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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"He's just your boyfriend"

78 replies

StrongerThanIThought76 · 22/09/2016 17:41

Been with my partner for 7 years, we live separately but within streets of each other, I have 2 kids full time, he has 2 kids 50/50.

This summer I turned 40 and my dad paid for us both to go to New York for 4 nights, on top of a huge family trip to Florida at Easter (but my partner didn't come as he had kids, work commitments etc).

My mum is very bitter about her divorce 30 years ago and was not interested in our holiday to Florida, and when i started to tell her about our recent adventure she got arsey and declared that she couldn't understand why my dad would pay for my partner as he's only my "boyfriend".

We've been together (apart from a painful break for about 9 months) for 7 years, longer than my brother has known his wife, who went to Florida, for 2 weeks, all expenses paid.

I'm livid. Because we're not married she thinks it's not a proper relationship; after being EA by my ex husband I can confirm that it is by far the best relationship I've been in, and she's really down on him constantly.

She's hosting Christmas this year, I'm really wanting to cancel and do something alternative with my partner and kids.

AIBU? I don't want to get married (yet), and I want to drag her into the 21st century!

OP posts:
Qwebec · 22/09/2016 19:24

Ok so your mum does view your relationship the way your do. You feel she is bitter and unsupportive. It is HER opinion, nothing more. It would be nice if she got understood how you felt, but she does not. That aside, is she generally nice to be with? Have you asked her to stop being so negative?
If she has a bad influence on your life and/or you would like to spend Christmas on your own. If it is because you expect her to view your relationship the way you do it or because you want to prove a point YAB a bit U. But in the same way she is, you are entiteled to your own opinion and are free to do as you wish, no jugement here.

GeorgeTheThird · 22/09/2016 19:31

Do the practical reasons for not living together include you claiming tax credits as a single parent?

LineyReborn · 22/09/2016 19:38

There's a very interesting thread on Step Parenting about couples who maintain separate residences for the sake and health of the children and the relationship.

They are couples.

People who think other people should co-habit to gain someone else's approval or special labels are naive or deluded.

Evergreen17 · 22/09/2016 19:38

YANBU
Some people are just following idiot ideas. Sorry this is your mum

LagunaBubbles · 22/09/2016 19:47

Your "NYC on a shoestring" had really annoyed me! Butlins, camping etc type holidays in the UK on a shoestring - maybe. A flight to America and hotels in one of the most expensive cities in the world - not so much.

squoosh · 22/09/2016 19:49

Of course you can do NYC on a shoestring. Depends on one's shoestring of course but it doesn't have to be a super expensive holiday.

SandyPantz · 22/09/2016 20:08

sounds like a snappy reaction to you going on and on and on about her ex and his partner rather than anything else TBH

Why do you expect her to share in your "buzz" Hmm about the time you spend with her ex, can't you just be present with her?

And yes you can spend christmas with just your boyfriend and kids if you like, but no, you can't do it to "teach" your mother to conform to your ideas of what being in the 21st century means.

LagunaBubbles · 22/09/2016 20:54

Squoosh there is no way any holiday to USA could be termed a "shoestring" holiday because of flight prices.

SandyPantz · 22/09/2016 20:59

agree you can only do NYC "on a shoe string" once you're there, travelling to and from NYC from England is never cheap

tofutti · 22/09/2016 21:00

I don't think you're ur DM should object to your DP treated to a holiday just because you aren't married.

However, I think you are BU to expect her to have been buzzed about your trip. It can't be nice for her, all the family going away on a 'huge family trip' she is not a part of. And you say she is still 'bitter' about her divorce. Why did your parents divorce? Does she have a DP?

I think you may have been a bit insensitive to your mum.

sandragreen · 22/09/2016 21:02

I don't think it's any of your mothers business what your father does with his money since they are no longer together.

I think you should do whatever you want to do as Christmas.

He is just a boyfriend.

tofutti · 22/09/2016 21:03

*your not you're ur

SandyPantz · 22/09/2016 21:05

I don't think it's any of your mothers business what your father does with his money since they are no longer together

No, it's not, which is probably why she snapped with the "just boyfriend" comment

If the OP hadn't gone on about it to the point where her mother knew the ins and outs of the finance of the trip, there wouldn't be a problem

Sounds like the OP doesn't treat her mother with any sensitivity. It's fine to mention the trip, but sounds like it went beyond that and the mother got fed up

donajimena · 22/09/2016 21:13

I don't live with my partner. I believe that the definition in the dictionary applies to us.
I'm like you OP I have 100 % childcare my PARTNER has his 50/50.
Our lives are very much intertwined and we would LOVE to live together but we have to put the children first.

