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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find it odd that my parents don't want to spend time with their grandchildren? Anyone else?

86 replies

windygallows · 16/09/2016 13:42

I have 2 DC, the youngest is 3 and we're about an hour away from my retired parents who live in London. Since my youngest was born my parents have come to visit once to see the newborn, but since then no interest. Every six months or so I drive down with the DC, plop them in front of parents for a few hours and then depart; my parents seem to be satisfied with this.

I'm baffled that it's been 3 years and there's been no real interest in spending time with DCs, especially the youngest. My parents barely know my children and I don't have a single pic of my youngest being pushed on a swing by grandma or grandpa etc.

Parents, by the way, are very active and my father still somewhat involved in work despite being mid-70s. They travel a lot and have an active social life so travel or energy isn't the issue. We get along fine, no falling out and no issue with where I live which might make them hesitant about visiting. I've invited them etc and never expect parents to do childcare etc, just a normal visit. They are happy to receive photos and find out how the DCs are doing (we talk every fortnight), just no interest in actually spending time with them.

I can only assume that they just don't like children that much although I've not asked since I probably don't want to hear the answer. Is this normal and have others experienced similar? Not much I can do, right?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 16/09/2016 16:28

I think it's tragic to have GPs so uninterested. There is a balance for sure. One set I know are FAR too involved but most strike a nice balance. I'm truly shocked at the pp who lives 12 minutes for her parents and has so little interest shown.

I see my DN and DN once a week as I have time and my ds are grown up. O adore spending time, quality time ( awful expression but you get the jist) with them. No baths, no washing or arguing over tidying up. That's how I hope being a GP will be and what a shame some are too self absorbed to be there.

I bet the same ones are bragging to all their friends about how proud they are of all the achievements their dgc have yet couldn't tell them what their favourite activity was.

Kewcumber · 16/09/2016 16:30

RawPrawn, my mum is her own person but she has DS two days a week after school and will babysit for him once a month (roughly). We occasionally go on holiday with her. She's nice and funny and smart and no-one loves DS or I more.

I'm so lucky that she wants to have DS and I in her life and I'll miss her presence terribly when she isn't around anymore.

Your sneering attitude does you no credit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2016 16:30

What do people want grandparents to do though? What are the expectations there? It seems to be mostly that parents would like grandparents to step in with childcare, not necessarily spending time with them.

I can imagine that some parents really don't want to do childcare because it does become a routine and then they're stuck with it - but would step in for doctors appointments and emergencies; that's the minimum, I would have thought, if they're able to do it.

MatildaTheCat · 16/09/2016 16:30

Baroness I read that to mean that OP does all the running and makes all the effort and even then the GPS can't be arsed to lift a finger or show a glimmer of interest.

Original poster

windygallows · 16/09/2016 16:31

Jeesh, so depressing to see others experiencing something similar.

Bibbity - to your question, I used to bring the DCs down more frequently but it was hard to arrange and expensive and I didn't feel the GPs were interested, so now it's more like Easter, Summer, Autumn, Christmas, so actually about 4x per year.

I think it's a combination of my parents legitimately not liking children (can't do much about that) and being fairly self absorbed, which they are.

I've been single for the last 2 1/2 years raising DC alone and working FT and particularly hurt that they've not tried to help in any way but that's pure sexism - they think i'll be okay because raising children and looking after a home is women's work and therefore should be a doddle since I'm built for it. sigh.

OP posts:

brasty · 16/09/2016 16:32

My parents are doting GPs.
But I admit I see little of my DBs kids. Its hard when you feel your only role is to be a fan club for their kids and they show absolutely no interest in your life at all.

NuffSaidSam · 16/09/2016 16:34

I don't think there's anything you can do except hope it gets better when they get older. Some people just don't like children it seems!

I think it's really sad for the DC though. Involved and loving grandparents are such a wonderful addition to a child's life.

What are they like generally OP? Where they interested and involved parents?

Kewcumber · 16/09/2016 16:34

fluffiphlox I think how you feel about great nieces and nephews is really very different to how you feel about your own children/grandchildren and not generally comparable.

averythinline · 16/09/2016 16:36

my ds has a grandfather never seen (nc with that side of the family)- one set 45 mins away who talk the talk but have health issues /not interested enough to come over (we go to them for about an hour or so once a month and sit and have a cup of tea then they've had enough)
and other gps that live 3hrs away that are alcoholics.... much as i would love him to have that family feeling and other relatives that were interested in him just not going to happen...

