To feel so inadequate

[NotAFanOfCupcakes]

I know a lot of people won't relate to this and perhaps think this is a first world problem in the extreme, but please hear me out.

Purely for context, DH is a CEO and well off and is desperate for me to hire a full time nanny because apparently I can't cope - evidenced by lack of organised household 6 weeks post partum. He is annoyed that he came home late tonight (well 8pm) and there wasn't any dinner and things were untidy.

in my defence, I was getting eldest to bed and then new baby - instead of sleeping - wanted to feed constantly (growth spurt?). Figured at worst we could order a takeaway or he could throw us both a pasta together (I'm hungry too!)

No, not good enough - with his job pressure, he 'needs' to have things run smoothly at home and 'if I can't cope' i can get a full time nanny/mother's help.

But I don't want to. I know this crazy stage will pass. I want to look after my children myself and breastfeed the baby on demand (she's my last baby). Suddenly, though, he's telling me that none of his peers have this problem. Their wives either have decent 'help' or they 'manage things themselves' - the implication being that I am not managing.

When i later made a small comment about how poor DD had been largely ignored today (ferried around in pram on a million errands between feeds) he looked irked and said 'well that's not good'. I should be paying someone if I can't give her adequate attention, I should be taking her to groups, he said (I've actually signed up to one starting end of the month, but I didn't want to commit to anything sooner, before I found a sort of rhythm, which clearly I haven't yet).

I just feel like shit, honestly. As if it wasn't bad enough feeling fat and milky and unqualified (gave up successful job for babies) and tired; im apparently a rubbish wife and mother, too. And I suppose it has hit a nerve because I do feel inadequate anyway. where do all the hours go? Why am I finding it this hard? Why do I always feel like I'm rushing to get a million things done?

He should rushing to scoop up his lovely new baby in his arms, kissing you warmly and going straight upstairs to read DC1 to sleep when he walks through the door.

Bleating because he wants his dinner is total and utter arsehole behavior.

This is a wonderful and exciting time for you and DH (albeit exhausting for you) he should be doing his utmost to make this time easier - you won't have these years again, WRONG of him to prioritise his work and stomach over new tinies in your lives. Utterly ignorant dick.

So, lots of "he's a dickhead" type comments which I agree with, he IS being an arse and sometime you do need to deal with his general attitude to you and the dc, however, he is offering to pay for help in order to get what he wants (to come home to a clean house and a hot meal) why not hire somebody to facilitate this? Stay in control, you don't have to hand your baby over to a stranger, it isn't a sign that you're doing a bad job, it's a sign that your oh has unreasonable expectations of this period. So, I'd contact an agency and ask for somebody to do cooking, tidying and occasional babysitting (school runs etc) basically any jobs that you hate and want to get rid of.
Maybe set atone frame of three or six months contract and see it as an opportunity to really enjoy your last baby.

Was he always a sexist pig or is this new? How is he with finances, do you have equal access to all accounts or is he "in charge" of that too.

TNH when he came out with his critique you should have ripped him a new one.

I would have suggested a mother's help too a couple of hours a day at the moment and see how you go. It's not replacing you and it'll be great company for you as well as the newborn phase can be very wearing!

I sympathise as I have a DH with similar long hours, travel and expectation of things to be tidy and on schedule when he comes home. I cook a load of things in 30 minutes once DC asleep and day/week is super scheduled and I manage it but no newborn so cut yourself some serious slack!!

Batch cooking at the weekends is also helpful.

Perhaps mother's help could also mean you get a chance for a rest as well.

Goodness he should try having a baby.
Use your slow cooker ...a lot.
I'm with the others get a cleaner. Housework is boring, necessary but not as much fun as babies. It is early days you will get into some sort of routine soon.
I would leave him with the children for a couple hours that should wake him up!
Being a mum is the hardest job in the world you are doing a great job don't let him tell you otherwise.

My DH sounds a bit similar, just not so high up and didn't want to waste money on help when his mother didn't need any and she had 3 kids It made everything much harder that it already is with a newborn (and you sound like you're doing very well btw). And made me feel utterly incompetent too.

In terms of the help you want, you can find someone who will help with anything, especially if you're willing and able to pay for it. In the end I put a Facebook ad up for someone to clean my kitchen and dining room and tidy up the kids' toys and give it a once over with the hoover some evenings. I found a very nice student who was very happy to do that. It made a big difference.

And something to think about is that his unkindness and insensitivity is more a reflection of his own work stress rather than your competency as a mother, although that does not excuse it at all.

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute here.

If parent A is out at work all day and parent B is at home, I think it is reasonable for parent A to expect the "at home" work to be done, the same way it is reasonable for parent B to expect the "outside the home" work to be done to provide and income for the family. Note that I am not assigning a sex to either parent.

