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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be annoyed that DH speaks to MIL every day!

62 replies

Mummykt · 05/02/2007 11:35

I need to know whether I am going mad and being very petty. DH is an only child and is very close to his parents. They moved away (altho only a 2 hr drive!) a couple of yrs ago and our dd was born last June. Altho I get on ok with his parents I find myself increasingly annoyed that he phones them every day and if at home he always puts it on speaker phone so they can speak to dd (altho they visit for a day every 2 weeks). Why do I find myself so annoyed at this? I have had a rough few months, including losing my own mother 4 months ago, but this was a problem before then. Before my mum died his parents started to get into the habit of phoning me every day to ask about dd and I have to confess I stopped answering their calls - it just felt so intense and suffocating! Am I being unreasonable? DH thinks I am sick in the head to be 'jealous' of his relationship with his parents.

OP posts:
yellowrose · 05/02/2007 14:58

red - i LOVE my caller id - can even see when in laws are calling from abroad and have somtimes chosen not to pick up the phone. mil gets irritated that i never call her, she has to call me.

dh is free to speak to his parents as often as he wants to (it is usually once a week and they email and also watch our ds on the internet cam), but i try to avoid them as much as i can

Pinotmum · 05/02/2007 15:07

You know what, I'd be a bit suffocated as well as I don't really like my mil (long story). However I have to tell dh to ring her and I also make sure the children speak to her when she does call us or he calls her. I am guilty of not answering the phone in case it's her She talks about herself non-stop and asks wbout the weather before asking how the children are. Yes I am petty but that's how I feel. I'd hate ds not to call me when he's a grown man so I try to consider her feelings hence telling dh "ring your mum fgs!!". I however don't have to speak to her but do now and again and we even sometimes laugh

Shosha · 05/02/2007 15:16

Message withdrawn

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 05/02/2007 15:20

you are being unreasonable.

How would you have felt if he had issue with the relationship you had with your mother?

As for the "we are his family now" comment that is totally out of order IMO. She is his family too - or are we just parents until they find a partner and do we then have no right to have any contact with them?

There are a huge amount of posts on these boards about nasty MILs, but IMO some DILs are just as bad.

GreatGooglyMoogly · 05/02/2007 15:20

I too would feel annoyed by this - every day is too intrusive. My SIL is like this with MIL and it drives her DH mad, but luckily my DH is like me and we have escaped. Much sympathy.

Greensleeves · 05/02/2007 15:25

Having read your post about him ringing them while you were having a cuddle in bed with your dd - I think you are probably not being unreasonable. Calling them every day isn't in itself necessarily a problem - but if he is feeling compelled to involve them in everything, even things which should just be about you, him and dd - that is suffocating IMO. We had a relationship with my mother until recently which was pretty stifling at times - phone calls every day, not celebrating any birthdays/achievements without her being automatically included, decisions about the children, holidays/bank holidays/Christmas/Easter - it was just assumed that we would all get together. So if we wanted to do anything without her, we had to make it clear, it was the exception rather than the rule. That's not healthy IMO. It wasn't entirely her fault either, we all let it happen although she could be very pushy and demanding if we tried to clear a bit of breathing space just for us and our children. Is it just the phone calls, or is it more than that?

Original poster
Mummykt · 05/02/2007 16:59

This has been really useful to help me think through my feelings on this and what the issues are. DH and I have talked about this a lot and in part I think that perhaps one problem is that I spent 3 months away from home last year when my mum was ill/died and he visited at weekends. Perhaps we haven't bonded as a family yet as we had such a difficult time of it. He also made me feel really guilty that the PILs didn't see dd for that time, altho I said they were welcome to come over. It now feels like he is trying to make up for the time he and they missed.

I do find them smothering - when dd was born they turned up with 2 suitcases full of clothes and toys - very overwhelming! This is a pattern that has continued with most visits. And the first few visits all she ever said to me was 'do you push the hoover round?'
No offer of a cup of tea or anything!

So I think some of you are right - it is not the calls - altho they could be at a better time - it is the issues underpinning it that are the problem. More talking needed obviously! But I don't think I am mad anymore.

Also want to clarify I didn't make the comment about me and dd being his family now!

OP posts:
SpookyMadMummy · 05/02/2007 17:29

I encourage my DH to phone his parents... they are 200 miles away.
If I didn't tell him to call they would never hear from him!

fireflyfairy2 · 05/02/2007 17:47

We live about 20 footsteps away from IL's. After we had the kids we had a very strained relationship, but we are slowly building on it each time we see one and other. In fact, I have just came from her house today, & it was lovely She give the kids some juice, she made me a coffee, sat & chatted to me at the table whilst the kids wrecked her kitchen

Please, think of in a few years time, & you had a son... would you ever like to think of a day when a woman stopped him having contact with you? I only realised how hard it was for MIL to stop saying "My ####" when she talked about Dh when I had a son of my own. I never want a woman to make me feel the way I have made her feel on occassions I feel like a bitch again now.

Aloha · 05/02/2007 17:51

I think you are being unreasonable. Plenty of women talk to their mothers every day. Just read the OP and the two posts above and agree this is probably about something deeper.

LittleBoSheep · 05/02/2007 18:03

I used to find the same thing annoying and then I thought "well when my children are grown I would still like to talk to them every day" so I take a deep breath and ignore it.

MIL drives me mad and we are different in every way but I would hate to think my one day DIL felt this way about me so I keep trying. They too have a suffocating mother/only son relationship, I do sometimes feel he has not grown up completely as a result.

