AIBU to think 16 is too young to drink?

[CHJR]

Needless to say we are talking about my PFB (there are 2 younger). He has never really had more than a taste of alcohol before to my knowledge, but last night when we were all at a family party he had at least three glasses of wine. He was with schoolmates, one of whom had one small glass and the other of whom didn't touch anything. As background, where I come from it would certainly not be legal for a 16-year-old to drink, even in family. And perhaps more important, my husband is an alcoholic, and descended from a long line of alcoholics. High-functioning, in his case, as in holds down a good job, but drunk every night within an hour of getting home from work, at least three bottles a night every single night. (Don't go on about LTB. I have considered it in past, but he is not violent or difficult on it, and otherwise great.)

So, what if anything should I advise my 16-year-old? Am I being too anxious with my PFB?

If your DH drinks 3 bottles of (i assume) wine every evening how on earth does he mange to get up for work or drive the next day?

Putting that to one side i would say that 2-3 glasses of wine in one evening for a 16 yo who has barely touched alcohol before would be unusual. Mainly because in my experience most 16 yo start off on something like weak vodka and lemonade or cider. If he is drinking wine then i would suspect he has drunk it before.

Like others have said he will have a very skewed idea of what is a normal amount to drink if his DF is drinking 3 bottles of wine every evening. I think you may have the start of a problem on your hands.

The people who I encountered that had an upbringing like that, were the ones myself and my mates were scooping out of the gutter on some of their first nights out because they weren't educated or trusted on how to drink because it was such a tabboo subject with their parents.

Speak for yourself!

My parents discourage actively discourage me from drinking at a young age. I'm now in my 20's and still don't find alcohol appeasing in the slightest. I may have a glass of alcohol (if it tastes nice !), but that's only once a year .

Both dc have had the odd glass before 16. However if your Ds had 3 it sounds as if he is copying the pattern of dh. Alcoholism is rarely not problematic. More likely you have developed a tolerance and strategies which mean it has become normal to you and by association your dc. Tbh it sounds like you minimise the potential implications and your dc are unaware of the seriousness of it.

I started drinking at 16 at house parties. Cider/vodka/alcopops etc. I drank like a fish through uni, did the 18-30s-style holidays. Once I started working properly I switched to nice cocktail places and drank less overall. I'm currently teetotal due to lifestyle (pregnancy, breastfeeding, early rises etc).

I think 16 is normal to start experimenting. It doesn't mean anything at this point.

That's really great to hear notgivingin789, i do worry aboyt my children

Before alcoholism invaded my life I think I'd have been in the "glass of wine with dinner" type. Now I think, I wouldn't encourage my children to smoke yet that is legal so why encourage alcohol.

We are not actually as strict as is being suggested here. DH and I do drink, but its a rarity (and only when it tastes nice and there isn't a nicer tasting non alcoholic alternation offer). I don't understand lives where social circles surround alcohol consumption. We are social beings just without the focus on what's in our glass.

With the children (12, 10, 6 & 2) I don't offer tastes but I know in laws have. I'm not going to make a fuss about that but when the child makes a yuck-face (as children often do when trying beer or wine), I don't laugh it off in a thats-cute way. I agree. I make the urgh face too and reaffirm with my child that it tastes yucky.

My children have (sadly) understood the meaning of the word drink from about 7 years old. They also understand the difference between drunk and paralytic (and the word sober too). They understand the scale of drinking and they don't even need telling about drunk and paralytic being bad things - they have seen it first hand.

So all these "naice" adults giving their teenagers a drink at home. I will bet you hard cash that my eldest two (12 & 10) understand more about alcohol than they do.

My children are not nieve and I'm not mega strict about it. Ours is a problem of too much understanding about alcohol, not lack of. But I accept our experiences with drinking is different to that of the general public.

My parents thought they were terribly continental and progressive by allowing us to drink wine with them at the weekends. According to them, this guaranteed that we would never become problem drinkers. Not so. My older sister drinks a huge amount of wine, she just thinks it's fine because it's at home and (to start with) with a meal or whatever. I went through the usual late teenage phase of drinking too much on a Friday night, but pretty soon decided I didn't like drinking except for the very occasional G&T. I wasn't brought up by my parents after the age of 11, which i suspect is what made the difference.

I am strict with my children about alcohol because they have 2 uncles who are/were alcoholics (the "were" is because one of them drank himself to death). There is clearly a tendency to addiction in their family so they need to be aware of it. My SIL is in very much the same situation as you and doesn't realise that her children are both already problem drinkers.

I do think it's important not to be hysterical because making too big a fuss just makes the banned thing more attractive, but no matter how much clear, calm information you give, that will be overridden by "Why not, Dad does?". Your husband's alcoholism has clearly not given your son an aversion to drinking and unless he addresses his problem (and why would he when everything is made so easy for him?) then he is really just showing your son his future.

