month or whatever. Yanbu. It would drive me mad.

calzone · 25/09/2016 22:32

Just make excuses about why she can't go.....

This would wind me right up!!

Canyouforgiveher · 25/09/2016 22:34

Your MIL is being an absolute cow. If my child had happened to walk on my lovely MIL's watch, I know she would have suppressed the information immediately so I would have had the joy of it.

She is also probably lying about a lot of it - which makes her even nastier.

I'm thinking that telling her I don't want to miss any more "firsts" so no more sleepovers for a while might do the trick!

Do this.

And what kind of care do you provide for your DH? Is he functioning. If not, she should be minding her son once a week to give you a break. Not stealing your thunder with your baby.

WhateverWillBe · 25/09/2016 22:34

I'm thinking that telling her I don't want to miss any more "firsts" so no more sleepovers for a while might do the trick!

Actually never mind smile and nod, that's a brilliant idea.

Play it very, very sad and genuinely remorseful. It's such a shame but we just have to stop for a few months. I'm missing all of their firsts and it's upsetting me so much, I feel like I just need to be there for them all the time you know? I mean after all, you saw their first smile and roll and [list back all the things she's told you] so I want to make sure I see the next first. I knew you'd understand MIL Smile

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/09/2016 22:35

I'd be tempted by cheerful passive aggressive replies.

'Did she really?! Wow, she does everything first with you! Maybe there was a bit of 'help' with that rolling over, wasn't there?' and lots of bright smiling.

She is being rude, TBH.

Planty18 · 25/09/2016 22:36

I typed really slowly, sorry. Cross posted with a lot of people and you saying the same.

ollieplimsoles · 25/09/2016 22:40

She is being very rude.

I think she might know her son 'doesn't want to hurt her feelings' so she's seeing how far she can push you.

End this now op, because one day she will go too far and you will end up falling out with your partner over it.

She's had her children and their firsts, she doesn't deserve yours, it's your turn now. Get your kid back.

Oh yuck, the thought of my DD doing something first for mil makes my stomach turn...

Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:41

He is functioning, but he's been in a stressed, obsessive phase for the past couple of months so I have to make sure he's clean, fed, sleeping properly. His mother wouldn't look after him, I've asked before and she always says she's too busy.

OP posts:
MrsRyanGosling15 · 25/09/2016 22:42

Jesus Christ my dm does this too,with all the grandchildren. It got to the point where I just called her a liar. Pointed out how it was very convenient that everything always happen with her, with every baby and nothing could ever be repeated or caught on camera or video. In my eyes it's just telling lies.YANBU. just don't go back.

ChocolateButton15 · 25/09/2016 22:45

Could you just not say to her or text her saying that it is a bit upsetting to hear about all these "firsts" and you would rather her not tell you. I know someone who's mil looks after her child and she did say straight away to the mil that she doesn't want to know things like that. All these "firsts" are obviously not really happening. Maybe cut back the overnights to fortnightly/monthly or day time visits if it's too much and see how things go.

Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:45

MIL and I have had this tension building since my daughter was born, I posted on here two weeks after she was born because she was driving me nuts!

Luckily, since then I've grown a lot more confident in my mummy powers. But I talked about this with DH this evening and he said to just ignore her. But I can't! It's like nails on a chalkboard in my head

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:48

I called my own mother in tears over the whole "she rolled over at MIL's" incident. I felt so guilty for missing and not even knowing for a week!
Until my mother pointed out that if my daughter had rolled over at MIL's house, she would have done it again within that week, so MIL must be either lying or really over exaggerating!

OP posts:
AdaLovelacesCat · 25/09/2016 22:52

ur MIL sounds like a prize cunt

MrsRyanGosling15 · 25/09/2016 22:57

Honestly I would say with 100% confidence that she is lying. If she is anything like mine,it's some weird sense of wanting to feel important or prove how special she is in the grandchildrens lives. Which is a bit sad when you think of it. BTW my ds1 had 3 yes 3 teeth before me or dh noticed. And the firsts really aren't that special, it's the middle of the night cuddles, the smiles in the morning or when you walk into the room. It's the everyday things that I remember when I look back now with my eldest. You do not need your dh permission to stop her going. Ignore him, and just don't send her. It's you it's effecting, not him.

TopazRocks · 25/09/2016 22:58

Do you actually believe your MIL? I don't. Why would a baby roll over one week for the first time, then wait another week for the next shot at rolling over? Once they do something new they tend to do it a lot. Maybe next time your MIL tries this, just laugh at her. She's getting a reward by seeing you upset.

My 2nd son walked his first steps when i was at work. His dad saw it. For a moment I was disappointed, then I realised it didn't matter as there are lots of laughs when they find a new skill. They are so pleased wiht themselves they keep practising.

MillionToOneChances · 25/09/2016 22:59

I think your best bet is telling her the sleepovers have to stop right now because you've missed too many firsts and can't bear to miss any more. If she really wants to help, her son could use some time with his mother. That mother/child bond is so strong isn't it? Wink

TopazRocks · 25/09/2016 23:02

And what I was trying to say is once your dd has a new skill, it's you she'll want to show it to as she'll be very proud of herself. Smile Just ignore the bitter old wifie your MIL is.

ollieplimsoles · 25/09/2016 23:04

I also think your mil is talking shit to try and upset you.

MakeItRain · 25/09/2016 23:04

I love your idea of saying you don't want to miss any more firsts. It's perfect. Can you and your dd stay at your mum's for a night a week to get the break you need?