I dont think its unreasonable at ALL for you NOT to want to talk to them every day though - although his family came as part of the package you did not chose to marry THEM. I would ignore him speaking to them and carry on avoiding their daily calls unless YOU are in the mood.

redclyffe · 05/02/2007 19:23

I would say the main thing is never underestimate how hard it is to grieve for a parent whilst struggling with being one - it's a huge heap of tangled emotions, esp if you had the hard work of caring for your mother and dd at the same time.
Cut yourself some slack, and then some more.

Ready · 05/02/2007 19:26

I don't believe it was Mummykt that said "we are his family now"

kimi · 05/02/2007 19:37

I speak to my mom every day, DH1 never calls his mother, and my new partner only ever phones his after a lot of prompting.

I don't think that your DH is wrong to call them every day but i think he does need to think about calling them when it is NOT going to interfer with family stuff you are doing, and never from in bed!!

myermay · 05/02/2007 19:44

Message withdrawn

TeeCee · 05/02/2007 19:45

I've not read any other post other than the OP but my in itial reaction was one of .

Yes, I think you're being totally unreasonable, absolutley.

Why on earth would you have a problem with him speaking to his parents????

He sounds like a wonderful caring son and they are very lucky to have him in their lives. You should be celebrating this not holding it against him. You should be supporting him, encouraging it, praising it.

Caligula · 05/02/2007 19:51

Haven't read all the thread but yes I think it is a bit bizarre to object to your DH being a decent son.

kimi · 05/02/2007 20:05

Can i just ask, how do you think you would feel in years to come if your childs husband/wife did not want them to speak to you every day?

I think you are missing your own mum very much and that is adding to your feelings, does your DH try to understand?

funnypeculiar · 05/02/2007 20:10

From my reading of this, you're a bit like me. I'm closeish to my family, but we can not talk for weeks (months sometimes with my dad) and it's not felt to be important. Independence is something we all prize, for better and worse, iykwim.

DH on the other hand feels bad if he hasn't called his parents twice a week. In many, many ways I'm delighted he's so close to them, but if it's not what YOU'RE used to in your family, it can feel wierd.

There are a few things that have helped me. Firstly, I realised how much I liked dh's family, and how much I'd like our kids to feel like they wanted to talk to me. Secondly, I realised how important my little family is to his family ... And thirdly, dh is quite good at whinging about them too now, so when he comes off the phone we have a good moan about them

SSShakeTheChi · 05/02/2007 20:14

If you and dh are in bed cuddling with dd and you are perhaps breastfeeding her, I find it odd that dh chooses that time to call his dp. So instead of you, dh and dd having a cosy loving chat, you and dd have to listen to his conversation with his dp. That would annoy me too. Actually I always hate having to listen to someone else's long-winded phone conversation, whoever it is. I always just leave the room.

I can imagine that behaviour makes you feel rejected and hurt although I am sure he had no intention of making you feel that way. He has probably just never stopped to think about it. With your mother recently deceased, what you could do with now is quiet loving time with dh and your child I imagine that is what you would find most healing.

It doesn't sound to me like there are any bad guys in this scenario, so I think it can be changed to make you feel less uncomfortable. I think some kind of routine might help these calls feel less invasive, say that dh often calls his dp at a certain time when dd is there and listening in with him and you are busy doing something else in another room. Obviously he won't always call his dp at 5pm but perhaps he could be steered gently in that general direction.

wilkie50 · 05/02/2007 20:17

I personally don't think you are being unreasonable. You're not saying you don't want him to speak to them, the fact is it is every day???

My ex used to do this and yes, it did annoy me cos I wanted to know why he had to speak to his mum all the time - was I not enough for him?? I used to feel a bit undermined iykwim. Even when we went on holiday his mum used to ask for the hotel phone number so she could call!!!!

My PILs now are great and give us the space we need but DH still speaks to them twice a week. Enough imo.

Caroline1852 · 05/02/2007 21:26

It is unhealthy to feel in competition with your mother in law. You share one huge thing in common - you both think that man in your life is great (and you think that granddaughter is just amazing too!). You should therefore be allies, not adversaries. It should not be a competition. Someone once told me that I should choose a man who is kind to his mother as that is how he will treat his wife later in life. Sounds like you are on to a good thing!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 05/02/2007 21:36

"I wanted to know why he had to speak to his mum all the time - was I not enough for him?". "dh still speaks to them twice a week. Enough Imo".

I am absolutely that some of the posters to this thread think that it is acceptable to essentially dictate when and how often their husbands are allowed to speak to their mothers. I do think that the Op has some deeper issues here, however, I do think that if the situation was reversed and someone was posting "my dh doesn't like me speaking to my mother on a regular basis", those same mil haters would say that the poster had a very controlling dh and that he had no right to tell her how often she could speak to her mother.

Ultimately it is up to the dh to decide, not the dw. And as long as he hasn't moved the mil in without your knowledge, I think that no-one has a right to any say in how often their partner calls their family.

southeastastra · 05/02/2007 21:43

when my mum died my relationship with my mil went downhill for a while. give yourself some time to let a natural relationship develop with your in laws. i admit i do sometimes feel jealous of my dp's relationship with his mum, cause i don't have mine anymore.

RustyBear · 05/02/2007 22:02

I get incredibly irritated by my MIL, but I'd never think of stopping DH from phoning her, or from visiting her practically every weekend as he has been since August when my FIL became ill. In fact, he's only been at home for 7 weekends since then - and for two of those she was staying with us. I'd like to think DS would do the same for me if it became necessary.

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