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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that DH doesn't understand my separation anxiety

88 replies

Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 14:09

DH and I are currently not talking because he is cross with me because my first reaction to his suggesting we go away for my 40th birthday was panic at the thought of leaving the kids, rather than being delighted with his kind and thoughtful suggestion. He wants us to go to New York in March and has even spoken to my mum about having the kids. I know I was supposed to be pleased but he just doesn't get how much the idea of leaving the kids (aged 10, 7 and 3) to go so far away makes me really, really anxious. And I know I'm being irrational. It's not like we never leave them with anyone else and we have once before gone off abroad for a couple of days without kids and I realize that the distance we go or the time we are gone has no bearing on the likelihood of something happening to them or us when we're not there. But I just can't help it. He doesn't get it at all because his default setting is absence, given that he's at work all day every day and is sometimes away for a few weeks at a time. Since the kids were born he's done quite a bit of travelling, to the Middle East, Japan and loads of places in Europe. I know that left to my own devices as I wouldn't go anywhere as I find it too stressful (I work from home, so this is my default setting) but he takes personal offence at this and says it upsets him that I don't want to go away with him.

OP posts:

NewPotatoes · 20/09/2016 15:11

I think the issue is that this is a trip away for him, and not something you're keen to do - if you were, you'd be happier about going. It's pretty fucking obtuse of someone who gaily takes work trips with the luxury of having a co-parent working from home who can be assumed to do all childcare in his absence to castigate the parent who doesn't travel for work, seldom leaves the children, and who is therefore understandably less casual about crossing the Atlantic for a week for a birthday 'treat' she doesn't particularly want.

What would you like to do instead, OP? Long weekend in Paris?

Koan · 20/09/2016 15:12

I wouldn't have gone that far when my youngest was 3, for all the reasons you give. Did go to New York when he was nearly 5 - but DH was at home with them (well at work and my mum there in the daytime). He's the only one I'd have left them with at that time, but that wouldn't help in this case!

Adnerb95 · 20/09/2016 15:15

Neither of you is being unreasonable. I always found it difficult to leave mine and used to have to get DH to speak to them on the phone as I could cope with hearing their voices.
But equally, he is NBU either as he has obviously out some thought into your celebration and wants you to enjoy it.

Go for it - you won't regret it !!!!!

(and it may be helpful in dealing with some of the separation anxiety you struggle with)

Adnerb95 · 20/09/2016 15:16

could NOT cope

MicDropper · 20/09/2016 15:17

TBF, I can see why he might be upset. He has clearly put some thought into this, if he has gone as far as speaking to your mum about having the kids, and he clearly wants to make your 40th special for you.

Clearly not as she isn't interested in it
It sounds like he is upset as it's what he wants.

MicDropper · 20/09/2016 15:19

Oh and I would spend the entire time stressing out and would never leave my children to go to another continent unless my partner was looking after them. Certainly not my mother who is already a carer for two other people!

DiegeticMuch · 20/09/2016 15:22

You don't fancy NY and you don't want to leave the children. He needs to come up with another idea (one that's for your benefit as the birthday girl, not his!)

It's too much for your mum as well, I reckon. She sounds lovely though!

ginnybag · 20/09/2016 15:28

See, OP, I'm with you.

I just wouldn't want to go on holiday without my DD, and I would worry about being so far away.

In my head (and I fully appreciate that it is just in my head!) the time for child free holidays is before or after you have the child(ren). I want to spend time with my DD, and I want to take her away with us if we go. I just can't imagine going to somewhere like NY - and not letting her share that.

I am fully happy with her travelling without us, though, so it is possible that I'm just overly concerned about her missing out!

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 20/09/2016 15:29

Irrespective of missing the children, it's very unfair to ask your mother to look after three children given her existing responsibilities. It sounds like she could do with a nice break to New York!

Blueskyrain · 20/09/2016 15:44

I think he should have chosen somewhere that you want to go as well, but I can see why he's upset. He was probably wanting the trip to be just the two of you, so you could spend some quality time together without the kids (ie with him). I think its essential for parents to spend decent child free time together, if they are to continue to be a happy couple, as well as mum and dad.

Where would YOU want to go? Not because of proximity of children (I do personally think you are being a bit over anxious there), but where would you like to go and explore with your husband?

Original poster

Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 15:50

Thanks for the comments. I knew it couldn't just be me who feels like this. It's not that I wouldn't like to go to New York, who wouldn't, it's just that I struggle with leaving the kids. My mum would love to go and when I came upon DH looking up flights to New York a while back we did discuss the possibility of us all going and taking my mum, but now my dad is significantly worse and she couldn't leave him to go. I just feel DH is cross with me for denying him a trip by being irrationally unwilling to leave the kids, but the thought of it really makes me anxious. However, I have neither the time nor the money for counselling for something that I don't feel is impacting that much on my life. Or perhaps I should consider myself selfish because it's impacting on DH's life...

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 20/09/2016 15:53

I do and have left my kids who are round about the same age, a year older but I'm really comfortable doing it and I want to do it and that's the big difference. It doesn't matter where it's a trip to if its not what you'd like to do for your birthday then it's not a bloody present for you.

I hate spas, massage, people touching me. I can't think of anything I'd like to do less, apart from skiing or some other activity type holiday. My husband wouldn't book that kind of holiday for me because he knows I don't want or like it.

diddl · 20/09/2016 15:55

But you can go in the future perhaps with the kids if they are old enough, or just the two of you.

It doesn't work for you right now.

That doesn't mean no, never.

We are currently thinking of going & I really can't work up any enthusiasm for it.

