AIBU in wanting the end of the meal ticket for life in this particular instance (or in finishing off all the DC's mini sugared doughnuts)?

[Artemisia48]

I find myself writing this post in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep and I am hoping that some MN's feedback will bring me some moral support -and writing this post will help me back to sleep -that and the doughnuts plus the large glass of Chardo no no no cup of organic herbal tea. Please bear with me if you can as I am gathering all the facts. I divorced the father of my 2 teenage sons 5 years ago very amicably no court involved and we have a great relationship, co parenting together. I am happily remarried with someone who also has 2 teenage children but went through a very bitter divorce court case. His ex doesn't work, is 8 years younger than us, got a very generous settlement (keeping the whole house mortgage free estimated at 1.8 mil.plus a lump sum so circa 2mil and a personal yearly maintenance until she is 65). Not mentioning children's maintenance because this is just normal. It left my DH quite worse off. At the time she was the RP looking after their 2 children (14 & 16) living next to their school in Kent whereas we are based in London; suffice to say, her attitude was always less than amicable and she never facilitated the children' visits. This year 2 things happened: In January my DH's son (16) chose to come and live with us, and in June his DD just left to go to Canada (Uni). We sold our previous property (which I loved) in January to move to another house closer to transport to facilitate my DH' s son's commute and had to take quite a large mortgage as we needed space for the 3 children who live with us for now most of the time. My ex husband and I both contribute equally to a joint budget for our sons but no one is giving the other any maintenance. I am about to start a new job after 3 years of free lancing because we need to pay off the mortgage and my eldest will start Uni next year. And the last straw came today, I have just learned that my DH's ex has now taken up golf and some unpaid local volunteering to fill up her days. My jaws just hit the floor... Surely now is the time for her to self fund whichever lifestyle she has chosen with the assets she was given and stop rely/ weigh on us? We work full time, look after our children and are happy to provide for them, moved house to accommodate the change of circumstances and still pay her the equivalent of a considerable salary (pre tax = my last full time salary approx £50.000). Surely this defies any kind of logic? Aer we still in the 50s or in 2016? In real terms she has become a millionaire when she got divorced and all she needs to do if she doesn't want to work is sell her 5.000 ft house, buy another (still very nice) one and live off her money?? AIBU in finding this meal ticket totally unfair in our circumstances? (Insert angry face). Thanks in advance for your replies.

Every situation is very different and it does change over time, so going back to court to have the situation reviewed sounds like a sensible move. My guess is there are many families (like mine!) who would be pretty thrilled to get a 50k pa income with 2 x full-time working adults, so some real life perspective is maybe needed here. FWIW my mother point-blank refused to consider work even once we had all started school, even though my dad was keen she did and supportive (practically as well as theoretically) and we really needed the money. SAHM are great but only if you have sufficient to get by on without a monthly crisis which was a regular feature of family life by my teens. And then she ran off with a more highly-paid man and still got the house (we had left home by then). So it's not always about 'sacrificing a career'.

I've found that following my dh here I've given up on my career. It does happen. I think that if we split up he should pay me maintenance until pensionable age, then I'd want my share of the pension. He might not like it, his future wife might not either. But I had a good job and tracheotomy, so if that's what a court has found to be fair just accept it and stop giving your dh a hard time. Be happy that you don't live here, wives and children are supported really well.

If it were you, would you say no? Or is it because he will pay his ex wife but you don't feel like he would pay you?

Dear All, I will now stop posting as it seems hard to have a rational debate on this topic, the facts aren't heard and I get tired of being flamed ...

BUT BEFORE I GO:
1- I am not a troll I promise you
2- I absolutely love the idea of the Jeremy Kyle show! -Yeah please Jezzer help me... :-)
3- shocking revelation beware, sensitive ears please switch off now: for some women being a SAHM is not a 'sacrifice' but a lifestyle choice! Not something my DH actually wanted when the children were older but he didn't impose anything on his ex although yes, he definitely would have had less financial pressure and more time at home. And sometimes as in this case it is actually a very comfortable choice - so for that to be enabled for ever simply because she drew a winning ticket in the marriage lottery? Who IBU?
4- please can we be grown up for a minute about living / working abroad and having children? During my first marriage I lived in the Czech Republic for 6 years, had my kids there and found some interesting work, as I said we were both working parents. It's not always possible indeed but very often it will be if you really want or try... I relocated to London after the CRep and guess what, I carried on working and I am a foreigner. I am more the rule than the exception, the majority of my friends live the same way. In my DH's case they relocated in the UK 15 years ago. His ex these days plays golf and does charitable work... Fine by me but not with our money.
5- inheritance was ring fenced as being a jointly owned family property abroad so quite normal I should think? All the rest of the marital pot pension included was split 50/50 so there.
6- last but not least, I promise you an update in a few months when we go back to court and I will share the results no matter what! I like a good closure like anyone else. And I will buy my round of popcorns for those of you who will tune in to the final episode or eat my hat on Trafalgar square if we lose the appeal.
And now I will scurry back to my hole and only post about teenage rage and bath mats!

It's not your money. It's her money.

Who do you even want to go to court over? Why are you fighting? Who are you fighting with?

Get a grip woman

You're still not being clear though about a point that makes probably hundreds of thousands of pounds of difference.

Yes, it's clear that the 50/50 split included the value of the pension. Which is normal.

