To feel so inadequate

[NotAFanOfCupcakes]

I know a lot of people won't relate to this and perhaps think this is a first world problem in the extreme, but please hear me out.

Purely for context, DH is a CEO and well off and is desperate for me to hire a full time nanny because apparently I can't cope - evidenced by lack of organised household 6 weeks post partum. He is annoyed that he came home late tonight (well 8pm) and there wasn't any dinner and things were untidy.

in my defence, I was getting eldest to bed and then new baby - instead of sleeping - wanted to feed constantly (growth spurt?). Figured at worst we could order a takeaway or he could throw us both a pasta together (I'm hungry too!)

No, not good enough - with his job pressure, he 'needs' to have things run smoothly at home and 'if I can't cope' i can get a full time nanny/mother's help.

But I don't want to. I know this crazy stage will pass. I want to look after my children myself and breastfeed the baby on demand (she's my last baby). Suddenly, though, he's telling me that none of his peers have this problem. Their wives either have decent 'help' or they 'manage things themselves' - the implication being that I am not managing.

When i later made a small comment about how poor DD had been largely ignored today (ferried around in pram on a million errands between feeds) he looked irked and said 'well that's not good'. I should be paying someone if I can't give her adequate attention, I should be taking her to groups, he said (I've actually signed up to one starting end of the month, but I didn't want to commit to anything sooner, before I found a sort of rhythm, which clearly I haven't yet).

I just feel like shit, honestly. As if it wasn't bad enough feeling fat and milky and unqualified (gave up successful job for babies) and tired; im apparently a rubbish wife and mother, too. And I suppose it has hit a nerve because I do feel inadequate anyway. where do all the hours go? Why am I finding it this hard? Why do I always feel like I'm rushing to get a million things done?

X-posted bondi yes maybe a mother's help.

Ugh. Finished feeding but can't sleep. I just feel so down on myself. Like everyone is getting the worst of me right now. I want to be better than this.

Your new baby is getting the BEST of you. That is what matters now.

Your DH actually sounds quite caring. I bet when he's at the office he delegates work, doesn't he? It's called good management. So you can do the same. Be the CEO and get a housekeeper to do the sh*twork, at least for a few months, while you enjoy your DCs. An experienced housekeeper will get a few systems in place to help domestic things run smoothly.

Hell, I wish I'd had such help when I was a new mum. It took me ages to recover from the emergency C, and I had no family nearby to help. (Not that they would have.) While the offer is on the table, grab it! And delegate!

Send him to mine, my baby is 10 weeks and the house still looks like a bomb site. DH comes home around 8.15 in the evening and cooks mine and his dinner, he wouldn't dare challenge a hormonal woman who is raising his children about the state of the place

And another thing, Cupcakes, my mother says it's outrageous how new mums are expected to do everything themselves these days. Mothers of her generation (new mums in the '60s) and my grandmother's generation always had people to help, whether family members or a cleaner or a 'mother's help' to mind the older children and cook dinner. This was not just among rich people. It was normal across all income groups.

I don't know where this Lone Supermother thing came from, but I certainly didn't choose it, and neither did you. I suspect an anti-feminist plot.

We must resist. We must overcome.

Go hire a housekeeper.

If you can, no harm in hiring mothers help / upping cleaners hours / buying a ridiculous amount of nice ready meals! Your DH really is being completely unreasonable and you sound like you're doing a great job.

What about ordering some meals from Cook? You could turn on the oven when you've taken the children out of the bath & then put one of their dishes in once you've dried the 6 year old. Their meals usually take about 45 mins & you can put them in ceramic dishes so they look homemade.

Another option is HelloFresh as then the decision mating & shopping is taken out of your hands, you just cook what's delivered.

I would recommend a food delivery service- different ones send out the food in various stages of prep! So you can mix and match if you fancied it, for the days you want to have more time to cook food (if cooking is something you enjoy but don't have time for) or just stuff to sling in the oven for when you are pushed for time.

