to think my DN was cruel and to punish her?

[mendimoo]

I look after my niece and nephew everyday before and after school as their parents work long hours. Today is DNs 9th birthday. DN has just started in Reception and DN is year 4. My nephew has been great with not asking to help open presents (my niece always nags him to let her help him) and really kind in making her a card off his own back, asking to bake her a cake and picking her a gift from his own piggy bank.

My niece had a few gifts at my house this morning (from me and grandparents) that her parents had said it was okay for her to open before school. One of the presents was wrapped in Frozen wrapping paper. My niece detests Frozen and actually sneered when she saw the paper. My nephew LOVES Frozen. He asked if he could please have the wrapping paper so he could use it to make a picture. She snatched it up and screwed it into a ball then dropped it into the dogs water bowl

My nephew sobbed and went into school crying for the first time since starting, saying he doesn't understand why his sister is so mean to him. I spoke to her and told her how unkind she was but she shrugged and was unrepentant. I was going to take her out for cake and bowling after school but I feel like cancelling now. DP thinks it was normal sibling behaviour but I think she was cruel and shouldn't be allowed to continue to be like that (she has form.) Her parents are unreachable unless it's an emergency and I have permission to punish as I see fit. WIBU to cancel tonight?

[missyB1]

I would make it clear there's going to be no birthday treat unless there is a proper apology and a donation of birthday money towards a roll of frozen paper.
She's plenty old enough to know there are consequences for spiteful behaviour.

[JudyCoolibar]

I think I'd carry on with the birthday treat but get him the paper out of dessert money, and tell your niece that if there is any hint of spite or nastiness from her you will be going straight home and cancelling the rest of the treat.

[Lweji]

In your place not only I'd make her apologise, but go and buy the same wrapping paper and give it to him, but also make it very clear that I'd take her out (and him) for cake but she'd be returned home pronto if she displayed any of spiteful behaviour. I'd throw the bowling as a reward for extra nice behaviour.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

You sound as if you don't like her which I bet shows in how you speak to her.

If her parents take her away for a trip by herself that's nothing to do with you and your unfair comments. My Dh and I take dd2 out by herself and will continue to do that when dd3 finally arrives.

It's her birthday and you want to punish her over her bloody wrapping paper.

Sounds like the only one with self importance here is you.

Get of her back

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

They are taking her away for the weekend and leaving him behind?

Wow. No wonder she's so spoilt and cruel.

If it were me I'd not be treating her to anything special after school for her birthday. I'd take the view that it's her parents job to do that, not mine and I'd be buying some Frozen paper for her brother and giving it to him in front of her.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

I would make it clear there's going to be no birthday treat unless there is a proper apology and a donation of birthday money towards a roll of frozen paper

FFS! It was used wrapping paper get a grip! Kids do this shit all the time - they are not little robots.

[hoddtastic]

my middle child is almost 9, her sibling is just 6. She can be awful to him- really awful. I am not entirely sure that cancelling her birthday would do anything to improve sibling relationships.

I may be projecting here, but the second class child thing re your nephew seems to have been picked up by your comment about how she's self important and her parents encourage this- it seems you think your niece is a bit of a 'madam' and you aren't that keen on her so (maybe rightly so) but she's 9, and there are benefits to spending time with each kid on their own I think? I'd have adored some one on one time with my parents' (literally never ever happened) I make sure that we both spend time individually for all our kids and don't just lump the other along to parties/sports activities because they may be siblings but they are individuals.

I'd speak to her, tell her that it was very sad that she'd done that, and could she think of something she could do to make amends to her brother?

[rackhampearl]

I would punish her but there again I am very strict with my two. I don't mind bickering but I won't abide cruelty or spite to one another.

[mendimoo]

It's not punishing her over wrapping paper Nina. The incident is irrelevant. Purposely destroying something you don't want or need that would've given someone else pleasure, knowing it will cause great hurt and upset is plain spiteful and needs addressing.

[BurningBridges]

I think its great to have some time alone with each child, but they don't do that do they OP - they just take your niece away on her own and not the nephew - there's your problem, that's the reason why she is so spiteful, she is the favoured child with her parents.

Other than that, the suggestions about the paper/dessert money etc are really good and proportionate.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

Wow a nine year old child getting demonised by a group of random women .... over used wrapping paper.

Really strange crowd here during the day!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Your poor nephew - I am glad you are sticking up for him, OP - it doesn't sound like his parents do!

I think the idea of telling your niece that the money that would have been spent on dessert is going to go to buying him a roll of the wrapping paper, is a good one.

I'd also be planning some real treats for the time he's spending with you, whilst his sister is away with her parents - and I would be very tempted to tell them how unfair it is that he doesn't get alone time with them. They need to nip this in the bud immediately, otherwise it is going to cause him such pain in the future. I just hope that they can see how wrong their behaviour is.

[mendimoo]

I don't dislike her and I agree time alone with DC is important. But the fact that her brother never gets time alone with his parents or treats just for him because she'd kick off is not fair in my opinion.

[PurpleDaisies]

Wow a nine year old child getting demonised by a group of random women .... over used wrapping paper.

The issue is her behaving spitefully towards her younger brother and refusing to apologise or admit she's done anything wrong. That needs dealing with.

[mendimoo]

I'm taking my nephew and my DC away for the weekend after school as a surprise. But I know my niece will complain that she wasn't included despite the fact she was also doing something nice.

[StStrattersOfMN]

Don't be silly, nobody's demonising FFS. DN DD a spiteful and unnecessary thing, and needs to learn not to. It's a life lesson, treat others as you would be treated.

No wonder kids seem to get away with so much if this is considered demonising. It's not, it's about raising a child who is socially adept and able to understand the niceties of society.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Ninas - I don't want to demonise the child, and I hope I haven't. But her actions do need a consequence, and losing part of her treat so her brother gets the wrapping paper, seems a reasonable one.

I don't want to demonise the parents either, but it does sound as if they favour her over her brother (for fear of tantrums/her kicking off/getting upset) - and that is enabling and encouraging her bad behaviour. They need to see what they are doing, and understand the long-term ramifications if they carry on - but at the moment, they are failing both their children.

[StStrattersOfMN]

DN did.

[Lweji]

Some comments are laughable.

That you don't like her or that this was about wrapping paper. FFS.

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

mendimoo if it needs addressing then let her parents do it. Seems like your gagging to show her what's what. you can see your not keen on her so why don't you get her parents to arrange alternative child care for her?

These are two siblings doing sibling things. My brother and I used tindonaldorts to each other and yet as adults we still manage to live each other dearly - funny that isn't it.

It's not up to you to dole out punishments - especially on her birthday. Tell her parents if you think she needs to be punished

[mendimoo]

It's possible to not like someone's behaviour at times but to still like/love them you know

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

To do all sorts**

[Ninasimoneinthemorning]

At times?? It seems as if it's a bit of a issue. I'd do you both a favour and get alternative child care. You have not said anything positive about her in your posts it's all about your little favourite.

[mendimoo]

Nina I look after her five days per week, sometimes more. It's up to me to decide what's acceptable in my care and what example I want the other DC to witness.

[Lweji]

It's silly to delay punishments or dealing with behaviour in children.

The OP has authority. It happened today and it should ideally be dealt with at the time, not even later in the day, but it wasn't possible.
Definitely not tomorrow, and not by another adult. It should always be dealt with by the adult in charge.

I do that with my nephews and I expect my siblings or mother to deal appropriately with my DS when they need to. I can only reinforce and support their decision.