To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[Slackalice42]

My Mother tried to take me hostage with the money canon too! I feel your pain! The only thing to do is choose a venue she will utterly hate - I got married in a gin distillery and all the guests had to be 'earthed' before they went in, in case a spark blew the place up it was utterly fabulous!!!

[keepingonrunning]

Cupboard.

It will get worse.

And congratulations!

[whattheseithakasmean]

My mum pretty much organised my wedding, because I was too busy & didn't give a shit, frankly. I just wanted to get married to the man I love, I didn't care where or when, so she had a ball arranging everything & DH & I just had to turn up, really. If she is paying, even better, I'd just let her crack on & go with the flow. Weddings mean fuck all, anyway, it is the marriage that counts (although I would never marry a man that asked for my dad's permission, that is so many shades of wrong. I am laid back about stupid flowers & dresses, but I wouldn't take that crap from any man).

[justilou]

This is hilarious and very familiar. We met in August and were engaged on Christmas Eve - so nobody (especially me) was expecting news of an engagement. My husband dropped in on my dad (who was hiding from Mum's Christmas cooking extravaganza) and told him that he was going to ask me to marry him. (Smart guy didn't ask for permission because he knew my policy on that one!) Dad was thrilled and said "That's great, but what if she says "No"? She has before, you know!" - obviously I said yes. When Dad told Mum just before dinner, she was so shocked, she couldn't speak. (We are still not sure if she was happy or not!) Anyhow, as I said, that was Christmas Eve. On JANUARY 2ND we went out for my aunt's birthday, and someone asked when we were planning to get married. Before I could answer (dunno yet...) my Mum piped up with "Oh, I meant to tell you that I've put a deposit down for X Venue on September 15th!" My husband and I had joked between ourselves about eloping for precisely this reason - I looked at him and he nodded and winked at me before turning to Mum and said "Well I hope it's refundable because we're getting married in (remote tropical town in Australia). She lost interest in almost everything after that. (To be fair, my father was visibly relieved and showed me the GIANT PALE PINK FRILLY DRESS she'd bought me and hidden in her cupboard. It was never mentioned.

[justilou]

Oh, and when first grandchild was born and MIL was babysitting for the first time, Mum piped up with "Why??? I'm more her grandmother than SHE is!!!"

[AudreyBradshaw]

"I've been saving for this since the day you were born!" Was what my Mam said. She organised and paid for my wedding. I let her. There was a lot of lemon yellow but we had a lovely day. I was shitfaced by the end of it, had a whale of a time. She's cracking at organising things my Mam though. This was last year. Sorted the whole thing in 4 months. Garden party, church, champagne, posh bbq, done.

Now we're onto grandchildren, I'm 30 weeks. It's been slightly more of a collaboration what with me being the one actually carrying the child in my person, but once it's born, the gloves will be off

[Bearcats]

Bahaha this has really amused me. I have a very similar MumZilla situation.

She tried to book singing waiters, had to be talked down from that one by my Dad as she was convinced they'd be brilliant. She's gone wedding mad.

The other day I went over and she produced a solar powered light up mason jar "for the wedding". When I asked her exactly what for the wedding she didn't know, she just liked it. Turns out there's a whole wardrobe of weird mismatched shit she's seen and stashed. Don't know how I'm going to gently let her down

[AudreyBradshaw]

The other day I went over and she produced a solar powered light up mason jar "for the wedding". When I asked her exactly what for the wedding she didn't know, she just liked it. Turns out there's a whole wardrobe of weird mismatched shit she's seen and stashed.

That brings back memories! "It will be eclectic, Audrey! Different centre pieces on each table and focal points around the room!"

[plutoisnotaplanet]

Mother has reached new levels of bat shit.

She "popped round" last night, clipboard tucked under her arm like a pissing police truncheon...

She's off on holiday for a month with my DF but has scheduled no less than 12 VENUES myself and DP have to attend in her stead... 3 per Sunday for the next 4 weeks

She has produced a PRINTED list of 38 questions for us to ask with little yes/no boxes to tick and even a "Useful Comments" section on the bottom of each page... She has also included a glossary at the back of the bunch of papers with a list of what constitutes a "useful" comment.. I have included this list for your amusement:

If the venue is light and airy, dark etc. The FEEL of the venue overall

Carpet colour and any wall patterns, will they match the theme? (WHAT THEME?? WE HAVE A THEME??)

Architectural points of interest, vaulted ceilings, extra rooms etc

Does DP like the venue?

Will DP's parents like the venue?

There is no question as to whether I like the venue though

We are expected to complete these forms at each venue visit, take a photo of the completed form and send it to her via facebook messenger while she's away....

To be fair to her, all the venues look great and are in line with what we told her we wanted so she is listening....

