Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be slightly offended by OH "loving DD more"?

166 replies

Christinedonna · 23/09/2016 18:26

DD is 5 weeks old today and upon me asking earlier, OH revealed he loves her more than me. Before anyone gets shitty with me, of course I'm happy he loves her and no I'm not jealous. But would you be slightly offended if your OH openly and happily admitted (and seemed baffled at my shock) that he loves our baby more than me. "I love you both the same" or "what a silly question!" Would have been fine answers, as it wasn't even a serious question until I got such a bluntly honest answer

OP posts:
5moreminutes · 23/09/2016 18:59

It's a different type of love yes.

If your husband left you would you still love him? What about your DD?

If your husband said he hated you, would you still love him? What about your DD?

If they were both in deadly danger, who would you save first?

The love for your offspring is unconditional but you know, or hope, that they will leave you after 18/21/25 Shock years, and that you will not always be as important to them as you are now, you'll come second, third, fourth, fifth on their list if they fall in love and have kids of their own.

Through all that and beyond your DH will - you hope - be with you. But you'd kick him out and reduce him to someone you are only civil to for the kids if he cheated on you or emptied your bank account or became a drug addict.. Hopefully. If your kid did that you'd still live them (hopefully) even if you had to distance yourself for self preservation.

It's a different love. Live for a spouse is conditional on them having some respect for you, but you can't stop loving your child no matter what.

eightbluebirds · 23/09/2016 19:04

You're feeling hormonal. His answer is normal and the most common but yanbu to upset at his bluntness.
I love both oh and lo to bits. OH was my rock way before LO came along and i know with him by my side I can get through anything. But my life revolves around LO. He needs me. He's a part of me.

Whatsername17 · 23/09/2016 19:04

I understand, op. It's the way he answered rather than his answer. At a time when you are very vulnerable. I think you need to remember that your hormones will still be out of whack (up to 12 months pp) and that is probably why it feels hurtful. I'm sure your dh didn't mean to upset you. He probably didn't even think. At the point you are at now, my dh was out at work all day so came home and marvelled at his child. Id been the one stuck at home with a colicky baby, who I loved so much, but who also made me want to throw myself down the stairs so I could go into hospital and sleep. One time, dh came home to me moaning about how hard the day had been (because she'd screamed for most of it and I was exhaused) and actually said 'it would be lovely if, just once, you had something positive to say about all this time off you are getting when I'm stuck at work'. He's still got his balls, just. I needed him to keep them because I knew I'd want another baby some day Grin

MatildaTheCat · 23/09/2016 19:05

The love for a tiny newborn is particularly intense and for good reason, it ensures the baby is cared for 24/7. As time passes and the hormones and emotions settle the love is more stable and equally spread around and yes, men do experience this as much as women.

Silly question but not such a strange answer. Some posters have been mean, nobody wants to be told they are loved less than someone else but he's worded it badly. You made her so you are very well loved indeed.

Be glad to have an emotionally mature man.

WankersHacksandThieves · 23/09/2016 19:05

This can be answered very simply, when was the last time you sat for an hour simply watching your OH sleep whilst feeling nothing but an outpouring of unconditional love?

..well there you go...

Christinedonna · 23/09/2016 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

eightbluebirds · 23/09/2016 19:05

And as PP said, she is a huge part of you. You created her together, she grew in you, you birthed the person your OH loves most in the world. That's amazing too.

5moreminutes · 23/09/2016 19:07

Oh god not my mother before DH though - and if I thought my DH lived his mother more than me I'd question my choice of life partner!

I hope when my kids settle down they live their DH/DW/DP (once the DP is a life partner) more than me and their kids, if they have them, more than their partner.

I never want my kids to put me before themselves, which is what living me more than their partner, if they had one, would mean. Never.

LittleBeautyBelle · 23/09/2016 19:07

I agree with the others. I love my dc more than anyone else, period. It is a parent's love that surpasses all even a romantic love of a life partner.

hidingwithwine said it well. Part of it is you know your job is to protect your dc, that adds to the love and makes it fiercer and more intense.