Thinking of husband & teens going & me staying to look after the dog & cat!

Puremince · 20/09/2016 15:55

DH travelled a lot, but he knew I wouldn't go further than northern / middle Europe until the kids were in their teens.

There's lots of great places to go that are much nearer than New York!

badg3r · 20/09/2016 16:01

Hmm, at first I thought you WB a bit U but given that he's leaving your kids with your mum who is already caring for two people so that you can go on a trip that predominantly he is interested in doing, then I don't think YABVU! I know it's your birthday but it's a big ask to leave one person in charge of five so that you can both go away and do something that if circumstances were different she would also love to do.

How about suggesting a place in Europe that you would like to go to, then you are going away with DH, and if he is still in a strop then it is clear that it's more because he wants to go to NY than because he would like to have some time away the two of you to celebrate your birthday.

Original poster

Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 16:06

I do like to visit new places and somewhere like New York would be much more fun without children. There's probably more to it than appears on the surface (maybe I should get counselling and find out!). It's not that I think I'll miss the kids, goodness knows I could do with some time out from them, having been at home with kids for the last ten years. I think there's some element of guilt and also an element of annoyance that DH is probably cross with me for denying him a holiday when it feels like he's hardly ever here with me and the kids anyway (although all his travelling is work-related). But it's not that I want to go away with anyone else and leave him looking after the kids as some friends who are also turning 40 talked about going away and that thought brought me out in a sweat too...

OP posts:

kurlique · 20/09/2016 16:07

Nah I wouldn't want to go away like that either... Quite happy for my DCs to go abroad without me but no interest in putting an ocean between me and my home and them, I do go away without any of them (DH included) but for a reason, being it work or meeting friends, but not abroad. I could say it was because I don't want to risk orphaning them, my PILs used to travel overseas on separate flights for that reason!, but it isn't that; I just prefer sharing new experiences with the DCs. I don't fancy going to America anyway (then we are a Disneyphobic family... Yeah really!!...) I'm a bit weird about travel destinations & not a lover of cities, never even been to Paris!)

YANBU he is trying to give you the present that everyone is supposed to want rather than what you want.

Original poster

Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 16:13

LOL kurlique at Disneyphobic family! Us too. We went to Paris last summer, all of us, with extended family too and went to Eurodisney because my sister was taking her kids and our kids would have been upset if they hadn't gone. I don't think any of us particularly enjoyed the experience in the end. We are done with Disney...

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 20/09/2016 16:18

i think the issue is that this is a trip away for him, and not something you're keen to do - if you were, you'd be happier about going. It's pretty fucking obtuse of someone who gaily takes work trips with the luxury of having a co-parent working from home who can be assumed to do all childcare in his absence to castigate the parent who doesn't travel for work, seldom leaves the children, and who is therefore understandably less casual about crossing the Atlantic for a week for a birthday 'treat' she doesn't particularly want

This .

Batteriesallgone · 20/09/2016 16:19

I was going to say I wonder how much of your 'travelling anxiety' is actually 'shitty DH anxiety' but because you don't want to admit to yourself he's being selfish, and you don't want a fight, you're saying the problem is with you.

This doesn't sound like a present for you.

GoblinLittleOwl · 20/09/2016 16:35

I think you have a problem about leaving your home, not your children, as you are not concerned about them going away independently of you. You also work from home.

I have a friend like you; she won't go away except to places of her own choosing and only with her husband; she even gave up university as a teenager and returned home.

Having deep-seated anxieties is one thing; trying to find reasons to blame your husband for planning a birthday treat for you is another.
Confront your problem and seek advice.

MammouthTask · 20/09/2016 16:41

I have an issue with the idea that you are 'denyin him a trip to NY' when this was supposed to be a treat for YOU (not him!).

If you are getting counselling ,get to try and understand why you are feeling that you should always go at the bottom of the pile and feel guilty for saying NO to a gift from your DH that isn't a gift for you but a gift for himself.
All the vocabulary you are using (feeling guilty, denying him this trip, being selfish for the impact it has on DH life etc...) is you puting yourself down right at the bottom of the pile and giving your DH much more importance than you give to yourself.
Why is that?
I suspect your dcs also always come first so I'm wondering who is looking out for you and when your needs are (if ever) taken into considerations too.

MammouthTask · 20/09/2016 16:44

Goblin this was supposed to be her b'day present though. Who is giving someone something they know they will NOT enjoy? And just because they happen to enjoy it and will able to have some use for it?

It's like giving someone a car when they don't have a driving licence knowing you would be able to use said car and then berating the owner for not passing their driving test so they can use it (even though they have been living wo said car for years and are happy wo it)

Love51 · 20/09/2016 16:48

I haven't, and wouldn't yet, leave my kids for more than one overnight. For me it is partly about not wanting to put our responsibilities onto someone else, although I was really late leaving them at all. They are 3 and almost 5. Luckily DH feels similarly to me.

I'm not sure how you got from 'let's go on holiday' 'nah I don't want to leave the kids' to not speaking. What was his immediate reaction?

The80sweregreat · 20/09/2016 16:58

i'm like bythebeach, your either the sort of parent who can easily do this ( and I am sure they will be fine with your mum) or your not. I had to leave a 4 and 9 year old for one night once with my parents and I hated it - couldn't wait to get back. they are much older now and I still hate leaving them - but I am a born worrier. I do feel your pain - not sure what to suggest as it sounds as if your dh is all for this, although asking your mum when she already has 2 others to care for is also a lot. maybe speak to your mum about it and your worries with her? good luck with what ever you decide.

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