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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that DH doesn't understand my separation anxiety

88 replies

Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 14:09

DH and I are currently not talking because he is cross with me because my first reaction to his suggesting we go away for my 40th birthday was panic at the thought of leaving the kids, rather than being delighted with his kind and thoughtful suggestion. He wants us to go to New York in March and has even spoken to my mum about having the kids. I know I was supposed to be pleased but he just doesn't get how much the idea of leaving the kids (aged 10, 7 and 3) to go so far away makes me really, really anxious. And I know I'm being irrational. It's not like we never leave them with anyone else and we have once before gone off abroad for a couple of days without kids and I realize that the distance we go or the time we are gone has no bearing on the likelihood of something happening to them or us when we're not there. But I just can't help it. He doesn't get it at all because his default setting is absence, given that he's at work all day every day and is sometimes away for a few weeks at a time. Since the kids were born he's done quite a bit of travelling, to the Middle East, Japan and loads of places in Europe. I know that left to my own devices as I wouldn't go anywhere as I find it too stressful (I work from home, so this is my default setting) but he takes personal offence at this and says it upsets him that I don't want to go away with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Manoodledo · 21/09/2016 12:22

MudCity you're right this is me. I think the last time I left the house in the evening by myself was 3 months ago and that's not unusual. Life is pretty small and I've lost a little bit of confidence over the last ten years(!) of being at home with kids and working from home.
Actually today I feel bad, we stayed up very late last night talking about this and he is genuinely hurt and I probably didn't handle it the best way I could have done. Maybe I do need counselling as I feel bad about leaving the kids to do nice things for myself and for us as a couple.

OP posts:

sentia · 21/09/2016 12:51

Does he acknowledge that you're also hurt by his childish behaviour?

Creativemode · 21/09/2016 13:02

Op I think yanbu.

I would t leave the country and leave my two.

I'm not a martyr to my kids an I'm happy to get rid of them for a few hours or a night here and here.

My eldest has done beaver camp and stayed with family many times and I am absolutely fine with it. Many nights dh and I have gone off to hotels for a night while dc are at granny's.

I would not leave the country without them for a whole variety of reasons and I'd feel very guilty about them missing out on seeing New York.

I haven't rtft but I think people are being very mean saying you need counselling. I think your feelings are perfectly normal.

MudCity · 22/09/2016 20:23

OP, I think counselling is the way to go. In particular a course of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) might help. You are noticing that the way you feel about going out is starting to have an impact on your life, your enjoyment and your relationships.. It has become normal for you but is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

Please try and make yourself go out every day, even if it is for 20 minutes, and set yourself a goal to go somewhere different every week....whatever is achievable for you. Think about a hobby you have always wanted to pursue or somewhere you want to go. Don't let your life become any narrower. It starts with declining a few invitations....it can end by feeling totally isolated and declining opportunities to do something that 10 years ago you would have jumped at the chance of doing.

Bite the bullet. Life is short and is to be enjoyed. New York is fantastic. Start small. Build up gradually. Test it out. Be brave. You can do it.

Batteriesallgone · 22/09/2016 20:44

This thread definitely has the potential to upset the homebodies amongst us I haven't been abroad for years.

It has never crossed my mind that my simple happy life needs counselling. And if my DH turned into a twat insisting I do something he wants to do for my birthday I can't imagine trying to fix the problem by changing myself would make me happy.

Kr1stina · 22/09/2016 21:53

I really don't understand many of the comments on this thread .

I like to spend my holidays visiting gardens . My husband doesn't , he liked motor car racing . Does he needs counselling or CBT or is it OK for us to like doing different things?

What if I decide to book a garden tour for his 50th birthday - would that be a thoughtful thing to do and can I be " genuinely hurt " if he says he'd rather go to the Grand Prix?

Or would it actually be quite manipulative , trying to pretend that it's a gift from me when In fact it's me trying to make him do something I like instead of what he would like to do .

Why does the Op need counselling because she doesn't want to go to NYC and leave her kids behind ? When did it become compulsory to like that kind of holiday to be considered normal ?

SatsukiKusakabe · 22/09/2016 22:18

I think maybe your confidence would come back if you weren't being manipulated out of your own opinions and feelings.

If you genuinely have a problem with leaving the house, and your husband would like to help you address it, then a trip to New York leaving behind your young children is not the best first step in any case.

MudCity · 23/09/2016 08:16

Everything depends on whether the OP is happy with the way her life and is making a choice about what she does or where she goes, or whether anxiety and a lack of confidence is getting in the way.

There is no issue about preferring to stay at home as long as anxiety is controlling that decision.

The OP just has to ask herself whether she is truly happy with the way her life is right now or whether she would like things to be a little different.

MudCity · 23/09/2016 08:17

...as long as anxiety is not controlling that decision...

Batteriesallgone · 23/09/2016 11:04

Agree with everything Satsuki said. How are you OP?

witchywoohoo · 23/09/2016 11:13

I think you it would be helpful to separate whether you feel you can't go away or whether you actually just don't want to go away. You said you have managed to go away before and you are fine with the kids going away. I know that New York is somewhere I would want to share with my children.

dowhatnow · 23/09/2016 11:20

I think for your birthday you should do something that you really want to do however, I think that you should go to NY another time with DH. I know it will be hard but you should do it for him. You may not enjoy it but TBH I would find it very hard to live with someone whose horizons were so narrow, especially if you weren't like this when you got together.
But not for your birthday.

dowhatnow · 23/09/2016 11:27

And I wouldn't be saying that if it was just the length of time that was the problem. I can understand not wanting to leave them for more than a few days, but my response above was in relation to not wanting to leave the house for a short period of time /do other things anymore.

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