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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think "thank you" should actually feature in a person's vocabulary?

20 replies

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/09/2016 13:27

I have a cousin who doesn't seem to know the word "thank you". It gets on my tits. We buy for each others children (and it will be something she specifically wants as I asked beforehand and she does me) and I can physically hand the present over and she doesn't say thank you. I've passed stuff along, nothing. She got married this year, we all went, cash was given, as requested, I assumed for something like this we would definitely get a thank you in some form (I'm not fussy, a text would do) but nope, nothing at all. I find it so rude tbh.

I remember her being the same as a child and not being told to thank the sender of a present but I assumed as an adult, you kind of catch on that this is the done thing. Especially with something like a wedding!

She's not a horrible person or anything but this one thing really grates on me and it's just such bad manners.

OP posts:

Giratina · 13/09/2016 13:31

YANBU. My SIL never sends a thanks for presents for her kids, due to distance we sometimes have to post them if we won't see her before then and I never know if they've arrived safely or not, I don't like to text and ask in case she thinks I'm having a dig.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/09/2016 13:31

I have one relative and one friend who are exactly the same!! It's almost as if it's insulting to them to have to say thanks?! Pisses me off, actually.

90daychallenger · 13/09/2016 13:33

YANBU. I fucking hate people who can't say thank you. Me and DH send BIL and SIL's kids vouchers or presents every Xmas and birthday and get absolutely fuck all thanks for it.

citychick · 13/09/2016 13:40

YANBU at all.
My sil has form for this behaviour.
I actually have go fishing for thanks.
I send stuff, tell my mum I've sent stuff, then we all sit back and wait...and wait...and wait. Nothing.

Eventually I phone mum and ask if the birthday or whatever presents arrived....she knows they have. She asks sil and EVENTUALLY a thank you card is sent. To mums house. Then we arrive every summer (we live abroad) to find the note on the table in my old bedroom.

Such hard work. Really pees me off.

Original poster

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/09/2016 20:57

Glad it's not just me who thinks this. I was brought up in quite a strict household and manners were really really drummed in. It seems unthinkable not say thank you to someone who has given you something, but obviously there are quite a few out there!

OP posts:

Angiepoise · 13/09/2016 21:03

YADNBU

bringmeataco · 13/09/2016 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeadGood · 13/09/2016 21:37

bringmeataco this drives me mad too!

I actually said to someone "are you going to apologise?!" the other day (they did) because I had reached my limit of non-apology patience!

MatildaTheCat · 13/09/2016 21:42

Ive decided to stop sending gifts to the members of my family who never send thanks for gifts. It's just so bloody rude. Unfortunately it's not uncommon either.

One year I asked my db if the children had liked their gifts for Christmas and he looked blank and said he didn't really know what they were because they had so many presents. After that I always give them presents in person and prompt them to say thank you. Older DN have now fallen off my lists.

bringmeataco · 13/09/2016 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/09/2016 21:50

I would be very tempted to tell her that it is rude not to say thank-you for gifts etc, and if she doesn't mend her ways, you won't be giving any more presents.

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/09/2016 21:51

It's bad enough with written thanks, but at least that's more indirect - what I never understand is when you actually hand someone something and they just take it, without thanking you! This is the kind of automatic stuff that should be learned as children.

Pineapplemilkshake · 13/09/2016 22:04

YANBU. DP's family are terrible for doing this. I always get my DS to ring people to say thank you for gifts, or write a note. As I've got older I now have zero tolerance for this - a present that hasn't been acknowledged by the recipient will be the last one they will get from me.

KoalaDownUnder · 13/09/2016 22:10

Oh, the relative I was talking about does it face-to-face.

As in, you bring a birthday present to her house, she opens it in front of you and puts it to one side. Without ever saying thanks.

Fking blows my mind, but the tempting option (to stop giving her anything) would cause a family shit-fight. So here we are.

