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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if bullies from school look at you now and regret how mean they were?

97 replies

Madeupforthis · 14/09/2016 12:17

I was bullied at school for a variety of things. Overweight, glasses, bad hair etc. Didn't help that we were dirt poor, my DM was a single Mum and we a family tragedy when I was 13 which made me tearful all the time.

Mine was constant low level bullying. Anyway, now I am older I look like a film star compared to my teenage self! Weight off, good glasses, I've aged in to my face nicely (VERY well in comparison to the bullies) and I have even bumped in to some of the lads in our year who have chatted me up and told me that I look great (arseholes, like I am going to just forget 5 years of insults). Grin

In most cases I look better than the bullies for my age and have a good life - I have done very well in my career and have a great range of interests and great friends now. I wonder if the mean girls look back and think, wow, I should have been nicer especially now that I look worse than Madeup ever did and made her life hell for it

OP posts:
Tywinlannister · 14/09/2016 12:21

I have also been chatted up by boys from school who look haggard now. I think they regret it, but only momentarily when you tell them you aren't interested!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/09/2016 12:23

Probably not.

They didn't bully you because you deserved to be bullied.

They bully to get a kick they get out of making someone else feel shit.

Your life, wealth, appearance is irrelevant.

In fact, if they had access to your FB, they'd probably get a great kick out of tearing your life to shreds down the pub with other bullies.

Your OP suggests you still have some work to do on your own head to realise that you did not deserve to be bullied. The bullying was all about their failings. Not yours.

OliviaStabler · 14/09/2016 12:28

I couldn't care less what they think and they'd regret ever approaching me. I'll never forgive my bullies, never.

Original poster
Madeupforthis · 14/09/2016 12:30

That is probably true, RunRabbit. I do feel I have come a long way from the tearful teenager I was, but I just hope (probably naively) that they, and other peoples bullies, might feel some degree of remorse for their actions. Given that they are/were totally appearance led too.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/09/2016 12:31

I don't know.

I've recently joined a FB 'school reunion' group.

I'd say there's a pretty even mix of people who have married/divorced/had their share of heartache etc.

Some look good and some don't particularly. Some have better jobs than others, but it doesn't mean they aren't happy/unhappy in themselves.

It also doesn't mean that the ones who come across as a bit 'smug' in the group (and believe me there are quite a few), aren't going to suffer divorce/break-ups/unemployment etc in the future.

I think adult life is mostly what you make it.

scrumptiouscrumpets · 14/09/2016 12:35

I don't think they'd regret what they did just because you look good now. They either regret it because they've matured and have realised how wrong bullying is, or they don't regret it because they're still as immature and insecure as they were as teenagers. In which case they would happily go back to bitching about you, as a PP has suggested.

claraschu · 14/09/2016 12:36

I also think some bullies don't realise how horrible they were. People rewrite history all the time- some will just think they were being funny, etc.

My son did get a spontaneous apology from a boy who was very mean to him, and it meant a lot to him.

Omgkitties · 14/09/2016 12:36

A year after leaving school I actually dated a boy who bullied me in year 9 (just for the year and then he got bored of bullying me apparently 😂) We was together for about a year.

He told me all the time that he was a little prick back then and was just in with a dodgy lot of friends who he still talks to anyway and regrets it so much.

I'm not sure whether that was anything to do with me getting better looking though, he admits he always thought I was quite good looking anyway💁🏼, but more to do with actually getting to know me better!

IrianOfW · 14/09/2016 12:37

I don't imagine they give it a moment's thought. I don't expect they saw themselves a 'bullies'.

TwentyCups · 14/09/2016 12:37

I don't think any of my bullies would look at me now and feel bad, because they aren't nice people. Most of them have kids now though and I do wonder if they think about the things they did, and imagine how they would feel if it happened to their child.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/09/2016 12:38

scrumptious nailed it.

Original poster
Madeupforthis · 14/09/2016 12:38

Oh dear, I hope I don't sound smug. I mean that I looked a total mess in school and now only look great in comparison to how I did then! That still gave them no right to be awful to me and others, I know. We aren't wealthy but we are happy. I just wonder if these sorts of people ever consider their actions once they get a bit older.

