To ask which child gets the biggest bedroom?

[WinterIsHereJon]

We have finally managed to sell our two up-two down, hurray! Financial issues and then a long 18 months waiting for a buyer, but DCs 8 and 4 finally about to get their own room. DP can't agree on who gets the bigger room; second and third bedrooms in new house quite different in size. I think it should be the eldest DC, DP thinks the youngest as she still plays with toys more so requires more space? Just interested to know what others did. WIBU to toss a coin? DCs have no preference, just happy for peace from each other

My middle (d12) has the largest room with the en suite; because she's the favourite 🤓

Whoever needs it most. If it isn't clear who needs it most, swap every year or two.

We recently moved into a bigger house, exactly the same setup as the OP. Kids were 15 and 8. The teen and I discussed her needs and her sister's and then brainstormed options. (Didn't bother involving the younger one as her reasoning skills aren't great and anyway she's always happy to go along with whatever her beloved hero-worshipped sibling proposes.)

It turned out there were lots of options. After all, where a person sleeps doesn't have to be where she plays or where she keeps her stuff. The solution my teen eventually chose was that they would both sleep in the huge room and keep their clothes there. Dd2 would also keep toys there and have friends round to play there. The teen and I would use the tiny room as a shared study, and she would keep most of her other stuff there because that's where she uses it. Works brilliantly for our family.

"the amount of stuff they end up needing for secondary school is madness(we have 5DC) plus it won't be long before your oldest starts wanting to have friends round and as they get older they tend to spend more time in they're rooms with they're friends rather than the rest of the house and when they start wanting to have friends over for sleepovers the bigger room will be needed."

Everybody's different - it's just the opposite in our house! My teen usually meets her friends in town and is often out of the house, while little sis has playdates at home because she and her friends need supervision. The volume of stuff dd1 possesses has dropped massively now she doesn't play with toys much. It's just a few musical instruments, a computer, sports gear, art supplies and books. By contrast her little sister has Lego, stuffed toys and their accessories, a dressing up box, craft supplies, and oodles of miscellaneous toys.

Owlina eldest children are expected to be a good example to their younger siblings.

Saracen both of your girls sound lovely 💐

The eldest

"Owlina eldest children are expected to be a good example to their younger siblings."

This is terrible. It's really awful to assign roles to your children like this and then reinforce them with material rewards and disadvantages.

The way you treat children affects them for the rest of their life. the fact that they have a temporary condition of being young, younger, older, middle, whatever, within your family as children, should NOT become a template for their imagined "personality" that they can never escape till they die.

Yes there is a tendency for parents to unconsciously expect more of the oldest (who is behaving like a 6 year old when the little one is behaving like a 4 year old - but they won't be 6 for ever! the other one won't be 4 for ever!) but you don't just give in to this and force your poor pfb into the one that always gets responsibility! this idea that "if I don't manage it it won't be done" "I am the only one who can control anything" "if it goes wrong it's down to me" is just awful. and you enhance it by adding "after all, I have the status and trappings of a natural leader so I have no way of stepping down even for a moment"

Similarly you don't always expect the little one to be silly and irresponsible, because this is an entirely inappropriate self image for a person going out to secondary school, to university, or to work, or forming relationships - and it will stick. This person internalises that what they do or do not do is trivial and doesn't matter, no one cares about their opinion, their boundaries are irrelevant, they are not worthy of respect, and working for anything will be ultimate fruitless as there are others who just intrinsically deserve status nd power, not them.

honestly these things do stick.

there is not one single good argument on this thread for why it is correct to assume that the big room goes to the eldest, and any attempts to explain it are just examples of awful, damaging, stereotyping behaviour.

Please think about your children as people! not as units on your mental diagram of the structure of your family!

Wow, didn't expect that to get so heated!

I'm the eldest of 5. We moved house a lot; we usually swapped around who got which room but often we shared. DP also the eldest of 2 and had the smallest room. He seemed to prefer it.

I'm fascinated by all the pfb comments, younger child feeling squeezed out etc. My experience growing up was the opposite; my younger siblings could do no wrong whereas I always felt surplus to requirements. The dynamics between myself, my parents and siblings remain the same now.