LittleBeautyBelle · 23/09/2016 19:08

Yes, it's the way he answered that has you upset and that I can see.

aprilanne · 23/09/2016 19:11

christine GOINGTO BE was a bit blunt but in the nicest possible way you do sound jealous of the fact your hubby loves your baby more .

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2016 19:13

Well you won't ask again. Which is good.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 23/09/2016 19:14

I love DS more than DP and he loves DS more than me. We've openly told each other that Grin in a way of 'I love you more than anything, except DS'
I wouldn't expect it to be any other way

Goingtobeawesome · 23/09/2016 19:14

Wow.

Lovely.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 23/09/2016 19:15

I, as others have said would be mortified if he said he loved me more than her..in NO way was that what I wanted to hear. I'm an adult, I know that (as I've said, I love her more) parents love their children more than anyone else in the world. I completely agree! All I'm saying is, the way he said it and how he didn't even spend a second thinking the best way to word it, was what surprised me.

OP posts:
DeliciouslyHella · 23/09/2016 19:16

I'd be offended if he DIDN'T love DD more.

DH rules, but I'd use him as a human shield for DD without a second's hesitation. Thankfully, DH feels precisely the same about me.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 23/09/2016 19:16

I know my husband loves our children more (I love them more too!) he doesn't really tell me outright- just smiles and says "it's different"

LuchiMangsho · 23/09/2016 19:17

Let me put it differently and ask you a VERY gentle question.

How have the first five weeks been? Mine were brutal and if someone asked me, 'do you love DS?' I may have said 'yes' but I'm not sure that would have been truthful. I felt like I didn't know DS, I felt like I was drowning/struggling and I had lost a part of myself. DS didn't have any personality. At that moment, if I was brutally honest, I would have said that I 'loved' DH/my parents more because I had known them for so long.

But I also noticed that DH's bond with DS was much more instantaneous. He was captivated and enchanted and he was immediately in love. Whereas to me he was this precious thing that I would do ANYTHING for but who need constant feeding and was permanently attached to me, and did nothing. My feelings were all over the place.

My love for DS came- I can't tell you when it came. But I do love him more than anything (and so does DH) and I would say so bluntly now to anyone. But at 5 weeks, I may have said it because that's what people wanted to hear, but I was deeply ambivalent about motherhood and somewhat shell shocked. I can imagine DH being much more confident about his feelings towards DS at that same stage (partly because he wasn't in the same shock). And I can imagine an answer like that making me feel even worse.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 23/09/2016 19:18

dontyou so would it hurt your feelings slightly if he outright said "obviously I love them more than you"? Even though we all know it's the case, sometimes it doesn't hurt to be aware of people's feelings

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 23/09/2016 19:19

Nice, still can't understand how that came up even jokingly in conversation Confused.

Anyway, next time you ask him a question, make sure you've pre-warned him what you expect his answer to be.

And YABU, btw.

Lonelynessie · 23/09/2016 19:19

I understand what you mean. The love I have for my children is one of the greatest and most intense types of love, but it is a different type of love I have for my oh, which is equally intense and passionate, just in a different way.

I know for a fact that my oh feels the same, we've discussed it (randomly) and I also know that he, like myself would hands down, always choose the children over either of us.

I can see that you would be hurt, but I don't think he means he loves you any less, he's just experiencing the amazing 'new' love you get when you have a baby.

LuchiMangsho · 23/09/2016 19:19

And while I wouldn't have expected DH to in any way camouflage his feelings for DS, in that newborn 'wtf have we done' stage, I can imagine the bluntness of his answer would have cut deeper than I wanted.

hownottofuckup · 23/09/2016 19:20

My ex was put out by this too, I just thought it was obvious and was a bit concerned by the idea he had an issue with it and perhaps didn't feel the same. I did say if it came to a life or death situation fuck off trying to save me too just save her!
Anyway, we split up so I don't think he did really love me all that much after all and definitely not as much as the DC!

scrambledegz · 23/09/2016 19:20

Why would you ask who he loved more? She's not replacing you! I hope my dh loves my children more than me...in a life or death situation I also hope that he would rescue them before me I will never love anyone more than my children

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 23/09/2016 19:20

In 15 years of parenthood, it has never crossed my mind to ask DH that question. I'm mystified as to why you would.

YABU.

Swipe left for the next trending thread