To be suddenly broody at 39?

[broodymare]

We have one DD aged 7. At that time DH was still studying, we had financial issues and having one child seemed to fulfil our desire to be parents. We had no particular desire to have more and then the window seemed to pass. We drew a line under it and were completely fine with that.

Just recently I am having major doubts. I feel very bad that I haven't given DD any siblings as both DH and I are very involved with our own families. We are in a much better situation now financially and could easily afford another child (we would have been extremely stretched 3 or 4 years ago).

AIBU to be ridiculously broody and to just go for it? I'm aware my fertile window is getting smaller with the years and that this could be the last chance we have. Would I be mad to go back to the square one of sleepless nights and nappies? Has this happened to anyone else and did you get over it or go for it?

Average age to conceive twins is about 38 ... just saying!

Personally I couldn't. You are just getting your life back!

Siblings are overrated anyway. It's the excuse broody women use to have another. A lot of siblings hate each other.

Don't get all excited by mumsnet until you know what your partner thinks.

A friend of mine was about your age with a 8 year old when she had her second. Her little girl unexpectedly (because nothing came up on screening) had Downs. I don't get the impression they regret their choice but life did suddenly get much harder and will stay harder. Those siblings get on well, but rather than easing the potential burden of sorting out elderly parents there's a fair chance the eldest will have to take some responsibility for her little sister.

One of my best friends has a sister two years older and a brother ten years younger and they have always got on well and spend a lot of time together as adults.

When I was slightly older than your daughter, I had a 'suprise sibling'. It wasn't great. Everyone thought it would be 'so sweet to have a little baby to play with', but I was just starting to explore more independence, and suddenly I needed to help with bottles and nappies. Never had a 'proper' relationship, as with my other siblings. I was either seen as the grumpy teen or the 'other adult'. I think my youngest sibling suffered for it to be honest (no 'playmate', couldn't join in with what their older siblings were doing, a bit spoiled).

I have a baby now, my partner is just restarting his career so we're a bit skint. However, I have put my foot down and said if a sibling doesn't turn up within the next 4 years, then it's not happening. My partner, who had a much older sibling, absolutely agrees. Of course, this is just my experience. I would also have slight concerns about your age, of course being older can cause more health issues for yourself and any conceived baby, would you be prepared for that?

I have a 14 year age gap between my two boys. Had my first when I was 22, my marriage failed, life was very difficult and I thought that was it on babies. I met dp when my son was 7 and neither of us felt any urgency to have kids for a long time.

Anyway, ds2 is 6 months old and he brings joy to the entire family. The first things ds1 said when he saw him was, 'look how beautiful he is'. They do not have a relationship where they play together, of course not, but they love each other and have each other for life.

Anyway, anyone who has a baby to provide a sibling is taking a risk as siblings often don't get on regardless of the age gap. But if you want another child in your family then go for it - it's easier the second time round. You may even get a baby who sleeps! (Disclaimer - I did not).

If you wait a bit that feeling will probably go away.

Ds will be 6 when number 2 arrives in November! I'm 37 and suddenly had an overwhelming urge like you op. I posted about the age gap in pregnancy and received some really lovely, reassuring replies (the baby is much wanted, I was having a wobble about returning to newborn days!) There's also a 40+ thread which you might find useful.

Ironically I conceived a lot quicker this time (3 months) than before (2 years - I have pcos). We basically decided I'd come off the pill and let fate take its course - no pressure. We just had fun and lo and behold I'm now 7 months pregnant! If you both want it, go for it!

Do it ... we tend not to regret the things we DO rather the things we DON'T do.
I wanted a third child, DH (now ex) said he wouldn't support me, so I didn't do it but feel there was definitely a third child in me and often regret not just going ahead anyway.
The days of nappies and sleepless nights will end ... everything passes in time.

Don't do it out of a sense of duty to your 7 year old.

39 isn't too old by any means but it may take a little longer than it did the first time obviously, and the risks are greater.

Bear in mind that your DC is getting more independent. When he starts secondary school, that independence level will rocket, but you'd still have a needy pre-schooler to deal with whilst many of your "school-parent" friends would be enjoying a bit more freedom.

