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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Mother in law!

91 replies

Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 22:09

My little girl has been stopping at the MIL's one night a week for a few months now, but it's already getting the point that I want to put an end to it!

Shes constantly telling me that my daughter is doing everything first when she's at her house (apparently, my daughter saves all her "firsts" for this one particular night)

On my birthday we all went out for a meal and I said that my daughter was getting really close to rolling over, to which my MIL smiled and said "oh I wasn't going to tell you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but she did that last week at my house". If she didn't want to say it for fear of hurting my feelings, then why bloody say it!!

It's gotten to the point where whenever she comes to pick her up, we tell her excitedly what her granddaughters been up to, and it's always the same "she's been doing that for a few weeks at our house." or "she already did that last week" Every. Single. Time.

Apparently my baby always sleeps better at her house, plays more and eats more (Although when she's sent over how much milk she's having, it's actually less)

I may be being oversensitive. I don't know. Its just really starting to wind me up! I don't see why she seems to think this is a competition, it's not! Shes been a mother to her babies and now it's my turn, I don't see why she's trying to take these "firsts" away from me!

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 25/09/2016 23:04

Sleepovers must stop. Non-negotiable. Look how upset they're making you!

Next week, say your DH is going instead- can't be busy if she's kept it free for your DD.

Joanna0685 · 25/09/2016 23:04

Don't let it bother you just smile say thanks for having her for the night see you next week, no drama

bloodyteenagers · 25/09/2016 23:06

Any chance you can make arrangements to drop off your girl, but at the last minute change your mind and drop your dh off instead? That way she cannot pull the "I'm busy" bollocks.

ToadsforJustice · 25/09/2016 23:10

Your MIL isn't a very nice person. If she is too busy to look after your DH, she must be too busy to look after your DD. By the way - once babies start to roll, they don't stop for a week until the next roll! Your MIL is telling fibs.

Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 23:12

I don't think I do believe her. I just get that terrible mummy guilt and that nagging thought in the back of my mind.

I think as another poster has said, she's trying to be a mother to her. She's been doing it since she was born. And I think I need to cut this off now and remind her that I'm her mother, and if I say she's not going, then she's not.

The thing is, she has DH exactly where she wants him, she is the only family he's got. He doesn't have any brothers or sisters and his dad's never been on the scene. So hes constantly petrified of upsetting her and losing her.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 25/09/2016 23:13

My first thought since you said that your dh is autistic was does she have any social skill issues? If she does she may need it spelling out to her that she's being very insensitive.
If not then I agree that the next time she claims a first whatever you should say you've been meaning to have a chat with her and that you've been feeling really down about missing out on all these firsts and that you think it would be best to leave the sleepovers for a while.

IrnBrufan · 25/09/2016 23:25

She sounds like a total pain!!! Don't let her have your daughter once a week and make it clear it's because she said you missed XYZ and it's made you realize how important these early days are!
Grandchildren aren't the grandparents second shot st parenthood! She's not 'entitled' to anything from you or your daughter

cookiefiend · 25/09/2016 23:39

If it weren't for these comments would you be happy for your DD to stay away one night a week? That seems like loads- I would n't want my children away that much.

If it gives you a break then talk to her and get her to stop, but if she has bullied you into it (and it sound like it) stop it now.

Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 23:44

When my daughter first went to MILs it was because neither of us had slept in 3 days, Baby had really bad colic and she offered to have her for one night.

When she brought her back in the morning, her and DH had already decided it would be a weekly thing. I told them not a chance in hell. Then they said, just until the colics eased.

But I really miss her when she's gone, I barely sleep anyway because I can't see that she's ok.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 25/09/2016 23:46

Time to take back control. Put MIL back in her box.

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 25/09/2016 23:46

How is she too busy to look after an adult but not too busy to look after your dd? Is honesty an issue often for her?

SweetGrapes · 25/09/2016 23:48

"I told them not a chance in hell" - stick to your guns. You don't need their permission. Tell her it's not convenient anymore.

Something I've learnt here - 'No' is a complete sentence.

