AIBU Asking DH to be careful?

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

We live in a small village, and there is a woman in her 30's whom I would class as vulnerable. She's slightly, forgive the term, simple, and she is hindered by a facial hair problem that has left her very naive in the relationship area. She is a lovely lady, fun to chat too, loves her dogs and is well known in the village. She dresses slightly, well trousers too short, mans boots and oversize t shirts and is always slightly grubby as is her home. I am only describing this so you get a background.

Recently my DH has been seeing her more and more often when he's been walking our dog and she's been chatting more and more to him. Confiding her family problems etc and becoming more and more reliant on DH to help her out with things, walking dog when she can't, problem with elderly next door neighbour to her for instance and now has his mobile number.

She has rung him quite a few times with problems over the last few weeks and now she has got a health issue and has called the ambulance a few times. Each time this happens she calls DH. Now she has been taken into hospital and again DH was the first person she called.

DH now feels he has to go to A&E and wait with her because 'she has no one else'. I know he thinks he's just being a Good Samaritan helping a neighbour and friend out.

I on the other hand think that she isn't used to having a man take any kind of interest in her (from what she's told DH) and is in some way smitten with DH and whilst I think it's very good of him to want to go the hospital, going will only underline what I think she's already thinking. Whilst DH is no oil painting he's not a bad looking bloke and I think he's going to have a real problem on his hands before long.

He thinks I am being too harsh on the girl, but I like her, and I admire her strength to stand strong when she's had so many problems (again from what DH has told me) and I don't want her to get hurt. DH is as honest as the day is long and wouldn't get a hint if you thumped him with it. I am only telling him to not be so attentive, not go to the hospital, to text maybe to see how she is and not maybe set them both up for a situation that could go horribly wrong.

Am I being daft? AIBU? I'm in a muddle

I assume hairy = naive because OP assumes that the lady has never had a boyfriend due to her beard making her unfanciable.

Or maybe it's because she's always a bit grubby?

neither seems to be a barrier on Jeremy Kyle

In any case, yes, I do think there is a danger that she could become more attached to DH than either you or DH would like. Not necessarily in a sexual way though . Unless DH is irresistible to all of womankind?

The world can be a scary place for anyone, let alone somebody lonely & vulnerable. Maybe the lady just really values DH's friendship? Could you not offer her a little friendship too?

I am sorry if my post gave the impression I haven't befriended this young lady, I have, I often pop in when I am not working, or Ill myself, without playing the sympathy card, I have a terminal illness that limits my stamina and I am in and out of hospital, I am also still trying to work as my DH is currently unemployed so I am at work (albeit at home) a lot too. When ever I see her I always stop and chat and when she was really poorly the other week I was there with her waiting for the dr and I try and involve her in things we do around the village, and as I said I admire her strength. I am only worried that she will either become too dependant on my DH or maybe get emotionally attached neither of which I would wish on her as I worry she'll get hurt. DH wanted to go to A&E alone as I was working otherwise I would have said yes let's go and gone together. I just don't want to see people I like getting hurt in a situation that by saying something I could stop happening. I am also concerned that she is vulnerable and doesn't seem to have anyone else. I just don't know what to do for the best for everyone! She is the one who told DH that she's never had a boyfriend and pointed at her face, I try never to judge people by appearances I just described the girl to give a background as to why she was vulnerable not as a critique.

He thinks I am being too harsh on the girl

So your basic problem is that your DH disagrees with you. He isn't listening to what you say and feels differently.

You're friendly with the woman, you help her out and spend time with her on your own sometimes. Keep this up. Try to accompany DH as much as you can when he helps her out and beyond this there's not much you can do. Just try not to don't say 'i told you so' if things get tricky and he has to untangle himself in the future.

OP I don't think there's any leading on issue
But if she starts to see either of you or both, as close friends, is that okay for you? Because that's where it is headed. Do you want to be good friends with this woman? That's probably what she's after.

