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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be annoyed that DH speaks to MIL every day!

62 replies

Mummykt · 05/02/2007 11:35

I need to know whether I am going mad and being very petty. DH is an only child and is very close to his parents. They moved away (altho only a 2 hr drive!) a couple of yrs ago and our dd was born last June. Altho I get on ok with his parents I find myself increasingly annoyed that he phones them every day and if at home he always puts it on speaker phone so they can speak to dd (altho they visit for a day every 2 weeks). Why do I find myself so annoyed at this? I have had a rough few months, including losing my own mother 4 months ago, but this was a problem before then. Before my mum died his parents started to get into the habit of phoning me every day to ask about dd and I have to confess I stopped answering their calls - it just felt so intense and suffocating! Am I being unreasonable? DH thinks I am sick in the head to be 'jealous' of his relationship with his parents.

OP posts:

TravellingontheClaphamOmnibus · 05/02/2007 11:39

Yes, I think you are unreasonable. Why is it a problem?

dassie · 05/02/2007 11:40

I speak to my Mum every day and would be upset if my husband said I shouldn't.

I think you are being unreasonable about him speaking to them. However, you don't have to if you don't want to so are perfectly entitled not to answer when they call.

WigWamBam · 05/02/2007 11:40

I'm really sorry but much as it galls me to come down on the side of a MIL, I think you're being petty and a bit unreasonable. They are close, why shouldn't he call them every day? It's only a phone call; it's not as if he's asking you to see them every day.

Thank your lucky stars that your in-laws care enough about your dd that they want to speak to her ... mine wouldn't talk to my dd on the phone if I paid her, and can barely be bothered to talk to her even when we go to see her.

It sounds to me as if there's a deeper problem here than a phone call ... I suspect you resent them for other reasons, and the phone calls are just the tip of the iceberg.

justaphase · 05/02/2007 11:42

yes I think you are, sorry.

It is great that he has a good relationship with his family. In this day and age people have become so isolated and I think this is terrible. Your dd will grow up happier and more confident if she is surrounded by many adults who love her.

I can see where you are comming from though. In practice I don't always answer calls from my in-laws and even from my own parents even though I have a great relationship with both sets. It is just that sometimes I am tired and want to do my own thing.

HEIFER · 05/02/2007 11:44

Well, I spoke to my mum every day when she was alive...

I think you should be pleased that your DH is a kind and loving man that actually wants to talk to his mum every day....

Although - have to say that I wouldn't have wanted to talk to my MIL every day (when she was alive), so can understand why you would stop answering their calls.

I think fair enough (and nice) that DH talks to his mum every day but quite a different thing to expect you to...

A lot of people on MN don't have grandparents that actually give a damn about them or their children, so again I would appreciate them if I were you, my DD doesn't have any grandparents alive so she is definately missing out.

I am sure you will be glad of their help in a few year time...

Hope this doesn't sound to harsh...

foxinsocks · 05/02/2007 11:44

I would find that annoying but then I've never had close family relationships so don't really 'get' other people's.

I think if you're not used to this sort of relationship, it probably does feel intense and suffocating.

Do you feel your relationship with dh is suffering because of his closeness to his mum?

mummytosteven · 05/02/2007 11:44

Sorry to hear that your mum has recently died. On its own, a phone call a day doesn't sound extreme. I wonder whether there are deeper issues; that you feel DH isn't being supportive of you in general, but is giving his parents a lot of attention and support.

winnie · 05/02/2007 11:45

When my parents were alive I spoke to them both at least once a day and often saw them once a day. (My Mum would often pop in on her way to work at 7.30 am for a cup of coffee). We had lots of time together as a family. I miss it dreadfully and would have been really p*ssed off if dh had a problem with it. As it happened dh didn't have a problem with it but he never understood it as he is not very close to his parents.

So, in answer to your question, I do think you are being unreasonable if your dh enjoys his contact and doesn't do it in an obligatory manner.

purplemonkeydishwasher · 05/02/2007 11:50

mummykt - I don't think you are being unreasonable!
My dh does this too and it drives me batty! sometimes i want to remind him that WE are his family now. His dad died a few years ago so I know he feels responsible for his mom. which is why i don't say anything. but it totally gets on my nerves.
AND every bloody weekend we see her 3 times. I'd like a day to ourselves!

right, you've opned up a can of worms now!

dassie · 05/02/2007 11:57

Just because your dh is married with children it doesn't stop his Mum being part of the family.

How awful to think I'm only part of my sons family until he gets married/has a child.

jhyesmum · 05/02/2007 11:58

I speak to my mum most days. However, i must admit, i try to encourage my DH to ring his mum more often. (She lives 2hours away from us.

At the end of the day, we don't know what your DH parents are like. If they drive you mad and interfere I can see why it annoys you.

Have you spoken to your DH about it?

edam · 05/02/2007 12:03

Just think, if you ever have a ds, how pissed off you'd be if his future wife stopped him phoning you...

Soapbox · 05/02/2007 12:04

His good relationship with his parents will become the role model for your children with theirs.

You will benefit from this when your children are grown and keep in regular contact.

His relationship with his parents is part of what makes him who he is, and presumably you like and love the person that he is.

I'd welcome it not fight it

And as for the 'we are his family now' comment! Well no you are not - his parents are part of his family. Are you happy that in 20odd years time that your children will no longer see you as part of thier family? Because this is the behaviour they will learn from you!

