To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[BaggyCheeks]

I see I'm too late with the Pinterest suggestion

[everdene]

My MIL was a bit like this.

I tried the 'what do you think about yellow or green bridesmaid dresses?' Approach, but she'd launch into a lecture about how green was unlucky at a wedding.

We bent over bloody backwards to accommodate her, give her small projects to look after - she was still a total nightmare. We even changed the wedding day from May as she announced 'Marry in May and rue the day!'

In the end after we'd given' her flowers to 'oversee' and she said they'd all wilt if I used spring flowers, I just ended up saying 'I know you're trying to be helpful but it is coming across as controlling.'

You are going to have to be firm or she will do this throughout and drive you insane.

[mogloveseggs]

at your dsis.

[THirdEeye]

Did your DM plan her own wedding?

I bet she did, so I'm unsure why she thinks it necessary to organise bull doze/take over your wedding .

You need to explain that you will decide XYZ and may or may not ask for an opinion on it. You will of course have to be firm as she already got her own way re: insisting you visit venues etc now.

FYI, my parents contributed a small amount to my wedding as did my GP. Although, DH and paid for the majority of it, my mother coped the arse because my parents names were not on the invites . My GP on the other hand were just pleased to help.

Weddings can bring out the best and worst in people family, especially when money is involved.

[CodyKing]

Elope!!

Two weeks abroad - just you two - very personable!

Leave lots of wedding abroad books about and see if she takes the hint -

[mogloveseggs]

But seriously bite the bullet Or ring her up crying hysterically that your dp refuses to marry you if your dm chooses everything maybe?

[vladthedisorganised]

Hee hee - mine wasn't quite that bad but she had made a tonne of samosas by the time DH and I had finished telling her we were engaged.. being the first of my generation on her side of the family to get married meant it was a Very Big Thing in her eyes.

I found that working out something that neither of us were especially bothered about and letting her loose on that helped enormously. Suggesting that I wasn't sure about the expense of a wedding car and that I might just drive myself to the ceremony was actually a masterstroke - she was so horrified at the very idea that she threw herself into research for local, inexpensive wedding cars for ages, which left DH and I free to casually pootle around organising the bits we actually wanted (like the venue, the outfits and the food)

You could buy yourselves some time with an engagement party for her to organise?

[WankingMonkey]

Can you not delegate the boring bits, or the bits you don't GAF about to your mother?

Is the 10k savings specifically for your wedding? That seems a bit odd..if you cannot spend it on something else. What if you want a small wedding rather than a massive do. My wedding cost about 1k and the money we saved went on a spectacular honeymoon

[Bogeyface]

How old is your mum?

My mum is 65 and she said that she was very envious of DSis and I arranging our own weddings as when she got married it was still very much the thing that your parents arranged it all. My mum and dad said what sort of wedding they wanted and my grandparents arranged it. Mum sorted her dress and Grandma did everything else. It was the same for her sisters and all their friends.

I think that this money is definitely coming with strings, so I do think that you should thanks but not thanks to the cash and do it your own way.

[WankingMonkey]

Also I would have preferred my mum to be like this. As it turned out, she had no interest at all...to the point where she didn't bother even coming

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

It's definitely about the fact that your parents are paying for the wedding they feel (or perhaps dare I say it they imagine) that they have all the cards to call about how the wedding will be, where the wedding will be, what the food will be like and so on.

You and your DH (to show a united front on this and one that is not negotiable) must sit her down and say that she is ruining your "Yay marriage" phase of being engaged, that you have 18 months or longer (nothing stopping you having a long, long engagement) before you're getting married and that while you appreciate the financial assistance they are offering you both, it does not mean that they get to call the shots on the whole day. Also, if you're seeing hotels now, there is nothing to say that (a) the hotel will still be in business in 18 months (b) the costs will still remain the same and (c) that you'll want that hotel/venue for your wedding. Best not to jump the gun there, so you and your DH2B must set her straight.

