To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[plutoisnotaplanet]

Rubies12345... huh....

This all makes a lot more sense now I know MOB's organising the whole thing is actually tradition and not just the pipe dream of my psychotic mother

I think if I steer her with things like "this church and a village hall" or "this kind of building", she'll stick to our wishes, i think she's just OTT at the moment!

[Lancelottie]

Diddl, it was!

[plutoisnotaplanet]

CoraPirbright haaa no, tears and dramalamas doesnt work with my Mum! She'd tell me to pull myself together and stop being daft!

[dowhatnow]

Tell her some outrageous ideas/themes that you would love for your wedding, (bikes and leathers, fancy dress medieval etc) listen to her ideas then compromise on something you actually like. She'll be so relieved that she has managed to talk you out of your far out wedding, that she'll agree to anything remotely sensible.

[stealthsquiggle]

If your DSis is having so much fun at your expense, let her and DM go ahead - but make sure DSis understand that this is a purely fictional wedding that they are planning, while you will, in your own good time, organise the real one yourselves.

[dowhatnow]

Send dsis some picures of bridesmaid outfits you'd like her to wear.

[annandale]

Oh yes, in traditional world MOB is the organiser, MOB and FOB are the hosts. Hence old world invitations 'Dr and Mrs Ishun request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Trad Jane Mary-Lou Ishun to John Just-Standing-There'. Guests contact MOB for info on presents and all responses go to them too. On the positive side, so do the bills.

Beware - we were aware of the tradition but being considerably over 30 and not even thinking that this would have any relevance, we started planning a small wedding, register office, restaurant kind of deal. To be informed by my PILs that they had already invited 10 of their friends, they really could do with at least another 20, how many places were they allowed? When we protested slightly, they said 'well we can't let them down now'. We ended up with a massive shindig which I rather wanted anyway which, note, we were paying for most of (to be fair, they paid for booze and flowers which were both substantial bills).

My niece has recently got married and coped with all parental requirements by simply refusing to make a decision until she was ready. Worked rather well and I note she got her own way on every decision... Though tbh it sounds like your mother would just book it!

You could go either way - just sit back and let her run it - 'whatever you think mum we don't mind' or put the brakes on now and ask her to take her time as you are not even sure what kind of wedding you are thinking about now.

[diddl]

Perhaps you can ask her to find out some availability & prices for places you are interested in?

But no arrangements to visit!

If you are getting married at one place & reception at another it can be a real pita getting the two you want-depending on the time of year.

That said we had a July wedding-got engaged in the Jan of the year before & the places we looked at were available when the church we wanted was.

[sleepyhead]

My mum did the lion's share of organising ours when I look back. She enjoyed it and dh & I are not really that bothered about how things should be so I was happy to be presented with options and make a decision based on those.

We had some things that were important to us (guest list, music) so we did that bit and my mum organised venue/cakes/food/dresses etc (obv with some input..)

We had a fantastic day. Really relaxed. She loved it.

Talking about it afterwards, her mum planned my mum's wedding within an inch and she didn't get much of a say, and her mum didn't get the wedding she wanted because it was war time and there was no money/materials so she was reliving her dream wedding through my mum's.

I only have boys so the madness stops with me . (Plus I'm too damn lazy to plan someone else's wedding).

[Cherylene]

Ah yes - traditionally arranged and paid for by M&FOB, with useless grandiose gestures from the Groom (pay for flowers for bridemaids ).

I remember the conversations in the '70s "Should the parents of the groom contribute to the wedding breakfast"

I didn't have that much of a say in mine - too many relatives - would have liked to feel able to have had a few more friends without worrying about their budget. Don't think my mother had much of a say in hers either.

Unfortunately if your DM missed out on organising much of hers, she will be all the more enthusiastic!!!

[EttaJ]

Be thankful she's interested. Mine wasn't. I ended up balling at her on the phone one day as she had shown no interest as always with something import to me.I remember her saying about two weeks before the wedding , if you want to go dress shopping ,I'll come with you. FFS as if I didn't already have my dress sorted out two weeks before! She played the brides loving mother on the day and even now still talks about a day she had fuck all to do with.

[EttaJ]

*important to me

[Moonrocks6]

My mil was like this and not in a nice way. They didn't pay towards the wedding at all (not that I expected them to)
She:

• insisted that we invited 15 of their friends because I had a bigger family and it wasn't fair. DH had never even met 10 of these people.
  
• told me she hated that clout that I picked for bridesmaids because the colour that she'd chosen for her outfit clashed.
  
