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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He made me keep his fertility problems a secret so everyone thought it was just me.

21 replies

GollumsAnalogy · 13/09/2016 21:23

I'm pissed (as in English 'Drunk) and also more the American version of angry that my horrible, inadequate, shithole of a dp made me take full responsibility for failing to conceive a few years back. We both had fertility problems but I had to agree that it was all my fault. We were lucky enough to be blessed with dd who is the absolute light of my world but God! What sort of inadequate prick makes you take on full responsibility for something that can affect anyone?

As I said before, I'm drunk so apologies for being a self indulgent cow.

OP posts:

acasualobserver · 13/09/2016 21:31

That's pretty low and your anger and resentment are justified but are you prepared to feel like this about him for the rest of your marriage? That doesn't sound like a workable arrangement.

DrFoxtrot · 13/09/2016 21:35

YANBU did he ask you to keep it secret? Did you have to lie to other people? This is the sort of thing that breeds resentment. Is he selfish in other ways?

Have you discussed with him how you feel? I would be bringing this up at some point and make it clear exactly how it made me feel. If he apologised and genuinely did not realise how it would make you feel, could you move on? Sorry for all the questions. I'd be the same as you OP.

Original poster

GollumsAnalogy · 13/09/2016 21:49

Yes, but I knew what was expected of me. I asked 'shall I just say it's my issue' and he said yes.,

I think bringing it up with him would be pointless.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 13/09/2016 21:57

Why did you say that?

Perhaps best answered sober...

gabsdot · 13/09/2016 22:02

Did people really ask you that question though?
My Dh and I were unable to conceive due to zero sperm. I didn't actively go around telling people that and if anyone had asked, which they didn't I would have told them to mind their own business.

Original poster

GollumsAnalogy · 13/09/2016 22:03

I knew he'd view it as an insult to his 'manliness' and thought me absorbing the issue would be best all round. He was already fuming at his fertility results.
But Yes, probably best answered sober.

OP posts:

Original poster

GollumsAnalogy · 13/09/2016 22:04

I was very close with some younger aunts and my sisters. It would come u and we decided we needed a 'cover story'

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 13/09/2016 22:07

So you offered and he said yes?

It's not great, but it's not quite the same as him forcing you to do it.

I think your anger is an overreaction, based on what you've said so far. Is there something else going on that has made you very annoyed at him?

GoldFishFingerz · 13/09/2016 22:17

Why not tell them the truth now. You can word it so that it slips into the convo naturally.

Sparklesilverglitter · 13/09/2016 22:20

As a couple surely you would say, we are having fertility trouble and that would be the end of it. Why do you need to say who has the fertility troubles? I'd say anybody that asked which one of you had the troubles, was fucking rude and you should of just told them so

you offered to say it was just you and he said yes, that is a bit different to forcing/making you say it

JellyBelli · 13/09/2016 22:24

He's not making you do anything. Hes putting pressure on you to do it and you are going along with it.
You can choose not to do that and take the consequenses.

Eatthecake · 13/09/2016 22:25

Why do people even need to know who has what fertility troubles? You just say we (as a couple) are having fertility troubles and that's that! Any fucker that has the cheek to ask which one has the problems do the "that's a bit personal" reply and move the conversation on

He didn't make you say it, you offered and he said yes that is quite different to making you say it

LRDtheFeministDragon · 13/09/2016 22:37

This is obviously something that is upsetting you - even if it's only coming out under the influence! - so I think you need to talk to him about it.

I can completely understand you being angry, with him or with the world, about fertility issues. And maybe now you do have your DD, you're only beginning to process that anger properly?

It is incredibly depressing the way that fertility issues are so often seen to be something men are more entitled to be ashamed about than women. I think it can contribute to a situation where women, like you, feel they have to 'take the blame'. That wider situation isn't of your husband's making, really, but I can see why it would make you feel you had to offer to 'cover' for him, and also why you might now be feeling, belatedly, that you never got the chance to really express how you felt about it all.

BrightOranges · 13/09/2016 23:44

One of these days you're going to be English pissed and tell all which will make him American pissed.

Tbh I cannot understand what you mean by "was expected of me and I offered". This is just wrong.

MommaGee · 14/09/2016 01:08

Is something else going on?

You offered, he said yes, you did it. Did anyone say anything re fertility tbat upset you?
Does he generally sheug responsibility and let you shoulder it?
Are you trying for DC2 and you're worried it will come up again.

I think you need to look at why it upsets you so much x

AmeliaJack · 14/09/2016 01:14

Even my own parents don't know the specific details of our fertility issues. Why on earth would anyone need to know (or be rude enough to ask?)

BillSykesDog · 14/09/2016 02:38

If he didn't want other people to know the details of his private medical issues that's up to him. You shouldn't expect him to take the 'blame' just because you wanted to discuss it with your family. He's in the right here, you shouldn't be discussing his medical history with other people unless he is totally comfortable with it.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 14/09/2016 02:45

You are 100% in the wrong. He didn't want to tell anyone about his problems. You have absolutely no right to talk about his private medical problems to anyone else,

You wanted to tell people about yourself. So you told. You are not the victim. Grow up.

I'm so angry - your behavior is disgusting.

LouisvilleLlama · 14/09/2016 02:58

You offered he said yes. Even if he said no

You just say we're having a difficult time conceiving.

It's ip to him to let people know about his medical history and you yours, so whiny you're chatting to your family you'd be out of order even if you had super fertile eggs and he had not a single sperm to mention his sperm to your family

LilQueenie · 14/09/2016 03:49

I know the feeling. I had the fertility problems he didn't but he made me swear not to tell anyone about the treatment incase they thought it was him anyway. Needless to say I don't stay quiet about it. Going along with it only makes them stronger.

user1473385491 · 14/09/2016 04:03

I don't think this is other people's problem and I don't think it matters what other people would think this is just between you and your husband end of story.

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