AIBU to wonder if bullies from school look at you now and regret how mean they were?

[Madeupforthis]

I was bullied at school for a variety of things. Overweight, glasses, bad hair etc. Didn't help that we were dirt poor, my DM was a single Mum and we a family tragedy when I was 13 which made me tearful all the time.

Mine was constant low level bullying. Anyway, now I am older I look like a film star compared to my teenage self! Weight off, good glasses, I've aged in to my face nicely (VERY well in comparison to the bullies) and I have even bumped in to some of the lads in our year who have chatted me up and told me that I look great (arseholes, like I am going to just forget 5 years of insults).

In most cases I look better than the bullies for my age and have a good life - I have done very well in my career and have a great range of interests and great friends now. I wonder if the mean girls look back and think, wow, I should have been nicer especially now that I look worse than Madeup ever did and made her life hell for it

I think that some child-bullies remain genuinely, blissfully unaware of the inappropriateness of their childhood behaviour.

I'm sure there are a few like sleepingbunnies who now regret their childhood behaviour but I'm sure that a lot just saw it as ' a bit of a laugh'. I suspect most (if they remember it at all) would not remember or give any thought to how they made you feel.

DH was bullied throughout senior school and, although he has left the area now, occasionally bumps in to the bullies when visiting family in his old home town. They usually greet him like an old friend.

There was a girl in my class in primary school who was overweight and had a speech impediment and was bullied for it. I didn't fit in at that school either - very introverted, socially awkward and with obvious SEN - but was accepted in primary school in a way that she wasn't. I remember a new child starting at school and trying to pick on me for the obvious differences, and others in the class vocally standing up for me and saying it wasn't fair to.

The other girl was seen as a more acceptable target and to this day I feel terrible that I joined in with teasing her and refusing to play with her. I didn't have a sense of empathy about it at all and wasn't really aware of how hurtful it must have been. I never instigated it, but I didn't stand up for her either, just went along with the majority. It's over twenty years since I left that school and I still think of her and hope she's living a good life and that the way our class treated her hasn't done lasting damage. I'd apologise to her if I met her.

If I did meet her again, I don't think my opinions would change one bit based on how slim, wealthy or successful (or not) she was. I think that's the kind of attitude that leads to bullying in the first place.

I think (and I don't mean this to sound horrible) that you need to try and get over it.

Bullying is horrible but the chances are they're either so arrogant they wouldn't give it a second thought, or they were insecure and probably being bullied themselves somewhere, in which case they might have grown up and feel remorseful.

Either way the bullying is their issue not yours. You didn't deserve it and frankly it doesn't matter what they think.

All this talk of being gorgeous and successful now makes life sound like a game, with winners and losers, it just doesn't work like that.

I was not seriously bullied but I do remember a cutting comment made by someone in my first week at uni. I later bumped into the person who had made the comment and told him. I have to say he was mortified. I guess though if I had not thought that this would now be his attitude then I probably would not have raised the issue ...

Just be happy in yourself now

I think OP only mentioned how she looks now because that was her bullies target. And as her appearance seemed to matter so much to her bullies, now that she is no longer a target in that respect, would her change in appearance cause them to think twice.

To some people looks will matter, like the men who are only interested now that you look different. Other people will just feel remorse because they have grown up. Others won't feel it at all. OP has said she only mentioned her change in appearance because that was what she was picked on for.

lalala - I think the thing is to focus on what you feel comfortable with/need to do. Nice (that's not quite the right word, but hopefully you get what I mean - I would guess there's a certain satisfaction/sense of closure) as it is of her to finally realise/acknowledge what she's done, you don't owe her a response. If you want to respond, you don't need to say thanks either - something akin to your post here, saying that you acknowledge her honesty, and accept that she does sound genuinely remorseful.

I agree that some do change. The nastiest girl in my school year now runs a dog rescue by the coast and (going by 10 minutes of facebook stalking) seems very well liked and very passionate about her work.

I think looking back on when I was bullied it's about recognising there may have been stuff going on in back ground of their lifes. I was picked on since quiet and found very difficult to talk to others, I did not think I had a worth while voice. Some kids are just horrible ( and I say that as someone who worked with kids and its just personality) but for some it may be difficulties with own insecurities, horrible life's or they have just not learnt empathy. Some are easily led and some its a weakness of character they cannot say no. I've seen my daughter experience some nastyness at school and there has been a mistake on adults part of just saying they are just young and they do it to many class mates rather than saying no we nip this in the bud now and teach children to be kind .
I think the best thing to do is move on and realise those people don't exist as the same as they were back then and also you have changed. I did hold on to resentment but not at them but hate of myself but with counciling which aas for something else I think I realised you can't control how people treat you but can control my response so for me it was not aiming that hatred back on myself and instead concentrating on good things in life, dealing with my emotion and not repressing and also not living in the past.

I doubt that they do, they've probably not given it much thought since then although I guess you can hope they've matured since. I was bullied badly at school and even though it was years ago I still have anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes I feel angry because they're able to forget about the whole thing and move on and I'm stuck with these problems now.

I agree with a pp that it's important to not dwell on the past, the bullying wasn't your fault, nothing in your appearance or demeanor justifies it.

I piss myself laughing when our old school bully posts anti bullying statements, she is obviously oblivious to her past behaviour and my interpretation is that her kid is now ironically on the receiving end of one of her kind and only now is she aware of how awful bullying is.

I was working in a garage after I had dd.

This couple came in with an early primary aged child. Suddenly the woman exclaims "I thought it was you Groovee! Jeez you look good! Doesn't she look good?(to her partner) keep that up and you'll find yourself a man!" I just smiled serenely and said nothing. My 3 colleagues were stood there open mouthed. When the couple left the shop, they all turned and looked at me.