If there is enough money in the family pot, I also think it is reasonable to use some of it for extra help at home. However, many at-home parents manage to get everything done on their own during the working day. I'm not saying it's easy (I've been an at-home parent to newborns, as has my husband) but it is doable.

Obviously it is going to cause friction if your husband is jack-booting around demanding his dinner, but on the other hand, if he refused to fulfil his obligations and just decided not to bother going to work, then there would be no money.

The six week old baby is, I think, a red herring. Yes, babies are demanding but plenty of single parents look after a baby and work outside the home.

I would hazard a guess that your husband hasn't suddenly become an arse. If he has, then maybe he is tired and stressed too, with the adjustment to the responsibility of a new baby to provide for. I think it would be disingenuous to suggest that the person who works outside the home doesn't have the same worries and stresses as the person at home.

I just feel like every thread like this turns into "all men are twats and all stay at home mothers are perfect", and I don't think it is necessarily always the case.

Please cut yourself so much more slack. Yes, buy in help for the house and to keep things running smoothly how would I have loved this but all households with newborns and little children are a bit messy and chaotic, never more so than early evening.

And you are setting yourself standards which are a tiny bit ridiculous, ten week babies do not need baby groups. They need cuddles, milk and mummy chats. On a good day they enjoy watching the world go around them. Only start signing up for all this if you want to. I suspect by six months you will feel pressured into having some sort of weekly schedule including baby Mandarin at this rate.

If you feel he's criticising remind him you are not his employee. If he's being supportive say thanks darling, hand him the baby and go for a long bath with your book and a glass of wine.

Glad you have paid for some help, OP. That should help take the pressure off you.

I agree that you should be doing what YOU want to with your dc - so if you want to look after them without help then that's up to you. But listen - don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not good enough and everything must be perfect, because that's the way to get into MH difficulties again. Be resilient!

Things don't have to be perfect. You have a 6-week-old baby! If, at the end of the day, you're all happy and smiling and fed and loved, then that's all you should be looking for at this age.

Talk to your dh. Tell him how his comments have made you feel. Tell him you;re not an employee but he's your husband - he's meant to cherish you and support you AND LOOK AFTER HIS OWN BLOODY CHILDREN TOO. Even if he works long hours!

If we'd had the money, I'd have thrown money in all directions to help me get through the past 3 years of having PND trying to cope with my 3rd DC and her autistic brothers.

When your husband returned home he was still in CEO mode. He identified a problem and offered a solution, although not in the most tactful way, but if he had been working long hours he too was tired and hungry.

I would pay for as much housework help as possible, leaving you free to concentrate on the children, and buy in a stack of good instant meals, if money is no problem. I take it you have your own car and all the normal labour-saving devices?

Get the baby into a breast-feeding routine, then things should fall into place. Are you sure feeding on demand is working?

Then you can address the real issue about whether you really want to be a full-time mother.

He is being a total dick and an arse. As has been said he isn't your boss.

He should be supporting and realising the baby will affect him too.

However, don't get a nanny. That's bullshit, you need to be with your baby. If the money there get a housekeeper/ or cleaning company to come every day. Get a cook or use ome of those companies who bring the ready prepared stuff.

These are the jobs you can farm out first rather than care of your child and it sounds good to me. If you get anynsort of nanny get a night nanny to ensure a good night sleep, after which anything is possible.

However you also need to sit your husband down and discuss his attitude to you and how its "not good enough" for you.

I read your OP like your DH is your employer giving you your 6 week appraisal. I don't think you have a problem with your housekeeping skills, I think you have a DH problem.

It's perfectly normal to find this stage a bit chaotic. It will pass and it will get easier. If your DH is offering to pay for help with domestic stuff then I'd go for it, even if it's a temporary measure. Don't see it as some sort of personal failure just as a gift of more time to enjoy your new baby and to allow you as a family adjust to the change.

I am in a similar situation, I use lots of family help to maintain my sanity. I do not understand why a mother is expected to be able to do everything. Of course you can't do everything!

I am sure your DH is a decent guy although maybe a bit tired and stressed. It is not easy to work intensely at high pressure job for very long hours every single working day of your life, it does adds up. The personal time he has is very limited and I think all he is saying is that he want help (from anyone) so that he can enjoy that 3 hours between arriving home and sleep, rather than having to spend that on sorting out unimportant every day things. Nothing about you not doing a great job. No one can do everything.

If I were you I will try domestic help, so someone else do the shopping and food prep/cooking, all cleaning including laundry and ironing, maybe school pick up sometimes. It is a bit of a hassleo arrange but hopefully you can find someone you like and trust. Then you can have some time yourself too to just rest/shower/watch tv. You are in a lovely financial position so buy back some time for yourself and your whole family to enjoy. Worth trying.

