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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask which child gets the biggest bedroom?

94 replies

WinterIsHereJon · 14/09/2016 22:42

We have finally managed to sell our two up-two down, hurray! Financial issues and then a long 18 months waiting for a buyer, but DCs 8 and 4 finally about to get their own room. DP can't agree on who gets the bigger room; second and third bedrooms in new house quite different in size. I think it should be the eldest DC, DP thinks the youngest as she still plays with toys more so requires more space? Just interested to know what others did. WIBU to toss a coin? DCs have no preference, just happy for peace from each other Grin

OP posts:
gabsdot · 14/09/2016 23:05

I have a boy and a girl, the girl has the big bedroom because she has more stuff and plays in her room a lot, she's 9. Ds is 12 and has very few toys anymore. So he needs less space. I think girls need more space.

wayway13 · 14/09/2016 23:05

Eldest gets the bigger room if they want it and I'm saying that as a second-born child.

RunnyRattata · 14/09/2016 23:06

Neutral decor and swap on a set date each year unless there is a definite reason that 1 needs more space than the other.
In time, they'll decide between themselves who has which room when they cba to swap.

LumpyMcBentface · 14/09/2016 23:08

When we moved to this house (4 doubles) we automatically assigned the rooms in age order from oldest/largest down.

Earlier this year ds1 (13) offered up his huge room to ds2 (4) as, in his words, all he needs is a bed and a PC and his brother has all the toys in the world. So they swapped. Everyone's happy.

Bluebolt · 14/09/2016 23:09

We put eldest in box room as his Xbox was in our dining room so only really slept in his room and I like to be able to physically see him when studying . DS1 from about 11 was never really into sleep over and goes out with friends rather than spend time in the house.. We included him in the discussions and decorated his room first.

heatherwithapee · 14/09/2016 23:10

In our house the eldest has the smaller room because the younger child is too young for a high bed or midsleeper. Older child had midsleeper with furniture beneath and was over the moon.

wheresthel1ght · 14/09/2016 23:10

You say youngest is a girl. What gender is your eldest?

If both do are girls then they share bug room and small room becomes playroom/ guest room?

Is the third bedroom large enough for a double bed for you and dp? If so you guys take that and the kids have the bugger rooms?

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 14/09/2016 23:11

Eldest got the biggest room in our house.

AmeliaLeopard · 14/09/2016 23:13

Eldest. She is going to be having sleepovers years before the younger child. Also, the eldest gets the worse deal - you make all your mistakes with the first only half joking.

SerenDippitee · 14/09/2016 23:16

Eldest. Youngest gets the bigger room when eldest leaves home.

Redglitter · 14/09/2016 23:19

I've never understood this whole 'eldest gets biggest room' Why? Surely it makes sense for it to go to whoever needs it most

When we moved house my brother got the biggest room. It was twice the size of mine but he was still at a stage of lying on the floor playing with lego/scaletrix/other assorted crap

I was past the stage of playing. It would have been total madness for me to get the big room when I didn't need it

MLGs · 14/09/2016 23:23

Eldest should.

They are more likely to need room for a desk sooner.

Plus I agree with PP that it is shit being the eldest. You have to do everything first, and blaze every trail. You usually have to wait longer for privileges that you siblings get on a plate.

Eldest usually has most responsibility around the house, and is forever being told to "set a good example" etc because they are the eldest.

Things like the biggest room, a later bedtime etc balance it out a bit.

lacktoastandtolerance · 14/09/2016 23:25

We moved house when I was 13 and my brother was 11. I volunteered him the biggest room (3 or 4 times bigger - mine was about 2.5 double beds in size) because I knew it would mean my room was always mine. Any games were played in his room and mine became a beautiful messy sanctuary.

I'd give the biggest room to the one who will make the most of it, if you can tell at that age.

bumsexatthebingo · 14/09/2016 23:26

My eldest has the bigger room just because when we moved in the youngest was still confined to a cot so it made sense. When we get down to redecorating though I'm thinking of letting them have the bigger 2 rooms and me and dh squeeze a double bed in the smallest room. Unless I'm sleeping or getting dressed I'm never in mine so it seems a waste to have the kids in the smaller rooms.