I just explained that she didn't need to know about my life or my husband or child!

She was shocked recently to discover I am still married and have 2 children who are in high school!

I was bullied at school by a girl a year or so above. No physical but lots of threats, I practically ran between classes and i'm pretty sure i never used the toilet in school (I developed an olympic bladder).
A few years later I stood up for a younger student who was having trouble at an out of school activity I did who then turned out to be the younger sister of my bully.
The next time I saw the bully she thanked me for standing up for her sister and apologised for making my life a misery for the previous year.
To be honest talking to her I realised she was just a normal teenage girl not perfect but not the mean girl I imagined either.
I guess it broke the spell and I was lucky to get closure so it has not affected my self esteem.

Gah posted too soon but in answer to your question I guess for most probably yes they are aware of how they treated you and probably do feel some remorse.

I honestly don't think my bullies give a shit. I would be utterly ashamed of myself if roles were reversed but I doubt it ever crosses their mind.

My self-esteem has never recovered from being bullied at school. Fuckers.

I was touched up by a bully when I was around 20, had lost lots of weight and looked fantastic (for me that is). He was and is a pig and an arsehole, and obviously thought it was okay to touch me up from behind, thinking I was a stranger. I turned around and his face went white with fear :o my boyfriend was there as well, and he was quite a big guy, so could be intimidating to others. It was a good feeling tbh, felt like I punched him in the face, just by looking fab. I was also bullied on appearance (and for being too smart ), he said I didn't deserve to live, because I was simply too ugly. ¨

Yes - I still have issues after the bullying, and I put the weight back on and feel disgusting now, so I'm by no means fixed. But at that time it felt fantastic. He wanted to have me based on my body, and he could fuck right off, there would be no way he could have me. Perhaps I am politically incorrect but hey ho :P I get what you mean.

A girl that bullied me is a MNer.

I'm sure she has never thought of herself as a bully. Her FB page seems to be full of chirpy memories of her school days and what a laugh she and her friends had.

When threads like this have come up in the past I always wonder if she recognises her own past behaviour but I'm pretty sure she doesn't.

I don't bear my bullies any ill will. They made me miserable at the time but they don't have any impact on my life now.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Facebook comparisons are invidious but as far as I can see from my newsfeed the Geeks have won in the end.

My best friend and I bumped into a guy in the pub who had been a pretty vile nasty bully at school. He was a completely different person, he said he was thoroughly ashamed of what he'd been like at school and profusely apologised to us for how horrible he'd been to us and a lot of other people.

We ended up all getting pretty drunk together! Was a really fun night!!

I had a slightly weird encounter a couple of years ago with a couple of girls who used to bully me at a low level for a while at school.

They were very, very keen for me to say how I thought they'd made my life a misery "[giggle] oh Vlad, we must have really, really upset you! I bet you thought we were really awful! [giggle]. I mean, did you used to think we were really bad for saying all that stuff about you?"

It was quite nice to think that I hadn't actually given them a second thought since and it had taken me some time to work out who they were. Clearly I had a much bigger impact on them than they did on me!

My dd was bullied by a girl when she boarded at school for a year.....10 yrs later this' girl' is a famous popstar, whom my daughter loathes and knows what she's really like underneath all that 'glamour'

I was not a bully but I feel guilty for standing by when a gang of utter shits used to seek out certain kids and make their lives miserable. It was weird in that most kids had their routine at break time, kicking a ball around, chilling on the climbing frame, listening to music or whatever, whereas this group would hunt down their victims and toy with them till it was time to return to class. I guess at the time I was just glad they were not picking on me but I still feel ashamed that I did not do more to help these kids.

Kate, I feel I need to respond to your post.

I wore a charity shop gabardine coat to school for a few years. and sensible clarks shoes. And had an unfashionable haircut. And didn't have a music system. And wasn't allowed to watch TV or buy teen magazines. I had almost no clue who the bands of the day were. Not because I couldn't be bothered to find out, because I didn't have the means to find out.

My parents were MC and weren't poor. They were abusive. I didn't deserve to be bullied by twats at school too.

It's refreshing to hear some people can move on from bullies (the victims I mean). My education suffered due to bullying (changed secondary schools and ended up being homeschooled temporarily), my brothers education suffered as he too ended up changing schools.

The thought of going back to my home town makes me anxious. I have no idea how is react if I saw one of them.

Those people might well have been damaged but they caused some serious long lasting damage that I have found very hard to get over. I know that regrettably I projected some of my issues unknowingly onto my son so he too has confidence issues. (I had him at 18, the bullying stopped at 16 - when I left school and moved areas).

I very rarely think of the bullies these days but I think as I get older I am noticing and acknowledging that some of my behaviours show a shocking level of self-consciousness.

Despite that I think people would consider me fairly successful but I have no desire to have contact with them. I'd find it hard to believe they didn't realise they were bullying when they were forced into meetings by heads of year / head teachers. Their parents were never once called into school whereas I was too scared to go to classes. Utterly ridiculous!

I don't think they care. I was never bullied badly at school, but there were a few girls who picked on me. We took very different paths in life and I forgot about them, they forgot about me. When I got back in touch with one of my old school friends who ended up going to Uni the year after me, she did mention them - she's stayed local, I've moved to the UK - and it did fill me with a little schadenfreude that they haven't had the greatest of lives, and I have, but that really only lasted for a moment. Out of sight, out of mind.

I would imagine it is very hard when you have been severely bullied, though.