To feel so inadequate

[NotAFanOfCupcakes]

I know a lot of people won't relate to this and perhaps think this is a first world problem in the extreme, but please hear me out.

Purely for context, DH is a CEO and well off and is desperate for me to hire a full time nanny because apparently I can't cope - evidenced by lack of organised household 6 weeks post partum. He is annoyed that he came home late tonight (well 8pm) and there wasn't any dinner and things were untidy.

in my defence, I was getting eldest to bed and then new baby - instead of sleeping - wanted to feed constantly (growth spurt?). Figured at worst we could order a takeaway or he could throw us both a pasta together (I'm hungry too!)

No, not good enough - with his job pressure, he 'needs' to have things run smoothly at home and 'if I can't cope' i can get a full time nanny/mother's help.

But I don't want to. I know this crazy stage will pass. I want to look after my children myself and breastfeed the baby on demand (she's my last baby). Suddenly, though, he's telling me that none of his peers have this problem. Their wives either have decent 'help' or they 'manage things themselves' - the implication being that I am not managing.

When i later made a small comment about how poor DD had been largely ignored today (ferried around in pram on a million errands between feeds) he looked irked and said 'well that's not good'. I should be paying someone if I can't give her adequate attention, I should be taking her to groups, he said (I've actually signed up to one starting end of the month, but I didn't want to commit to anything sooner, before I found a sort of rhythm, which clearly I haven't yet).

I just feel like shit, honestly. As if it wasn't bad enough feeling fat and milky and unqualified (gave up successful job for babies) and tired; im apparently a rubbish wife and mother, too. And I suppose it has hit a nerve because I do feel inadequate anyway. where do all the hours go? Why am I finding it this hard? Why do I always feel like I'm rushing to get a million things done?

I would have told him to phone Domino's and STFU!

This may be why I'm single.

nicebitofsodaandjam it's a Scottish agency so only any use if you are near Edinburgh.

I think you both sound like you want the same thing, you both want what's best for you! To you, that means being a mum and prioritising looking after your children. To him it means that you accept any help offered to enable you to prioritise your children. He may have worded it badly, but it sounds to me that his heart is in the right place. I also agree with others that he has rose tinted glasses on when it comes to his friends and colleagues home lives - he can't know what happens behind other people's closed doors.
Friends of mine (a regular family - not celebs!) employ a cook. She comes at 4.30 and makes dinner for the children, then prepares an evening meal for the parents. Depending on what time the husband is going to be home she leaves it plated to be warmed through or she stays and serves. Then she cleans up the kitchen. She also does the shopping on her way or does an online shop. It works really well and if you can afford it I'd say go for it.

I agree with the mother's help comments above. If we'd had the money I would have got one. A few hours a day depending on when is difficult for you. They can prepare food (or get in meals from Cook and heat them up, serve with bagged salad) and look after one child whilst you get time with the other for a little bit.

I'm a stay at home mum, even if we've had a wonderful day the 4.30pm to bedtime bit is exhausting! I'd love to have someone help tidy up, clean up after the children have eaten and get one changed whilst I do the other. Add in school reading etc and I'm dove for! DH doesn't get home until about 7.30 (if he's not staying away with work) so it's all down to me.

One of my daughter's friends did do batch cooking for people, some elderly and some families. She did work for a caterer in the hols. Maybe a local catering company might help?
But I would like o say that there are always going to be shit days and your DH isn't being kind. He's cheesed his needs aren't being seen to! Only you can tell if he has a point or has decided he is the CEO of you. Best of luck.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine - although my youngest is almost 2yo. Both DH and I are professionals with very demanding jobs - as well as unpredictable schedules and lots of travelling.

My DH says many of things yours is saying. He's a very good father and partner. I also find it hard to cope and feel like I'm not managing things as well as I should.

I don't think your DH is being abisuve or mean or even unreasonable. A smoothly running household where both children get the best of their parents is in everyone's interests. And everyone has a finite amount of energy, patience, enthusiasm, etc. It's useful to figure out where you want to invest your personal resources. Your DH has a stressful job where he puts s lot into, I think it is reasonable that he doesn't want to come home and do the "grunt" work as long as he is willing to pay to outsource it and isn't demanding that you do more.

Also, a lot of people believe parenting needs to be spending all your time with your children and doing the everyday, routine tasks (feeding, putting to bed, doing the school run, buying clothes and uniform, etc). Personally, i see my job as a parent to manage my children's upbringing - making the right decisions to enable them to succeed, building foundations, investing in their education, etc. I spend loads of time and effort with my children playing with them, talking to them, just spending time so that they feel loved and confident. I, therefore, have little time and energy to put into the other things. After a lot of time and angst, I've come to realise that life is better for all of us if we have extra help with the children and house. I'm not as stressed, DH isn't as stressed and the DC get the best of us.

Hope that helps!