Another option is getting stuff set up online to reduce the chores you have to do- use that breastfeeding time to get on your phone and get ordering for delivery to minimise the errands you have to run.

Also, book in more time for your cleaner- take the pressure off you.

I would also feel shitty after those comments, he clearly meant well, but it struck a nerve. Be kind to yourself.

Hmmm. With the pressure of a new baby and a 5 year old you "need" your DH to be a bit more supportive!

As you say, this stage will not last forever. Your priority right now is feeding your baby. If the CEO of a company can't manage to knock up a quick bowl of pasta for himself and the mother of his children then I think he needs to look at developing his skill set.

However, if you think you would benefit from a housekeeper or mother's help then don't be afraid to take up the offer. Not to be a substitute parent, but to enable you to concentrate on being a parent.

You can do this.

OP, I can actually kind of relate although I probably wouldn't have started a post about it on here bc there are so many people who have it so, so much harder . My DH is not a CEO but he earns way more than we need at a job that requires long hours and travel. I also left a successful career to stay home with the kids, and I have had a few bouts of moderately serious depression. I'm doing OK now but I still struggle enormously with keeping things moving smoothly at home. (And I don't even have a newborn!).

It is hard for me to spend money on help, even though I suppose I should. We live in a very expensive London neighborhood and have 2 kids in private school, and I'm often appalled at how much money we spend to support our lifestyle. We have an amazing cleaner once a week, which I probably should up to twice. I do a lot of partially prepared meals from Whole Foods and M&S, and we do "good" takeaway through Deliveroo once or twice a week. That helps with the food issue, but I'm still ashamed at how often my DH comes home after a long day and has to throw dinner together himself. When he's been gone for a few days, it's appalling what he comes home to. I am trying, and slowly getting better, but I do carry a huge amount of shame about all of this.

Despite all of thjs, though, my DH is incredibly patient and understanding. And again, I don't have a NEWBORN ffs. It sounds like your DH has gotten a bit self-important and arrogant, but it sounds like he's a good person at heart. I think it's worth sitting down with him at a quiet moment and explaining how his attitude makes you feel. At the same time, there's no shame in accepting all the help you can get. I don't know if I agree that your kids are always better off with a sad mom than a happy babysitter, especially not if its just for a few hours a few days a week.

Anyway I know this was rambling and probably not helpful but it's 5 am :). Good luck.

NotAFan --

I have no kids, I live in a one-bedroom flat, and it's always a mess. Tell your husband to get food if he wants a home-cooked meal.

Also, a cleaner will make your life easier :) I'd love one if I can afford it!!!

I came on to second the dick punching. But it sounds like he might have worked things poorly? Maybe just an elbow this time. If he is a CEO then presumably he'll intelligent enough to know how to phrase things better. Tell him how his cunty wording makes you feel.

But also get a housekeeper or cleaner. DH suggested we get one during my second (HG) pregnancy and it's the best gift he has ever given me, and it wasn't even a gift for me. It takes a huge weight off your shoulders and will let you enjoy your kids.
Also clear out yoyr freezer and then fill it full of meals from Cook. Then get your DH a subscription to Hello Fresh so he's got no bloody excuse not to pitch the fuck in and cook.

You are doing a great job.

First, if you can afford to get help around, please do it. It made such a difference to me. There are lots of agencies esp. In London who will send someone round to prep meals for you (I have a plan to empty my freezer for cook meals). It's not that you can't cope, it will just make everything easier.

Second - Tell the agency exactly what you want - I work full-time and have a student who comes round once a week for two hours and cooks meals for my boys which I then freeze to get out over the next week/ puts away their clothes/ changes their beds and a cleaner. I was absolutely clear with the agency that this wasn't a childcare job, although she's now our babysitter and is on standby to help out when the new baby arrives. Her role is to help with some of the household child tasks. This meant I got exactly what I wanted.

King yes, people do have it far worse than this. First world problems and all that. But the way we feel about situations is subjective, and although rationally the decision about whether to employ a housekeeper is far less harrowing than deciding whether to feed your child or play the electricity bill, feeling a failure is the same however you wrap it up.