All that said, if you're thinking about a weekend (Fri/Sat) wedding, you would want to get your thinking caps on sooner rather than later as they do tend to get booked up in popular locations and there are only so many of them in a year so perhaps there is a little merit to what your Mum is trying to help you with...maybe???

[SabineUndine]

in all seriousness, suggest she and your dad might want to redo their wedding vows. Give her something for herself.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

Was there ever a time when MOB's organise the whole wedding? Is this some tradition shit I'm not aware of?

Not really into weddings and don't know much about etiquette so sorry if that's a stupid question

[plutoisnotaplanet]

DM is 65

[dowhatnow]

semi-detached cupboards!

A serious chat I think. Treat her as a wedding planner. Get her to research lots of options. Perhaps give her a few pointers when you've thought about it and she'll enjoy herself give her retirement a focus but make it crystal clear that you make the actual decisions just as if she were a real wedding planner.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

WankingMonkey the 10k is a pot for the wedding, but whatever is left over is for "our future"...

Quick ceremony and pub, anyone??

[KayTee87]

It used to be the mother of the bride that would organise a wedding, you'll probably find your mum & dads wedding was organised by her mum. The bride and groom traditionally only got to invite a few of their friends.

[ample]

@ '(WTF IS CORKAGE??)'

Definitely cupboard.

[QueenofallIsee]

I am forcibly reminded of my lovely cousins wedding a few years ago, when in desperation she called me to ask if I could help her rein in her mother.

The advantage there was that while it was true that our Grandmother had indeed arranged the wedding of HER dreams for my aunt (which was the basis for my aunts blith assumption that it would be all her way for her daughters wedding) I was able to remind her that for weddings 2 and 3 (!) she had more control over the proceedings.

Your Mum may calm down, she may not but i would be being very firm over those aspects that are important to you and your husband-to-be and relax over those that are not, rather than instigating a complete 'back off Mother'. Its a happy occasion, you seem to be close to your parents and i think the phrase 'pick your battles' was invented for these kind of things

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

You need to also get the Pinterest login and then start pinning the most random shit you can find.

[Lancelottie]

I seem to remember my mum organising a lot of ours, but I think it was more out of despair that we would just cheerily stay 'engaged' for ever without getting round to booking a venue .

She rang us and said firmly, 'There's been a cancellation at the [nice childhood-memory type place] in three months' time, I know it's short notice but the caterers can do it and there's a nice ceilidh band in the village and your aunty Jean is free that day and you'll be back from holiday so how about it?'

and we blinked a bit and said 'Erm, yes, fine!'

[Lancelottie]

(You have to read that all in one breath to get the full effect, btw)

[Rubies12345]

Was there ever a time when MOB's organise the whole wedding? Is this some tradition shit I'm not aware of?

Yes they are hosting the wedding. They will plan it and the invitations will say Mr and Mrs Pluto invite you to the wedding of their daughter...

Hence why most young couples choose to pay for it themselves

[CoraPirbright]

Was there ever a time when MOB's organise the whole wedding? Is this some tradition shit I'm not aware of?

Oh yes, very much so! My dm did the lions share of the organising too (being a somewhat dated/old-fashioned type family). Suited me as we have extremely similar tastes and she asked me to make final decisions on everything so really it was the best of all worlds.

However, your situ doesn't sound like this!! Would tears work? I mean go very quiet and sad looking when she starts going on and on and then when (if?) she asks what is wrong, burst into tears and say how you have looked forward to your wedding for so long and now you are not getting to do any of it. Would that make her feel guilty enough to back off?

[diddl]

"She rang us and said firmly, 'There's been a cancellation at the [nice childhood-memory type place] in three months' time, I know it's short notice but the caterers can do it and there's a nice ceilidh band in the village and your aunty Jean is free that day and you'll be back from holiday so how about it?'"

That actually sounds lovely.