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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that DH doesn't understand my separation anxiety

88 replies

Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 14:09

DH and I are currently not talking because he is cross with me because my first reaction to his suggesting we go away for my 40th birthday was panic at the thought of leaving the kids, rather than being delighted with his kind and thoughtful suggestion. He wants us to go to New York in March and has even spoken to my mum about having the kids. I know I was supposed to be pleased but he just doesn't get how much the idea of leaving the kids (aged 10, 7 and 3) to go so far away makes me really, really anxious. And I know I'm being irrational. It's not like we never leave them with anyone else and we have once before gone off abroad for a couple of days without kids and I realize that the distance we go or the time we are gone has no bearing on the likelihood of something happening to them or us when we're not there. But I just can't help it. He doesn't get it at all because his default setting is absence, given that he's at work all day every day and is sometimes away for a few weeks at a time. Since the kids were born he's done quite a bit of travelling, to the Middle East, Japan and loads of places in Europe. I know that left to my own devices as I wouldn't go anywhere as I find it too stressful (I work from home, so this is my default setting) but he takes personal offence at this and says it upsets him that I don't want to go away with him.

OP posts:
Leopard12 · 20/09/2016 19:31

My mum and dad would of never left me alone with grandparents for any length of time and we werent very close to either so I'm probably more biased bc of that but I wouldn't leave my dc with anyone for a length of time that young even if they didn't have other care responsibilities, a night maybe two but not for a week on the other side of the world!

Batteriesallgone · 20/09/2016 19:41

Regardless of the travel anxiety it's OPs birthday not the DHs. My fear of spiders is irrational but if DH decides he loves them and booked an arachnid experience for my birthday I would not be considering counselling for my irrational anxiety...I would be pissed that he was so selfish and thoughtless.

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/09/2016 20:19

Yeah, and the rest of us who don't mind being separated from our children don't think this; we can only bear it because our children are worthless to us.

What a breath-takingly obtuse comment.

And that's a breathtakingly defensive one - why would you take that so personally?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 20:36

Theonlyliving I never commented on any other children or insinuated they were any less precious to their parents. I find your comment extremely strange - and obtuse.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/09/2016 20:46

Somewhat disingenuous to say that you never insinuated other children were any less precious to their parents: by saying that you would never leave your DD - she's very precious, there is definitely an implied condemnation of parents who do choose to leave their children. And it was not just me who read your comment that way:

LittleDittyAbout Tue 20-Sep-16 14:59:24
Lol at precious. The rest of our kids are little shits so we don't mind going away.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/09/2016 20:48

Satsuki - I didn't take it personally, as the use of the first person plural rather than singular in my post should tell you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 20:50

Thanks Satsuki. I posted before reading the rest of the thread because I was so shocked that what I said about my child could in anyway be offensive.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 20:54

Well I'm sorry you read it this way. The reason she is very precious is because I had a very hard time to have her and have been left chronically ill because of the treatment. It had nothing to do with judging others. People do as they choose and it's not for me to condemn them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 20:57

Oh yes, and Littleditty. Sorry you read it that way too.

I really had no idea such an innocent comment could be so misread.

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/09/2016 21:40

Sorry, I assumed you were included in the first person plural. To take personally is such a well known idiom I thought my use of it would be clear, unless someone was being deliberately "obtuse" of course, let me put it another way:

I didn't see what there was to take umbrage at - which you clearly did, whether on your own behalf or that of others - in what mummyoflittledragon wrote. It seemed to be your comment inferred rather a lot from her use of one particular word to describe her own daughter.

Original poster
Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 21:49

Tried to talk to DH about how I feel about this earlier. I was recalling the original conversation earlier and realized that he actually opened it with 'Sooo...', which is how he always prefaces something that he knows I'll have a negative reaction to (like when he invited a colleague of his to stay with us for ten days without asking me, which he knew would annoy me, but it's my fault for being anti-social apparently). He denies this and says he is offended by my reaction when he was trying to do something nice. He says he's had enough of me being negative about everything and is currently sulking in the bedroom with the door firmly closed. Perhaps what I need is relationship counsellingSad.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/09/2016 21:54

Does he react like this often? He sounds rather overbearing and a bit of a drama queen.

