I honestly don't know if I am - DH related

[GandolfBold]

Weekends in our house tend to be busy.

On Sunday morning I normally take our DS2 to an event at 9am. DS2 has severe ASD and he looks forward to it every week. This week, I need to take DD somewhere for 9.30, so I asked DH if he could take DS to his thing. He said he would.

On Thursday he tells me that he has been invited out tonight, so will be staying in a town about 40 minutes from here, so he cant take DS any more, but can I take DS, then take DD to her thing, by which time he promises to be home. So DD will be late by about an hour, but I think the thing she is going to is flexible (have emailed to check).

I should also add that I had to change my plans with DD two weeks ago because he was so wasted after a night out he couldnt look after the boys. He has no off switch. Once he goes out he doesn't stop drinking.

We have been through a bit of a bad patch (he left for a few weeks) and so I think this is clouding my judgment, because I am trying to be reasonable and not lose my cool about stuff, but I am annoyed at what I feel is his selfish attitude, that he is more important than the family. I also worry that he either wont make it back on time, or will be so wasted he wont be capable of looking after DS2.

He is a good father and he works hard. I know he deserves a break but I can't work out why I am so annoyed about this. Actually I can, its because its always left down to me to sort stuff. I would never leave him with everything to do.

AIBU?

He's not a good father of he cancels his children's plans because he wants to do something else. It's actually deeply selfish, especially when one child has ASD.

thatstewie has it. It is unfair to expect you to do all the drudgery.

YANBU.
And he will surely be over the limit to drive the next day?
all your plans will be dependent on how "wasted' he gets.
Sounds like that break should be more permanent...

YANBU. Surely he realised when he had kids that there were some sacrifices involved... he is a father now - not single. Time to act it.

I agree with PP a man that puts his own desire to go out drinking ahead of his children is not a good father. Sorry.

Unless he's a teenager there is no excuse not to control his drinking. If he cannot go out and have a few, therefore being capable of caring for his children the following morning, then he doesn't go. It's all about making grown up decisions.

Also, nobody needs to get shit faced to have down time.

He just 'tells' you that plans have changed without any discussion?

He's not a good father, he's a selfish twat and I wouldn't worry about being reasonable and keeping your cool, I'd be giving him both barrels

While he's staying 40 minutes away he might as well pack a nice big suitcase and stay there

YANBU.

It's the same principle that I use with DS if he gets 2 party invitations for the same time. If you say "yes" to doing something, you don't renage on the first because you got a better offer.

Your DH made a commitment to take your DS somewhere, so he can't change his mind just because he got a better offer (in his eyes)

The conversation should have been:

Friend: We're going out on Saturday night, are you coming?
Your DH: Great thanks, but I'll have to leave early because I've got plans for Sunday morning.

OR

Your DH: Sorry, I can't. I've got plans for Sunday morning.

Definitely not a good father. What a shitbag!

Is there anyone else who could take your dd?

And I'd be telling him not to bother coming back after his night out as well.

He is a good father

this gets rolled out on almost every post where an op has given various examples of why he's actually a really shitty father.

Do you actually believe your own comment OP? Really? He's not a good father, he's a supremely selfish individual.

what kind of breaks do you get, OP?

How exactly is he a good father if he can't be bothered to put his social life on hold to help out your DS2? How does that work then? That's not a good father, to me, that's a selfish arsehole.

And, of course you wouldn't leave him with everything to do, because clearly he wouldn't get it done!!

YANBU - God that would annoy me so much!

It is selfish (putting his needs to drink above his childrens needs), so it's easy to see why it bugs you.

Somehow you think it is up to you to be "reasonable" and "not lose your cool". In some warped way, you (and him) believe it is not his selfish behaviour that is the problem, but your reaction to his behaviour is the problem.....

So no wonder your brain shortcircuits on this! Because.... No! It is not bloody fair.

I know totally what you mean, and have been there (DH has a bit of a drink problem), and actually me losing my "cool" really helped him to see that the problem for me was:

He puts his needs first, then fits family commitments in around that

Whereas

I put family needs first, then fit my own needs and wishes around that.

We had some long hard talks and things have changed a lot for the better.

Good luck

I'm not sure I can add anything other than your DC deserve to be higher up your husbands priority list than a pint of beer. As do you.

No, he's being deeply unreasonable and selfish.

Sounds like your dh has ASD himself. This is not the normal, kind thoughtful behaviour you would expect to earn the title of a good dad..

Sounds like your dh has ASD himself. This is not the normal, kind thoughtful behaviour you would expect to earn the title of a good dad.

How very fucking insulting to people with ASD.

He can still go out. Just limit himself to one pint and drive back home to sleep, or a few pints and get a cab.

Job done - plus he still gets to be a proper parent tomorrow.

Not a good father.

He needs to grow up.

So you're going through a bad patch and he decides he will change plans at very short notice, putting both you and your DD out.

Why are you trying to keep the peace but he clearly doesn't give a damn?

He reneged on an arrangement made with you for the benefit of your children. This is not the behaviour of a good father! This is the behaviour of a selfish arsehole. If a friend did this to you you'd be looking at them askance. Look askance at him now and ask yourself whether you and your children deserve to be so low on his list of priorities.

Everyone deserves to have some time to themselves but he's the father of a child with ASD, so he accepts an invitation without even consulting you first? What a wanker

Agree with pp who said your dh's response to his invite should have been I can come, but I'll need to leave early and not drink.

He is selfish, and is putting a drunken night out before you and his child.

None of this is about deserving a break. I get really fed up with reading about "me time", "down time", whatever. You have kids and so you bloody well look after them, even if you're a "hard working otherwise lovely father." Why should you worry about being unreasonable with somebody who isn't being reasonable?

Tell him not to drink or get a cab or a lift or whatever it takes, for him to be home tonight to honour the commitment he already made to you and your ds. If he won't, then don't bother coming home.

We all work hard, we all need a break

He can do that whilst also honouring his commitments. As you do. As most adults do

Did he choose to leave you and the family, or did you boot him out for being a selfish tosser?