Speaking as someone who had DD2 at 29, and DD3 at 2 weeks short of 39, I can't reeaaally lecture you... so it's not a no from me, obviously. If you have discussed it at length with your DH and are aware of all the pitfalls, then go ahead, if you both really want it. Although be prepared for it not to happen, and how you'd feel then.

Do what feels right for you, not what is right or wrong for others. For some it will be perfect for others a slog. I have an 11 year old ( at secondary) and an eight year old, I am 39 and due another in Dec, both of mine are gaining more independence, especially the older one, but I don't expect either of them to help, it was our choice not theirs and therefore we should do the work. Incidentally there is three years gap between me and my older sibling and seven years between me and my youngest sibling, I am close to both and have always been so, so age gaps don't really come into for me, more personality, but that is my life and not yours, you need to do what is right for you and your dh.

"but I don't expect either of them to help, it was our choice not theirs and therefore we should do the work."

This +++++. Teenagers are far too busy studying, socialising and being mardy to act as unpaid childminders. DD3 is our child, our responsibility.

Only do it if you're 100% committed to doing all the work yourselves (not expecting older siblings to help/ babysit unless it's their genuine choice) and if you're also prepared to work at not compromising things for the older siblings.

We wanted 3 and had them close together within 4 years of each other. I have a couple of friends who had a third child after a longish gap, and tbh they've had their struggles. The early months were ok as it was new and exciting but they did admit that when the older ones were 10/12 and there was a toddler running round, things got harder. It sometimes seemed the older two were missing out on activities because days out, and evening routine focused more on the toddler. I have one set of friends who handled this situation really well, with one parent doing stuff with the older ones and the other doing toddler stuff at weekends, which meant the older ones weren't compromising their lifestyle. I suppose the down side was less whole family stuff... But it seemed to work for them.
Personally I can't imagine anything worse than going backwards after getting a taste of independence and getting my career back on track! I'm sure if I'd had a 'later baby' I'd have loved him or her because that's what you do as a parent, but I'm not sure it would have been ideal.

But ultimately do what you and your dh want. Just make sure you really want another addition to your family- not just another baby because babies grow up, and not on the assumption it will necessarily have a strong bond with your other child

I have a dsd who is 16 and great with 5yo ds. She's always offering to look after him. And ds is really looking forward to helping with his new baby brother or sister. Involve them from the start and I'm sure they can be a real help. I'm really positive about the age gap precisely because ds is a lot more independent and has had such a long time with one on one attention from dh and I. There's a 7 year age gap between dsis and I and we're incredibly close.

They might hate each other...

"They might hate each other..."

You could argue that about any sibings, with any age gap.

No one would really go ahead and plan a baby at 39 because a load of strangers on the internet said " do it " would they?

No one would really not go ahead and plan a baby at 39 because a load of strangers on the internet said " don't do it " would they?

Thanks for all your replies. I plucked up the courage to float the idea, in a very hypothetical way, with DH last night. Like me, he has concerns about us being older and the increased risk of problems. Even if I conceived now I would be 40 having the baby. He also suggested that getting a kitten or puppy might be easier! We need to both do some thinking for a while and then reach a decision to either try for another one or accept things as they are. I wont base the decision on mumsnet but it is very helpful to hear peoples thoughts.

I'm 39 and nearly 99 percent sure u want another baby but it is hard as career is just getting back on track we are getting independence back and finances getting better ( ds1 is 3.5)
Can I put myself through it all again and also am worrying about health implications we are so lucky ds1 is happy and healthy will we be so lucky again? Also worrying about increased risk of multiples with age. Can maybe cope with one more but certainly not two! X

I want another baby not u want another baby sorry for typo!

Fortunatepiggy those are the exact thoughts I am having. Should I just be grateful and happy with what I have rather than risking all of the what-ifs? On the other hand, should I let fear hold me back? I guess its a process everyone has to go through when making a decision but the odds do change with age. And I found out that the statistics are based on the age you are when the baby is born, not conceived, so that already puts me forward almost a year! I hope you can come to a decision you feel at peace with. For what its worth, I wish I had done this when my firstborn was about 3.5 years.

I just turned 39 and have an almost 7 year old. She was very premature and is visually impaired so we delayed having more, but I always wanted more. Now that we are more settled we are finally the end I may be pregnant now (missed period!). I say go for it, my theory is that I would regret it if I didn't at least try.