I honestly don't know if I am - DH related

[GandolfBold]

Weekends in our house tend to be busy.

On Sunday morning I normally take our DS2 to an event at 9am. DS2 has severe ASD and he looks forward to it every week. This week, I need to take DD somewhere for 9.30, so I asked DH if he could take DS to his thing. He said he would.

On Thursday he tells me that he has been invited out tonight, so will be staying in a town about 40 minutes from here, so he cant take DS any more, but can I take DS, then take DD to her thing, by which time he promises to be home. So DD will be late by about an hour, but I think the thing she is going to is flexible (have emailed to check).

I should also add that I had to change my plans with DD two weeks ago because he was so wasted after a night out he couldnt look after the boys. He has no off switch. Once he goes out he doesn't stop drinking.

We have been through a bit of a bad patch (he left for a few weeks) and so I think this is clouding my judgment, because I am trying to be reasonable and not lose my cool about stuff, but I am annoyed at what I feel is his selfish attitude, that he is more important than the family. I also worry that he either wont make it back on time, or will be so wasted he wont be capable of looking after DS2.

He is a good father and he works hard. I know he deserves a break but I can't work out why I am so annoyed about this. Actually I can, its because its always left down to me to sort stuff. I would never leave him with everything to do.

AIBU?

Sounds like you are working hard to support your DS' needs while understanding that the other child has needs too. Which can be really tough when one child has SEN. Your DH is happy to let DD down and let her give up some of her recreation. So he can go out drinking.

Charmer.

OP this is not normal behaviour from a father. I wonder how he has convinced you that it is?

He is utterly selfish. Having "no off switch" is an EXCUSE. He is leaving you to do everything. That's a crap dad, and a crap husband. You can do better than him.

Sounds like your dh has ASD himself. This is not the normal, kind thoughtful behaviour you would expect to earn the title of a good dad

WTF? Really?

You know he's not going to be back, don't you. He doesn't care about you or the children. Start making alternative plans of your own to protect yours and your childrens' interests.

He isn't a good father or a good husband. He's a shitty selfish husband and a crap father.

sounds like your dh has ASD himself. This is not the normal, kind thoughtful behaviour you would expect to earn the title of a good dad..

fuck off woodoo. you obviously know nothing about ASD at all

Thanks everyone.

He left, said he had had enough of being married to me, that I brought him down and said lots of horrid things about me and my character. I was devastated and I have tried to change to be more like the person he wanted me to be. I know that sounds so sad but I wanted our marriage to work I am a better person because of it. I can drive now, have a good job whereas before I was a SAHM. I feel like I have fixed myself for the better.

I do get to go out - I went out two evenings this week. DH has pointed this out to me, however as I have tried to explain to him I would not have done this had it interfered in any way with anything else, and I would no cancel something prearranged with him or the children for it.

I can't make him see. He wont listen and if I try to explain he accuses me of being grumpy or unreasonable. He was contrite and apologetic the last time as it really screwed things up for me - I had to take DS somewhere he wasn't prepared for, he was very stressed and upset and DD didnt get the day she wanted or we had planned.

I just feel like I am the one that worries about everything. He thinks the fact he takes the kids to school every morning means that I should do more.

You're better off without him. If you're on your own you can organise your life better and not worry about your OH letting you down.

You shouldn't have to change to please him.

People evolve as they grow older and have more responsibilities. Doesn't sound like your dh has managed that at all.

You will all be fine without this waste of oxygen.

Nope, not good. If indeed you kicked him out and have just taken him back, you'd think he'd be on his 'best behaviour' to be earning back your trust and his place in the family. Instead he's blithely going his own way (i.e. living the single life whilst married) as if nothing needs to change. Is this really he way you want to live your life? Not being able to depend on your partner and, chances are, never being able to make any plans for yourself for 'me time'?

A friend who became a single parent told me that it was much easier to be everything and do everything herself after she kicked her ex out. Making plans just to have to rearrange/cancel because of him. Expecting help and not getting it. His expectations of what she should be doing around the house. Their child's disappointment and her making excuses for him whilst he swanned off. She said the mental/emotional wear and tear of resentment and anger of having him in the house doing nothing and expecting everything was at least 80% of the stress she was suffering.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

So you changed yourself to be the person he thinks you should be? Obviously that makes you a better person because clearly he needs to fix your crappy personality

Your post has made me really sad and a little angry TBH!