Original poster
StrongerThanIThought76 · 22/09/2016 21:25

Woahhhhhh, us living apart has NOTHING to do with tax credits - he receives nothing benefits-wise for his kids as he has them 50/50 and his ex claims every penny, I work full time so my tax credits are significantly reduced; if we were living together we would be much better off than we are now - two mortgages, two lots of council tax, two lots of heating, electric, phone lines, tv licence, house insurance etc etc.

We usually holiday in a tent. On airbeds. At independent campsites because Butlins/Haven etc are just prohibitively expensive for a group of 6. The trips truly were holidays of a lifetime, one funded by a relative dying and enjoyed by 11 family members, the other as a one off, out of the blue treat for my significant birthday with just the two of us. The cost of flights to New York for two adults who weren't tied to premium prices for flying at 'sensible times or by flying direct' can be more than halved if you look hard enough, and we stayed in a budget hotel. For 4 nights. It was cheaper than a weekend at Center Parcs for 6. We travelled on the subway and bus, hired bikes and saw the sights with the help of an ex-pat who knows his way around. Staten Island ferry for example is free, and you have all of the city in view.

Anyway. That's beside the point. My mum pissed on my parade about the trip not so much because my dad paid for it, but because i went with my BOYFRIEND (she would have been fine if I went with my BFF, I know it), and she's on a constant downer about him despite him treating me like a queen compared to my exh.

I was hoping for some ideas of how to encourage her to consider our relationship to be valid.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/09/2016 21:41

"she's on a constant downer about him despite him treating me like a queen compared to my exh.

I was hoping for some ideas of how to encourage her to consider our relationship to be valid."

You're not going to get her approval and you need to stop trying.

You don't need her approval anyway. You're happy and that's what matters. Try and let going of caring so much what she thinks or says.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2016 22:02

In what way is she a downer?

Depending on what it is, it could be that she feels closer to him or likes him more so feels comfortable saying things or wanting more for him.

If she's old fashioned in her outlook on relationships it could be that he hasn't asked to move in or proposed.

If you care that much, ask her what her problem is. If you're not close enough to her to have that kind of conversation then why does it matter what she thinks?

NameChange30 · 22/09/2016 22:05

I very much doubt that a woman who was nicer about her daughter's EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE ex is being reasonable in criticising her current "boyfriend".

But then this is AIBU so everyone is jumping on the OP to tell her she's wrong and her mother's right Hmm

GreatFuckability · 22/09/2016 22:15

if your mother can't get over herself to be happy for you because of a divorce THIRTY YEARS ago, then she needs to have a word with herself.

my mother is the same about my dad, and frankly, it gets boring. I get it was hard for her, but she has ruined many things for me and my brother over the years with her nonsense. I am no longer with my kids dad, i'm not a massive fan of him at times, but there is no way I would be shitty to my child because of it, or make my children choose between us at important events.

YANBU OP. after 7 years there is no 'just' about it.

mixety · 22/09/2016 22:18

Liney hear hear, I was just about to post something to that same effect.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 22/09/2016 22:29

He is the OP's life partner. What has living together - or not - got to do with it if they are in a committed long term relationship? Plenty of married people live separately, like Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton used to. Does that make those people any less married? If people are in a relationship with someone in the forces whos's away overseas for six months on a tour of duty - does that make them 'just a boyfriend' while they're away but a 'partner' when they come home? Ridiculous. Saying 'he's just a boyfriend' is very dismissive and makes them sound about 15 years old. Partner is absolutely correct terminology after several years together.

MrsHam13 · 22/09/2016 22:41

Do you know what. Fuck her..Don't do anything to try encourage her to be nicer to him. She's a grown woman..If she can't be nice to the man who is making her daughter happy after ea then quite frankly I'd be minimising contact with her and giving her no info on my day to day life. She clearly has no interest.

Definitely enjoy Xmas just yourselfs where she won't be casting a shadow over your day with her negativity towards your PARTNER.

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 22/09/2016 23:15

Precisely what darkly said. The rest is just bloody semantics.

HidingFromDD · 22/09/2016 23:32

I know lots of people over 40 who have partners who they don't live with. In every case they have children and logistically it works out better. I would love to live with my partner, instead of only seeing him on weekends and our holidays, but we both have children to consider (live an hour apart - both have 50/50 care) and this is less disruptive for them. We're looking forward to when they're all packed off to uni when we can reconsider living arrangements.
I think i'd pass on the christmas festivities and just sort something out with your families tbh

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/09/2016 00:44

You having a modern relationship messes with your DM's head. If she can't see the obvious truth that you are in a committed relationship then no words are likely to change her mind. Just roll your eyes and mutter something about the 1950s.