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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my 15yr old attend a party with alcohol?

79 replies

Researchingamove · 21/09/2016 12:19

My 15yr old DD (16 in Nov) is upset with me just now because I won't let her go to a friend's house party next month where DD has said she would drink alcohol. She's tried alcohol previously, e.g. a few sips of champagne at special events or a taste of her dad's beer at home but there is only one parent supervising at the party and we have different parenting styles and I think at 15 DD is too young to potentially get drunk, something which she is hinting at. DH says I need to trust her and I do trust her - I trust her to be a teen! I did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol from around the age of 16-19 (fuelling my concerns) and I'm a bit confused as to why people think it's ok for a 15yr old to be allowed into that environment without parental supervision, albeit there WILL be a parent there, just not one of us. Am I being a mean mum and spoiling DD's fun? I genuinely don't feel it appropriate that 15yr olds should be intoxicated and as she begins college next year there will be plenty time for partying with new friends then. This is causing heat at home because DD normally makes her own choices, usually very well but this is an issue. My main concern is if she does become intoxicated she will therefore be vulnerable. The general consensus is that I'm being too controlling of her and I don't want to be but I feel I have to look out for her best interests too.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Fluffsnuts · 21/09/2016 13:58

How about arming her with 'tools' on how to behave whilst at the party , particularly if she doesn't like the taste of alcohol - for example, having cans of drink so no one can tell how much she is drinking, making 'vodka' and coke, with very little vodka in, sipping drinks and pouring some away when ever she goes to the loo or in to garden, putting drinks down and 'forgetting' about them. All ways of appearing to drink without actually drinking all that much but avoiding any peer pressure issues.

Monkeyface26 · 21/09/2016 13:58

You are not being unreasonable but banning her from going is probably not going to help. This question is going to keep coming up.
My DD1 is a similar age & it works better for us if I speak to her as an adult and show that I am prepared to consider changing my mind about things if she makes her case to me in a mature, considered way. I say '"I don't want you to go and this is why I am worried. If you want to go, you need to think about my objections and persuade me that I am wrong to worry." I remind her often that trust and respect are things that you earn and that if you abuse trust, it is very hard to earn it back.
DD1 responds well to me telling her that I respect her point of view enough to change my mind because trust works both ways blah blah blah.....

Monkeyface26 · 21/09/2016 14:00

I should add that I often start by saying 'no' to things that I am going to let her do so that she has to consider my concerns and talk me into it respectfully. She doesn't know that though!

allsfairinlove · 21/09/2016 14:01

Are you able to speak to the parent in charge of the party? I think it would be good to discuss beforehand and put your mind at rest that it'll be a controlled environment rather than a mad alcohol fuelled orgy!

UsernameHistory · 21/09/2016 14:08

Monkey

Are you this child's big sister or mother?

No. What point were you trying to make? You'll do better if you avoid using empty rhetoric.

RoystonVaseySmegHead · 21/09/2016 14:17

YABU. If you make an issue of it she'll just sneak out and either go to the party anyway or she'll do what most young people do, tell their parents they're going out Or going to a sleepover and then get wasted in a field/local area with no adult supervision... Let her go to the party but tell her hoe not to get drunk. E.g she can have whatever drink she wants, but then she has a juice/pop/water after. And if she starts to feel funny then stop. I'd tell her if she gets wankered there'll be trouble, you're trusting her to act like an adult and not go ott

eyebrowsonfleek · 21/09/2016 14:20

My son's in the same school year a your dd.

I'd be pleased that she'd been honest and would allow a little alcohol (2 bottles of cider?) .

I agree that there's no need to be intoxicated and I bet that there will be one or two kids who will be very drunk while the others are happy with their couple of bottles of beer. Is she generally a follower ? Clown?

If you ban her for going totally then she'll start lying about her whereabouts or once she is 18, she'll be the person who's twice as drunk as everybody else and make a fool of herself. I remember going to parties after my O levels. You might be making her miss out on parties then too.

specialsubject · 21/09/2016 14:23

Kid has expressed an ambition to get drunk. Sad sack sheep but there you go.

