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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have asked him to sleep in the other room?

76 replies

Fouristhebestnumber · 12/09/2016 08:14

I had a bit of a row with dp last night, and genuinely don't know if I was being U.

Dp has 3 dc aged between 8 and 5. I think of them as my dsc as I have been with their dad for 3 years and I do love them. I have a good relationship with them.

This weekend we had them at ours and right of the bat I noticed that dsd (8) was in one of her moods -stroppy, uncooperative, she gets like that pretty often, her mum thinks it could be puberty beginning to kick in but I'm not sure.

She was incredibly rude to me all weekend - I spent ages making dinner the first night, mashed potatoes from scratch etc, she normally eats it but instead screamed at me, top of her voice, that it was disgusting and she wasn't eating it. Then cried hysterically because I told her that it had taken me ages to make and she wasn't getting anything else. Dp did nothing, just looked over to see what was going on then turned back to the tv.

Later I put down a bowl of water for the cat and dsd stepped in it. Cue hysterical tears again and once again screaming at me because I'd put it on the floor. Again no intervention from dp.

I then went to the kitchen where dp had done the washing up, however he'd done a terrible job, there was still food caked onto everything. I admit I lost it a bit. I was upset about dsd and I went a bit mad , said how could he not do a simple thing etc, I had a lot of anger, I don't know where it was coming from.

Dp then ignored me for the rest of the day then later after the kids had gone back to their mums he said he was disgusted by how I'd behaved and that I reminded him of his ex, and he had seen me in a new light. This really hurt and I told him to sleep in the kids bedroom.

So.. who was being U? Feeling really down about this

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2016 08:17

Disney dad. Aka a fucking waste of space. He is disgusted at you? He needs to step up and parent his child. Whilst you run about he disney step up, disney make his own kids food, disney tell his kid off when she misbehaves and disney do the washing up properly so that you stop asking him to do it.

Fuck that shite.

Amelie10 · 12/09/2016 08:22

Doreen sounds like you are projecting some serious issues here. Where did you get Disney dad from?

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2016 08:28

Where did you get Disney dad from?

Well, him sitting there doing nowt whilst she cooks, doing nowt whilst his child is screaming, doing nowt whilst his child is rude, doing nowt whilst his child has hysterics, watching tv whilst his child is supposedly having dinner, and doing the washing up badly so that the OP has to redo the lot.

Disney dad isn't just about showering the kids with gifts but deferring all responsibilities to the step parent.

MLGs · 12/09/2016 08:35

Yanbu to be pissed off about his lack of intervention and crap washing up. Would have been better not to lose it in front of kids obviously. Him saying he was disgusted was ridiculous. He needs to look at himself if he thinks you are like ex. The common factor in both situations is him.

I did laugh at "mashed potatoes from scratch" though. Surely that's just "mashed potatoes" Sorry to laugh because clearly that was more than anyone else was cooking.

HeddaGarbled · 12/09/2016 08:41

No I don't think you were being unreasonable. Time he started cooking for his own children and sitting with them while they eat instead of watching TV while you do it all.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 12/09/2016 08:43

YANBU, why on earth did he not step in? What a waste of space.

On the subject of 8 year olds though, I have an 8 year old DS, who recently has been going through a really emotional phase, crying at the drop of a hat eg. if he loses a board game, if someone at school ignores him, if I tell him I haven't made any pudding. I'm a bit as DS1 wasn't like this at all, but keep telling myself it's just a phase (when I chat to him in calm moments he insists there's nothing going on). However it could be that your DSD is having a rough time in some other aspect of her life, and I'm sure her hysteria is no reflection on you. More likely it's a desperate attempt to get her dad's attention, if he leaves you to do all the parenting.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 08:44

that I reminded him of his ex

I'm sure. :)
Particularly if he's the same type of arse with you and her.
Why don't you further copy her?

