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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still do my daughter's hair at 13?

25 replies

Webb111 · 18/09/2016 01:09

My daughter is 13. She was born with Meromelia.

I have always put her hair in a ponytail, or helped her braid it, etc.

Her friends are very understanding and will even help her if they're having a slumber party, etc.

My husband seems to think it's time for her to do it herself, I think he has a bit of a cheek. He has never had to do hair, so has no idea that a ponytail wouldn't go well without 2 hands. He claims that she can't phone me when she's an adult and living on her own, etc.

It's beginning to wind me up and upset her.

I know a lot of people on here think many people like to wrap their child in cotton wool, but this isn't a case of that, it's just helping her do something that she isn't able to do.

Sigh. Sorry for this rant.

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 18/09/2016 01:18

In a way he is right. Eventually she will be living independently, and she won't be able to call on you to do her hair. There are ways she will be able to do this alone, including using certain hairbands to be able to do this. She just has to experiment and find ways that are comfortable for her.
There are lots of youtube videos, and of course advice from the OT.

StellaX · 18/09/2016 01:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I'd do the same. She's at the age where your appearance means everything to you. No matter how many videos she watches, she probably will prefer the way it looks when you do it. There is no harm. When she's older, she probably won't be as obsessed with the way she looks (like most teens are)

kali110 · 18/09/2016 01:37

Alrhough she will need to learn i don't think yabu.
I have a disability ( invisible) and i do sometimes need help from my dh even though i'm an adult.
last year when i was out of work my mother helped me with a lot also.
Cooking, getting dessed etc, and my hair on occasion!
Alrhough now i'm doing better, back at work and have moved house, if i needed help she would in a heartbeat.
She's your daughter.
She's 13, at high school, that's tough enough!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 18/09/2016 01:37

I would probably be like you. My dd has SEN and I may seem peculiarly involved to people who don't get it.
However you do need to start moving towards independence in tiny steps and exploring alternatives whilst she has a safety net might be a good idea. Withdrawing help completely isn't always a solution.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/09/2016 01:39

I actually don't think either of you are wrong.

She will have to learn to do it herself but I can understand why you are doing it though.

DaviesMum · 18/09/2016 01:43

YANBU, you only have her interests at heart and it does your DD no harm. She's lucky to have well adjusted, kind friends to help her out too.

Rumpelstiltskin143 · 18/09/2016 02:32

There are some videos on YouTube in his to do a one handed ponytail and a device you can get here. www.one-handedponytail.com.

Maybe you can look at the videos with her and take some slow, small steps along the road to independence with her.

Waterstick · 18/09/2016 12:12

Yeah, I don't think you're being unreasonable either

TheLastHeatwave · 18/09/2016 12:17

Of course YANBU. It's just her hair FGS. You're helping her with it because she wants a pony tail, other teenage styles. Sure if you can find a way to help her do it herself great. But it's not a big deal, it's not like dressing or eating.

When she's living independently she'll either find a way of doing it or wear her hair in a different style. Tell your DH to wind his neck in.

RhiWrites · 18/09/2016 12:29

I don't get it. I can put a ponytail up or braid my hair without help. Those don't sound like complicated styles at all. Am I missing something?

RhiWrites · 18/09/2016 12:30

Sorry ignore my post. I missed the first line.

carefreeeee · 18/09/2016 12:42

Just carry on for now - she's only 13 - she's probably got another 5 years of living with you so there's no rush for her to manage on her own.

At some point she'll probably work out a way of managing but there's years left for that.

At 13 most kids are still having their meals cooked, homes cleaned and bills paid...they won't have parents to do these either once they are adults - why is the hair thing any different really?

KateSpade · 18/09/2016 12:59

my mum still does my hair at 27, (French plaits, up do's ect)

I wouldn't worry about it, it's lovely how supportive you are!

Good luck op!

MrsJen3 · 18/09/2016 13:08

My DD is 12 and I still do her hair for her just because she has really thick hair and it gets matted underneath if I leave her to it. If DH had anything to say about it I'd tell him to shut up.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 18/09/2016 13:13

OP, I have mild hemiparesis (one sided version of cerebral palsy). I struggled to do my hair for a long time as I was essentially one handed. What helped was using a mirror that allowed me to see the back of my head.

Googling Youtube will come up with a number of people demonstrating one handed hairstyles.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 18/09/2016 13:16

I assumed your daughter had functional use of one hand. Reading over your OP again, you don't say that.

