To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[SlimCheesy2]

HolyMoly, a savings account for a wedding??

DEPOSIT ON A HOUSE. Go go go. Go talk to her.

I like the sound of your sister!

[SouthWindsWesterly]

Buy her a cute little dog that needs to be carried in a handbag and needs housetraining. Even book her dog training courses as a gift. She'll be preoccupied with her new "baby" and then when it comes to the actual wedding, you can still entertain us with how the dog had a mini tuxedo and was required to not only carry the rings but also have a place set at the top table.

[BaggyCheeks]

Definitely channel her enthusiasm to your advantage. Or when you're looking at stuff, present her with your options to get her opinion on so you're not stuck doing it the other way around.

As someone who is in the early stages of planning a wedding for 9 months time, starting 18 months ahead isn't necessarily a bad thing, even if it is to just secure the venue you want.

[SlimCheesy2]

(actually, the savings account thing sounds quite sweet.)

[Beetlejuice1]

Sorry but I have to share a non-wedding anecdote from my life even if it is very outing because it shows in a sentence the power [some] parents can take from financial 'gifts'.

My [D]F gifted us some money for a garden landscaping project, then earmarked HALF of our LAWN for a car parking space for his new car because... well, why not if he is paying!

I have lots of similar stories but there is the one that I can tell you in a single sentence!

[RuggerHug]

Tell her you didn't want to ruin her day she had planned with those venues but thisslides scrapbook across table is more what you've been thinking. Drive through Vegas performed by Elvis brochure. If she peeps a whine of but I'M THE BRRRRIIIIIIIIIIDE!

Once the shock wears off her 'or we could show you what we like WHEN WE decide later?'.

Nip it in the bud now. She does sound sweet if bonkers though!

[80sWaistcoat]

Let her carry on. You and your fiancee book somewhere small and lovely for your wedding for about 3 months time, pay for it yourselves, tell her she's coming out for a Christmas dinner with you. Then 'Surprise, it's our wedding!'.

Then ask for the saved money as a deposit on your house....

[Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse]

You could invite her round next weekend for a glass of wine and a film. The film being 'The Wedding Video'. She'd probably get the message. Either that or she'd start checking out where to book a replica Titanic......

[plutoisnotaplanet]

SlimCheesy2 waaay ahead of you, DP and I bought our first house 2 years ago

BaggyCheeks that's what I'm thinking.. she'd be so upset if I turned down the money and mortified if we told her to back off with any kind of firmness... anyone got a good conversational template I can employ to unleash her in the right direction? I'd like to channel her into productive planning if possible!

[stealthsquiggle]

Poor OP. It's not starting well, is it?

Sitting back and writing a blog about it would be very entertaining for the rest of us, but I have a nasty feeling that if you don't draw the line soon, she may start committing you to things.

Serious discussion time - you and your DP need to make it 100% clear that you want to do this your way, and if that means funding it yourselves, then so be it. I really can't think of any way around that. Would having your father there too help or hinder the discussion?

[DerekSprechenZeDick]

'Mother, if you wish to marry my fella then go ahead organise the wedding. If you wish for me to marry him then back off a little'

Sorry if your fiancée becomes your stepdad though

[Blueskyrain]

Cupboard

[DivorceBadger]

Pay for it yourself.

DOn't tell her about anything until you've put non refundable deposits down.


Let her know you look forward to your wedding gift of the money put aside. You will happily take it in cash or cheque.

[OnionKnight]

In the cupboard? She'd be six feet under if that was my mum.

You need to get a handle on her OP because this has FUBAR written all over it.

[mogloveseggs]

Elope, definitely

[PizzaPlease]

Maybe you could invite her over for an afternoon of flipping through wedding magazines and marking things you like (different coloured post it's?) so that she can see what you like and you can start to take back the reins. It sounds like she just wants it to be a very special day. It comes from a place of love!
With that said it is still your wedding, so don't be afraid to say no!

[Lemond1fficult]

I know it's easier said than done, but if you have a good relationship, you can be honest with her. Tell her that you're glad she's excited, but you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by all her planning and you don't want to waste her time looking at options you don't want. You and dp will have a think about the kind of wedding you want, and when you've decided, then you'll be grateful for her help and advice.

[plutoisnotaplanet]

stealthsquiggle haha having Dad there would probably make it worse, DP rang him before her proposed to "ask his permission for my hand"

Dad immediately started crying and opened a 30 year old bottle of whiskey he'd been saving for the occasion....

I'm starting to think their overwhelming joy suggests they thought this would never happen?? huh... i should probably be insulted....

DerekSprechenZeDick a very real possibility, DM absolutely adores DP, only person outside the family I've ever seen her hug!

[DartmoorDoughnut]

What I did was ask mine to sort the things I wasn't too bothered about. She's amazing with food so I asked her to do the tastings/choose a caterer and then we all chose the menu together. I knew I'd want my say on the dress so I paid for that myself.

[diddl]

""welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look..."

Yeah-er no thanks mum, it's not convenient today.

[Rubies12345]

Those who pay get the say.

That's the way it's always worked. Your mum will organise it and have all her friends if she wants.

Or you pay for it and plan it yourself

[plutoisnotaplanet]

OH GOD THERE'S A WEDDING PINTEREST BOARD.

I'm having this same conversation with my DSis on facebook chat.. she's just sent me a link to a board that she's started AND GIVEN DM THE LOGIN. DM has since pinned a few things...

DSis thinks this is hilarious....

She's another cupboard candidate...

[DivorceBadger]

Can't you just say things have changed and that it's now traditional for the bride and groom to do these things together rather than the mother of the bride and that you really look forward to doing it just the two of you?

[BaggyCheeks]

Derek

I think you'd need to sit down and not so much tell her to back off, but say that you're still trying to process the time scales and have a busy period coming up with work (or whatever) so you'd like to hold off proper planning until after Christmas/New Year/Martin Luther King Day/Whatever, unless any of you see something spectacular to investigate.

Maybe introduce her to Pinterest as a way for her to vent her enthusiasm until you're ready to organise anything? Or create a joint Pinterest board that you can put the odd thing on so she can see the sort of thing you like without you having to blatantly say that you don't like her style of dress/whatever?

I come from a family of terrible communicators so I've become quite good at diplomacy for sanity's sake

[plutoisnotaplanet]

Rubies12345

Is that a thing?? That's not a thing surely??