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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Asking DH to be careful?

74 replies

Mumofyoungteenagers · 14/09/2016 17:12

We live in a small village, and there is a woman in her 30's whom I would class as vulnerable. She's slightly, forgive the term, simple, and she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area. She is a lovely lady, fun to chat too, loves her dogs and is well known in the village. She dresses slightly, well trousers too short, mans boots and oversize t shirts and is always slightly grubby as is her home. I am only describing this so you get a background.

Recently my DH has been seeing her more and more often when he's been walking our dog and she's been chatting more and more to him. Confiding her family problems etc and becoming more and more reliant on DH to help her out with things, walking dog when she can't, problem with elderly next door neighbour to her for instance and now has his mobile number.

She has rung him quite a few times with problems over the last few weeks and now she has got a health issue and has called the ambulance a few times. Each time this happens she calls DH. Now she has been taken into hospital and again DH was the first person she called.

DH now feels he has to go to A&E and wait with her because 'she has no one else'. I know he thinks he's just being a Good Samaritan helping a neighbour and friend out.

I on the other hand think that she isn't used to having a man take any kind of interest in her (from what she's told DH) and is in some way smitten with DH and whilst I think it's very good of him to want to go the hospital, going will only underline what I think she's already thinking. Whilst DH is no oil painting he's not a bad looking bloke and I think he's going to have a real problem on his hands before long.

He thinks I am being too harsh on the girl, but I like her, and I admire her strength to stand strong when she's had so many problems (again from what DH has told me) and I don't want her to get hurt. DH is as honest as the day is long and wouldn't get a hint if you thumped him with it. I am only telling him to not be so attentive, not go to the hospital, to text maybe to see how she is and not maybe set them both up for a situation that could go horribly wrong.

Am I being daft? AIBU? I'm in a muddle

OP posts:

pinkpeter1 · 14/09/2016 17:55

How does facial hair make you naive?

PirateFairy45 · 14/09/2016 17:57

Yeah, could you go instead of him?. See her reaction. She could have a crush on him and liking the attention.

Not in a bad way, I think she may be lonely. Give her a second friend, you :). She may well appreciate it much more than you think :)

Chikara · 14/09/2016 17:59

gamerchick - there is no basis for that comment - and it isn't nice at all.

It sounds as if OP's DH has just found himself in a situation that many people who just want to help find themselves in. (I did myself when I was quite young)

PPs are right OP - go along with or instead of DH. It makes it better for the woman and for your DP. Maybe also, if you think it appropriate, put her in touch with a support group/ local service - something that she might enjoy but be unable to access easily by herself.

Flumpnugget · 14/09/2016 18:00

You are right to be cautious and think you've explained the situation with detail.

Would she have a representative social worker? Does your OH know? Is she connected to any local services? If she has an allocated key worker somewhere, then it would be OK for you to contact them and speak through your concerns. In the meantime, there is absolutely nothing wrong in continuing to support her as best you can, but it is also ok to gently explain boundaries within the friendship group- it really may not have occurred to her that she is overstepping the line in some departments.

I think that you and your OH are very considerate and caring and are very thoughtful to keep her in mind.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 18:01

I understand what you mean, OP, and all the terms you used - and more importantly, the context. You're not being patronising, just setting the scene and trying to do it delicately.

You sound nice, your husband sounds nice too. If you both have the time to spare to befriend a lonely woman then I'm sure she/both you and your husband would derive mutual benefit from the friendship.

I agree that answering your husband's phone sometimes and stepping in to help with some tasks would be helpful and make this lady less reliant on just your husband.

user1471552005 · 14/09/2016 18:03

she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area.

PinkissimoAndPearls · 14/09/2016 18:03

So she's a simple, naive, hairy woman

Your DH sounds nice. You, on the other hand, don't.

gillybeanz · 14/09/2016 18:03

What on earth does facial hair have to do with it.
I'm a bit prone myself and certainly not naive in relationships. What a silly thing to bring to the discussion.
You don't sound like you like her very much and are jealous of the attention your husband is giving her.

She sounds very vulnerable and in need of friends, what do they say about her in the village. Not the gossips but maybe the vicar or good person in the community. she must have a story somebody knows.
Take it from there and help her all you can, don't judge the way she looks, her clothes and home. As for simple, she may be more intelligent than you.

PinkissimoAndPearls · 14/09/2016 18:05

Sorry, my mistake, you think she's a simple naive hairy girl.

And her clothes are too large and manly, you feel.

How anyone can think this OP sounds remotely "nice" is beyond me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 18:07

Oh ffs.... some of you are being purposely obtuse.

Whether or not you remove your facial hair, it can have a bearing on how you are perceived by others. Both men and women. Some men don't mind women with facial hair - some do. If the lady is very hirsute then her 'pool' of available men is probably reduced. If she is then inexperienced as well, it possibly limit her options further. Ditto being unkempt. It counts for some people.

OP sounds a hell of a lot nicer than some of you do. Vultures waiting to pounce.

whattodowiththepoo · 14/09/2016 18:07

Another vote saying you should go instead.

Sparklesilverglitter · 14/09/2016 18:09

Either go to the hospital with him or go instead of him.

Your DH sounds very kind and It sounds like this women is lonely Maybe she would like some friends, could you both befriend her?

What the Fuck has facial hair got to do with anything?

Eatthecake · 14/09/2016 18:11

This lady sounds lonely and that really is a horrible way to feel, your DH sounds kind. Maybe you'd like to be her friend too?

