To be slightly offended by OH "loving DD more"?

[Christinedonna]

DD is 5 weeks old today and upon me asking earlier, OH revealed he loves her more than me. Before anyone gets shitty with me, of course I'm happy he loves her and no I'm not jealous. But would you be slightly offended if your OH openly and happily admitted (and seemed baffled at my shock) that he loves our baby more than me. "I love you both the same" or "what a silly question!" Would have been fine answers, as it wasn't even a serious question until I got such a bluntly honest answer

[MitzyLeFrouf]

I think it's weird when people vocalise the love pecking order.

[LuchiMangsho]

And now if he said it no matter how bluntly (DS is 4.5, we are expecting our second), I wouldn't bat an eyelid. I would EXPECT an unvarnished answer. It's just that at 5 weeks that same unvarnished answer feels a bit different because many many women are still grappling with their feelings for their baby. And because everyone expects this instant shower of love. And mothers feel guilty if it isn't there.

Interestingly, DH feels much more ambivalent about no 2 because to him it is a foetus and to me it is a baby. Again, I know, that as soon as he/she is born, he will be instantly in love, and I will probably take my time to adapt.

That's just how it is. I don't judge him for not bonding with a baby in my womb and he has never judged me for my early motherhood struggles (we were very honest with each other).

[girlinacoma]

I know that are only 5 weeks post delivery with your hormones all over the place but please don't underestimate the impact of your daughters arrival on your other half too.

He is also having to go through a huge period of adjustment and is probably still trying to come to terms with the change and the strength of his feelings.

I would have hoped and expected my husband to have replied in the same way as your DH and wouldn't dream of asking him to explain or justify his response.

Unless that is you don't value your partners significance in your daughters life as much as you do your own?

It was a bit unfair of you to put him on the spot like that and even more unfair to pick apart his response.

The love we feel for our children is instinctive is it not?

[Crispsheets]

What a strange thing to ask.

[Christinedonna]

And again, I would fully expect him to save her before me if it ever came down to it (touch wood it never does!) I am in no way saying I should come first and I think anyone with any sense would know that. It's really not nice that some people are making out like I'm saying otherwise.

[RebelRogue]

So... You didn't want him to lie,but saying something else would've been better. You understand his feelings as you love your baby more as well,but he should've hesitated and think it through. Sorry but it's ridiculous and YABU.
I love dd more than dh and so does he. I actually find comfort in that

[MitzyLeFrouf]

'I was just taken back by his instant "I obviously love her more" answer. Maybe hormonal still slightly'

Totally understandable. He sounds a bit blunt.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Wow holy back-pedalling Batman.

[Dontyoulovecalpol]

No OP I wouldn't expect him to tell me outright he loved them more i agree with you- no need to vocalise it! Hope you're ok

[Strangeday]

I also love my kids more than my dh.

But remember op, it's a different kind of love.

I'm very happy when my kids go to bed and I can relax in peace with my dh. My children will grow up and leave home one day.

It's just the love your have for your children is selfless and unconditional.

Think about it like this, if you split up you'd like your dhs love for the children to come above anyone else, that's the way it should be.

[Batteriesallgone]

This thread just proves how different relationships are.

We have discussed it more than once that we love the kids more than each other and it was a joke between us when DS was a baby (not anymore since he started understanding us).

Some people on the other hand think to ever vocalise such a thing is weird, some think it should be couched in soft language....

You have a 5 week old. His response to this situation should be I'm so sorry I upset you, you are a hero, I love you so so so so much let me cook / run you a bath / massage etc etc.

I don't think I stopped being always right til about 5m post partum

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Why on earth do you need your DP to lie to you about this?!

And why ask such an odd question in the first place?

[Christinedonna]

Thank you dontyoulovecalpol

[LuchiMangsho]

I ask again, very gently, how YOU are doing/feeling. Lots of people have suggested that maternal love is 'instinctive'. I would say (and there are many many many threads on MN about this) that it perhaps isn't. It is is something that comes. A protective instinct is what I felt, but I wasn't sure that was love. And it is so taboo to mention that. Men, because their bodies are intact and remain intact, can feel that rush of love in a way that many women who bodies are battered, and who are sleep deprived in a horrendous way, really struggle to. It's absolutely fine to be like that.

Actually, had DH said to me 5 weeks post partum, 'I THINK I love him, I feel a strong protective instinct, but he's a stranger, and I feel he's been handed to us and we are taking care of him, but I'm still confused', that may have been an honest exposition of how many people feel, but are afraid to articulate because they fear being judged.

[Amber76]

Can't remember how it goes but there's an old saying about how in the event of fire a man will save his wife first, a woman will save her kids first and the kids would save the goldfish first..

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Listen to Luchi.

[MiniCooperLover]

Never ask a question if you can't face the answer being different to how you want it !!!!

[NoTractorsAtTheTable]

Luchi - I totally got that, I did feel both of mine were strangers in my house to begin with.

[Merd]

I thought going's point was that "it is sad when parents get jealous", not that you necessarily are?

Some mums are jealous of their kids, and it's not their fault as such. They don't deserve vitriol either, just sympathy (and perhaps counselling).

Mine was deeply jealous, and said so - she had a very traumatic childhood, and I think she had a tough time watching the first person who'd ever loved her love someone else too, and more at that. I can't imagine what that did to her along with being a mum for the first time. It must have been horrible.

Anyway - the point is, whether you were "being unreasonable" or not, this upset you. It's probably a good idea to talk to your DH about it (not to get him to change his tune, but just to talk it out and feel better about things if you can?).

[Strangeday]

Totally agree luchi my love for my first was a slow burner. My initial feeling was just to look after them, the intense love came later on.

[Christinedonna]

luchi. I'm fine, madly in love with DD, she sleeps from 8pm-7am so I'm getting plenty at night and she is perfect in every way possible. Not that I dare voice anything other than that on here with this audience

[WankingMonkey]

I don't think as parents you ever love anyone more than your own children.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Merd - you are correct in your assumption of what I meant.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Don't ask questions that elicit lies. It's a good rule. Especially with kids but also adults.

[Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse]

He didn't 'vocalise' it, he didn't 'tell you', you ASKED. It also sounds like a pretty normal response to me. If he'd have said 'No I love YOU more', you'd have been on here asking if you were BU to think that was weird. Next time you ask him a question maybe you should make it clear you'd like him to not be truthful but to say what you want to hear.