Original poster
Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 22:39

Yes, he can be.

OP posts:
sentia · 20/09/2016 22:44

It's your 40th. He needs to stop trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail you into doing something that he wants to do. It's irrelevant why you don't want to go, the point is that it's your birthday so the main point is to do something that makes you happy.

SatsukiKusakabe · 20/09/2016 23:07

He is acting really selfishly. He is the one turning what should be a celebration for you into something negative. And sulking!

Original poster
Manoodledo · 20/09/2016 23:28

I don't think it's about my birthday any more, if it ever was.

OP posts:
WalkingBlind · 20/09/2016 23:35

I couldn't go away so far away, because if something terrible happened it would take too long to get back. And the thought makes me not want to go anywhere at all Confused

Sounds like he's just angry because he wants to go or because he's thought you would be overjoyed. YANBU and he's being selfish.

badg3r · 20/09/2016 23:49

Ah. Yes sorry OP, I think you have your answer there, it's not really about your birthday it's about him wanting to go to New York. He doesn't sound very supportive at all. What are his redeeming qualities?

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 21/09/2016 00:12

I was going to post about the time my XH tried to talk me into leaving 9 month old twins with, well, anyone who would take them, so I could join him on a corporate cruise for two to Italy that he'd won.

But your latest post has changed things. I think you need to have a good hard think about what you would really like to do to celebrate this landmark birthday, thenn have a chat with your DH about why he thinks you're always negative when really you'd be over the moon if he'd planned instead.

It sound as if his dream break is your nightmare, and if he accused you of constant negativity then perhaps you have drifted apart in your ideas of a good time and that is something you should address, together. He needs to know that it's your birthday and that it should be something that makes you happy, not sad. But you need to talk. Tell him to stop sulking like a baby and come out and discuss it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2016 04:45

The "being negative about everything" is an attempt to make you comply. I also think it's a good idea to tell him what you'd like to do.

Do you generally have ideas of what you want to do for holidays and such or does he decide and you just go with the flow either because it's easier or to avoid confrontation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2016 05:01

Sulking because he didn't get what he wants for your 40th. I bet you can barely resist him now. Wanker.

Ditsy4 · 21/09/2016 05:32

I haven't read all posts but understand where you are coming from in original post.
I only went away abroad once without our children. We won a holiday and my friend looked after 3 & 4 while keeping an eye on 1& 2 who were old enough to stay on their own. I burst into tears on the plane and nearly got off! I couldn't bear to be that far away. I still find it difficult to go on long haul flights and the are all adults now.
Could you have a short holiday here for your birthday? I can recommend somewhere in the Lakes. Very pretty in March with the daffodils out. Lovely views, good fires, walking, pottering about villages and towns, wrap up and go on the Lake. Not so far away from the children.

MudCity · 21/09/2016 06:08

Having spent years working from home in the past I found that the more I stayed at home, the less I wanted to go out...anywhere. Just observe this because you may find yourself avoiding other opportunities and, before you know it, your life gets narrower and narrower.

minifingerz · 21/09/2016 06:45

My immediate response to DH telling me he'd booked a romantic holiday for us in Paris for my 40th was 'can I take dc3?' who was one. Imagine the fun we'd have had Hmm. DH was tolerant and kind rather than annoyed though, and that gave me the strength to rethink. Ended up going without dc, and it was fine.

MammouthTask · 21/09/2016 10:16

Unfortunately, I think you are right. This isn't about your b'day and in some ways, never has been.
It's about the fact that you are waking up to his attitude towards you (see what he did with the colleague for example) and has no issue blaming it all onto you if you don't agree with his 'ideas'.

I would say counselling for you first and then (or at the same time?) counselling for you as a couple.

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