MaudlinNamechange · 14/09/2016 23:27

Why the eldest? what responsibiities? What rubbish.

If you have 2 children 4 years apart, and they both leave home at 18 (if you're lucky!) then one gets the bigger room from now for 10 years, and if you swap over when the first one has gone, the other gets the big room for 4 years. This is completely unfair. It doesn't follow the reasonable pattern where older children have more privileges now than younger ones, but when the younger one gets to the same age, the privileges will be the same.

This is fair over time, and is genuinely geared to providing each individual child with the privileges and responsibilities appropriate to their age - rather than just saying arbitrarily "eldest gets more, in absolute terms, for the whole of their childhoods".

The difficulty with this knee-jerk favouring of the eldest, is that apart from the unfair physical disadvantage of one child having the smaller room for no reason, you are actively fostering a potentially dysfunctional roles system in your family which can go on long into adulthood, where one child always feels lesser, not important, not empowered to make decisions or have their opinions validated; and the other struggles ever to understand why they aren't always the controller and the one listened to. This is a horrific dynamic and I know people well into their forties whose lives are dominated and diminished by the ways these roles were burnt so hard into their personalities by this kind of treatment.

HeddaGarbled · 14/09/2016 23:27

I would say eldest because he/she is more likely to notice the difference and feel put out if the youngest gets the better room whereas the 4 year old won't be so aware of stuff like that.

Just out of interest, were you an older and your H a younger child?

SanityAssassin · 14/09/2016 23:29

My younger one has the slightly bigger room (both big doubles) as it suited when she was younger. Older one has mentioned it a couple of times bit it's not like its a significant size difference.

AndNowItsSeven · 14/09/2016 23:29

First choice you should have the smaller room, all you need is a bed and wardrobe, you don't need floor space.

MakeMyWineADouble · 14/09/2016 23:29

I don't think eldest necessarily needs the bigger room I think it comes down to them as individuals for example my brother (older) always had the smaller room as he had less stuff and was happy either playing out or on his computer Xbox etc. I had lots of things and my friends came to play. I also know times this has been the other way too: I think depending on your dcs you will know who needs the space and that's the bigger issue than who is older

MaudlinNamechange · 14/09/2016 23:31

Sorry, to be clear this is something that then plays out in future relationships, not just in your family.

Full disclosure: I am the dominated younger sister and I struggle to assert myself even when I know I am the expert in the room; I then feel a habitual bitterness that I am being ignored again, even though I have almost accepted the ignoring before it happens by expecting it, and not trying hard enough to be heard (because it was once considered to be "naughty" and "defiant" and to be punished).

On the other hand, my sister has a very care-wracked life because she struggles not to control everything. Every single thing. A situation that she is not driving is intolerable to her. She is surrounded by very passive people who are actually quite bad at supporting her, because less passive people don't gel with her controlling nature and don't get close to her. She goes to bed ridiculously early at the end of every day, exhausted by constant organising, talking, bossing and controlling, and her insane orthorexia, and there are many pleasures in life that I am not sure she has ever had.

bumsexatthebingo · 14/09/2016 23:32

And if the 2 larger rooms are different sizes I would flip a coin. Interesting to see how many seem to favour the elder child on this issue though.

Memoires · 14/09/2016 23:32

In our house it was theboys who got the big room as they had to share. However, as you only have 2 children, I'd give the elder the bigger room.

MaudlinNamechange · 14/09/2016 23:34

Here is what I would suggest:

  • either make it a swapsies situation, every x years
  • or soup up the smaller room in a way that is very bespoke to one child so that it feels like a special gift. Eg: if the older one would like a loft bed, decorate the room to her spec, get a loft bed and lots of beautiful convenient storage that would help make the room feel like you have everything you need in it without clutter, consult with her on decorating it, and under the loft bed make sure she has room for the things that she really likes to do, and her homework.
MaudlinNamechange · 14/09/2016 23:36

Do they want separate rooms? I have room for my dds not to share but my 5 year old would hate that. How is your 4 year old feeling about it?

Because another thing you could do is put bunk beds in the little room and make the big room a lovely play room

WhatTheActualFugg · 14/09/2016 23:37

Our two take it in turns by swapping rooms every 6 years.

It seemed the only reasonable thing to do.