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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that most people think this

83 replies

Motg82 · 14/09/2016 11:42

In response to another thread about how shit parenting is. It's made me feel really depressed. I've just had my second and don't feel the way everybody on the thread does, but worry that at some point I will. It almost sounds like it's inevitable.

Do most people feel like this about parenting?

OP posts:

AmysTiara · 14/09/2016 14:52

I never feel like that but I wouldn'tgo on that thread to say so as it would seem smug or gloating.

But I love being a parent and never feel at the end of my tether. I do only have two and I work part time though

crayfish · 14/09/2016 14:55

What I have learned most from being a parent is that babies and children are as unique and different as adults. I pretty much thought 'all babies are the same' until I had one, which is as ridiculous as thinking all 40 year olds will be the same.

Some babies sleep, some don't. Some babies eat, some don't. Some respond really well to a routine, some laugh in your face as you are forced to throw the Gina Ford book in the bin. Some have special or additional needs, some don't. The problem is, you don't know in advance what you are going to get and you can't really force your baby to behave differently. Some people adapt really well to this chaos and others find it hard. It's just like everything else in life, no two people will have the same experience.

Dragongirl10 · 14/09/2016 15:00

Splendide, l am very sorry you are having a hard time,

l did not mean to infer anything about anyone else way of doing things at all, my friend used to co sleep, no routines, house full of lots of yelling toddlers etc she was very happy (and calm) doing things that way and l was happy with my approach, ( bit quieter and more structured) my approach dumbfounded her she thought it was far too much effort and her approach scared the hell out of me, l couldn't cope!

I had hellish pregnancies both times yet many of my friends sailed through........

Everyone has diferent challenges...oh and the little issue of the Dcs with minds of their own........l know some don't sleep well regardless.

I hope things ease for you very soon

IceBeing · 14/09/2016 15:07

According to the data, more people are unhappier with children than they were without. Not by a lot, so there are many, many people happier with children than without...but slightly more are unhappier with children than without.

So obviously it is cool that a lot of people enjoy being a parent and even more cool that some love it. But we shouldn't hide the fact that more often than not, people will be less happy once their first child is born than they were before.

We shouldn't hide it because having a huge swathe of society feeling like they are the only ones having a shit time is a recipe for poor mental health.

brasty · 14/09/2016 15:07

I know women who adore being parents.
I also know women who privately say they wish they never had kids.
I wish there was less pressure on women to have kids, so that only those who wanted them, had them.

wayway13 · 14/09/2016 15:10

I love my DD. I reeeally adore her. I love being a mum, I love being around her and I love playing with her. Most of the time. There are bad days or just bad hours when it really sucks and it is nice to offload to people who understand. I'm expecting number 2 soon so I'm hot, tired and sore. I think the thread was just an outlet for tired mums who love their kids but need to vent.

Original poster

Motg82 · 14/09/2016 15:40

Think it also coincided with watching Motherland last night

OP posts:

Mrstumbletap · 14/09/2016 15:41

If you read that thread and it made you feel sad, think how posters on that thread feel when they read this one. They will probably feel they are crap.

I have friends and I can just see it in their eyes that they love their role as a mum, they want more, tantrums don't phase them, having 2/3 wanting their attention and they remain calm. I also have friends exhausted, and tearful with one. The children are very similar, it's the way the parents are that is different.

To repeat what a poster said earlier everyone is different. some people are good at sports, some people are naturally funny, some people find quadratic equations simple, some stay a size 8 easily, some love public speaking, some are not phased by lack of sleep and tantrums, some are.

If everyone loved motherhood we would be very overpopulated!

yeOldeTrout · 14/09/2016 15:45

Parenting is a lot more shit if you wallow about worrying about how shit you might feel about it. Just saying.

minipie · 14/09/2016 15:53

true Trout. Part of the reason I don't regret having my DC (despite finding it bloody hard) is because I don't allow myself to think about it in those terms. There's no point, since there's no option to send them back. Better to spend the time figuring out ways to make it easier and more fun.

