To Put My Mother in a Cupboard for the Next 18 Months?

[plutoisnotaplanet]

I'm newly engaged. I've been with the bloke for 8 years, it's not news to anyone, everyone is very happy yada yada yada.

My lovely Mum and Dad have money put aside for mine and my sisters wedding and we're extremely grateful for that. They've offered us this lump sum of money for the wedding. The wedding is in 2018 so a while away yet and we're still in the lovely "Yay marriage!" phase of engagement, there's no firm plans other than the date as of yet.

We have been engaged for the grand total of 13 days.

So... Mum turns up at our front door on Sunday morning WITH A CLIPBOARD and an iPad and, having made herself a cup of tea and settled herself in the living room, proceeded to reel off a list of venues she's been "considering" and wants "our input" on... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Shocked and (at this point) slightly amused by her excitement we sat down with her and gave opinions on each venue as requested, thinking once she's got over the engagement thing she'll settle down.

She then revealed (like a fucking magic genie) that she'd booked us 4 viewings that day and we were "welcome to come with her" if we wanted to have a look...

DP gave me the "restrain your mother" look, so I said to her we were really grateful she was so willing to help with the plans, but we're not sure if we want a big or small wedding yet and that we need to have a think about it first..

She insisted that was fine but we needed to go and see these venues, so off we all popped in the car and went to view them all.

8 HOURS LATER we return home completely exhausted having somehow lost a whole Sunday on this shit and with DM happily chatting away about the merits of no corkage venues (WTF IS CORKAGE??) and how my cousins wedding was so poorly executed..

When she left, DP and I had a chat and it's very, very clear my Mum is under the impression that she's organising the whole thing.. which she's categorically not. God forbid, I'd end up in a meringue with puff sleeves with cousins I've never met as bridesmaids in a god awful golf club with sticky carpets

How on earth do I break it to her that we want to make this wedding personal to us, and as such will be organising it ourselves??

Or alternatively, do I just lock her in a cupboard for 18 months and let her out as a fully fledged MOB, hat at the ready??

[lemonzest123]

Lol @will look bald in photos

[plutoisnotaplanet]

BaggyCheeks

ALL OF THE YES.

Also considering:
"General feel of the building is furry"

"wallpaper is beige with leaves on it.. does not match our theme of psychedelic drug induced human sacrifice -chic"

[SlimCheesy2]

Mmmm. I understand that, pluto.

Oh dear. My other thought was you could persuade her to direct her talents/enthusiasms into full time wedding planning for other people. She could specialise in retro 80sperhaps. 'Vintage' is all the rage!!

[teatowel]

She sounds lovely in a bonkers way. A lot of people would just love a mum like yours. Have fun!

[justilou]

I am totally in like with you and your mother..... you could consider taping her t all times and writing a rom-com. The respect and love you have is very evident..

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

My parents told me when I was very small that the mother of the bride gets to organise the wedding and 'you can do it yourself when it's your daughter.

In my twenties, I happened to mention that a friend was clashing with her parents over some aspect of her wedding and my DF said sternly, 'He's paying for it.'

I regret not telling everyone to back off. My wedding didn't feel like me. It's felt like a throwback to the days when I had to live under my mum's control.

Avoid my fate and sit down sternly with your DM, emphasise that you don't care a jot if she's paying for it (or if she withdraws the offer) and decide together what bits she gets to do. There are lots and lots of bits. She could end up with a lovely long list.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

I should add that my DM's behaviour was particularly odd in light of the fact that she never forgave her DM and MIL for not allowing her to have the wedding of her dreams.

[GinIsIn]

My parents very kindly gave money towards our wedding, on the stipulation from my dad "your brother is weird and nobody will marry him, the others all got hitched quietly at the registry office - have a proper wedding, please so one of our kids have!"

We agreed and started planning our day, and although my mother did go in for rather a lot of trying to nudge us towards grander choices we did manage to stand firm in the end and I'm so glad we did!

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

The Botanic Gardens in Adelaide are lovely; my DB married there as part of a round the world trip. Videos were Fedexed to the rellies. My cousin's DCs would be honoured to be bridesmaids, if bribed with enough Haribo.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Any updates OP? How are you getting on with your hotel visits???

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

Clipboard answers:

If the venue is light and airy, dark etc.
Dark as the pits of hell

The FEEL of the venue overall
Sleazy strip club/dope den/torture chamber

Carpet colour and any wall patterns
Purple and bright red. Swastikas

will they match the theme?
Only if it's "Springtime for Hitler"

Architectural points of interest, vaulted ceilings, extra rooms etc
Manacles on the wall, extra room but door is bricked in, currently occupied by skeletons

Does DP like the venue?
Loves it. Hence engagement is off.

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

I have nothing to add that OP's mum won't already have on the list, however am posting to insist upon a regular "Pluto's (Mum's) Wedding" update. We can set your Mum you up with your own Facebook page, if you like?

