To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[Mcchickenbb41]

Why does the scene in the film weird science spring to mind, where the gp are frozen in the cuboard

[GerdaLovesLili]

Cupboard.
Elope.
Pub plus fun.
Your own Passive Agressive Pinterest board.

My mother tried this with us. I wouldn't have minded but as we were both over thirty and were paying for it with our own money it didn't fly.

She tried to get us married from her house... but as I had never lived there (she moved down to Dorset when she retired), none of our friends lived there, nor ever had, and as Beloved Spouse did have close links with the rather lovely Pugin Chapel we wanted to get married in she didn't get her own way.

(She still booked the reception at the Country Club for the Friday closest to the Saturday that we wanted to get married on "because it was such good value" and then sulked when we booked what we wanted on the date we wanted it.)

[brodchengretchen]

Essentially your DM has 'bought' the right to organise your wedding, OP?
On what basis would your DP give you money towards you wedding and let you do it yourself? Or is that deal not on the table?

[SnakeWitch]

I think they get carried away. My mum was trying her hardest not to but she couldn't help it, one day she said 'oooh, let's get the bridesmaids some lace gloves'.

[CodyKing]

Wait till the babies arrive -

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

My mum helped me plan my wedding. What we did was I have her 3 theme ideas, romantic pastel/ 20's glamour/ festival for example and she came back with some lovely presentations which helped me pick what I wanted.

When the wedding got closer we asked for "help" with various things like... The order the music should be on our mingling playlist, what kind of welcome drinks we should have, and making place cards (that one was brilliant as I had a very specific idea and she was terrified of getting it wrong so it took her ages)

Could you do something like that to distract her?

[dodobookends]

How about getting every single wedding magazine you can lay your hands on, some scissors and a crate of Pritt sticks, and ask her to start making scrapbooks... one for cars, one for table decorations, one for cakes, one for bridesmaids' headdresses, you name it, because there's so much choice mum and I simply can't decide and it would be so much better if I could see pictures of things side by side. When you've finished, we can sit down and go through them all together

That should keep her occupied for a while [grin

[blueskyinmarch]

This is hilarious and your DM sound bonkers. At least you can see the funny side. I do hope you can maintain your sense of humour over the next 18 months!

DH and i have been married 31 years now and I think my DM organised most of our wedding. I picked my dress and flowers. I also picked the venue on the basis that it had a massive dance floor! I think she sorted the cars, cake and the photographer. She and her friend did the catering for the evening do and they made all the table decorations. It all worked out just fine and was not stressful in the slightest.

[MrsSpenserGregson]

My mother did this. Turned into Mumzilla overnight.

She and my dad were paying, so they controlled EVERYTHING. Sixteen years later it still pisses me off.

At one point she shrieked down the phone at me, "It's a wedding, for the family. It's not a party for you and your friends. You'll have the guests I want, not the ones you want."

FFS.

DH were really not arsed about what type of wedding we had, as we just wanted to be married to each other, so we let her organise the wedding she wanted. But it was a massive overstepping of boundaries and I wish I'd sorted it out properly at the time.

Sort it out now, OP, while you have the chance.

[takesnoprisoners]

If you are not too bothered about what happens in terms of ceremony hand it all over to her and just turn up on the day like I did Or, take charge and draw up a list of things that needs doing and delegate some to her so she doesn't feel left out. Things like conversation with the caterer, Booking the venue that you have chosen etc. Or Get a wedding planner, tell her exactly what you want and get your Mum to play with the planner. Failing all this here, have some you need it more than me :)

[WindPowerRanger]

You're a better woman than me, OP. I would have blown up at the sight of the clipboard, or at the very least, telephoned my father and hissed "Rein her in NOW, or she DIES!"

My mother did try this with my sister-weird insistence on inviting ancient side-kicks of my grandmother and on obscure traditions, but my very nice BIL told her if she muscled in one more time, he and DSis were eloping. That stopped it.

And a friend of mine told his sister's MILzilla that no, she couldn't have the county magazine covering the wedding, and he would be waiting at the bottom of the drive with his shotgun in case she tried to do it behind his back!

You are going to have to say something fairly direct, I think. Tell her you and your DP are going to organise it (whisper with lots of face-pulling that your DP has Strong Views) but of course, you want and need her to be involved. Let her think you need her to keep the peace between you and DP, you and sister, you and everybody and will be appealing to her wisdom whenever discord descends. That might placate her and help her adjust to the fact she will not be taking the lead.