I should have said that my eldest is a boy. Neither of the kids have seen the house yet so they may have a natural preference when they do. Smaller bedroom sits over a lock (house on canal side) whereas the larger room has no real view so ds may actually prefer the smaller room as he loves boats!

There was a thread about this a while back where lots of people were open to the idea that it should be more easily shared, kids should swap every couple of years and so on. So I'm surprised to see so many people just using the automatic 'eldest' response.

I'm another who doesn't understand eldest=biggest. I love Saracen's solution - great example of how well things can work out if people actually think about something rather than going for the default option.

We've got 4 kids and have been through many many combinations of children and bedrooms, according to what worked at the time. For much of that time, dh and I have NOT had the biggest bedroom as we really don't need that much space!

In the OP's situation, I'd consider having the smaller room myself, and then would offer the elder the smaller room and the younger the bigger one, because of the toys argument. With the plan of swapping in a few years' time so the teenager gets the bigger room to have friends round/do homework uninterrupted/hang out being teenagery. Then swap back when the elder moves out.

I put my eldest in the nicest room when he was a baby -it's a double but with sloping ceilings and quirky corners - because I liked the room. When his brother came along I offered the eldest the bigger double but he refused, he loves his room.

Now they are teens (and the youngest towers over his 6ft 1 brother) and both are still very happy in the same rooms they have always had.

Why the eldest? what responsibiities? What rubbish.

We see examples all the time of more responsibilities being given to the eldest. Remember the swimming pool thread where almost everyone (not me) said that the eldest should keep her younger sister company in the pool because that was part of family life.

Oldest also is responsible for walking younger ones to school, baby sitting, sometimes making a meal (that was a thread last month).

And oldest gives privileges late because the parents are still learning while youngest gets them at the same time.

My 3 have all taken turns in each room, depending on their needs.

DD (youngest) started in the smallest room when she was in a cot, then had the biggest room when she had more big toys and got bunk beds for when the SDDs came to stay .

Then DS2 had the biggest room as he got a drum kit, then DS1 inherited the drums and the big room, then he got rid of the drums and bought himself a double bed, so now he thinks that room is his forever as his bed won't fit in the other rooms!

Would be so much easier if houses could be built with equal sized rooms!

Dsd got the biggest room in our old house as at the time she was the youngest and most unsettled by a split household. Dss, then 15 was there more but sucked up sofa sleeping and then basement "room" because he understood and dd slept in with us til age 2. In new house, where we have a room each but of vastly different sizes, dss got first choice as living with us full time and generally had more social needs for room, dd needed to be upstairs with us so had bigger of 2 singles so dsd got the tiny single downstairs with ensuite (made to sound cooler than is as it's also accessible for everyone else). With dss going to uni, dsd expected to move into his room but we felt that unfair as only currently with us at weekend (although year round), dss is home every holiday, often with gf and dd here all the time with all the toys. Horrible decision to make and still feel awful as I love all of them dearly and we try to always make sure they are treated as equally as possible. Our brainwave was to move into the smallest bedroom ourselves which will be a lovely little sanctuary with a bed and not much else. Dd gets our room and dsd can then use dss room when not here. He has offered his room permanently so they may well swap. I think it's important kids see you try to be fair even if there isn't a perfect solution as they don't resent each other enough to be able to work it out themselves!

Sorry for essay! In a nutshell, I'd talk to them about it!

My eldest is in the smaller room until we move due to the high sleeper we have in there. Youngest was too little to go in that bed plus a high sleeper allowed for desk, storage and hiding den

As they're only 8 and 4 I'd have them share one room to sleep in and have the other as a play room with their toys in. you can look at who needs what space for secondary school once you've been in the house for a couple of years and get a better idea of the space you have. It might be that school work ends up being done in a different room because that's where they've gravitated to in Yr 5 and 6, for example.

It took my DM three years to allow me to use DB1 large room after he left home. With the condition I had to vacate when he visited.
Is there space downstairs for the child with the smallest room. DS1 has use of dining room (second living room) when he needs it as his room consists of bed and wardrobe. Whilst high sleepers are unsuitable for small children it was not an option for a 6 ft 3 weighing 12 stone 12 year old either.

Eldest should, it's a right of passage!