I don't see a problem in starting a thread about something which is upsetting you. Neither you nor the OP should feel that you can't come on here and talk about it.

Tell him to shut the Fuck up.

He needs to pull his finger out and help when he's home.

You se doing your best and if that means your house isn't show room perfect, then so be it! You have two kids! One of which is s tiny 6 weeks old!!!!

He needs to get a grip. You, on the other hand, have some .

You had a baby SIX FUCKING WERKS AGO AND HE WANTS HIS DINNER?

Sorry, op. I am so angry for you.

I think you should calmly suggest some "help" for him to realise he's not the boss at home.

What a fucking ARSE.

He's not being very understanding but I agree with other posters about not being ashamed of getting help. We moved to a new country with a three month old and a 2 yr old and for the first month we had a full time nanny even though I was at home. It does really help to ease the pressure - looking after small children is hard!

He has probably gone about it the wrong way, but I expect he is probably trying to be supportive. My DH is not a CEO but headed that way and I don't think there's any shame in getting help - after all the help is to replace the support your DH would give you with household stuff if he had a lower pressure job. So it's support for him really, not you!
A mother's help should do whatever you want them to do, within reason, ie errands, tidying, cooking. Why not outsource all that stuff and focus on the kids? The emotional stuff is what the children want/need, they don't care who washes their clothes or tidies up after them!

He is a dick.

You have a newborn. It doesn't need groups, cluster feeding/growth spurt at this age is totally normal as you know.

Screw what his work mates wives do. He can get himself a takeaway and look after you too the fucker.

I'd not like anyone in to help with the kids either, but might go for a cleaner/housekeeping help temporarily if I thought it might help.

He needs to think about how he's talking to you though!

I'm another one who gave up a successful career when we had kids (trailing spouse following DH's relocation) and I would ask all of you who've felt inadequate at looking after kids to remember how well you did your job and how much less shattered it left you. You are all doing excellently at motherhood. It's just a hell of a lot harder than the average job.

My dp has his faults. He is not perfect. However, he has never once told me I'm not coping/managing with dd. If he has come in from work and the house is messy and dinner isn't made, he mucks in and sorts it out. If I am a sobbing mess because I am exhausted and feel like a complete failure that day, he gives me a hug and tells me I'm the best mum in the world. I wish you had that support op.

He does need to grow up and learn that when his mates claim their homes work like clockwork, they are lying. And you really don't have to be taking a 6 week old baby to "groups" unless you want to for your own sake - the baby won't really derive any benefit from it.

A friend of mine hired a young woman who was at the local college training to be a nursery nurse. She came in for a couple of hours early every evening to help with getting older DCs tea, bath time and the 6 o'clock baby feed and setting down. It worked really well for everyone.

He will never say 'you should do more' but more 'you really need to face up to the fact that you can't cope with having a lot on your plate and accept all the help we can afford'.
See I think if he'd been a bit more sensitive about this it would have been better. This statement puts you down and makes you think you are inadequate (when you are an average mum of a baby) If he'd said "darling , what can I do to make your life easier?" He wouldn't have come across as such a prick. And comparing you to colleague's wives? Let me get in the Cock kicking queue.
Cleaner-check. Get meals ordered in. Hand him babies and fuck off for a long coffee or a session of kick boxing.
Hope this isn't his management style.

Also think the dick punching is a good idea. But maybe prepare a meal with a scotch bonnet in first?

Get a mothers help who can come and give you a bit of help at crazy times. As you're employing them you can set what you need doing. They can make tea whilst you feed your baby so you get a piping hot cup. Errands- either do them together or send the help whilst you stay at home.

There is no shame in it at all. Enjoy your baby. They are little for such a short time. The help could prep dinner so you just chuck it together or set it going so it is ready. They could help plan meals and just organise a little so you haven't got to do it and can finish stuff off with minimal effort.

I would have jumped at one should I have known about them at the beginning!