Why are you with him? He is a shit father (can't be bothered to take your son to an activity he loves because he will be too hungover) he is a bully (saying you need to change yourself to be what he wants you to be) he is on a power trip (leaving you until you change your personality for him)

He sounds like a grade A twat and I really pity the fact he has ground you down so much you think you have to change.

X-post. Good riddance! I hope you told him to 'not let the door hit him where the Good Lord split him'!

"I have tried to change to be more like the person he wanted me to be"

The person he wanted you to be was someone who would do exactly what he said, ask no questions of him, and expect nothing of him.

"I just feel like I am the one that worries about everything"

You are. But now you have one less thing to worry about...him!

You'll be OK. Give yourself a bit of time and space to adjust. I guarantee that in a very short while you'll understand that there's nothing he provided you with that you can't get with a good vibrator and a couple of D cells!

Hope you kick him out for good-what a shit bag.

Is there a friend/neighbour who could help?

Has to get pissed & stay out?

Can't compromise & have a couple & come back at a reasonable time.

I couldn't be with someone like that.

If my marriage was in recovery from a bad patch where my DH had actually moved out for a few weeks, there is no way on earth I would be happy for him to be invited out to stuff that didn't involve me and did involve him wanting to stay out the whole night.

I'm not liking the sound of that at all. And i think it's really off that he thinks it's okay to even do it, even if it is totally innocent which I doubt so soon after your problems. Dodgy. As. Hell.

oh dear, I can see I need to read the whole thread!

Perhaps I'm not the best person to comment as I was married to an alcoholic, however ... my exh went from getting somewhat drink every Friday (inviolable that he'd go out Friday nights while I stayed in w kids), to getting shit-faced every Friday and sometimes on Saturday and being hungover most of the damn weekend and everyone had to tiptoe around & I was expected to be full of sympathy & nursing for his self-inflicted problem whilst also dealing w kids on my own, to eventually he was literally running to the pub the minute the kids' heads touched their pillows 5 nights a week & leaving the house earlier on Friday & Saturday.

So I'd keep an eye on that if I were you. If the drinking picks up, personally I'd leave him as I wish I'd left useless ex years earlier as its exhausting being married to an idiot drinker.

Oh hell. Please stop trying to be the person this selfish man child wants you to be, OP. You are a grown up with children, one with special needs, that you are responsible for. You see this. You know this. If he won't see or acknowledge this, he is the problem in your family, not you.

I don't care if he has dropped the children off at school every day for 10 years. That doesn't give him the right to treat you and the children the way he is ... blowing off responsibilities and commitments that he made so he can get drunk and dump everything on you.

It sounds like you'd be better off without him, frankly. Why stay with someone who clearly puts you and his childrenat the bottom of his priority list?

He left? As in, he's left for good (again) or he's used this argument as an excuse to flounce out and do what he has intended to do all along, i.e. stay out all night and get hammered, while you take all the responsibility for managing the DCs.

What a bastard.

Sorry Gandalf, I missed that he'd stomped off in a huff. I know it's hard, and you don't want to fail the kids by separating, but honestly, when one partner is a complete tosser, it's better for the kids in the long run. Partly cause you're less stressed, but also because they're less exposed to a grand example of selfishness.

Do you mean he's left today? Or that's what happened when he left before a number of weeks ago?

He's holding your fear of him leaving over you. Tell him he's let the kids down, you do not accept an invite if it affects something you have promised to take your kids to.

Rubblebubble, it's entirely possible that he does not give a toss. When I was married people were forever telling me "just explain to him how his behaviour is not okay". Well, that only works when people care. When they are selfish or cruel wankers, you can explain till you're blue in the face. Besides which, I'm not sure it's OP's job to 'splain things. I could be wrong, but I have my doubts it's something he merely needs to be brought up to speed on.

LTB

The cynical part of me thinks that he will 'see reason' after he has had the weekend he planned all along.
When he moved out before who's idea was it for him to come back?
I would be worried that this will become his go to strop if you aren't allowing him to do exactly what he wants.