Deliberately obtuse twattery at its best on this thread!!

OP Having read your last post, are you sure that it's this woman you're concerned about and not your DH?

Is it possible that you're focusing on what you perceive as the negatives of her appearance because you don't want to think that there may actually be more between them than you like to believe? After all, it's your DH who gave her his number, and is now protesting over going to the hospital to be with her.

I had a friend a few years back who had a similar issue. He had recently met up with someone he had been to school with years before who had confessed that she had feelings for him. He was adamant that there was nothing between them, that he wasn't interested in her in the slightest. And yet she rang him every night to pour her heart out to him over her past, her family, her job, you name it. She would spend hours on the phone to him every night, and one day I told him that if he genuinely wasn't interested in her then he needed to let her down gently because it was evident she did have some interest in him, and ringing him late at night every night to talk for hours was a clear indication that she felt comfortable in doing so, and may believe she was in with a chance.

Turned out that he had been leading her on all the timE, telling her how special she was, how much he liked her, etc. They're now together afaik, and he was actually free to be with her, but she is an interesting sort, never had a relationship before and she's now in her late 40's, and he didn't want people to think that he would go for someone like her. in fact he's still holding off making any kind of commitment to her, but as she's never had anyone else before she's settled for the crap he throws her way.

Not saying that your DH is like him in terms of my last sentence, but it's entirely possible that your DH may in fact be giving this woman more reason to believe they're together than the other way around?

I know it is probably interfering, but is there anyway you could accompany her to a local walking group or something? When she is out of hospital and you next meet her maybe have a place lined up and suggest it, see what she thinks and go with her a couple of times while discreetly helping her make some friends?

His relationship with this woman is becoming a bit inappropriate. He's THE person she calls from A&E and he wants to go running to her. She wants to let him in on all her personal problems and he wants to help solve them. You feel understandably uncomfortable, so this is not helping your marriage - which should be your dh's first concern, not this woman's needs.

He needs to back off for your sake as well as this woman's. She is going to be very hurt when he does, and the longer it goes on the worse it will be.

You both sound lovely. You got a hard time for little things - the important thing is that you are making a difference but you are right to be concerned about dependency.

I hope it works out. And I hope things get a bit easier for you too OP.

His relationship with this woman is becoming a bit inappropriate

How? It is inappropriate to help someone? FFS.

OP - another one who thinks both you and your DH sound lovely and that you should ignore a lot of this thread.

I have been, the lonely, naive girl with lots of problems. I am still terribly lonely because I often mistake kindness for something else and I end up getting terribly hurt. (I have a cleft, not facial hair)

Please be gentle with her OP. Your DH sounds amazing and most likely doesn't realise she may be very attached to him in her head. So yes, tell him. And be there with him.

I had an ex who's dad had a relationship like this with a vunerable (better than "simple") student. He started out just with little bits of tuition.. then the need became more regular and personal so he put a stop to it.. but she did not.she felt there was something there so continued contact.
She then began following him, got his home location and numbers, found out his child's school and threatened to go there.
A court enjunction was issued after she threw herself in front of his car.
So I'd say, if she really needs a friend... she could have you just as much as him and be equally happy and her reaction to you showing up with the can opener and a reason why he couldn't come should be equally as appreciated

Actually OP, I get exactly where you are coming from. I notice from your original post that this girl has problematic relationships with other people who might be expected to play a large role in her life and be doing the sort of things your DH is doing like going to hospital. By that I mean her family and her neighbours.

This would be a very big red flag to me that perhaps sometimes she is not entirely pleasant. Now your DH is doing what she wants and coming when she calls he is being pleasant, but what if he says no in the future? Is he prepared for what would happen if she decides he is now in the same box as her family and neighbour? I'm also slightly suspicious of the drama that seems to surround her and the constant problems she seems to need sorting out.

Bearing in mind your own health you should be his priority and he should not be spreading himself so thinly. I think you should try and get her support from community organisations, Vicars, the local church etc and withdrawing a little. Although having said that I wouldn't be surprised if they had already offered support but been fallen out with already.

