AIBU to think 16 is too young to drink?

[CHJR]

Needless to say we are talking about my PFB (there are 2 younger). He has never really had more than a taste of alcohol before to my knowledge, but last night when we were all at a family party he had at least three glasses of wine. He was with schoolmates, one of whom had one small glass and the other of whom didn't touch anything. As background, where I come from it would certainly not be legal for a 16-year-old to drink, even in family. And perhaps more important, my husband is an alcoholic, and descended from a long line of alcoholics. High-functioning, in his case, as in holds down a good job, but drunk every night within an hour of getting home from work, at least three bottles a night every single night. (Don't go on about LTB. I have considered it in past, but he is not violent or difficult on it, and otherwise great.)

So, what if anything should I advise my 16-year-old? Am I being too anxious with my PFB?

Putting your family situation aside, yes, it's pretty normal to start tasting drinks from 16.
What I would expect though, is one glass of wine (or beer or whatever) at a family party, not straight in there with 3 glasses. He clearly has a distorted view of what is "normal"
My dc started to attend parties with friends, where there was alcohol, from when they went into the 6th form. Yes, I'd get them a couple of bottles or cans to take with them, and we've had lots of conversations over time about eating first, about drinking a glass of water in between alcoholic drinks, about looking out for each other, about not leaving drinks unattended, about not mixing them, etc.,etc.
My feeling is, if you ban it completely, and say they can't have a drink etc., then it makes it more attractive - I'd rather they eased themselves into having a drink, and did it with more knowledge than someone who can't talk to adults about these things.

alcoholism is also unquestionably hereditary

Not true in the slightest tbh. I have a friend (or associate maybe) whos mother was a raging alcoholic and this has in turn contributed to friends current teetotal stance.

On the other hand I had a close friend whos parents rarely drank. She died last year of liver failure after abusing alcohol for 15 years. She was 38 when she died.

It may play a part, but I don't think necessarily having al alcoholic parent means you will have issues too. Nor having parents who have a sensible attitude top drink means you wont be an alcoholic.

I agree re you may still have issues if your parents are not alcoholics, but I must say, in my personal experience, those who have alcoholism in the family are often sensitive to drink in a way that "normies" are not. My ex is an alcoholic, his brother is too, his sister never drinks. It's the choice she has made with the knowledge that she is extra sensitive to its effect. I do have concerns about my son. He is hyper sensitive to sugar, craves it. I think it's closely allied. I'm only a layman, but I am certain, that just like everything else we receive from our parents like hair colour, talents for maths etc, we also inherit a sensitivity to certain things. Alcohol being one of them.

Not true in the slightest tbh. I have a friend (or associate maybe) whos mother was a raging alcoholic and this has in turn contributed to friends current teetotal stance.

Well you are not going to get addict to a substance you never try, are you?

On the other hand I had a close friend whos parents rarely drank. She died last year of liver failure after abusing alcohol for 15 years. She was 38 when she died.

I do think that the children of alcoholics are at greater risk, but anyone can become an alcoholic.

I think there is probably a hereditary element to alcoholism, although from my own experience I'm not sue whether it's alcohol specifically or having a very addictive personality in general.

Looking at my own family - mum drank very heavily throughout my childhood, not every day but an alcoholic in that she's not capable of just having one. Or two. She's drink almost an entire bottle of spirits in one night. Her sister was similar. Both parents died from cancers which we now know to have a strong alcohol element. All of the above were also smokers.

Then there's me plus 2 siblings. Eldest sibling could drink 'normally', took up smoking at 21 and also smoked dope (died in his 40s). Second brother was an alcoholic, is still a problem drinker, smokes (inc dope), and did large amounts of "clubbing" drugs.

I'm teetotal. But, I started drinking at about 15, as did all of my friends at school. Drinking at house parties was very normal. I last had a drink when I was 18 - no big event, but I decided I'd tried it, didn't like it that much and didn't fancy being a drunkard like the rest of my family. Haven't touched a drop since. I don't think I'd draw any conclusion from, or have any concern about, a 16 year old starting to experiment with alcohol.

Well you are not going to get addict to a substance you never try, are you?

Hmm I guess not. Never thought of it like that. But her choice to not even touch alcohol (to the point she won't even eat liqueurs or anything, like seriously against anything to do with alcohol) is directly linked to the mess she saw her mother in whilst growing up.

I really do not understand why drugs and such are so looked down upon whilst alcohol is totally acceptable and it wrecks a lot more lives than drugs do...