[CiderwithBuda]

Just giggled my way through this thread - sorry OP!

I have three sisters and my dad always said in relation to paying for weddings that for our engagement presents he would give us all a suitcase and a ladder and we could elope!

I was first to get married and all my mum could say was that she was dreading it! She was lacking in confidence and worried about the whole mother of the bride thing. We didn't have a huge wedding but did have quite a few friends fly in and we all met the night before for a drink with my parents. She said later in a really surprised tone "you really have some lovely friends". Um yes mum - I'm a nice person!

[WatchingFromTheWings]

Great thread!

My 'D'M refused to get involved with my wedding. She took an instant dislike to my now ExH. When I told her we were getting married (got engaged AFTER we'd booked the wedding!) her response was 'oh I've already bought my outfit. Hope you're not expecting me to pay for anything cause I can't afford it'. Had already budgeted to pay for everything ourselves.

She wasn't interested in helping with invites, only came dress shopping with me so my soon-to-be MIL wouldn't be invited instead and wouldn't come with me for any other viewings (of wedding venue, cake etc).

On the day, she had a MASSIVE strop as someone gained access to our room (at the hotel) and played a few (harmless) pranks. Then guests (who assumed she'd paid/arranged) thanked HER for a fab day, she smiled and accepted all the praise!!! I was livid! MIL set everyone straight about how we'd worked/saved hard to pay for it all ourselves.....in front of DM (served her right!) so she stormed out and went home before the evening do even started. I wasn't even the slightest bit upset about that tbh.

She's not even getting told about my next wedding.

[theDuchessInTheDodgeCharger]

watch out, or she will do the same if and when you have your first baby.
Mine did ( " I'm buying everything, don't call him/her that, it's ridiculous, this colour babygro is not suitable for a newborn" etc ...) but I thought it was because we never got married so she had plenty of energy left ( still aren't and not planning to )

[myownprivateidaho]

Not rtft but I feel quite sorry for the mum. Something's a bit off about spending the entire day with her trying to do something nice for you, that has taken a lot of organisation already and which is going to involve considerable personal expense, if you didn't want it and are just going online to sneer about it? Just say, "thanks so much mum but we want to organise it ourselves, we're not comfortable with you having this level of input, but we'd be happy with you doing X".... I'd have some sympathy if it was a case of her repeatedly insisting on something you'd told her you don't want, but it isn't that.

[Okkitokkiunga]

Sabine you beat me to Maui. Just don't forget to cash the cheque before you go pluto

It does sound like you have a very excited Mother who needs reigning in just a teensy bit. What does your Dad think? Are you going to be allowed to choose your own guest list as that's a real bummer when you end up having to invite a load of people you've never met.

[Okkitokkiunga]

oh whoops. Apparently this thread was longer that it looked!

[elh1605]

I was lucky both DM and DMIL although they contributed and had an input left all the organising to us unless we asked. I would suggest having a mother/daughter chat saying firstly how grateful you are for the financial help but you and DH would like to do things your way as its your day and when you need her help (dress/hair and other girly things) then you will ask.

[PrimalLass]

[Thingmcthingyface]

This is hilarious. Blog the lot. Glad you are able to use her talents and that she does listen!
Please could you ask her to procure you at least one unusual item of the elephant ilk?

[Sunnydawn]

Good stuff, OP. Your mum sounds absolutely fabulous, and I think you should toe the line and do exactly what you're told!

[DrLockhart]

In all honesty, if you want a village hall and church wedding, you will need her (or a wedding planner).

We did a wedding extremely similar to your thoughts on what you'd like (even down to the sunflowers...outed myself). We actually got a wedding planner, paid little for her in terms of what she saved us later down the line (negotiating with suppliers, prioritising what is needed / not needed).

You can utilise her planning skills to full advantage - her little lists are actually what a wedding planner would produce, so steer her in the right direction and have a giggle at it.

Otherwise I would actually get a wedding planner and brief the planner on dealing with your DM! They have amazing ways of dealing with DM's and DMIL's!

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

I think she sounds great, if a bit mad

If you can harnass her organisation skills/energy you'll be onto a winner. DF was my wedding organiser. It was occasionally stressful, mainly because he kept trying to spend far more money than we were comfy with. But a few interventions from DB helped and we ended up giving him control of the reception and evening do. And he did a fantastic job. He even came dress shopping with me and was appropriately awed by how fantastic I looked. He was not, however, allowed to interfere with the ceremony, and had to wear what I told him.

End result was actually perfect. There's not a single thing I wish had been different.

[citybushisland]

I hate to say it, but, if she's paying then she's organising, this is HER moment (in her mind). So if you want to do what you want you have to refuse the money. Your parents may well then say 'here's the money, do your own thing' but you need to be prepared that you may well be footing the bill if you don't want her doing it all and making all the decisions.