In talking to other friends none of them have those sort of relationships whether through deaths/divorce and moving to different parts of the country for work... i do think that divorce and women working more as a norm and being independent has changed the 'received' family dynamic
most of my friends did not have kids until well in their 30s/40s

those whose parents haven't died have parents that are baby boomers so generally wealthier and more interested in doing their own stuff...

I'd like to be somewhere in between- I think I'd like to be more involved but if the age of ds having children (if ever) is the same as mine/dh i'll be well over 70 so may not be up to much...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2016 16:37

brasty, I don't really understand that. Your parents are doting grandparents. You don't see much of your brother's children - your nephews/nieces. It's as if you expect your parents to be doting - but you and your brother not so much, it's down to your parents to do it all. Close family is close family. Do you live far away from your brother?

Kewcumber · 16/09/2016 16:37

Oh lordy you're single - me too. My mum was a life saver - she did help because she wanted to help me not because she had a giant urge to change nappies again. I'm sorry but you can't really change that excpet possibly have a chat with them about it.

The upside for my mum is now that DS is nearly 11 they have a close relationship, she takes him off to the football once a month and they yell at the ref together, the 77 year old and the 10 year old

brasty · 16/09/2016 16:38

Some people with health problems get very tired quickly, and an hours visit will leave them tired and be more than enough.

Original poster

windygallows · 16/09/2016 16:39

Nuffsaid - My father is a workaholic. I didn't live with him (it's my Father and StepMother I'm referring to, but I call her Mom) and didn't see him much as a child. I just don't think he knows what to do with children.

I don't want them to do childcare, but they don't even like to play or spend time with them, take them out or do anything dedicated with them and as such have no sense of their personalities, development, likes or dislikes. In that way I think their polite interest in the DCs is a bit fake since they're not very interested in them as people or people-in-development!

At their house the DCs sit there while my father watches the news. Rubbish but if I pull them up for it, I can't imagine anything changing so no point asking!

OP posts:

woopywoo · 16/09/2016 16:39

Well I suppose they could say the same about you when you're ancient and incontinent Fluff...

Memoires · 16/09/2016 16:40

Perhaps they're not 'baby people', and feel they had enough of it the first time, and it's your turn now. I think 3yo is just approaching an age where they might become interesting, so maybe your parents will enjoy your children when they're a bit older.

Sosidges · 16/09/2016 16:41

I know many GPs like this. They have the attitude that they raised their children, done their bit, and have no interest now the children are adults. It is sad for you but you will never change them.

DiegeticMuch · 16/09/2016 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

brasty · 16/09/2016 16:45

Self involved? Surely the eye is in the beholder. Some parents can be incredibly self involved and show no interest at all in the relatives they are actually expecting to bond with their children.

AmeliaJack · 16/09/2016 16:47

I don't think it's a pay off like that Diegetic families aren't meant to be transactional.

You want your parents to be interested in you and your life, and to love your children as an extension of their love for you not because you want babysitters.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 16/09/2016 16:47

My parents are a similar age and are really good with the older grandchildren who can communicate directly with them and are more independent. They do struggle with the three youngest. They can't seem to relate to children any more. We do see them a lot but it's me they see not my youngest. They take a polite interest in her because she's important to me but that's it.

MrsSecker · 16/09/2016 16:48

My PIL's are the same. Live three hours away, come to see our DS once a year and we go to them once or twice a year but we stay with DH's brother round the corner. Apart from that they never phone to ask how DGS is, missed his birthday, didn't ask how his first day at school went, have never bought him anything. When we see them it's all gushing over our DS but as soon as we leave they are back to not giving a fuck. Can't stand them

brasty · 16/09/2016 16:48

LyingWitch - I have stopped bothering with my DB. He and his wife are not interested in me or my DP outside of our relationship to their kids.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2016 16:51

Diegetic, that's horrible. I hope the 'old gits' ffs spend every penny they have on getting good care then.

It's about 'need', isn't it. Whoever needs the time/attention gets it. Or that's how it works in my family. My brother needs more childcare from my mum, I never need it. I don't begrudge him her time and attention and am happy to step in myself when I can.

Some parents just seem very entitled - one way, anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/09/2016 16:53

brasty... Oh that's sad. I wondered why. I guess that scuppers your relationship with his children too. No way around it. I told my brothers also that whatever relationships they have or children they have, I'm still their sister and they're my brothers so we should have a relationship together first of all.

neveradullmoment99 · 16/09/2016 16:55

I think it's a combination of my parents legitimately not liking children (can't do much about that) and being fairly self absorbed, which they are.

... and one day [much later than most by the sound of it] they will come to realise that it's family that imo is the most important thing Everything else is just a distraction.It may well change when they haven't got each other and by then, maybe their grandchildren will be disinterested in them.

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