AIBU in wanting the end of the meal ticket for life in this particular instance (or in finishing off all the DC's mini sugared doughnuts)?

[Artemisia48]

I find myself writing this post in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep and I am hoping that some MN's feedback will bring me some moral support -and writing this post will help me back to sleep -that and the doughnuts plus the large glass of Chardo no no no cup of organic herbal tea. Please bear with me if you can as I am gathering all the facts. I divorced the father of my 2 teenage sons 5 years ago very amicably no court involved and we have a great relationship, co parenting together. I am happily remarried with someone who also has 2 teenage children but went through a very bitter divorce court case. His ex doesn't work, is 8 years younger than us, got a very generous settlement (keeping the whole house mortgage free estimated at 1.8 mil.plus a lump sum so circa 2mil and a personal yearly maintenance until she is 65). Not mentioning children's maintenance because this is just normal. It left my DH quite worse off. At the time she was the RP looking after their 2 children (14 & 16) living next to their school in Kent whereas we are based in London; suffice to say, her attitude was always less than amicable and she never facilitated the children' visits. This year 2 things happened: In January my DH's son (16) chose to come and live with us, and in June his DD just left to go to Canada (Uni). We sold our previous property (which I loved) in January to move to another house closer to transport to facilitate my DH' s son's commute and had to take quite a large mortgage as we needed space for the 3 children who live with us for now most of the time. My ex husband and I both contribute equally to a joint budget for our sons but no one is giving the other any maintenance. I am about to start a new job after 3 years of free lancing because we need to pay off the mortgage and my eldest will start Uni next year. And the last straw came today, I have just learned that my DH's ex has now taken up golf and some unpaid local volunteering to fill up her days. My jaws just hit the floor... Surely now is the time for her to self fund whichever lifestyle she has chosen with the assets she was given and stop rely/ weigh on us? We work full time, look after our children and are happy to provide for them, moved house to accommodate the change of circumstances and still pay her the equivalent of a considerable salary (pre tax = my last full time salary approx £50.000). Surely this defies any kind of logic? Aer we still in the 50s or in 2016? In real terms she has become a millionaire when she got divorced and all she needs to do if she doesn't want to work is sell her 5.000 ft house, buy another (still very nice) one and live off her money?? AIBU in finding this meal ticket totally unfair in our circumstances? (Insert angry face). Thanks in advance for your replies.

If it was the ExW on here saying 2 years ago my exDH went off dumping me and my teenage kids and we agreed a settlement which split our assets and because he had a massive pension which I agreed not to touch, and because I gave up my career to care for our children and allow him to travel with his job and build a highly paid career but now he wants to renege on that settlement we would be flaming him.

The OP was well aware of his financial obligations and it was always anticipated I would suggest that children would go to uni as the eldest has. The only change is the younger 16 year old now lives with them. The OP and her husband have then made decisions as to how they live their life (ie they chose to move to facilitate son's commute rather than move the child's school). This was their choice - not the exW.

As much as it must grate on the OP that there is this woman seemingly living off her DH the fact remains that she was his wife and the 20 years or so that they were together does count for something especially where the woman has given up their career for the benefit of that family.

If you don't want to take on this burden then second spouses should think about it when you are first loved up and what it means in the long term rather than accepting it at first but then growing to resent it.

He came as that package and not the package you'd rather he was. The settlement was 2 years ago. The exW's position probably hasn't changed that much in that she is probably even less employable than she might have been in that she is 2 years older.

Thanks a lot to all of you who took the time to read and respond. And thanks for the support it did brighten my day.

We are going back to court now that the change of circumstances can be established. Because bad luck, the court case took place in Kent and the judge was 60 something so old school old rules, totally shocking IMO.

Cabrinha you are correct, some of the story isn't told but I felt my post was going to read like a sodding novel... And yes you are correct I do feel sad about my old house, but eventually I will move on. The son simply can't stand his mums' attitude towards his dad and in general , he says that his mum "retired at 40"... Sad situation but she just brought this on herself. My new job will be great but I can't understand why out of 4 healthy and still young(ish) adults only 3 should work and one being paid? Yes it is my business because it is a joint budget and we both contribute and both pay the mortgage off. And the law also sees it that way because if we go back to court my own income will be taken into account in the financial disclosures. So yes it is my business and yes I am paying for her too.

• yes it is also true that my second husband makes way more money than me but I had equity (property) so I sold it to help buy the new house. But once the maintenance for the children is paid plus the spousal maintenance every month we live comfortably but no more, no silly sports car nor expensive holidays.

My husband has always been paying for the children's private education, everything and everyone since his ex never worked. And where is it written that having children awards you a salary?? I had 2 kids too and we were both working parents their dad and I. And we are now looking after all our children regardless of which child is whose, we are a family.

Para summed it all up for me: no marriage , in our generation, should be a meal ticket for life. I had nothing to do with their marriage crashing and we all have to move on in one, adjust, evolve, adapt. Which we all did except the ex! And this is where I am angry at her and at a justice system allowing such situations. She was seriously over housed already 2 years ago for 3 people and should have sold the house, period. But family law had long been twisted and still is. Makes me want to e petition , seriously.