Good ideas for what to write in the comments boxes please Mumsnet.... GO!

[ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe]

Who let her out of her cupboard?

[RandyMagnum]

Bat. Shit. Motherfucking. Crazy.

[GerdaLovesLili]

Pluto, you weren't supposed to climb into the cupboard with her!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

If these places have websites, take photos/download the photos to send on to her.

Have a look at some of these venues online and if any of them really pique your interest, visit them and only them.

Then send your DM the forms with responses like "Didn't think there was enough parking so didn't stop to visit" and tell her to jog on.

Unless there is a Wedding Fair taking place in these locations (where loads of wedding related vendors flog their wares) I wouldn't go.

Perhaps book tickets to the huge Bridal fair that takes place annually in London (if it's convenient to you) and bring her along on the day. Tell her that is all you're going to do for the time being as you have other commitments pulling on your time.

[dodobookends]

Comments:

Not enough Ladies' toilets
Don't like the waitresses' uniforms
Tried the coffee and not good enough quality
Dusty skirting boards
Carpets won't match the shoes you've got your eye on
View out of the windows not picturesque enough
Giant oak tree will get in the way of the wedding photos
A pothole in the car park
Lake in the grounds didn't have swans on it

That should do for starters

[SlimCheesy2]

You know, I'd be tempted to let her get on with it and just turn up on the day.

[RandyMagnum]

I'd just tell her to back off and the instance she used the money as her bargaining chip, I'd say actually you're not paying for it, we are. I'd sooner get into debt and pay for my own wedding than be under someone's thumb and have them calling all the shots, then likely reminding you and guilt tripping you about how gracious and generous they were for paying for an organising your wedding, for the rest of their lives. We're paying for our own wedding incidentally, and neither of our parents would ever behave like what the OP's has.

[PikachuBoo]

You need a good strong cupboard. With a hatch, you don't want to starve them.

[Vvlgari]

MIL tried to get involved with organising ours, and we even had a wedding planner. She wanted something way more traditional that we were going for and kept insisting we had to have all the trappings.

When we said no, she'd then say 'how about if I pay for it, you can have it then'. DH told me she was on the brink of ordering a massive cake after she decided in her own head that the reason we weren't having one was because we couldn't afford it and she would 'surprise' us with it. She made a list of all the relatives she wanted us to invite, which was all extended families. Then she wanted to invite all her friends (who are legion). DH did tell her to back off in the end but it was a bit of a mare for a while.

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

Oh OP, I feel for you, my MIL actually cried over venues because we weren't thinking about what she wanted and my mum had already spoken to her parish priest before we'd even got engaged (I'm a bad Catholic and had already moved in with DH and had a baby).

I'd go with the cupboard.

[Vvlgari]

Oh yes, I nearly forgot that we were told what venues and where we could have our wedding to accommodate specific relatives.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

For anyone getting the wrong impression (i had a PM from a lady very concerned about my abusive Mum!), this is all (semi) lighthearted from me

I'm very, very used to my lovely Mum and she has ALWAYS been this way. On my first day of school we had a "practice" run on the night before where we had to get up and ready in 30 mins as if we were about to go to school and she stood by the car with a stop watch like a fire drill we still rib her about it mercilessly

Also, when I was 8 I started going to Brownies.. she decided the way the leaders were doing thing was far too relaxed and disorganized (turning up late, leaving kids unattended etc etc) and it bugged the hell out of her.. so she joined as a parent helper and 5 years later was district commissioner She's still doing Brownies now and as you can imagine she's awesome at it.

She's completely bat shit and her entire life revolves around lists, rotas and planning. As a result she had an incredible career and provided me and my sister with a wonderful upbringing that I'm incredibly grateful for :) She's also very self aware and knows her way of doing things isnt normal, but she's in her 60's now and she's never going to change!

She's also utterly brilliant in a crisis and is terrifying to the under 10's and over 18's alike

But yes, she's a nightmare and like a dog with a bone when she's got hold of a project

[plutoisnotaplanet]

dodobookends absolutely fabulous suggestions, I'm loving the swans!

[plutoisnotaplanet]

SlimCheesy2 that would be more than tempting if it wasnt for the fact that her fashion sense and general taste paused in 1987 when my sister was born and never seemed to catch up again

[CodyKing]

Pick a small venue

• room for bride and groom only
• provide witnesses off the street
• total cost £500
• bride comments - perfect
• DG comments - excellent

[BaggyCheeks]

Comments:
Men's toilets contain portal to another dimension.
Bar manager looks like ex-boyfriend's dad.
Curtains are the same colour as my hair - will look bald in photos.
The main hall has views over a landfill.
Ghostly wailing noises coming from under the dance floor.