YANBU. When she has to live independently, she'll work out a hairstyle that suits. In the meantime, you're doing a nice thing to facilitate the hairstyle she wants right now.

VioletBam · 18/09/2016 13:16

If she's not ready to learn yet, then leave things as they are. I see his worry but as he's not the one DOING it, he needn't fuss. Just let him know that of course she won't be calling on you when she is an adult, but that's some time away as of yet!

She has at least 5 years with you I should imagine before uni or whatever....and she might not go to Uni! She might go to college or work and live with you!

Why shouldn't she have help if she's not wanting to learn yet?

I don't do my DDs hair and she's twelve but if she wanted me to, then I would! I can see my younger DD asking me for help for some time yet...and probably still at 13 because she's like that....and I will help her too!

madein1995 · 18/09/2016 13:23

Yanbu. Provided she wants you to there's nothing wrong with it, she will probably grow out of it and as long as she can fix a quick pony for times you're not there it is fine. My mum did mine until I was 15, I Am perfectly capable of doing it myself now. I don't think you should stop completely, but help her learn How To do simple styles. At that age image is so important, and no matter how good I could do it mum could do it better - and at that age going to school required perfect hair, perfect make up etcb

CancellyMcChequeface · 18/09/2016 13:38

YANBU. If she still wants you to help, then it's right for you to help. When she's older, she'll naturally want more independence and you can help her find ways of adapting hairstyles/accessories so that she can do it on her own. 13 is too young to worry about it.

I have a disability and kept my hair short through my early teen years so that I didn't have this problem - I still remember the complete embarrassment of having to ask other girls to put on my (required) swimming cap for me for school swimming, though. An attitude that everyone should be able to do the same things at the same age regardless of their physical needs isn't the same as encouraging independence, and if I were you I'd have a talk with your husband about how he sees your daughter and her abilities.

As an adult I still need to ask for help with certain tasks, but because I'm not embarrassed about not being able to do them (my disability isn't my fault!) it's much easier for me.

I have limited use of one of my hands, and still can't braid hair, but found that after ponytails the easiest hairstyle for me to do myself was a sock bun - aside from the initial ponytail, this could probably be done with one hand!

Artandco · 18/09/2016 13:43

I think your both right

I think it's fine you help her now, but I do think she should be able to do her hair somehow also alone. Especially brushing it and making tidy.

Have you tried large clips? She could twist hair with one hand and clip up onto head probably easier than hair bands. Or wear hair down and use a thin headband to keep it out her eyes if needed

As an adult, I probably wear my hair down 95% of the time now anyway.

Dixiechickonhols · 18/09/2016 13:57

My dd is 10 born with 1 hand (missing left arm from her elbow) I do her long hair for school as it is quicker and neater. She can and does do her own hair into plait or ponytail at weekends or after school. She does it it her way self taught and practiced. Is she a member of reach (arm disability charity) - opportunities for her to meet others and see how they do things.

maddiemookins16mum · 18/09/2016 14:06

I sometimes do DD's hair (she's 12), as otherwise it looks a huge mess. She's going through this weird stage of being reluctant to shower, bath or do much else really unless I nag her!!! She used to be more than happy to get in the shower etc.

BackforGood · 18/09/2016 14:12

dd has just turned 15.
She doesn't have any disabilities.
Sometimes, if she wants a fancy braid or something I'll do that for her. I just thought I was being kind to someone who lives in my house, never realised I was stunting her development.

As your dd develops, she will no doubt begin to want to find a solution to being able to do 'ordinary daytime' hair for herself, but, lets be honest, who doesn't like having their hair done for them, if someone's offering ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2016 14:46

Whilst YANBU to help her do her hair in a ponytail or braids, your husband is NBU to point out that she needs to be able to deal with her hair without your help. Where do you see her being with this when she's 18 and going away to uni?

Also - does she want to wear her hair in a ponytail or braids? Most of the girls around here wear it long and loose. is this her hairstyle preference, or is it more about 1-to-1 time with her mum?

How is her independence with other manual tasks?

chicknquack · 18/09/2016 17:32

I don't think you are BU to often do her hair, but I think your DH is also not BU to say that she is old enough to learn to do it herself. It would give her some independence to be able to do it herself and not have to always rely on others (however kind and helpful and willing they are) and give her the message that she is capable.

What about you doing it when time is limited e.g. school days and have her practice doing it herself on weekends?

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