BlueThursday · 13/09/2016 22:12

Seems to be a thjng now. The last 3 weddings I went to (including my own brother's) I received no thank you

This year I've also had no thank you for an engagement gift and a kids birthday present

Original poster

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/09/2016 23:04

I find it pretty disgraceful how common this is. It is the high of rudeness to me, especially to hear that others have the same, no thanks as it's actually handed over!

I'd stop buying but she is one of the very few family members that does bother to buy for my DCs and makes an effort with it, so I put up with this huge flaw. The wedding money has pissed me off though.

OP posts:

Salutarychoring · 13/09/2016 23:34

YANBU. This is one of my bugbears too! It is so rude!

One close family member (and his family) are notorious for this. We've sent present after present (that they've requested) ie money to go towards a bike and never get a thank you or any feedback, never found out if bike was purchased in the end!

What took the biscuit this year is that their eldest sent me an e-mail requesting specific clothes for her present. (I wouldn't personally encourage my dd to do this as I'm a bit uncomfortable with people requesting presents but thought "fair enough, what she has asked for is fairly sensible" and e-mailed back that I was happy to oblige). Went to trouble of getting right thing, in right size, sent parcel etc and never heard a thing back! Had to enquire if parcel had arrived, and if clothes fitted, never got a thank you.

I don't blame the child because she is lovely but has never been taught properly to say thank you. I nearly started my own thread at the time, "Am I being unreasonable to think that if you allow your sixteen year old child to send their close relations an e-mail requesting presents which they then duly supply, that you can also teach them to send a one-line e-mail saying "thank you"?

To make matters worse, then then "forgot" my daughter's birthday and didn't even send a card.

I feel really petty ranting about it and tell myself it doesn't matter in the great big scheme of things, but it is actually quite hurtful to not receive thanks when you've made an effort. It's not a tit for tat about presents either, it's just that receiving a present, or receiving a thank you is a pretty good indicator of whether people give a shit or not I suppose.

I think this particular family do give a shit as it happens (when push comes to shove) but they are quite selfish and very focused on themselves and not on others. It's not just me in my family who thinks this way about them either, I regularly receive phone calls from other family members who are upset that they haven't received a thank you "again"!

SpringBail · 13/09/2016 23:42

YADNBU
Saying thank you whether you are the recipient of a gift or gift bearer is the polite thing to do. I was always taught to say thank you and it annoys me especially when you give someone a gift and they put it to the side unopened and not even a bloody thanks.

Pemba · 14/09/2016 02:16

I know thank-you letters can be a chore, and over the years (mainly as a child/teenager) if I''m honest I have occasionally been guilty of forgetting them myself. Much easier now there is texting and emails of course.

But wow I have never actually met anyone who wouldn't even say thank you when a gift was handed over in person. Guess my friends and relations are more refined than I thought! I would have thought it was just such a blindingly obvious thing to do, that anyone of normal intelligence would have picked it up themselves by the time they were adult certainly, even if they were badly taught as children.

Is this really a thing now? OP, I wouldn't be handing over any more presents to that branch of the family. They need to be made aware how rude it is.

CoverYourEarsTeam · 14/09/2016 03:59

Oh lordy, yes. My ILs have form for this. Years of gifts to young nieces and nephews (ranging from hand-me-down books on topics of interest to gifts for their own babies to cash for weddings), and not a single word of acknowledgement. These people mostly live in a different country and we usually have to chase to even find out if the gift has arrived, let alone get a thanks. I've given up now - which is more fuel for the family narrative about me and my DH never putting in any effort and being a bit "different" .
SIL takes the cake though. No thanks for a wedding gift voucher, just a blunt telephone inquiry about where the shop concerned could be found; no thanks for presents handed directly to her (and she didn't even open them, just tossed them casually to one side). Before I realised how shit she felt the relationship was, I gave them a massive moving box full of 10 years worth of gifts from BIL (DH's brother) to my own children, and family hand-me-downs such as hand-knits etc. She was pregnant with her first at the time. Her only response? "Do you want any of it back?" That should have been a warning, really.

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