[IJustLostTheGame]

Have fun with it OP.
Send her to investigate these places

www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/planning/venues/15-haunted-wedding-venues-for-halloween/20187.html

Hopefully she'll be so spooked by something she'll stay well out of it

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I've never been married but the thought of organising one makes me feel ill. If someone would organise it for me I would be very grateful but obviously would want input, especially on the dress! She's just excited, which is lovely really, but I understand how it's annoying if you want to organise it yourself.

[IceBeing]

massive potential for telling DM you want really REALLY crazy things at your wedding....this will be a) funny and b) she will probably let you have what ever you want when you back down from insanity.

I'll start the bidding at: A live dove for each guest to take home...possibly with a diamante collar withe the guests names on.

[AnnieOnnieMouse]

Whatchamcallit has the very best advice.
However, we paid for our DD's wedding, and had no say at all, which hurt. I was even told off for popping to the florist to check my outfit didn't clash with the flowers. It was awful. (She's now with someone wonderful) If you can find time and energy to at least involve your mum in some of the dress hunting, table dressing decisions, etc, then it would be kind. However, don't let her ruin the day. My mum paid for and organised my first wedding, and I didn't mind too much, as it was the norm in those days. A few years later DH and I organised and paid for our own wedding, and that was much better.
Make it clear to her that you do understand her enthusiasm, but that if she doesn't rein that in, then you will sort it and pay for it yourselves.
She is right about getting whatever venue booked early, tho.

[BiddyPop]

I do recall coming off the phone and walking across the hall to the loo to cry on a daily basis when my wedding was coming up - 2 girls (my boss and my sidekick) took it in turns to follow with tissues. DPs only told us the week before that they were paying for it all (we expected to, and had saved to, and had booked a really really cheapie honeymoon because the wedding and a new house purchase had us smashed!).

We had the flowers DM wanted, she chose my dress in the 1 shop we went to, she vetoed me having a coloured stole that I wanted, she decided which DSis would be BM and that she'd wear her Debs dress, we'd use DF's car, we'd have X music, they were inviting X number of their friends (to a wedding that we didn't invite any of our friends or work colleagues as we wanted a family only event!).....the whole shebang.

However, DH and I weathered the storm and are still happy Y years later. It's something that we sometimes laugh at, sometimes growl about, but always agree that our 2nd wedding (to each other) will be arranged by us to suit ourselves

[plutoisnotaplanet]

Thanks guys

Spoke to DM on the phone and told her we want village hall and a church, sunflowers and a rustic, home made feel to the whole day...

Pinterest board was busy filling up less than 15 minutes later with some really lovely stuff and she's currently ringing round all her retired friends asking if they know of any nice halls

She's lovely, she really is and I do appreciate the excitement... I may have to burn the clipboard while she's not looking though....

[WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup]

My MIL did this right down to organising viewings THE DAY AFTER we got engaged!!! She ruined our wedding. She made it so stressful we actually almost split over it! One of my biggest regrets is not telling her to back off from the outset. You have to do it op.

[altiara]

Well done OP, I was going to suggest you had a think about what you wanted before the crazy got to you and you eloped as long as you make decisions it sounds like you mum will have fun following through like a wedding planner like others suggested. Have fun

[Cyclingforcake]

I've got a mother just like yours. They wanted to pay for it which actually meant control it. After at least three daft conversations and her trying to shoehorn me into completely inappropriate dresses we cancelled the wedding and we remain in non-wedded bliss. Sorry that's not much help if you actually want to get married.

[NotCitrus]

I'm having flashbacks here... though my mum swore blind she just wanted to give us a cheque and let us organise it, but then her colleagues all got at her and persuaded her she had to become MoBZilla.

Short version: we should have said no and just had a do in a pub as we'd planned before they paid for the wedding venue of our dreams. MIL and I bonded hugely over it at least - she called me to say "Did you know, NC, your mother really is quite bonkers?" Yes, MIL. Yes I did!

Also be aware that if you ask for crazy things, she may deliver. Friend ended up going to the church on an elephant, having figured no way would FIL be able to get hold of one for the purpose in middle England...

[altiara]

You couldn't post a picture of the bride on elephant could you? It is my birthday

[domesticslattern]

Notcitrus I insist on seeing the bride on an elephant picture please!!

[NotCitrus]

Sadly no, but if you took typical bridal couple, a smallish elephant, and photoshopped them into a typical crappy sub-prime English high street you'd get the idea.

They got divorced. Suspect the ILs might have been a factor.

[Dinosaursgoboo]

My Mum (now 62) had a horrible wedding organised (only just as she didn't approve of my Dad, so was trying to ignore it) by my grandmother. DM then tried to get her chance at organising a wedding by having mine. They were paying and i was only 22 so she got her day. Was pretty miserable, though, and it took a couple of years for me to feel like speaking much to her again. Please do make sure this doesn't happen to you!