All op can do is remind her that pissed people are vulnerable and that too much is actually poisonous. Give her some idea of what too much is.

And if she.is hungover the next day, no sympathy.

Original poster

Researchingamove · 21/09/2016 14:28

I just don't understand why alcohol has to be such an important part of youth culture at 15, especially to the point of excess. There is so much other things to be worrying about AND enjoying but it is and there's nothing I can do to change that.

Coffeetsteslikeshit If I'm honest I'm concerned she will become vulnerable to unwanted attention from lads, or get into conflict. I said upthread that I had paid a heavy price for being intoxicated to the point of not being able to look after myself when I was a teen and I would hate for some of those scenarios to happen to DD. I can see I'm projecting here but isn't this what you do as a parent? You learn from experience and pass on the benefit of that knowledge whilst they are learning and growing? It's meant to be better for your children than it was for yourself, surely?

Do they ALWAYS have to follow this rite of passage in relation to alcohol? Why do we normalise this?

OP posts:

Janus · 21/09/2016 14:36

It was museum but I would question that remark too museum. I find it's much better to TALK to teenagers rather than just refuse all requests. Some things I will agree with some I won't and I won't be budged! But a great deal of teenagers are going to parties at 16 and need to be told how to behave appropriately and given some trust.

corythatwas · 21/09/2016 14:39

Don't know about your dd, OP, but one reason might be because not all the guests are the same age. Certainly when dd started going to parties there was an age spread of two or three years (not to mention a spread in maturity!), so some were well able to drink, others not so much.

It was really up to me to be as informed as I could about the set-up and then make a judgement call as to whether she'd be able to handle it. I think whichever decision you make now, the way forward is definitely communication.

Not convinced by the argument "they'll only do it anyway"- ime some do, some don't. But definitely think communication is key. If they trust you, if they think your judgement is good, then they will be that little bit less willing to let you down. And they will allow you to be clear about what you would consider letting down.

My parents were strict to the point of hysterical regarding alcohol. It did make me decide not to drink while I was still living at home (didn't work for my brother), but it also meant I couldn't learn anything from them or ever discuss safety with them. In the long run, it possibly left me less safe. Some kind of middle route is probably best.

DixieWishbone · 21/09/2016 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocampinghere · 21/09/2016 14:46

Op, explain your concerns. Share the detail if you can. See what she says. I think 15 year olds think they're invincible.

eyebrowsonfleek · 21/09/2016 14:48

Just because the daughter is hinting at getting drunk, it doesn't mean that she will. What are her friends like?

If you watch The Inbetweeners , the main characters pretend that they've had lots of sex and offers of sex when in reality the girls are rolling their eyes at the immaturity and desperation of the boys.

Personally, I am far more worried about drugs than alcohol. I know that there are many 15 year olds who have tried weed and I worry about people bringing harder stuff like pills to such parties.

corythatwas · 21/09/2016 14:50

To be frank, I don't understand it either. But if I have learnt anything from having teenagers of my own, it is that you have to parent them in the actual culture they are living in rather than in some different culture you wished you lived in.

LurkingHusband · 21/09/2016 14:52

I just don't understand why alcohol has to be such an important part of youth culture at 15

Because it's a big part of adult culture, and at 15 most adolescents are looking to become adults ?

DianaMitford · 21/09/2016 14:55

I think YABU. My DD (almost 15) has been going to parties with alcohol for the last few months. There's always a parent on site and she's sensible.

I think to forbid her going to a party based on nothing she has done is unfair and - as pp have said - she's far more likely to deceive you next time.

DiegeticMuch · 21/09/2016 15:00

Let her go but have a good chat with her beforehand OP.

