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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Asking DH to be careful?

74 replies

Mumofyoungteenagers · 14/09/2016 17:12

We live in a small village, and there is a woman in her 30's whom I would class as vulnerable. She's slightly, forgive the term, simple, and she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area. She is a lovely lady, fun to chat too, loves her dogs and is well known in the village. She dresses slightly, well trousers too short, mans boots and oversize t shirts and is always slightly grubby as is her home. I am only describing this so you get a background.

Recently my DH has been seeing her more and more often when he's been walking our dog and she's been chatting more and more to him. Confiding her family problems etc and becoming more and more reliant on DH to help her out with things, walking dog when she can't, problem with elderly next door neighbour to her for instance and now has his mobile number.

She has rung him quite a few times with problems over the last few weeks and now she has got a health issue and has called the ambulance a few times. Each time this happens she calls DH. Now she has been taken into hospital and again DH was the first person she called.

DH now feels he has to go to A&E and wait with her because 'she has no one else'. I know he thinks he's just being a Good Samaritan helping a neighbour and friend out.

I on the other hand think that she isn't used to having a man take any kind of interest in her (from what she's told DH) and is in some way smitten with DH and whilst I think it's very good of him to want to go the hospital, going will only underline what I think she's already thinking. Whilst DH is no oil painting he's not a bad looking bloke and I think he's going to have a real problem on his hands before long.

He thinks I am being too harsh on the girl, but I like her, and I admire her strength to stand strong when she's had so many problems (again from what DH has told me) and I don't want her to get hurt. DH is as honest as the day is long and wouldn't get a hint if you thumped him with it. I am only telling him to not be so attentive, not go to the hospital, to text maybe to see how she is and not maybe set them both up for a situation that could go horribly wrong.

Am I being daft? AIBU? I'm in a muddle

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 14/09/2016 17:15

Why don't you go along and see how she is? Sounds like she's a nice person so why not give her a second friend instead of just your husband?

Buzzardbird · 14/09/2016 17:18

Your DH sounds lovely and is being a good friend. I don't think he needs to be careful, what could happen?

Seeyouontheotherside · 14/09/2016 17:19

I agree with you, he's leading her on whether he realises it or not. For someone that vulnerable and lonely, that can lead to serious boundary issues because she's finally getting the attention from a man she's probably never been given. Not to mention how it's going to affect your relationship when he's constantly attending to her 'issues', that would annoy me tbh.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2016 17:22

You could go to a&e instead of DH, say he couldn't for xyz reason. One to give him a break but 2 to help ease her attachment to one person?

DianaMitford · 14/09/2016 17:26

Yes agree with you op. Very blurred boundaries going on there for her. He should pull back and stick to texting for a while.

Bluebolt · 14/09/2016 17:28

This did happen to DP with a neighbour with dementia, he could only help her we me present in the end as her truth was never the real truth and DP was worried what she told people. Even I didn't particularly liked being alone because of the stories she told about other neighbours. It was hard as we knew her before but the risks where huge as she was so vulnerable.

gamerchick · 14/09/2016 17:28

Well the more cynical part of me wonders if your bloke knows exactly what he's doing and taking advantage of a vulnerable woman.

But yes he's leading her on whether he intends to or not. Tell him you'll go in his place and observe his reaction.

Goingtobeawesome · 14/09/2016 17:30

I won't forgive the term simple. It's very unkind. You sound really patronising towards her too which isn't pleasant. I'm assuming he is an adult so I'm sure he can manage things if she does develop feelings for him. Maybe, who knows, she's a lovely lady who happens with have few real friends and she's found one in your husband.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2016 17:34

I agree with User(insert numbers)

I thought your worry was going to be that she's becoming too reliant on him and that it's not fair on either of them.

But your worry seems to be that she fancies him, is that correct?

I too think you should try to befriend her, so she can have two friends instead of one.

SabineUndine · 14/09/2016 17:38

I think you should try to befriend her too, so that she is quite clear that your DH is married to you. Also that you should answer the phone next time she calls and explain he's busy or whatever. I think it's possible she has a crush on him and isn't good with boundaries, so that might help to make things a bit clearer.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 14/09/2016 17:41

gamer, I'm pretty cynical, but I think that's a bit of a stretch

diddl · 14/09/2016 17:43

You could both go.

If she does fancy him & he turns up whenever she asks then she might read too much into it.

Gazelda · 14/09/2016 17:44

I agree with others, go yourself. It will help break her reliance on him, will allow you to get to know her better and will show her that she has more than one friend.

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 14/09/2016 17:45

Take over his friendship with the lady...he introduces you to her,then he takes a step back...and the lonely lady has a friend.simples

ClopySow · 14/09/2016 17:45

she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area

What?

Stormtreader · 14/09/2016 17:47

Definitely go in with him, her reaction will probably tell you if your fear has any truth in it or not.

Gottagetmoving · 14/09/2016 17:49

Your DH is an adult. He sounds like a caring person. I think it's a sad cynical world when people look for the negatives in this situation.
No wonder there are so many lonely vulnerable people if others worry what could go wrong if they help them.
As others have said, help out too and that way the woman will see you as a couple and perhaps that will allow her to see your DH is not 'available' It's a pity there are not more people like your DH.

Bluebolt · 14/09/2016 17:49

The concern of her fancying him is not as important as the concern that she may believe she is already in a relationship with your DH. He sounds lovely can you help him to help her?

diddl · 14/09/2016 17:50

Who did she previously ask for help when she needed it?

"she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area"

Also wondering what this means!

george1020 · 14/09/2016 17:50

Is there a reason you cannot go to the hospital either with DH or ideally without?

I cannot understand why your DH wouldn't realise she is getting a bit too attached? From the outside it does look like he might be leading her on deliberately and that is probably what other people are going to think too.

If you like the lady why can't both you and DH befriend her? Why can't you both spend time with her? Can you not introduce her to some of your friends? Or go out to some clubs/groups with her so she can find a wider friendship group?

It's nice that your DH wants to be kind but really I think it either needs to be both of you or neither.

Footle · 14/09/2016 17:50

You go instead.

Rubberduck2 · 14/09/2016 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthel1ght · 14/09/2016 17:51

I can see exactly what you are saying op and I think you are actually being very calm and sensible. You are trying to protect a vulnerable woman who apparently has some form of mental disability as well as your DH from any alleged impropriety.

On the basis that she probably only sees your DH as a friend and confidante I suggest you both go to the hospital and support her. Show her you both care. It will also help you see her interaction with your DH

blankmind · 14/09/2016 17:51

You go to the hospital and also when she calls, you answer your DH's phone, say he's busy but you'll help with whatever it is she needs doing.
That way, it puts the boundaries in a very clear place for her.

Poor soul, she does sound very vulnerable Sad

MrsJayy · 14/09/2016 17:54

You think this woman fancies your husband you are not coming over very well your words are patronising however this woman is vulnerable and your husband is the only person bothering to help her why don't you go to a &e with him to support him your husband had taken on a carers role without thought about this woman personally I think you need to call adult social services as she is vulnerable as you said (ignoring simple) and she has nobody to protect her

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