• told us that we had to have champagne, not sparkling wine for the toasts because we would show them up in front of their friends because we were "cheap"
  
• tried to make me have daffodils for our June wedding
  
• insisted that I had to send a pic of my dress for her to approve.
  

The list and the emotional blackmail was endless!

I learnt to not discuss what we mightdo and to only tell her once something was decided and booked.
Was very vague about plans or just told her what she wanted to hear and then did what we wanted anyway.
Had a bit of fun by making loads of stuff up.


I'd your mum crafty? Could you get her making invites etc to your specification?

[WankingMonkey]

WankingMonkey the 10k is a pot for the wedding, but whatever is left over is for "our future"...

Quick ceremony and pub, anyone??

This would be my option. But I always saw huge weddings/parties and such as a waste of money. I know they are important to some people though. FIL was a bit pissed off that we chose a small register office over a big flouncy church wedding. But neither of us are religious, and I hate attention on me. So a small wedding over and done with as quick as possible was best for us. As I say, left more budget for honeymoon anyway.

[teatowel]

Yes it's a bit sad for our generation. We didn't get to organise our own weddings and now we don't get to organise our daughters! On the plus side we often had to only contribute a small amount of money when we got married and now we can do the same when our daughters do. :)

[Jessbow]

Traditional for brides parents to pay for their daughters wedding, your will be far from the first father that saved for his daughters weddings.

tradition also says they issue invitations, to the marriage of their daughter .

can the two of you not get some suggestions as to venue together, and let her do the leg work- let her go look, gather up menu's and then sort it out between you?

She only wants you to have a lovely day

[LavenderRains]

I've been married 30+years and my parents paid for everything. It was the tradition then.
I chose mine and bridesmaids dresses. They chose reception (which was very posh hotel) and they chose the menu.
I picked the cake and flowers and invites.
parents chose most of the guests.
I can't remember being annoyed. I was very young and it was just the done thing.
I wouldn't want to organise my DD's wedding!

[diddl]

I think that a lot has to do with circumstances, doesn't it?

My parents paid for their own wedding in the 50s.

I've been married twice & paid both times with my then OH.

[Andro]

Wedding planner! Mine convinced my mother that my wedding was designed by her, whilst ensuring it was what dh and I wanted (except for guest numbers but that wasn't worth the war).

[deepdarkwood]

As others have said, this is certainly A Thing. My mum (who is just 70) barely organised anything of her wedding - and indeed says she didn't know most of the guests - it was paid for and hosted by her parents. If your parents are paying, it is not beyond the realms of possibility that this is their expectation - as this is the way it was done for her wedding. One couple of my acquaintance cancelled their wedding because parents were paying and it all got too fraught/they wouldn't listen to the couple's desires - because the parents expected to have overall say, as their parents had done for their wedding.

I think (short of the broom cupboard) you and your dh to be need to have a chat/think. Are you happy for her to organise - and if so, what? What are the things you actually care about? What sort of wedding will she organise and is it what you'd choose (does she have similar taste to you?) If you disagreed, how would she take it? Then you need to be clear with her - openness is definitely the best policy here!

Personally, we wanted to have the final say - so we took (smallish) donations towards specific things from parents (e.g. my mum paid for my dress, my dad paid something towards the booze!) but paid for most of it ourselves.

[Mycraneisfixed]

Sounds like you usually have a great relationship with your DM and I'm sure that (once you've recovered from the shock of her enthusiastically dragging you off for a whole day viewing venues) you can have a calm conversation with her about timings, types of venue (pub, castle) and tell her you're feeling so overwhelmed and not sure you even want

[Mycraneisfixed]

...a big wedding.

[Oldraver]

I got married 30 odd years ago and there was still the tradition of it being the MOB organising and being her day. I had to referee many arguments brewing between my IL's and my Mum.

MIL came from a very poor rough background where you were luckily for a few drinks in a pub. When my folks sent her an invite she went apeshit... saying it was her sons wedding and how dare my folks send her an invite of course she would be there. My DH had to explain 'etiquette' of the brides parents doing the invites

[Datun]

She sounds very excited. It's probably the loveliest celebration a MOB can think of for a daughter she's close to.

Don't elope (like me, still unforgiven). Decide with DP realistically how much you want DM to be involved, get your diplomat's hat on and have a chat with her.

It all sounds rather lovely to me.

[Huldra]

Cupboard is your only option but pllease do install a Cupboard Cam.