Experimenting with drinking at 16 is normal but nature and nurture are against your DS on this one. He may have a genetic predisposition to addiction and he's had it modelled to him by your DH and his family. Have you looked at Al-anon?

"I will actively discourage alcohol until 18 and would never give my permission for underage drinking, even a taste"

I suspect that this will backfire spectacularly.

DD (16) went to loads of 16th birthday parties last year and most of her friends got drunk at them. DD likes the odd cider, but isn't massively into alcohol. She doesn't like wine, beer or any of the alcopops she has tried.

She did get very drunk at one sleepover, but I knew it was a rite of passage and thought it was better that she was with three close friends than in a nightclub full of random strangers. Alcohol has never been the "forbidden fruit" in our house so that, along with never wanting to get drunk again has made her pretty sensible with alcohol.

Ds1 used to drink at parties aged 15/16. Now at 20 he barely touches alcohol, hasn't really since 18. Drinking at 16 doesnt automatically lead to alcoholism, far from it I think, as its not treated as something attactive because it's totally forbidden.

How much have you talked openly about their Dad's alcoholism? How acceptable does your son think it is? How much they understand about the fact they are genetically predisposed to alcohol problems? I think openness and honesty are the key here.

My 16 year old DS had a half pint of beer at a family party (which someone else had bought him), and I didn't tell him off (well we teased him a bit), but I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to buy him another one.

I think 3 glasses of wine for a 16 year old is excessive. Why not wait until you're 18?

I don't approve of under 18s 'trying' alcoholic drinks and certainly don't think it prevents alcoholism in later life. There are plenty of alcoholics in France too, and teenage drinkers.

16 is a very normal age to want to drink, and a family party is a safe environment in which to do so.

However, I understand your concerns. I come from a family with patterns of alcoholism on both sides. I started drinking at 12/13 - not excessively, but having a drink or two as a sort of rebellion. By 15, I'd changed my mind and decided I was never going to drink because the risk of becoming an addict was too great, and I didn't drink again until my 20s. I've never been very drunk to the point of vomiting/hangover/etc because I saw it all as a child and find the idea abhorrent.

My younger siblings followed a more 'normal' pattern and started drinking at 15/16 - I was really worried about them falling into alcoholic behaviour, especially when my brother told me that he drank 'for confidence.' We're all adults now and drink moderately - but it makes sense that your family situation would affect the way you see your son's behaviour. I really don't think it's abnormal or a sign of a problem from what you've described, though.

The thing with alcoholism is that the DS will either become an alcoholic or he won't. It doesn't matter if he has the 3 glasses of wine at 16 or 32, if the genetic pre-disposition is there and all the environmental factors are aligned, he will or will not be a problem drinker.

The only thing the OP can do is make clear to the DS that what his DF does is not healthy and that isn't what he should want to copy.

But adolescent brains, behaviours and norms are still developing in s way adults' aren't.

16 is quite a normal age to start experimenting with alcohol but I would be worried that your son has gone from only having an occasional taste before now to "at least 3" glasses of wine in an evening.

Seeing a parent drink 3 bottles of wine a night could be giving your son a very skewed perception of what is normal .

My DD is 16 (nearly 17). She started having the occasional try from our glass to the odd half a glass of champagne at New Year when she was 14/15. Nowadays she has the occasional Pimms at a family party or special occasion but only ever one (her choice).

Your husband drinks THREE bottles of wine a night and you are worried about your 16 year old drinking.

I can't fathom you. That's crazy. It's completely normal for a 16 year old to drink and completely ABNORMAL for a man to drink like that.

I know. I left my alcoholic husband a year ago. He was drinking two bottles a night, then vodka in the morning (I didn't know). Then he lost his job. We had to sell our house before it got reprocessed. We spent all our savings on rehab. Until I had to leave for the sake of my children.

And yes he was classed as high functioning for years. If your husband is drinking 3 bottles I hope he doesn't drive in the morning. And there's no way he isn't having a hair of the dog to get himself to work.

I suggest you deal with your husband issue rather than a teenager living with an alcoholic.

FWIW, I believe that seeing his father like this has put him off if anything; but alcoholism is also unquestionably hereditary.

It more likely your teenage/immature ds will see your dh as weak and believe he is stronger and can handle/control it. If, as you believe, alcoholism is hereditary it wont be long before it has a grip in your ds.

I don't think alcoholism is hereditary, but an addictive personality could be, and it is this which will raise the risk of your ds becoming an alcoholic. It up to you alone (I'm writing off your dh as his judgement will be poor) to protect and ensure your ds has the right environment to give him a chance of dodging the addiction.