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 12/09/2016 08:44

I'd be inclined to go stay at a mates next time you have them. See how he gets on without you.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 12/09/2016 08:46

Ooh mashed potatoes from scratch

NerrSnerr · 12/09/2016 08:48

Sorry, mashed potatoes from scratch made me smile too. Why are you cooking for them and not letting him get on with it? Surely they're his kids so he should be doing the caring?

diddl · 12/09/2016 08:54

Is she trying to get some attention from her dad?

Is he always this disinterested?

LTB?

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2016 08:56

I really fancy mashed potatoes properly from scratch now [properly as in I grew them as well].

expatinscotland · 12/09/2016 08:57

He sounds like such a catch!

ravenmum · 12/09/2016 08:59

Oh come now, no-one else has ever made mashed potatoes from a packet, reeeeeally?

He's seen you in a new light, huh? Sounds like a veiled threat, especially saying you are like his ex, i.e. he might not "put up with it" for long with you either ...
So until now it was all twinkly smily fun, the way he likes it, and now it is the cold clear light of real life and he is not so keen?
How about you, are you seeing him in a new light?

Dreamfrog · 12/09/2016 08:59

firstly I'd be wondering why the little one reacts so badly all the time rather than looking at it as naughty. What's causing her outbursts and upset. can you have a chat about sharing chores and how to react to the kids behaviour. Shouldn't row in front of the kids that just makes it worse.

alltouchedout · 12/09/2016 09:01

If he was that crap when he was with his ex she probably got pissed off and told him so too.

spaghettithrower · 12/09/2016 09:05

Not really surprised your DSD was going on like that with her Dad checking out of all responsibility. Maybe she wanted some attention and to feel loved by him.
She may well be approaching puberty as her mother suggests. I used to teach 7 to 8 year olds and one year I had a girl in my class who was like this - crying hysterically about nothing and losing her rag. It didn't happen all the time but on a cyclical basis once a month.
However, your problem is not with a young girl who is acting up but with her "father" who refuses to do anything and then says he is disgusted when you lost your rag.
YANBU. He needs to shape up or ship out. Poor kids.

ChicRock · 12/09/2016 09:05

At least if you decide to have children with him you are going into it with eyes wide open about what a useless waste of space he is.

SpookyPotato · 12/09/2016 09:06

You can get all kinds of mash now, like the aunt bessies frozen pellets that turn into mash in a pan. People call that mashed potato. OP just means she chopped actual potatoes and boiled.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/09/2016 09:07

The thing is with people that hold up their ex as the bogeyman (or woman), is that they conveniently forget that if you treat someone a certain way, you're likely to get the same reaction.

My guess is that he has decided his ex was a nasty meanie shouting at him all the time... And has edited out the whole cause and effect thing where if he acts like a lazy little baby instead of a fully grown member of the family, people will get upset.

Only you know if he is open to seeing his own part in this, or whether he will carry on 'acting out' in order to manipulate you into being his chief slave and bottle washer, too scared of being like the evil ex to complain about the inequality.

ravenmum · 12/09/2016 09:08

Does sound like the eight-year-old is upset by something. Maybe she's starting to process the idea that she has to accept you as a parent even though you aren't one, maybe it's nothing to do with you and she's having trouble sleeping or being bullied at school or something? Eight is very early for puberty, and even a child in puberty needs support with whatever problems they perceive.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:09

You made mashed potatoes from scratch? How else can you make them..?

But why were you cooking for his children anyway? Why wasn't he doing it?

It's quite possible the 8 year old has started puberty.

He sounds like a twat.

You probably do sound like his ex, has probably a twat with her too.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:09

*was not has

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 09:12

Did he move in with you? What's the arrangement?

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:12

You can get all kinds of mash now, like the aunt bessies frozen pellets that turn into mash in a pan. People call that mashed potato. OP just means she chopped actual potatoes and boiled.

Ah fair enough. I'm just not sure how many brownie points you can earn from boiling potatoes. Just seemed like a funny thing to say. It's not like it was 'pastry from scratch' or 'beef bourguignon from scratch". Which require a bit of effort and more than 2 ingredients!

But that's besides the point...

He sounds like a waste of space.

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