What you are not answering, is whether the £2m (house + £200K) is the sum total of her 50%, or whether she also has a PSO (or an attachment order which is quite unusual these days) to come later on top of the £2m?

Or did he keep his actual pension intact, and that's why she's sat in the £1.8m house - because it's also her share of the pension.

It makes a BIG difference.

And my final word...

You're on here bitching about the amount of money - fine, your feelings - and honestly I'd feel similarly.

But it clearly doesn't bother your husband - you know, the one actually paying it - because he only waited 5 minutes before marrying you and taking the risk all over again.

So - my advice is to stop your sleepless nights and accept it was his choice, he married her, and chose the SAHM lifestyle. I said upthread - long term SAHM, trailing not working wife, golf and charity volunteering - it might not be your choice or my choice, but I bet you in your husband's old work and social circle, it's not unusual at all. He knew what he was getting into.

OP has failed to address most questions. She hadn't clarified any of the pertinent facts.

OP you need to accept that this is what she is entitled to ( as granted by court)

There is only one money grabbing women on this thread and that is you.

It is not YOUR money it is the X wife's. You are failing to cut your cloth and you are clearly bad at managing your finances.

OP for what it's worth I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time on this thread. In my (albeit limited) experience of mumsnet second wives and step mothers are frequently attacked and rarely acknowledged for the positive things that they do.
I agree with most of what you say. I think that the divorce laws in England are out dated.
My mother was a trailing spouse. My parents divorced after 12 years of marriage. She had never worked and had no qualifications. When my youngest sister went to secondary school my mum retrained and has recently retired. She is financially comfortable and secure. She is not as wealthy as she would've been had she received ongoing spousal maintenance but she is happier because she is independent. Being a wife and a mother to a man who had probably worked hard to achieve a well paid job does not entitle you to an income for LIFE. It does (and should) entitle your children to be financially secure while they are living with you and it should entitle you to a fair share of the marital assets but when the marriage ends the wife's contribution ends. Spousal maintenance should be short-term not for life.

Life can often seem unfair. It often IS unfair. Divorce settlements will never please everyone. But what is it that you want most?

So he got his fair 50% of a LOT, and a whole other (I'm guessing large) inheritance as well. And he;s fine with this, as he should be.

It's only you, OP, with the problem. Are your diamond shoes too tight as well?

Fluffy - the OP is fine with the 50:50 split - it's the ongoing maintenance she's not OK with.
This is a public forum where women come with a whole range of issues to hear the views of others. It's helpful to hear the opinions of others but I'd like to hope that (despite the poster being anonymous to us) we can maintain our dignity and restrain ourselves from being verbally aggressive to those from whine our opinions differ. Sadly this has not been the case on this thread.

It's not just the ongoing maintenance, it's that the ex doesn't even have the children living with her - one has left home and the other lives with the OP and her DH. The ex not only doesn't pay child maintenance, she actually receives spousal maintenance... The OP and her DH are perfectly within their rights to raise the change of circumstances in court and get this looked at again.

The OP and her DH are perfectly within their rights to raise the change of circumstances in court and get this looked at again

Then they, he, should do that. But does he want to, or is it just the OP?

She got her spousal maintenance fair and square, whether OP likes it or not.

Given that they are planning to go to court, I assume he is on board with it.

It is also possible to have an opinion on a judge's verdict and not agree that it's fair and square.

I think she should have received spousal maintenance for a fixed time to allow her to train for a job. With the kind of assets she has, no childcare responsibilities and £50k per year she could do tons of different types of training.

I am not convinced by any argument that she shouldn't have to earn a living now because she was a SAHM in the past.

Yes the judge gave her spousal maintenance, it doesn't mean that we can't debate the morality and fairness of that. What is legal is not at all the same as what is right.

I'm a second partner / stepmother though, so I probably have the money grabbing gene.

It is also possible to have an opinion on a judge's verdict and not agree that it's fair and squarE

If the only information you have is the short and biased comments of the OP, your opinion on the judges verdict is both pointless and silly.

Wow some truly bitchy posters on here! I honestly thought people on mumsnet were able to be fair, objective and actually listen to the OP.

I think there is something about entitled people, like the Exwife in this case, and bitchy posters that stinks of immaturity.

Ignore the playground bullies OP. I hope the court case goes well.

OP I get what you're upset about. I think on MN there's always going a bit of suspicion of women who live/work outside the norm, that is, as in independent woman, as you have and do. And working women are never allowed to question the choice of a woman to stay at home, even when her children are no longer living with her.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable to resent the way in which you and your family supports her lifestyle.

Of course wives of high flying men enable and facilitate their husband's careers, and often give up their own to do so. But there's a limit I think, once the wife is an ex-wife. The children of the marriage should not be affected materially, but I don't see why the ex-wife should expect maintenance for life.

But this is not a popular opinion, and I can see why. Women do often sacrifice a lot to facilitate their husband's career. That can be recognised in the divorce settlement. But there is a limit.

You're sound up and I'm sure you're actually quite reasonable. I understand your frustration. Personally, the best advice I ever got from high-flying female mentors was: Never give up your job.

Wow some truly bitchy posters on here! I honestly thought people on mumsnet were able to be fair, objective and actually listen to the OP

OP isn't fair or obective, is she? So your judgement is off from the start.

Fluffywuffy

If the only information you have is the short and biased comments of the OP, your opinion on the judges verdict is both pointless and silly.
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Oh the Irony is alive and well Hahahahaha