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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my 15yr old attend a party with alcohol?

79 replies

Researchingamove · 21/09/2016 12:19

My 15yr old DD (16 in Nov) is upset with me just now because I won't let her go to a friend's house party next month where DD has said she would drink alcohol. She's tried alcohol previously, e.g. a few sips of champagne at special events or a taste of her dad's beer at home but there is only one parent supervising at the party and we have different parenting styles and I think at 15 DD is too young to potentially get drunk, something which she is hinting at. DH says I need to trust her and I do trust her - I trust her to be a teen! I did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol from around the age of 16-19 (fuelling my concerns) and I'm a bit confused as to why people think it's ok for a 15yr old to be allowed into that environment without parental supervision, albeit there WILL be a parent there, just not one of us. Am I being a mean mum and spoiling DD's fun? I genuinely don't feel it appropriate that 15yr olds should be intoxicated and as she begins college next year there will be plenty time for partying with new friends then. This is causing heat at home because DD normally makes her own choices, usually very well but this is an issue. My main concern is if she does become intoxicated she will therefore be vulnerable. The general consensus is that I'm being too controlling of her and I don't want to be but I feel I have to look out for her best interests too.

AIBU?

OP posts:
coffeetasteslikeshit · 21/09/2016 13:03

I think you're going to have to trust her on this one. For all the reasons already stated. At least there will be a parent there so you know it's not going to turn into a mad orgy!

Original poster
Researchingamove · 21/09/2016 13:04

A mad orgy?!?!

Bloody hell, she's never even had a boyfriend!

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/09/2016 13:07

You will let your children drink at home but won't let them go to parties OP and madein? Why? There's no consistency. As a teenager I'd rather have a no alcohol rule imposed at home and parties if it meant I could still hang out with my mates.

What's the fun in drinking with your parents, but not being allowed out at 15+. I don't get that at all.

Gottagetmoving · 21/09/2016 13:08

Who is supplying the alcohol? Its illegal to buy or supply alcohol for an under 18. The parent supervising could be prosecuted if any of the kids get very drunk and taken to hospital.

I think you are right to be concerned but only you know your daughter. I don't think you are being controlling at all. You are responsible for a 15 year old so it is up to you to judge whether she can be trusted or not. It sounds like she wants to get drunk so I wouldn't trust her not to.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/09/2016 13:11

That's not true Gotta. It's legal to give alcohol to 5-15 year olds at home or on private premises (drinkaware website)

corythatwas · 21/09/2016 13:11

Ime alcohol starts featuring at parties around the age of 14/15 or even earlier (slightly dependent on the age of their friends). If they have older friends, then there will probably be a time when you say "no, you are too young, you are not going to this party". And then there will come a time when you do let them go, having discussed expected behaviour and a strategy for being able to stick to it.

Different parents put the cut-off time in slightly different places: to me,15 does not seem abnormally old for a straight no, nor abnormally young for a conditional yes; it's very much borderline. By age 16, certainly by age 17, you probably do have to let them go.

But whatever you do, when the time does come, do have a calm discussion beforehand about how to stay safe- and make sure she knows that she need never be too embarrassed to phone you up for rescuing if a situation is getting out of hand, either for herself or on behalf of a friend.

One of my most reassuring memories is of dd phoning us at a similar age asking if her dad could come and get a friend who had had too much to drink. Knowing that she trusted him to help whatever happened made us feel far safer about the whole partying thing.

Janus · 21/09/2016 13:21

My eldest is 16 and drinking at parties did start when she was 15 (nearly 16). I gave her 3 stubby bottles of strawberry cider (I bought so knew strength). I picked her up every time so I knew if she was drunk or not. She had to text me about 3 times whilst at the party.
She has been fine. My experience is that no parents provide the booze, each child brings their own.
We had our dd's 16th here, someone sneaked in vodka and one boy was particularly ill so I took him home.
Always good to know how many are at the party too as one person out of 50 getting drunk is not easy to spot!
It's up to you if you let her go or not and no one can tell you what is right or wrong.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/09/2016 13:24

That's not true Gotta. It's legal to give alcohol to 5-15 year olds at home or on private premises (drinkaware website)

Maybe this is true in the narrowest sense (I haven't googled it), but it's easy to imagine any number of scenarios where you'd still be open for prosecution.

ludog · 21/09/2016 13:24

Yanbu

Gottagetmoving · 21/09/2016 13:25

That's not true Gotta. It's legal to give alcohol to 5-15 year olds at home or on private premises (drinkaware website

Thanks, I stand corrected ThroughThickandThin

Thefishewife · 21/09/2016 13:27

MuseumOfCurry Wed

Exactly

And I just asked ds and drink is not often freely a avaible and the reality is its often other children parents offering him a deink😳Or them allowing drink in ther home and not supervising other children drinking

Thefishewife · 21/09/2016 13:28

poster Gottagetmoving Wed 21-Sep-16 13:25:39

I very much doubt it's legal to give children you are not related to your or don't know drink

The law is about ones own children

MuseumOfCurry · 21/09/2016 13:28

I have no idea why anyone would presume to usurp a parent's authority in this way. Even if it's legal, just why?