Thanks for comments. I've had a pretty shit night's sleep. He's gone to work and tried to say sorry this morning - but I am still feeling really down and sad. My depression stems from some pretty major fertility hurdles + multiple miscarriages and I think feeling inadequate as a woman/mother is just such a sore point for me - even with DD here and healthy.

So- I have a cleaner who irons and does laundry (lucky me, I know), and I do have a babysitter in my contacts who might be happy to do some extra weekday shifts to help out - she's a student and has mentioned the possibility before. She doesn't cook though so might not be ideal. Does a thing exist where someone comes to your house and makes dinner/children's meals and batch cooks? Or do I just get rid of the husband :)

OP, check out Cook ready meals. They will be £1 - £2 more expensive per portion than other brands, but they are tasty and foolproof (and they deliver). As PP said, you bung them in before bathtime, and 45 minutes later, a lasagne appears

Please get help. It doesn't need to be forever but less pressure at this time will be better for everyone. When I had last DC it was a rare day I was dressed before 13:00. If there had been spare cash I would have hired a cleaner/cook without a second thought. They could take care of all the other stuff and free you up to focus on the children. Unless I've missed something your DH sounds like most men, more so considering his job. He sees a problem, identifies a solution and expects it to be implemented, end of. Unless he is a controlling bully who regularly undermines you he has probably just handled this insensitively. Only you know what he's really like and whether he is just trying to make things easier for you all or is really playing other games. You need time to regain your emotional and mental strength, to get you through the weepy stage and buying in some help will give you that. .

You don't need a nanny, you need a housekeeper. Someone to keep the household stuff done, run errands, cook meals etc while you enjoy your children.

As others have said a messy house and no dinner on the table is totally normal. We have 4 dp and the last two were very close together (13 months apart) dp was more than happy to sort his own food out but cooking is not his strong point, he's great at other stuff bathing kids and getting stuck in but he's truly a dreadful cook. What he did do which was amazing was say "right butt what do you need help with?" In my case it was cleaning and ironing so we upped the cleaners hours and started sending ironing out every week. We also upped the gardeners hours. So apart from looking after the kids and cooking I didn't have to worry about doing any thing else.
Could you employ a housekeeper? If she took over the running of the house, cooking ,laundry etc... It would leave you to just focus on the kids.

If I had the money I'd have a daily housekeeper, maybe 5 hours a day, it could be a nice job for someone who wants to work school hours. They could do general cleaning, laundry, ironing and also stay on top of food shopping and errands, plus batch cooking or maybe preparing dinner to be eaten later. It would be like having your own wife

alwaysinahurry what agency did you use for your student helper? That sounds ideal.

OP it is tough, been there on the depression, career, miscarriages, long-hours highly paid DH... Hang on in there, just keep going, remember that normally there is a day where you feel you can't go on and then the next it is more achievable. I now have an eight month old and other dc and coming out the other side.

He is wording it badly but is trying to help. I gave up my job but was on similar high-flying track and all I remember is how draining, tiring and exhausting it was. Plus he has two kids and a wife who, God love you, has had major depression. Take the money, make it work for you. Look at the lady magazine and you will see lots of agencies etc, people looking for help ( I found reading the ads of what other people were asking for really helpful). Get either a mothers help who will play with child/ hold baby for an hour, then do the boring toy tidying and room tidying before bobbing off OR you can def hire a housekeeper five days a week for 4 hours a day for around £1000 a month - maybe suggest that for six months?

We didn't get one in the end as DH was made redundant but then of course I had him to help.

I promise you that many of your feelings are simply related to your depression and so are not based on in fact being inadequate. This can be the roughest of times; even though my old job was incredibly tough I sometimes look back as though in a dream on the days I sat in a boardroom with smooth hair and nice clothes and people bringing me coffee ffs. Just keep on trucking

If your husband is such a high flyer, maybe he needs to hire someone to help him at work so he can come home and help out with stuff like the dishes, cooking the food, taking your daughter to stuff, etc, whilst you get on with the very important job of being six weeks post partum with all that entails.

He needs to be reminded that he is not your CEO.

(And then punch him in the dick)

Seriously, get a housekeeper so that you can concentrate on your kids. You can afford it. Get someone either to live in or to come in 4 hours a day to do your washing, cleaning, ironing and cooking. Why stress yourself doing it if you can afford not to.

Well I can actually see his point.

He earns enough to buy in help - be it childcare, housekeeping, cleaning, dinner service. Of course he doesn't want to come home to chaos and no dinner when it could quite simply be outsourced.

Why don't you look into getting dinner delivered and some housekeeping/mothers help type support?