Original poster

Motg82 · 14/09/2016 16:01

Good advice trout! I needed that

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 14/09/2016 16:06

I have posted on the other thread and all I can say is thank your lucky stars you don't feel the same way as the majority do, crack on with your own life and don't waste time worry at some point in the future you might stop enjoying parenthood

Original poster

Motg82 · 14/09/2016 16:25

Crunchy I'm sorry if I offended you. Like I say I can relate to a lot of what is said which is why it struck a nerve. I just don't currently feel like that all of the time. Am clearly still hormonal and over sensitive

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 14/09/2016 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Obsidian77 · 14/09/2016 16:46

I also posted on the other thread. I wasn't having a good day, it's boiling hot, my baby was fractious, my other DCs squabbled for hours so I was feeling very negative. I found it very cathartic to read the thread and to understand that I'm not alone and that other people are struggling.
But really, if other people regret their life choices, how does that affect you? Skip the thread and read something that resonates with you more?

MargotLovedTom · 14/09/2016 17:27

Brasty - the thing is, you can't really know what it's like until you're living it, and by then it's too late!

brasty · 14/09/2016 17:33

Yes it is one of the few decisions in life, you can't reverse. Marriage, jobs,where you live can all be changed. But once you have a child, that is it.
It is worth remembering that until recently, and still for most women in the world, whether to have a child or not, was not a matter of choice.

Titsywoo · 14/09/2016 18:01

I have never hated being a parent. I have found some bits very hard - the bits between 1 and 4 mainly) and the bits where I worry - but mainly I have loved it and would never ever change it. DD has been a breeze since she started school, DS has been a bit harder as he has ASD but even though he is a moody obsessive little bugger he still makes me smile several times a day.

Crunchymum · 14/09/2016 18:17

I'm not offended OP but I'm perplexed.

Imagine I read a thread about open relationships and how they have adversely effected people and then I start a thread about how I am now worried because my open relationship works far too well and I am concerned it will fail in the future because "everyone else's" did. Wouldn't you find that weird and insensitive?

Sorry my example isn't the best but I hope you get my drift.

It was a thread for people who find parenthood a struggle, so you are only reading one side of the story.

Some of the posts on that thread have been heart wrenching and a thread like this doesn't help it's also a TAAT which isn't really allowed

For me parenthood isn't always horrible and tough and miserable but it certainly isn't easy or how I imagined it.

Original poster

Motg82 · 14/09/2016 18:23

I get your point, But I'm not saying I find it really easy or brilliant all the time. I'm saying I too relate to the stuff that's being said but wanted to hear the other side of the coin I guess. I'm really sorry if that's appearing insensitive.

OP posts:

SatsukiKusakabe · 14/09/2016 19:22

I don't know that your analogy really works.

It's more akin to being a relatively happy newlywed and seeing couples around you divorcing and...just...pondering your own future and whether you'll beat the odds or sink under the pressure, and asking for takes of happy marriages. Not because you don't feel for those going through the mill, but just because you want to hear some positive stories to balance it out.

motherinferior · 14/09/2016 19:26

A lot of it is very boring.

Teenagers are nice, though.

weeblueberry · 14/09/2016 19:31

I posted on that thread on one of my very lowest days as a parent. Truly. I've almost certainly got PND and replied at the end of a very difficult two week period.

The thread is three pages long and I suspect many were venting as I was. It's a snapshot of my life, not a biography...

arranged · 14/09/2016 19:37

OP don't bloody apologise.

I don't think this thread is any more insensitive than the thread police riding in here and telling you what you are and aren't allowed to worry about, and what you are and aren't allowed to post about.

Equally as insensitive.

MewlingQuim · 14/09/2016 19:46

I read some of that thread but didn't post because that isn't how I feel about being a parent

Today, that is.

Monday, however, DD as having the worst tantrum I have ever witnessed

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