SweetGrapes · 25/09/2016 23:51

"But I really miss her when she's gone, I barely sleep anyway because I can't see that she's ok." - Reason enough!
My kids have never slept away till they wanted to...

Original poster
Rubysmummy2016 · 25/09/2016 23:52

I would say my MIL doesn't have the best relationship with honesty. But I've never been able to prove if she's lying or not. Just a gut feeling.

OP posts:
IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 25/09/2016 23:59

Ime when babies learn to roll over they will then do it consistently because they have a new trick, if your dd has not appeared to be able to do it since, it's highly unlikely she did it before. Also ime, if you have time to provide full time care to a baby, you more than likely have time to look after an adult, (with some exceptions). So why don't you send your DH there if she wants to help out so much and, as she is so wonderful, she can ensure he can do everything he usually struggles with for her, and then she can gloat about that instead?

DistanceCall · 26/09/2016 00:20

Put a stop to this now, OP. Or this woman is going to take over your daughter's upbringing. I am sure that that is exactly what she has in mind right now.

As for your DH losing her? As if. She's hugely invested spending time with your daughter. It's she who has something to lose, not your family. Call her bluff.

WinchesterWoman · 26/09/2016 00:23

Just stop it and tell your husband it's over with the the overnights.What a pain. You are giving her a great privilege and she's throwing it back in your face.

WinchesterWoman · 26/09/2016 00:27

Oh and your she saying just ignore her? How about you just ignore him. Get your baby back.

ample · 26/09/2016 00:35

YANBU.

Your DH is worried about his mothers feelings. She doesn't care about yours.

Either end the sleepovers or stop discussing your DD's milestones with your MIL.
If MIL is only announcing what your DD has accomplished after you have mentioned it, then yes, sounds like bullshit to me.

Plenty of time later on for sleepovers. If it's causing stress, then stop. You could always resume later on when your DD is older.

zzzzz · 26/09/2016 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sykadelic · 26/09/2016 01:15

I'd go back to their previous statements and say the colic has definitely eased so no need for the weekly overnights. DO NOT agree to any other days, just "see how it goes".

Then you can notice a "profound" change in her now that she's at home all week and obviously the overnight visit was too much for her but maybe once she's much older. If MIL doesn't notice such a change 'cause she as always a delight at her house: "maybe it's a mother thing, you notice things about your own children more than anyone else, I'm sure you remember the same when DH was little".

Mojito6 · 26/09/2016 01:24

You're obviously not comfortable with these sleep overs. Your dh should be explaining this to his mother but if he won't you will have to. Just be honest, ish, say you miss her too much and perhaps the sleep overs can start again when she's older.....I.e. A teenager and leave it at that. She's your daughter just be strong and don't let her go.

chicknquack · 26/09/2016 01:31

  1. MIL is too busy to help her son but not to play "grand-mummy" (because she is getting a second chance at being mummy here you know, right? Especially as once a week she is co-parenting)

  2. DH is worried about upsetting grand-mummy but not worried that it is upsetting you. Big problem. He may not have really figured this out unless you have told him. If you have told him that it is upsetting you and he persists then ask him why it is more important that he doesn't upset his mother than upset his wife.

  3. She is a cow and needs putting in her place. Apparently you are the only one willing to do that

  4. If she is willing to lie about this stuff (she is!) then she will lie about other stuff to make herself the better mummy and eventually she will get your daughter to believe it too.

  5. While some people do do this and it works for them, it isn't normal for babies to go to their grandparents for long periods of time (longer than an afternoon or while parents are at work), especially overnight.

BummyMummy77 · 26/09/2016 02:05

I know everyone is different but 7 months seems so young to be away from Mum.

Only1scoop · 26/09/2016 02:41

She's been staying there 'a few months' already also, so was presumably only a few months old when she first started.Does she just have her overnight or in the days attached aswell? If it no longer works for you then speak to her. She must however be someone you have amazing trust and faith to have began this arrangement in the beginning.
Are you and DH together all week days and nights if you are his carer? Can't she help you out there?