To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[cavkc123]

Some friends of ours just knew that her DM was going to be like this about every tiny detail ... so they told her that they were arranging the engagement party first and would THEN start discussing the actual wedding.

The engagement party was at a lovely hotel and when we got there, it wasn't an engagement party, it was a wedding ... apart from the best man and her bridesmaid no one had a clue!

[The80sweregreat]

This would make a wonderful film, your mum would be played by Meryl streep. She would see the error of her ways eventually and let you and your hubby have the day you want after lots of soul searching of course. Or you could write a blog about it all!
She sounds lovely, but you do need to curb all this. It will only lead to friction if you dont.(I would also spend 10 k on something else too and have a cheaper do! ) its one day. The other days and years are much harder going and far more important.

[Xocaraic]

She seems to believe her contribution is a way to buy influence on your wedding arrangements. You need to tell her straight what you and you HTB would like in terms of her help and/or guidance. Don't let this go on any longer, it will only solidify her behaviour/ understanding of her role in your day.
If she mentions the money in any way that signals her intention to have a say over important parts of your day, things that you know would make you miserable when you look back in say 20 years, you may need to consider rejecting the monetary gift. There is no such thing as a free lunch!
An IL of mine allowed her MIL to arranger most of her wedding (money was King) and she desperately regrets allowing that to happen and says categorically she did not get her idea of a Lovely wedding. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Weddings are extraordinarily stressful so stop this stress before it takes root!

[Flisspaps]

I know you say this is semi light hearted but you need to nip this in the bud now, otherwise in a few months you'll be posting about how your mother and her control freak ways are ruining your wedding and you and DP are on the verge of splitting up.

It might seem a bit eye-rolling-but-amusing now, but 18 months is a long time to have to put up with this.

Will you pick your dress or will you have a shortlist of mum-approved styles to choose from?

Will she pick your bridesmaids?

Who has the final say on the readings and the hymns?

Will you pick your own rings or will your DM join you to pick those?

Will there be a wedding night questionnaire which you have to complete to rate your new husband's prowess?

[SandyY2K]

Oh my. Some of you have had a real time of it with MOBzilla.

My parents paid for our wedding reception, but my Mum wouldn't have dreamed of doing the organising.

I very much have to be in control of my events and especially my wedding.

Good luck OP.

[MontyPythonsFlyingFuck]

Probably the best wedding I ever went to (at least 15 years ago, yikes) was spookily similar to what you want, OP - church hall next to the church with banners printed with sunflowers, food catered by the local pub, booze courtesy of a couple of serious trips to Calais, etc. And the bride (who was a teacher) ran a pub quiz as part of the reception. And the groom (who was not a teacher) spent about an hour of the first day of his married life marking quiz papers. We all said "Welcome to A's world, M." It was brilliant fun.

[LaPampa]

OP your mum sounds lovely, as do you.

I think she could actually make a fantastic wedding planner for you. She sounds like she has amazing organisational skills and just as long as she is planning the wedding you and your husband to be would like, I don't see any problem with her being the one to do all the leg work if you're all happy with that.

Obviously if she starts imposing her taste on it that becomes an issue (like I had with my mother) but it is possible to have someone else plan an event to your taste not theirs.

[littleprincesssara]

Crying laughing at Springtime for Hitler themed wedding.

Your mum can adopt me if she likes, op.

[itlypocerka]

Arriving late to this thread, didn't notice it sooner.

Having RTFT I see that you are graciously going along with your mum's insanity. Can I just ask you to reconsider the cupboard option?

Go and look back at your OP - this will end in tears with her thinking that having done all this work for you helping organise your wedding and putting in a lot of the money, she now deserves power and control that you don't want to give her.