Living with an alcoholic will damage your ds.

Presumably her husband is an adult and she is being a parent here. I suspect she is doing or has done everything she can to "deal with" her husband but has found that she can't cure it.

It seems like it's quite hard to drink under age now, they check ID everywhere. I've had my ID checked far more in the last 15 years than when I was actually underage and in early 20s!

Me and my mates were drinking in the park and going to grotty nightclubs at 16! I wouldn't have drunk much in front of parents though, although they drank far more than me. Port and wine mainly, not diamond white! They used to say I drank too much, they were not happy when I pointed out that my once a week consumption was far less than their nightly drinking over a week! I was not an easy teen-ager

I dunno, I guess I'll let my kids get on with it, but I'm hoping I'll know the signs of problems starting with drinking/drug taking as me and my partner are familiar with these things.

Any good suggestions about what to say to DS

Well apparently the children of alcoholics have been found to have a different reaction to alcohol. My dd's father comes from a long line of alcoholics, so I explained to her that she was at a greater risk of becoming an alcoholic. I also told her about the risks involved with the lowering of your inhibitions and explained that a lot of people drink because they find it hard to relax and have a good time without a drink, so it is important to know how to relax and have a good time naturally.

NicknameUsed have a read of the rest id my posts on this thread, not just the one you quoted. That will stop me repeating myself about how much bollocks you are talking 😕

alcoholism is also unquestionably hereditary

I don't understand this. My brother is an alcoholic but there is no-one else in our wider family who has any issue with addition of any kinds.

Ours is a small "naice" middle class family. I have just 2 aunties and 2 uncles, 4 cousins. I know second cousins, great aunties and uncles - we are a small and right unit even as an extended family. I know everyone. There is no hereditary link to alcoholism anywhere.

I therefore assume (with no scientific evidence, just my experience) that my brother had no generic predisposition to alcoholism. He has no children. I hope therefore no genetic predisposition will be passed on.

I think it's tricky. In the UK, it is very common for teenagers to start experimenting between 14 and 16 and perhaps even getting drunk, I knew I did sometimes. Many parents let their children have a taste of alcohol so they can experiment in a safe environment before uni etc, that's up to individual parents though. I think with a history of alcoholism it is natural you should be more wary; while me and my close family haven't had alcohol addiction, I know distant family members who have (my mums uncle was alcoholic, her brother - so my uncle - allowed my cousin to drink 6 cans of cider on a saturday night from age 15 onwards ) and I certainly wouldn't be encouraging my kids to drink every weekend, even when they're 18+.

I don't find it strange he drank 3 glasses of wine - but what I do find a bit of a red flag is that he drank 3 glasses when his friends drank very little. At that age, peer pressure is the main thing encouraging drinking and the fact that he drank that entirely of his own idea seems a bit odd to me. Perhaps a chat about alcohol is needed, how it's not cool etc. I also think having an alcoholic husband will be more of a problem as ds gets older - he sees someone drinking that much and still holding down a good job, having money, having a family etc. It could make him think that drinking that much all the time is acceptable and it's bad for him to be thinking that when he's just started experimenting. It's hard but your DH could be having a serious affect on DS's attitudes and if he won't seek help I think you need to put DS first and consider splitting up. I'm not one of the 'LTB' crowd and help needs to be sought - but seeing your husband drinking so much could well be affecting your DS. If he really can't go without, get him to go the pub every night instead of drinking in the house every night. Your DS shouldn't see someone drinking that much and not facing any consequences, sorry. It only normalises the behaviour.

I only know one friend with an alcoholic parent, but she is vehemently anti binge drinking. Her situation is different because her mother couldn't function well at all and she practically brought her siblings up, so she knows what negative things alcohol addiction does to a family and has done from a young age. Your son though OP, will see your DH as being fine despite his drinking so may be encouraged to go over the top himself.

16 is pretty late from my experience to be wanting first tastes of alcohol. I was allowed to drink from 14 provided it was in the house where I was supervised and only what my mother bought for me. I honestly think teaching kids to be responsible with their drinking at a younger age rather than outright banning it is likely to stop binge drinking sessions later in life. When DD is older I will let her drink before she is 18, as otherwise she will find ways to do it without me and I prefer her to be safe

It is concerning however that you are living with an alcoholic and a child. Being around an alcoholic at an impressionable age is much more likely to screw your childs attitude to alcohol than letting him have a few beers underage would.

I think it is hereditary, but just like dyslexia, cancer and all the other things that are hereditary it doesn't mean it will definitely happen! My dad is bi polar, I'm not, neither is my brother. It doesn't mean it's not hereditary