HereIam20, what on earth are you banging on about?? Which guilt? I think I am reading something from 2 generations before!! My husband never abandoned anyone it was just a dysfunctional marriage, and not working outside was her choice and she had a very easy life excuse me. He did more than his financial duty by paying everything he could/can for his children and split all the assets including pension absolutely 50/50. So all we are asking is that she manages her share of assets independently without any spousal maintenance on top of it. I couldn't care less about the rest and as I said in my first post, I myself had a very respectful divorce and still am close to my ex husband. I am not the bitter one here...

You say you are comfortable with no luxuries. But private education is a luxury.
I agree with Hereiam20.
A judge over 60 may well be 'old school' but nine thr less they apply the law to any given situation. A judge will not force his ex to go back to work!

A 50/50 split is not old school

You need to stop with the "meal ticket for life" drama. She gets spousal until she's 65. Not for life. And she's already what - late 40s now?

They made a choice to get married. That's a contract. They made a choice to have a SAHP.

Your high earning husband doubtless massively benefitted from that.

Are we supposed to be impressed that he paid for private education for his own children? He wanted to, he could afford to. I don't doubt that as a high earner with kids at private school they were moving in social circles of a lot of SAHP. Yes, it's alien to me not to work and to you also - but you are berating this woman for doing something that I bet was very common and perfectly acceptable to him when he chose it. Divorce doesn't mean you can just duck out of the implications of it.

Oh you came back OP...

A 50/50 split is very fair for your husband and the spousal payment makes up for that.

I'm a SAHP, I gave up my career to raise our children, this allows DH to travel and work away earning 200k plus. He could not have earned this if I had gone back to work. He couldn't earn it now if I went back to work.

So if he leaves me it wouldn't be fair If he got 50%. What job could I get after not working for 15 years? Whilst he would continue to earn and only have to cover EOW in childcare.

You just seem obsessed with the meal ticket attitude, wanting the EW to give up her home because she is over housed ( that was the children's home, they shouldn't have to leave it)

If your husband got a 50% split then he also walked away with millions so what have you done with that? Why are you moving? I think that you need to manage your assets accordingly. She looks to be doing just fine.

Thinking about it, if the divorce pot was 4 million and she got 2 million as a 50% share. Had she been awarded 75% ( which wouldn't be that unusuall in the circumstances. ) that 25% she gave up was worth 1million.

So her 50k payments are that 25% just over a period of time.

Artemisia48

My husband has always been paying for the children's private education,

I argued in court that the schools fees were a mortgage on a lifestyle we had chosen, if was an ongoing expense and my exW needed to pay half of those fees in the form of having her lump sum reduced by the cost of half the fees. My ExW disagreed and I suggested I would just pay the school fees in a lump sum so the pot would be smaller anyway and was threatened with disposal of assets. When I explained that she wouldn't look good in court claiming that, when I explained the money had gone to ensure continuity of the kids education, she backed off a bit.

However I also discovered a legal precedent in Palmer vs Palmer in Circa 2002 which you should point your solicitor at.

Main question.... if she didn't have children or even marry him, what was her earning potential? Could she have had a career equal to or greater than his? Did she make sacrifices to support his career and raise their children which had a detrimental and long lasting impact on her own development?

I agree with the previous posters. She is getting what she is entitled to. If she gave up a career and enabled him to build his then she is getting what's due.

The meal ticket stuff needs to stop.
You knew I presume what you were getting into when you married this man. She was there first.

How she chooses to live her life is none of your business.

To others, spousal maintenance is most definitely still a thing. As it should be. If anyone has sacrificed a career and prospects nevermind a pension for years and endured the daily slog of the stay at home parent whilst their ex has carved a career etc. then they should be compensated accordingly.

Carefor a drink

This is all presupposing she did give up a career....

You are correct about looking after the kids she should be 'paid' for that however, she shouldn't be remunerated to the extent that once the kids leave home that her husband has to work to keep her, she must take some responsibility for her own livelihood. The amount of spousal maintenance should be tailored to account for her job having gone.

Besides I am a bit worried for this lady as if she is cut loose without a job at 65 she doesn't sound like she will survive on the state pension

Para

Yes I totally agree that once the kids are grown she must take some responsibility. I'm just always cautious that not enough recognition is given by some to the sacrifices stay at home parents often make only to look forward to an old age in poverty.

The father allows the son to speak so disparagingly about his mother? That's not on.

What about pensions? All of the financials will have been worked out in the name of fairness. Was there a cross over between you and the ex?

Witesender

Was there a cross over between you and the ex?

From OP's post

I had nothing to do with their marriage crashing and we all have to move on in one, adjust, evolve, adapt. Which we all did except the ex!

So you want to take her court appointed settlement from her so you can live on his money instead of her?
Nice.

You come across as money grabbing and jealous, that you don't get enough of your wealthy husbands money because its already owed elsewhere.

Fluffywuffy

Wow you sound like you have skin in this sort of game.

Court orders are a snap shot at a given time, they are perfectly legitimately altered as time and circumstances vary.

Not at all. Just sickened by the OP's attacking another woman in such a nasty way, all because she wants even more money. From the sound of it all parties are fierce wealthy already.

That is certainly one interpretation of the OP's post.

Well you went ahead and married a man who had this set up with his ex, in a very short space of time.

God knows why people insist on blending families so quickly. You should have stayed living separately and this wouldn't be your problem.