PinkTulips · 05/02/2007 12:07

my parents ring me most night and it has never bothered dp... why would it?

think you are being a bit ott to be honest but that said i can kinda see where you're coming from if it's starting to make you feel a bit clausterphobic and smothered.... you're still being unreasonable though!

quanglewangle · 05/02/2007 12:15

You are probably being unreasonable but then, I would be unreasonable too.

For this reason - it implies a degree of dependency that doesn't seem entirely normal in a grown married man. You can maintain a good relationship with parents without that suffocating attention. If my ds were to phone me everyday, married or not (he isn't), I would be worried. He should break the umbilical cord and get a life.

yellowrose · 05/02/2007 12:17

mummy - i don't know whether it is unreasonable or not (don't know enough to say) but as someone who used to be close to her mother and called her almost every day and had a step father who got very very jealous i was at the receiving end of this jealousy (which was totally unreasonable) and it wasn't pleasant. my mother suffers from a serious illness, so that is an added reason why all of us are very concerned about her. i am the youngest of 3.

of course your sitaution is different but if your dh is an only child it is totally understandable that he is very close to his parents, plus as he has no other siblings it is understandable that his parents are besotted with their grandchild.

my ds is an only child and i have a feeling we will one day be the same, calling each other every day, as he has no siblings and we have no other children. i think it is instinctive behaviour. if one day he has children, he/she/they will be our world !

keeplaughing · 05/02/2007 12:28

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable, i wouldn't like it either, agree that he needs to loosen the apron strings, what on earth does he have to talk to them about every day? Every detail of your lives? he's married to you not them. Incidentally sounds like they need to get a life of their own too. You're certainly not sick in the head. Is he sensitive to the fact your mum died - but he can and does speak to his every day? I think he needs to focus his attention on you more - has he thought how you might feel. How do you feel about your mum dying? are you talking to someone about it (him?)

hunkermunker · 05/02/2007 12:30

Perhaps you losing your mother has strengthened how he feels for his own parents?

Original poster

Mummykt · 05/02/2007 13:15

Thanks for thoughts and comments. It is good to hear the range of views. I think I find it difficult because although I am/was close to my parents we never spoke so often, or felt the need to. I think there are lots of reasons why I find it a problem - altho I get on with his parents I don't find them very supportive - such as on still breastfeeding - they think i do it to exclude everyone else! I also think dh often rings them when I think he should be enjoying time with me - such as this morning he phoned them when we were enjoying a cuddle with our dd in bed. I do appreciate it is good for dd to have doting grandparents and try to be more relaxed about it but it is hard... Clearly losing my own mum has made it more complex.

OP posts:

batters · 05/02/2007 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllieHsMum · 05/02/2007 14:11

I speak to my Mum everyday on the telephone she likes to hear about our dd. I have to remind my dh to ring his mum. My brother is very close to our mum & i am sure he either texts, speaks or visits my mum most days. he lives with his girlfriend she doesn't appear to have an issue with this.

ScottishMummy · 05/02/2007 14:24

Sorry about your mum passing away - such a sad sad thing for you

be glad your DH phones his dear mum so frequently she is not competition but she did carry him for 9 months, they have a bond. a bond that is fractured or missing for so many other people so i think its sweet

and i guess in 20years when your dd is phoning u daily maybe you will feel chuffed and wanted too

redclyffe · 05/02/2007 14:26

Mummykt: I don't think you are going mad - or rather, if you are going mad, I certainly see why. I have a v similar story - a dp who thinks me insane for not wanting to spend hours with his parents/sister every weekend, who thinks it normal to ring and chat about every decision we have yet to make, or just ring to chat prior up meeting later on, at which point we just sit around and chat and drink tea. That and the endless calls I get during the week (do you have caller id? has changed my life) ...
Anyhow - the other similarity is that I lost my mum 3 yrs ago, the day my dd was born, and my father 2m ago, just after ds arrived. Perhaps I could have coped with the situation better without that, but with it, it is just claustropobic and unpleasant. And somehow, I have to accept the fact that my dp will never see that (I have yet to do that, and keep waiting for him to see the light, sigh)

All I can suggest is that you hang on in there - maybe in a few years when you're done with some of your mourning, you'll be able to enjoy more of the wider family. But no - you are not mad
sorry for rant - a heartfelt subject

yellowrose · 05/02/2007 14:52

mummy - have you tried having a chat with your dh about this as it is quite clearly upsetiing for you esp. with the loss of your own mum ?

i also sympathise with you with having in-laws who don't approve of your bf. i would find that incredibly annoying too. luckily my in-laws were very supportive until ds turned 2, but less so now as ds gets older, but thankfully they live abroad so i don't have to see them more than once a year.

i hope your dh will try to understand that he needs to speak to his parents at appropriate times, not when you are all having a cuddle. that seems like a silly time to speak to his parents.

quanglewangle · 05/02/2007 14:53

Teenager start work on distancing themselves from parental influence. My boys and I are very close but that doesn't stop them from are doing that and imho it is right and proper. Also, strangely enough, sometimes it is out of consideration to 'protect' me - they know I could worry for England! Nothing sinister here btw, just coursework deadlines and the like that i don't 'need to know'!
So has this never happened with your dh or has he returned to the fold after he has grown up?

Your last post suggests that it is the time and place of his calls that aggravates the situation. mil in your bed is a bit intrusive. There are times when it is obvious she should be left our of things.

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