Either go to the hospital with him or go instead of him and say " DH is busy but i thought I'd come to see you"

I'm not sure why you mentioned the facial hair, in what world is that relevant to the situation

inarmsofanangel · 14/09/2016 18:28

OP, I think you are doing the right thing and being sensible in doing so for all it's worth.

inarmsofanangel · 14/09/2016 18:31

Also OP I was in a similar situation a while ago helping an elderly man who had just lost his wife. I thought I was being kind by taking him a few meals, having a cup of tea with him ect but he then turned all this around by coming into my house one day asking for 'sexual favours'. I was really very upset about the whole thing and I haven't spoken to him since, (and no he doesn't have dementia)

RepentAtLeisure · 14/09/2016 18:34

Exactly, LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. I think you would have to be quite a naive person to think most men would look past obvious facial hair on a woman. Most. I'm sure there are exceptions. But I know two women with facial hair problems they can't or don't want to tackle, and they are both single.

And yes, it does sound like she in leaning on him now. But it could be the case that she's enjoying having a supportive friend for once. Perhaps you could go to the hospital on this occasion instead? If she is too reliant, start to only answer every other call, or agree to help her every other time, so that she knows she can't always expect your DH to drop everything when she calls?

WannaBe · 14/09/2016 18:35

Since when does chatting to someone and having them help you out constitute thinking they're in a relationship with you? .

It may be possible that this woman is just a bit needy in terms of that she latches on to attention especially if she's lonely and vulnerable, doesn't mean that she sees your DH as her boyfriend.

Unless she's been sending him flirty or suggestive texts for instance I don't see what the problem is. Some people are just friendly, and some people who are lonely and vulnerable struggle not to be over friendly when someone gives them attention. Doesn't mean there's anything in it for them.

Your DH sounds lovely. You on the other hand.... .

WannaBe · 14/09/2016 18:46

For those judging the woman based on whether she does or doesn't have facial hair and her relationship prospects because of it, perhaps she's quite happy not to be in a relationship anyway? Perhaps the fact that most men wouldn't look past it to someone's personality says a lot more about them than it does about her?

Many years ago I was travelling home on a bus and had fallen asleep. I was, a teen at the time. Woke up as another girl leaned across to get her coat and she said "oh, don't want to wake that girl," then went on to say, "she's blind. She's not very pretty, but she seems nice." And then, "you know, I feel kind of sorry for her, because she'll probably never find a husband,because not only is she not very pretty but she also has a disability."

Now, as it happens I couldn't give a fuck about the shallow musings of people who feel I am unworthy of a relationship because of A, my lack of physical attributes and B, my disability. And I would rather have remained single for the rest of my life than end up with anyone's pity.

but the fact that people think like that, and feel fit to judge others on what should or shouldn't make them relationship material says a lot more about the judges than those who have the physical attribute which those who are judging find so judge-worthy.

Some people are single because they want to be. Sometimes they may not be physically attractive to some other people. But unless you know them intimately then you have no idea that they are single for the reasons you have decided they must be.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 18:48

WannaBe, did you read inarmsofanangel's post? It would answer your very provocative and deliberate question, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure what gives you and some other posters cause to separate OP from her husband in terms of being 'lovely' or not but quite honestly, I hope that OP dismisses the pile-on nasty comments of randoms.

It's odd how threads go.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 18:51

Riiiight... because kids don't call hairy women 'witches' or poke fun at people who look a bit different, having not been corrected by their parents.

People do take appearances into account. Everybody does whether they say they do or not. They do. School run mums - dressed up/dressed down. General discussion here everyday about how a woman looks - too tight clothes. Make up/no make up.

Hypocrisy alive and well on this thread.

WannaBe · 14/09/2016 18:53

No it explains nothing. She had a similar situation but with an entirely different person. People are different, what to one constitutes wanting a relationship constitutes needy friendship to another.

And the OP calling the woman "simple" is good enough reason to separate her from her DH.

Let's bear in mind here that the DH gave the woman his phone number. She presumably didn't wrestle it from him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2016 18:55

Oh for goodness sakes, people use non p/c terms all the time and are corrected without having their very existence as a worthy human being questioned.

It's just a freeforall now, isn't it, people wanting to lash out at the OP. I'm not surprised she hasn't been back. I'm off too, it's tedious here lately.

hollyisalovelyname · 14/09/2016 18:57

I understand where the OP is coming from.
A relative of mine was similar. Back in the day there was no specific diagnosis. She was not as independent as your dh's 'friend' appears to be. There was a total naivety and innocence in her. She could have been taken advantage of. Vulnerable. She too might get the signals wrong and think kindness was actually an interest in her romantically.

inarmsofanangel · 14/09/2016 19:00

Here was my original post on that OP :( just for reference!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2479179-Still-shaking-old-neighbour-asked-me-for-sex

OVienna · 14/09/2016 19:04

OP it's impossible for you to know whether she's needy and just sees your DH as a friend or fancies him. Whichever it is, I think it's likely your instinct is correct that her sense of boundaries may be different from yours and what is comfortable for your family. This is the main thing. I would go to the hospital to see what's what (breaking that habit) but also you may need to think about how much time the two of you together will be willing to devote to helping her out. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I agree with the others, I would try to find out if she has a key worker but my instinct is telling me that she's been managing on her own and it's now reaching a point where she can't. I also wondered about SN. Is there anyone else you know who would know more about her background that should arguably have an interest in her care, i.e. family?

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