She sounds very demanding, lacking boundaries and prone to fall outs. Doesn't sound like it will end well.

Not going to be popular for this but...
I wouldn't want to encourage her tbh. If he's the first person she rings in an emergency and expects him to go see her in hospital it won't be long before she's got him running all over the place for her. Odd jobs in the house, grocery shopping, lifts here and there.
Fine to have a friend to go on dog walks with and offer to help now and again but she sounds like she's getting too attatched already.

You have your own lives and things going on. If she needs help put her in touch with a support group. The odd cup of tea or what ever is fine but I just think if she has no one else and she's phoning up your dp the first sign of a problem your not going to get rid of her anytime soon.
Politely reign it in and decline politely.

Is she is that vulnerable and has a significant learning disability then she should be known to the local authority. You could cal the adult social care team for your area and ask for some advice. She may need more support for example

Also...I just read that you are terminally ill. You have enough going on and I think it's actually really selfish of this woman to be phoning up your dh with her problems when he has enough on his mind.
Don't feel bad in the slightest for telling her this.

It would really annoy me to be put out all the time by someone like her. She needs a friend and someone to chat to, but neither of you are immediate family and she shouldn't be treating you as such.
She could always go to her local church, community centre, walking groups if she wants more friends but perhaps she doesn't have any because she uses them! Just because she has a disability and lives alone doesn't mean she is incapable.

I think she needs more social support because currently you and your DH are providing that to her and it's quite a strain. It's past the point of being reasonable for you but your DH is a bit 'too nice' and doesn't understand where the line needs to be drawn.

If you turned up alone instead of him would she react differently? Be upset? Ask quite abruptly why DH didn't come? These are red flags that she's too attached.

She can't use your DH as an emergency contact because you are also unwell, and I assume he is your emergency contact? What if you both needed help at the same time? Explaining that to her might be a kinder way of giving your DH some breathing room.

I'm quite a vulnerable person but have a habit of "warning" people that I'm pretty needy in terms of attention and letting them know it's nothing to do with attraction unless they're my actual partner.

I once experienced this the other way round, someone provided emotional support for me online by talking and I thought he was a great friend. Seconds after he found out me and my DP had split he came to my house uninvited with a dvd and ice cream for a 'cuddle'. It was like he was just biding his time. Obviously this doesn't sound at all like your DH, but he must be like me and just not realise what people 'expect' from you.

It might help to ask yourself what you're afraid of. People do sometimes get hurt in life, and you can't be responsible for ensuring that doesn't happen. Perhaps she will become too attached for DH's comfort, but is it possible that he will be able to deal with it if that happens? At the moment he seems to be fine with the situation. If that changes and he finds himself in a difficult position, he will probably ask for your help and advice. At the moment he is not doing that. He seems to want to help her. Have faith he can handle any consequences and leave him to decide for himself.

OP, you have unfairly received a lot of flack. I understand what you're saying about this woman. She has never had any male attention, because she's not very attractive and not bright either. She may have some sn or mental health issues but whether she does or not, she is unable to read social cues or react to social situations in a way which would be 'normal'. Anyway, your description of her (which was a little outdated and of a generation, I suppose) may have touched a nerve with some people, so try to focus on the advice instead. Yes, I reckon your husband is asking for trouble here. It isn't normal to be continually called for serious issues such as a&e trips unless youre family or a close friend. So yes, it will become a problem. I do wonder whether your husband enjoys the attention and the 'drama' of helping someone vulnerable like her? Esp if he is not working and this woman is filling his time nicely. Regardless, if you can't take over some of the 'help' then ask your husband to cool it off or start 'needing' him more (which focuses his energies on you instead).

OK, if you have a terminal illness your DH needs to be focusing his energies close to home. You don't need any unnecessary hassle.

He needs to raise a safe guarding issue with either social services or the police to get her help and support.