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2016 13:29

It's legal on private property

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2016 13:29

Sorry seen up the thread lol

Thefishewife · 21/09/2016 13:32

its very scarey out there often it's not other young people you have to be careful of its fucking parents who feel they can make choices for your young person on your behalf and of course they are not there to deal with the fall out often not making sure there home safe Ect

UsernameHistory · 21/09/2016 13:35

No it isn't thefishwife although this is absolutely derailing the thread. Teenagers can find booze when they want as most of us know.

OP I think the best thing you can do is educate her, trust her and cultivate an open relationship. As others have said, complete bans may well just mean she lies about it.

Staying up late and collecting her will at least mean that you get to see the state she's in. If she's had a few drinks but is still pretty sober then she should be praised for it. Supplying her with the drink gives you some sort of control over what she's drinking.

Remember that at some point (as we've all done) she probably will drink much too much and have a stinking hangover / throw up on the way home etc. Part of the growing up process. I remember children of really strict parents getting to uni and making complete arses of themselves with no one there to look after them.

Thefishewife · 21/09/2016 13:39

Sorry but if your holding a party and allowing underage drinking then it's your shout to make sure all those children get home safe

MiddleClassProblem · 21/09/2016 13:39

It's not a new thing though. It's just about how you manage it.

You're lucky she is so honest with you op. I really would be honest with her in return about why it worries you and your experiences with it. She's old enough to understand.

corythatwas · 21/09/2016 13:40

Museum, in my experience, most of the alcohol at teen parties are brought in by teens. Parents tend to supply limited alcoholic drinks and some non-alcoholic drinks: the bottle of vodka gets brought in by some other guest.

Parents are there to make sure proceedings do not get totally out of hand, but they cannot keep tabs on exactly what and how much is consumed by each individual teen. That responsibility lies with the teen themselves. You let them go to teen parties when you think they can handle that responsibility. In our case that was the end of Year 11 with both dc.

You also make it very clear that you will hold them responsible for anything they do that they shouldn't. "Will's mum gave it to me" is only an excuse if Will's mum actually pinned you down and poured it down your throat with a funnel. If you claim you thought the vodka was lemonade I shall be Hmm.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/09/2016 13:43

Staying up late and collecting her will at least mean that you get to see the state she's in. If she's had a few drinks but is still pretty sober then she should be praised for it. Supplying her with the drink gives you some sort of control over what she's drinking.

Are you this child's big sister or mother?

5Foot5 · 21/09/2016 13:43

YANBU. I would never have offered or allowed alcohol to DDs friends that young.

I don't think alcohol featured at her birthday celebrations until she was 17 and then we supplied a smallish amount of beer and cider (no spirits or alcopops) and DH and I were both on the premises. In fact we also gave everyone a lift home afterwards to make sure they all got back safely.

I guess that makes us sound staid and boring but DD and her friends all seemed to enjoy themselves and DD was happy with the arrangement.

corythatwas · 21/09/2016 13:45

Or to put it another way, if you are young enough to excuse yourself by "another parent made choices for me", then you are not old enough to go to this kind of party.

It is not usurping another parent's authority if you are upfront about what kind of party this will be and the other parent then makes the choice to allow their child to attend.

madein1995 · 21/09/2016 13:47

It's legal for children to drink in the home with parents permission, and also in the home at least you know what they're doing. You can stop them after 1 or 2, you can stop them when they've had enough, it's a controlled environment and they're not vulnerable. In a teenage party with alcohol there's more opportunity to go past their limit and get Ill, also they're a lot more vulnerable and no guarantee someone will look after them if they're drunk, a totally different scenario to a few cans in the home. I personally wouldn't not let them drink in the home as I've seen how that can affect teens sometimes - my friend was never allowed alcohol at home so she got drunk at every opportunity and went wild. Not saying that's the same for everyone but I think everyone parents based on how they were parented and for me, that means I'd let them have a few in the house. I wouldn't let them go a drink party where they could be exposed to all dangers, not until they're 17/18 and understand more about alcohol and the effect it has. I'd have no problem getting a bottle of fruity wine for a 15 yo to consume over many weekends (not letting them get drunk obviously) but no way would I buy that bottle of fruity wine and then let them go to the park with it.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 21/09/2016 13:49

A mad orgy?!?!
Bloody hell, she's never even had a boyfriend!

Grin She's definitely good at making good choices then Wink

You say My main concern is if she does become intoxicated she will therefore be vulnerable - what are concerned that she'll be vulnerable to?