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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"He's just your boyfriend"

78 replies

StrongerThanIThought76 · 22/09/2016 17:41

Been with my partner for 7 years, we live separately but within streets of each other, I have 2 kids full time, he has 2 kids 50/50.

This summer I turned 40 and my dad paid for us both to go to New York for 4 nights, on top of a huge family trip to Florida at Easter (but my partner didn't come as he had kids, work commitments etc).

My mum is very bitter about her divorce 30 years ago and was not interested in our holiday to Florida, and when i started to tell her about our recent adventure she got arsey and declared that she couldn't understand why my dad would pay for my partner as he's only my "boyfriend".

We've been together (apart from a painful break for about 9 months) for 7 years, longer than my brother has known his wife, who went to Florida, for 2 weeks, all expenses paid.

I'm livid. Because we're not married she thinks it's not a proper relationship; after being EA by my ex husband I can confirm that it is by far the best relationship I've been in, and she's really down on him constantly.

She's hosting Christmas this year, I'm really wanting to cancel and do something alternative with my partner and kids.

AIBU? I don't want to get married (yet), and I want to drag her into the 21st century!

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2016 18:04

Also agree with Bill

squoosh · 22/09/2016 18:05

Yes, the mother may still be bitter about her divorce that took place 30 years ago but the OP was in an emotionally abusive marriage. Why does the mother's situation trump the OP's?

phillipp · 22/09/2016 18:06

Op it's what Bill said.

It can not be be beyond you, to see why she verbally lashed out.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2016 18:07

I don't think anyone trumps anyone but she's going on about her lovely hol with DF which obviously isn't great for mil to hear so she retaliated. That's the reason, just words.

If you care about someone you don't go on about a lovely time you've had with someone they don't like...

Original poster

StrongerThanIThought76 · 22/09/2016 18:08

The Florida trip was paid for with money from an inheritance, as requested by the deceased relative. DM completely blanked both me and my kids who were buzzing for months before and after, utter buzz kill.

NYC was done on a shoestring - he's as tight as the proverbial otherwise.

OP posts:

phillipp · 22/09/2016 18:09

Yes, the mother may still be bitter about her divorce that took place 30 years ago but the OP was in an emotionally abusive marriage. Why does the mother's situation trump the OP's?

The doesn't even make sense. It's not about whose relationship history is worse. Her mother is probably upset about the wonderful holidays her ex is paying for and having to hear about them.

Some people just don't need to hear some things. This is one of them.

squoosh · 22/09/2016 18:09

'If you care about someone you don't go on about a lovely time you've had with someone they don't like...'

And if you love your daughter you don't piss all over her holiday chat just because it involves your ex husband from 30 years ago.

NameChange30 · 22/09/2016 18:09

Surely it's none of her business who paid for who on your birthday trip? It was a lovely generous present from your dad, maybe she's jealous and bitter that she couldn't afford to spend so much on you and your boyfriend!

If she is often negative about your relationship and about life in general, don't spend Christmas with her!

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2016 18:13

And if you love your daughter you don't piss all over her holiday chat just because it involves your ex husband from 30 years ago

I agree but I'm not talking to Dm so in my opinion they were both knobby just op did it first. Obvs DN could just say "I really don't want to hear about" in a nice way but she didn't.

MiddleClassProblem · 22/09/2016 18:15

Also NYC was done on a shoestring - he's as tight as the proverbial otherwise sounds ungrateful. I'm not sure what you imagine the rest of us get from our parents no matter the reason

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/09/2016 18:18

Can you 'do' NYC on a shoestring? We must have different shoestrings.

19lottie82 · 22/09/2016 18:19

Dictionary a definition of partner

"the person you are married to or living with as if married to them, or the person you are having a sexual relationship with:"

alltouchedout · 22/09/2016 18:20

You can be married and live separately. You can live together without being 'partners'. You can definitely be partners and live apart. Basing whether or not people are in a partnership on where each of them lives is daft.

Original poster

StrongerThanIThought76 · 22/09/2016 18:21

Oh goodness no, I'm extremely grateful for both trips, he's a retired accountant so it was very well researched price-wise; an experience I never expected and could never have dreamed of affording by myself, and both dad and stepmum know how grateful we all are to have been treated. I scraped the cash together for spending money for both trips.

OP posts:

ChocolateWombat · 22/09/2016 18:22

I think the JUST was used, because she sees your relationship as less committed - that might be because you don't live together or because you're not married.

Regardless of the practical reasons why you do live apart or the fact that you have been together for a good while, the fact that you don't share a home or all the practical things associated with that makes the relationship seem less serious......and TBH, probably in reality makes it a different kind of relationship to one where people live together......because living with someone does alter the relationship...not always for good, but it does change it.

Even with the people who have been together but always lived apart for 20 years, whilst they might be very committed to each other, imo the relationship IS different to one where people live together. Somehow it is less of a full-on relationship, because a crucial element of being a serious committed couple who are fully together is that they share their lives fully...which involves living together. This may well be in marriage, but might not be.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/09/2016 18:23

Do you think she'd have felt the same way if your dad you were single and he had paid for a female 'BFF' to go on the holiday with you? She's being ridiculous either way, but if she would have felt differently then I'd certainly point that out to her.

Rainbunny · 22/09/2016 18:23

Love all the comments declaring that you must cohabit to be considered partners. I know a married couple who don't live together, they are very happy and this is just how they prefer to live, are they not truly married then? After 7 years - longer than many marriages last I might add of course you call your DP your partner OP!

Beebeeeight · 22/09/2016 18:25

Only someone ridiculously spoiled would think their parent paying for their boyfriend to go to nyc was 'normal'.

ohisawthat · 22/09/2016 18:37

Do you think your DF might have been "as tight as the proverbial" towards your DM following their divorce, in relation to child support (assuming you and your sibling lived with her)? I can see how it might be galling for her to hear of generosity on his part now. She ought to be able to see past something like that, but may find that hard!

wheresthel1ght · 22/09/2016 18:38

Your mum is being a cow!!

Dp and I have been together for 4.5 years, 3 kids between u sand a mortgage and my mum has referred to him as her son in law since day 1!

BabooshkaKate · 22/09/2016 18:43

How many threads do we see on here with people struggling to make blended families work? OP, stick with your current arrangement, your mum is just old fashioned in her thinking.

HyacinthFuckit · 22/09/2016 18:58

He is your boyfriend. But it's none of your mother's business who your father chooses to spend his money on sending on holiday. While she's not wrong about your relationship status, she is wrong to stick her beak into what your dad does for you. I wouldn't fuck Christmas off just for that one comment, but you mention she's down on your OH constantly. If that's the case, to the extent that she'd impair your enjoyment of Christmas, you'd be justified.

GabsAlot · 22/09/2016 18:59

some people ar ejust old fashioned i know a few people who dont live with their partners

shes just bitter about your dad

DiegeticMuch · 22/09/2016 19:08

The "boyfriend" isn't an issue. The "just" is. It's unfortunate that she's bitter but why must she take it out on you? Ignore it.

Yellowbird54321 · 22/09/2016 19:22

I don't think you have to live with or be married to someone in order to refer to them or regard them as your partner. I couldn't be arsed enough about any of this to be "livid", but I would be having the Christmas I wanted where I want it

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