OP posts:
RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 14/09/2016 12:39

There was a girl at my school who was bullied, she was picked on remorselessly and her school day must have been living hell.

It's one of the regrets of my life that I was too afraid of being singled out myself that I didn't stand up for her.

A few years ago she was actually in the paper as someone who had made a success of her life despite being bullied. She was a model and looked amazing.

I was so happy for her. She'll never know it like she'll never know how bad I feel in retrospect for being a weak bystander. But I am and I wish her nothing but happiness.

Not sure if that answers your question or not though.

Omgkitties · 14/09/2016 12:39

Oh and now DP used to laugh when his friends bullied, he left in year 10 and then when we met again at 17/18 he apologised for it and said he regretted not saying anything. 4 years later were still together.

I think it's more about growing up and regretting what they did rather than saying oh they're hot now, let's be nice.

Original poster
Madeupforthis · 14/09/2016 12:41

That's exactly it TwentyCups. Now they have their own children I wonder how harsh they will be about appearances given what they used to say about me! Will their own children become bullies/take the brunt of their expectations etc. Sad

claraschu, that is great about your son. I hope it gave him some closure.

OP posts:
liz70 · 14/09/2016 12:43

There was a girl at my convent school who wasn't so much bullying, but sniping and bitchy, always putting me down. She was a right smug, pain in the arse bitch.

I looked her up years later on Friends Reunited. And guess what? She was still the same smug, pain in the arse bitch that she was at school! Some people never change.

Latenightreader · 14/09/2016 12:43

A few years ago I encountered someone who made my school days a nightmare for several years. She came over to me on the bus and was apparently delighted to see me. We chatted in a friendly manner, and she got off a few stops ahead of me, leaving me a bit gobsmacked. She clearly had such different memories of our school days, and no idea how much it had affected me. I imagine lots of bullies are the same.

SockQueen · 14/09/2016 12:43

I expect they barely even remember my name. I doubt they would remember the relentless "low level" stuff as actual bullying, they probably just think of it as school "banter."

SabineUndine · 14/09/2016 12:44

It's interesting, I was picked on a bit for not having expensive clothes (my mum made them) but actually from what I know of the bullies now, they were not that bright, haven't done anything spectacular with their lives and I wonder if that's why they were bullies? Because of their own inadequacies?

Smrendell · 14/09/2016 12:45

Omgkitties why do you keep getting with your bullies girl? Hmm Have some standards.

90daychallenger · 14/09/2016 12:46

DH was a bully at secondary school. He deeply regrets it not because of his victims' wealth, status or looks but because he's grown up and realised what an absolute cunt he was.

Chottie · 14/09/2016 12:49

OP - TBH I never give the girl who bullied me a single thought.

I'm very happy with my life and I am surrounded by people who truly love me. Why would I waste a moment thinking of a bully?

60sname · 14/09/2016 12:50

I said some things to people at school that I look back now at and cringe (though I never systematically bullied anyone). But I don't blame myself as such because I am no longer a teenager, with the undeveloped empathy/social skills that comes along with that.

And as pp have said, if these people do regret their actions it shouldn't be on the basis that you are more attractive now.

Oysterbabe · 14/09/2016 12:50

There was a boy in my class who always told me I was ugly. It was weird, he'd just look me in the eye and say "You're so ugly" and try and try encourage other boys to do the same. That was the extent of his bullying.
Fast forward 10 years and he adds me on FB. I didn't accept but really wanted to ask him why he used to do this. I never did though.

whiteappleton · 14/09/2016 12:51

I agree with the posters who think that most bullies barely even remember their schooltime behaviour or have rewritten and downplayed what they did over the years/decades. I doubt any of the bullies who were cruel to me have ever thought about what they did or cared about what long-term impact they had on me or others. I'd bet they never think about me at all. Not being self-pitying or anything, I just think that's how it is. What stands out in one person's memories can be a total blip in another's.