JellyBelli · 21/09/2016 15:10

YANBU. This is how we explained it to older DS;
You have one drink, you feel fine, you have another. You start to feel good so you have another drink.
What you dont realise is thats the first drink thats hit your system, theres two more waiting to be absorbed. Its very easy to drink too fast, then get really drunk really quickly.
DS grasped that. When he started going to parties whre there was drink, he alternated between soft drinks and alcohol, and managed it really well.
He didnt get drunk until he was 18.

thehugemanatee · 21/09/2016 15:34

I don't think this is an aibu question because it's the sort of thing g that is personal and doesn't matter if others do it differently.

I drank from age 14 at parties, but my kids will not be having alcohol with my knowledge until they are of legal drinking age. I don't believe anyone needs alcohol and prefer them to not start their experience with alcohol with teen parties and drink-to-get-drunk attitudes.

But my opinion is no more valid than that of a parent who wants to allow alcohol. It's really personal feelings and both are fine.

Original poster

Researchingamove · 21/09/2016 15:47

You know, I've read everyone's reply and I just cannot get my head around the fact that it's acceptable for 15yr olds to have alcohol as part of their socialising activities. I don't know if it's because of my experience with alcohol as a teen or whether I've gotten less adventurous as I've aged but it doesn't sit well with me at all.

I can tell I'm in the minority, most of you have advocated for me to allow her to attend the party with conditions and the last thing I want to do is restrict DD's development but I just cannot get my head around this.

This is her GCSE year, the last thing I want to do is unwittingly give some kind of signal that it's ok to do something which MAY affect her studies.

I sound like a REAL drag.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 21/09/2016 15:55

You are not a drag, and the people who said "with conditions" did not actually state that the conditions involved getting hammered.

Some teens are actually mature enough to attend a party with drink and not drink themselves (my dd did this for several years, not a problem), others may be mature enough to ration their drink carefully, some parents will decide (perfectly sensibly) that their particular teen is not mature enough to go anywhere near this party (that was my ds until very recently). There are all possible permutations. What is essential is that you and your particular teen manage to stay in communication.

I thought there was a reasonable chance that dd would be self-controlled, because I remembered myself as a teen and she seemed to think along very similar lines. I had some doubts about ds because he reminded me more of some other youngsters I could remember.

RoystonVaseySmegHead · 21/09/2016 15:57

op you don't sound like a drag you're just being a good parent! But your daughter trusts you enough to tell you about the alcohol that would be at the party so You've obviously raised a wonderful and sensible young lady.(most kids I know won't even tell their parents about minor things) IMHO, it's better to tell her what you expect, give her a lift there and back if you can and send her with 1/2 WKDs of her own and let her drink those than have her and possibly other friends pool their money on other occasions and get alcohol from someone whos daft enough to go in the shop for them. I'd tell her that this is a one off, and you're trusting her to be a grown up. I had an awful relationship with booze from around the age of 12/13 all because my parents were totally against Booze of Any kind.. My friends were 1-5 years older than me and we all used to go drink whatever booze we could find/get someone to buy us/steal in the middle of nowhere, in the pitch black with the oldest of us being 17/18... If my parents had sat me down and given me some base rules about alcohol from the get go rather than it always being a flat out no, I feel that I'd have been much more sensible :( now I've had DS I haven't been drunk drunk in nearly 2 and a half years and I realise now what a stupid stupid cow I was getting that drunk when I was so vulnerable. Give her a chance op. You might be surprised :)

UsernameHistory · 21/09/2016 16:07

I think the key here OP is you saying I don't know if it's because of my experience with alcohol as a teen or whether...

You can;t make all the mistakes on behalf of your children. They have to make some themselves. It's the only way we learn.

You obviously had alcohol (I assume you were under 18) so had the chance to make mistakes and they shaped the person you are now. Give your daughter the same opportunity. Alcohol is the drug of most Westerners and knowing how to use it safely is an important part of maturing.

Nataleejah · 21/09/2016 16:28

YANBU. Its against the law to allow underage drinking. Of course they will do it, but adults shouldn't be enabling it.

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