To beg for your funniest stories and a hand hold?

[Songbird90]

Boyfriend and I broke up this afternoon. Together 3 years. Love eachother so much but know it is for the best for now. I could really do with some laughs and a hand hold. Far far away from family and feeling very alone.

I haven't got a funny story handy, but wanted to offer and say I'm sorry and hope you are doing ok!

Rotten.

Funny here is DD who couldn't say 'tr' for ages and said 'f' instead. Every single car park for a year, "FUCK mummy FUCK".

Sorry to hear that op, what caused the break up if you were both happy?

I hired a hot tub for the garden this summer, and invited my mum and sister one day to come and used it and look after dd while I worked (I work from home) I left them to fill up the tub and switch it on, I sat at my computer and could see everything unfolding.

They filled it way to much, when my mum got in she slipped under and was splashing and flapping trying to stay afloat. My sister got in next, holding dd and also slipped. I could hear water gushing all over the garden and those two gurgling 'save the child, save the child!' They were both underwater and dd was being held above it as they struggled, she was laughing hysterically (she's 10 months old)

Oh dear, poor you. Have a look through Classics? They'll be funnier than anything I can say.

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

I don't have any funny stories but I like that joke. Sorry to hear about your break up

The only other slightly funny thing I can think of is that when DH left a job at a well known paint company he told them it had been "emulsional" .

Agree with looking through classics. Lemon drizzle and the one with the blind date at birdland made me laugh so much.

My friend's son used to miss out the "RR" in the blackcurrant Juice. Caused a very quiet girl much embarrassment when he shouted that out

Also songbird this is a really shitty time for you. It will get better though. I hope you're ok

Went for an internal scan the other day and the consultant tried to shove the probe up my arse not once but twice 😬Like wtf! Even when I said err wrong whole it's like she went back for more.

Picked my son up from preschool the other day and they told me they had lost my 3 year old for a while. Maniacal laughter coming from the play kitchen found him in the play washing machine.

My husband farted yesterday and the baby spent ages blowing raspberries and giggling.

My ds 15 does boxing
My ds 2 decided soft play today was the place to practice the moves!
Jab - jab- upper cut -
Back hand
Across the face of a 3 yo girl from ds 7yo school
So glad dh had taken him and not me!

Been having some pregnancy troubles recently, went in yesterday for a scan (having fairly regular ones), dh was looking at the monitor ''Oh look, by the top,she has a head like mine!'' Sonographers response (got in before I did) ''actually Mr Cocklodger that is the bum''
I was creased still am

Sat in the car waiting for DH at the shop with DD 2yo who farts really loudly.
Me "was that you DD?"
DD "no, it was Rupert" (the dog)
Me "no, Rupert's at home"
DD "no mummy, Rupert hiding!"

Angela Merkel enters a bar and orders a gin. The bartender says "dry?"
"No," Angela replies. "Just one!"