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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can this be forced on me?

90 replies

gardenangels · 18/09/2016 08:48

STBXH suddenly wants 50/50. He is going to drag out financials over 2 years deliberately until children all left home. This means due to my age I will only have a few years to get a mortgage.

I want to move on now and myself and children don't want to continue living in the marital home. I cant afford to live in it or maintain it. We need a fresh start. Can we all move out into rented?

He lives with OW who has a house equity and an income.

OP posts:
WalkingBlind · 18/09/2016 09:38

Do you have any evidence of him saying he will drag it out for years intentionally? Like a text or email, or was it verbal?

I would assume he can't do that, how long do financials usually take? My divorce went through at the speed of light because we didn't own a property together and both decided to just keep our own things not doing financials at all.

If he left for the OW and left you to pay for a home you can't afford, then doesn't even bother with the kids I think YANBU to not want to split 50/50

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:40

That is why I am trapped in family home until youngest reaches 18 as cannot move on with 50/50.

So I will have no quality of life until then as I have all the financial and child caring burden. Meanwhile my chances of getting a mortgage reduce with every year I am trapped here

OP posts:
BewtySkoolDropowt · 18/09/2016 09:42

I have all the financial and child caring burden.

Really?

I left. I had the all the financial and child caring responsibility, but in no way was it a burden. It was a blessing.

I guess everyone sees things differently, but if looking after your children is a burden, maybe you should consider asking him to take more reponsibility.

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:42

I think financials can take 2-3 years if someone wants to abuse the system for their own ends.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 18/09/2016 09:42

How old are the children?

It doesn't matter what OW has.

FathomsDeep · 18/09/2016 09:44

I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you would not be able to house the children with a 50/50 split. You would have to downsize obviously and change area if you live somewhere expensive but is there really nothing you could afford at all? Your children sound like they are older teenagers who would be capable of getting a bus to school/college if you had to move somewhere cheaper.

Is your solicitor the one saying 'no judge would agree to that'? If so, I would be very wary. No solicitor can know what a judge will do. During my divorce I was told that it was unlikely a judge would do so and so but it was impossible to know for sure so there was always an element of risk.

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:45

Solicitor is good and she said it does matter and he has to disclose her income and equity on court form. They have lived together for years.

There are 3 children one at uni and two under 18. Youngest will be 18 in two years.

OP posts:
PhilomenaFlump · 18/09/2016 09:47

50/50 is surely the split in capital not taking into consideration spousal maintenance and child maintenance. I doubt you'll do better than 50/50 with teenagers but if he earns considerably more than you the maintenance payments should help keep you afloat. Have you put a claim through CMS?

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:47

We would have to move about 25 miles away from their schools as I am not a high earner so could not get a large mortgage

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 18/09/2016 09:48

What a bastard! I hope you do get more than 50/50. Have you got a good solicitor?
Have you looked at the Gingerbread website? They have a lot of support/info for single parents although I don't know if it covers this

coconutpie · 18/09/2016 09:49

Is he paying maintenance to you?

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:50

Solicitor is very good and I trust her. Problem is that I am ground down financially while he has enough income to have a good life.

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 18/09/2016 09:51

If you are in England then the OWs wealth is not relevant at all and if your solicitor is really implying that it is then I am sorry to tell you that you are in for a world of hurt.

I have occasionally seen this kind of rubbish advice (both due to incompetence and to drag it out for more fees) - it drags things out as the other parties solicitor will simply push back on the ludicrous demands. Ultimately it will cost (you both) a fuck tonne more if it gets dragged out all the way to a judgement.

Find out how much your legal bills will be if it goes all the way to court (can often be £20k+) then work out whether a smaller percentage would actually give you more once legal fees and another two years have been taken into consideration.

KungFuPandaWorksOut · 18/09/2016 09:51

I didn't think judges taken into account your STBXH other woman's finances as they're not married Confused
Just because she has a house, doesn't mean he's now got a part in the house, they're not married.
Just be careful you haven't got a lawyer who is making you drag all this out with false hopes of you getting like 90/10 because it will cost you more in the long run and high chances are you aren't going to get that much more than him.

Gmbk · 18/09/2016 09:52

Tbh 5050 sounds fair. Why should he keep supporting you. If you have to move out and rent for the rest of your life it's not that big a deal. Once your kids have left you'll need a smaller place anyway.

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:52

Only child support but that will reduce/end when kids go to uni and he won't pay towards that.

OP posts:
MiamiBound · 18/09/2016 09:53

"I left. I had the all the financial and child caring responsibility, but in no way was it a burden. It was a blessing."

Yeah - thats really helpful - sure the financials side is a bundle of laughs for most single parents!

financials can take longer than a couple of years, my parents divorce took 17 years to finalise as my 'd'f strung it out as long as he could - things might be different now

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:54

I am not asking for support just ability to move out of marital home and place a roof over children's heads.

OP posts:
Careforadrink · 18/09/2016 09:54

I don't understand why people are saying it's going to be 50/50. If it was a long marriage and you sacrificed a career and you will as a result be in a more difficult position going forward then you will get recompense for that.

My friends received in the region of 70/30 and also spousal maintenance on top.

VladmirsPoutine · 18/09/2016 09:56

Who is currently residing in the house?

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:57

Myself and children.

OP posts:
summercoldssuck · 18/09/2016 09:57

In short yes it can be forced upon you by the courts.

Depending on the age of your kids - you say leaving home in next 2 years so guessing older teens - then housing them beyond that time will not be a consideration. They will expect you to downsize and move to a more affordable area of needed.

My dp's exw was the one who cheated and moved in with on. She was adequately housed as you say your exh is. She still went for 75-80% of everything. The courts ruled at 55/45 in her favour. If 50/50 v 60/40 or even 55/45 is not a huge amount of cash difference then you might be better taking it. You say you can't afford legal fees and court - well anything over the 50% is likely to be taken up in legal fees and potentially more so you could find yourself worse off

FathomsDeep · 18/09/2016 09:58

Is he married to the OW? If not, then how can her income possibly be relavant? If she kicked him out tomorrow, he would have no claim at all on her finances. Her income is not relavant and I cannot believe a good solicitor would tell you it is.

What I think would do in your shoes is accept a 50/50 split. If you go to court it will cost you a bomb is costs. I would use the lions share of it to buy a small property 25 miles away that I would then rent out. Meanwhile, I would rent a property for myself and the children in the area where they currently attend school. Then, once the youngest is at uni in 2 years time, I would give the tenants notice and move myself to the smaller property.

Original poster
gardenangels · 18/09/2016 09:59

I have not even dare think of what will happen when children at university with nowhere to spend holidays

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 18/09/2016 10:01

So he's been paying for years for you to live there and now you want to move out but you don't want to take 50% well I guess that choice is yours. Sounds like you don't need a big place anyway as your DC are grown up so why are you putting yourself through this? If it was me I'd take the 50% and have done but then again I would have done this the minute he moved in with OW not let it go on for years.
I'm a bit confused by the running costs being too high yet you've enough money to rent a house in an expensive area. I'd either sit tight and rent, why buy? Your near retirement, DC moving out etc the world is your oyster I wouldn't want to be tied to a mortgage.