I think at a family party a couple of drinks is understandable, as other pp have said, quite normal to start at this age.
I don't think teen parties with alcohol are normal though, just some parents allow it. My dc friends didn't have parties with alcohol at 16, their parents wouldn't allow it either.
i know some people have a culture of this and most saturday nights someone has a party, but mine were always too busy and health conscious/ into their sport to drink alcohol at this age, except for the odd pint.

My mother developed a problem with drink quite late on in my childhood...I was about 14 when it started. I wouldn't say she was an alcoholic but she definitely did not know when to stop and drank most nights and was a horrible drunk.

I like to think I have a sensible attitude to alcohol but I am not sure if this has anything to do with my mother, or to do with my phobia of vomit. I have never drank to the stage where I feel ill as the thought terrifies me.

Yanbu - but I think it's perfectly normal to drink that much at that age at a party in the UK.

I would point out to him his fathers drinking is not normal, though.

Perfectly normal - and legal if he didn't buy it himself.
You could say that it's GOOD to drink at this age otherwise he won't know how much he can take.

Why can't he fond out how much he can take in two years' time?
Surely the same logic could apply to starting drinking at 14? Or 12?

My approach has been that my son (16yo) has always been permitted to drink, from a very young age. It seems to have worked, as he will drink a glass of wine with dinner but doesn't go out drinking with mates. I wouldn't mind too much if he did get pissed, he would learn not to do it again. However, there is no history of unhealthy relationships with booze in the family so I understand your reticence. I think it is usual teenage experimentation if he has not drunk alcohol when younger.

Sorry, didn't mean to drop out of the thread, got bumped by a homework-pleading younger child.

It is very interesting to see all your thoughts. I wouldn't want you to think I am just overlooking DH's drinking. I have in the past LTB twice, the last time a decade ago, but it didn't stick -- partly because he promised to stop drinking (and on one occasion did stop for four months, his record), but mainly because I felt that creating a situation where he was in sole care of our young children during visitation rights would be even worse. As I say, he is not otherwise a bad man. And he does know he has a problem. He simply doesn't have the will to do anything about it, and though this is still the only thing the DC have ever seen us fighting about, it is sadly clear to me that I cannot control his behaviour if he will not.

And yes, it has had its inevitable impact on our marriage, and I have some many times dragged us both to marriage counselling and myself to psychiatrists. Fortunately, though, he mainly becomes more and more quiet and sodden on the sofa, and we all retreat upstairs and leave him to it.

I feel the only thing I can hope to manage at all is DC's reaction. They know this is not normal. The drinks DS1 took last night were (good point for asking) very small ones, certainly not pub glasses! I think I may show him this thread, though. I have already talked it through with him once today. I told him I didn't think he was drunk last night, that I trust him and love him, and understand it's natural to wish to grow up with his peer group. But that he should know he may be at much higher than normal risk of alcoholism, and I want him to be very, very careful.

This is not something that can be fixed in one conversation, though. And I have yet to tackle my husband. I think, or hope, that while in denial about how he is killing himself, he too loves our children and doesn't want them to copy this behaviour.

In the Netherlands it's normal to give kids a bottle of beer with dinner from about the age of 12 so they learn responsible drinking.

What's the evidence behind that then?

Op I'm sure he loves your children. But he loves drink more and his judgement can't be trusted.

I agree you should speak to your husband. Although I know it's hard because when they are still in the grip of alcohol, even if not actually drunk, then they don't really see how evil it is and are likely to deny the effect on the kids. I certainly do understand you not wanting to leave him in sole charge, it seems that social services/ divorce courts don't really deal with this one do they?

Whatever you say to your 16 year old, your actions speak much louder. And your actions say 'It's ok'.

Your Dh is responsible for his alcohol consumption, but BOTH of your are responsible for exposing the kids to it.

And seriously - you all retreat upstairs every night to allow him to continue to drink? That is beyond fucked up.

Titchy, what is your solution to the OP having to hand the young ones over into his care?? It does happen you know.. It isn't just a scare story...

Ask him to not drink for one month. See if he can or does.

Jeez another idiot who knows nothing about alcoholism. Of course he could give up for a month. He's managed four months! It's the giving up FOR EVER, day after sober day that they can't do.

How does he get to work in the mornings, OP? I don't understand why you're putting up with this.

Supervised contact obviously

Why do you think he would agree to that supervised contact?does make me laugh how some people seem to think that alcoholics don't manipulate the system so there is no apparent reason why they would need supervised contact. It doesn't happen so easily

Slightly bemused by the posters outraged at the OP allowing or permitting her OH to drink. Erm she's his wife not his mum, he's an adult. What's she supposed to do, send him to bed without his tea? Ground him?! FGS!