Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked him to sleep in the other room?

76 replies

Fouristhebestnumber · 12/09/2016 08:14

I had a bit of a row with dp last night, and genuinely don't know if I was being U.

Dp has 3 dc aged between 8 and 5. I think of them as my dsc as I have been with their dad for 3 years and I do love them. I have a good relationship with them.

This weekend we had them at ours and right of the bat I noticed that dsd (8) was in one of her moods -stroppy, uncooperative, she gets like that pretty often, her mum thinks it could be puberty beginning to kick in but I'm not sure.

She was incredibly rude to me all weekend - I spent ages making dinner the first night, mashed potatoes from scratch etc, she normally eats it but instead screamed at me, top of her voice, that it was disgusting and she wasn't eating it. Then cried hysterically because I told her that it had taken me ages to make and she wasn't getting anything else. Dp did nothing, just looked over to see what was going on then turned back to the tv.

Later I put down a bowl of water for the cat and dsd stepped in it. Cue hysterical tears again and once again screaming at me because I'd put it on the floor. Again no intervention from dp.

I then went to the kitchen where dp had done the washing up, however he'd done a terrible job, there was still food caked onto everything. I admit I lost it a bit. I was upset about dsd and I went a bit mad , said how could he not do a simple thing etc, I had a lot of anger, I don't know where it was coming from.

Dp then ignored me for the rest of the day then later after the kids had gone back to their mums he said he was disgusted by how I'd behaved and that I reminded him of his ex, and he had seen me in a new light. This really hurt and I told him to sleep in the kids bedroom.

So.. who was being U? Feeling really down about this Sad

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 12/09/2016 09:55

I'll have to confess to also smiling at mash from scratch. 😂

It's up to him to parent his child and he should have immediately pulled her up on her behaviour. Yanbu.

RubbleBubble00 · 12/09/2016 09:55

He needs to bloody parent. I have one of those charming 8 year olds. Dad should have stepped in and had a word at least or in our house they would have been sent to their room to calm down

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 09:58

He isn't speaking to you? Mature.

Cherryskypie · 12/09/2016 10:07

'that I reminded him of his ex, and he had seen me in a new light'

Did he sit on his ass all day leaving her to do all the parenting?

Discobabe · 12/09/2016 10:07

Yanbu. He's taking the piss tbh! I suggest you sit on the sofa and watch tv next time or even better go out and let him prepare/cook/look after his own kids instead of fobbing it off onto you.

RhiWrites · 12/09/2016 10:18

Now I really want mashed potatoes.

OP you were unreasonable to just start yelling rather than saying "this washing up needs to be redone" or taking him aside and asking him to talk to DSD and find out what's wrong.

But he's sending up red flags by saying you're just like his ex after you've spent all evening looking after his children. Why did they break up? Is she a nice woman? Did he expect her to do all the hard work of child rearing while he sat on the sofa or did crappy washing up?

Underparmummy · 12/09/2016 10:21

You reminded him of his ex because you weren't putting up, shutting up and doing all the work for him?

Hmm.

RB68 · 12/09/2016 10:23

I would continue acting like his ex and ditch him to be honest. They are his kids - you are not unpaid slave labour he needs to up the anti and parent. He is being downright lazy.

SaucyJack · 12/09/2016 10:30

He's a passive-aggressive wanker.

Also, dunno where you are living in the world- but it's been the first week or so back at school for many kids, and even the nicest can be horrors to begin with from going back to early mornings and the change of pace. And that's just the parents

SpookyPotato · 12/09/2016 10:31

MrsDc7 Haha no it's my usual name, how spooky.. Wink

mathsmum314 · 12/09/2016 10:37

YABU - if you think he is not doing his share of parenting they why dont you talk to him about it. I can imagine from a mans point of view the day was going well, shouting children was normal, you mashed some potatoes he did the washing up and then you went mental. If he had been abused by his ex like that I can understand why he would find such behavior abhorrent.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 10:40

If he had been abused by his ex like that
Hmm

I agree that it's best to talk about your issues and tell him exactly what you're unhappy about.

Tell him you want a proper conversation. If he still shuts you down, then act like the ex and leave.

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 10:41

mathsmum Why doesn't the OP talk to him? Maybe because the big man is refusing to speak to her?

SabineUndine · 12/09/2016 10:42

ravenmum I think a lot of people make mash from a packet once. Once is enough.

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 10:43

If someone refused to speak to me in my own home I'd invite them leave it, actually.

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 10:44

I'm making a wild guess here that the OP made more food than just mashed potatoes .

And you have missed the bit where his child was rude all weekend

I'm intrigued what you think woudl be " his share of parenting " - wouldn't that be 100% because the OP is not their parent ?

abigwideworld · 12/09/2016 10:53

I think YABU. It seems like you expected your DP to jump in and speak to his daughter but how will she ever respect you if he does that every time? And as for the washing up - no need to 'lose it' with him, have an adult conversation instead...

PuntasticUsername · 12/09/2016 11:01

I am here purely to say that I for one AM impressed by mashed potato made from scratch. I swore off doing it years ago, in favour of the frozen stuff.

(which has precisely four ingredients: potato, butter, salt and pepper. Same as mine would. And no lumps. Markedly different from how mine is)

FinallyHere · 12/09/2016 11:12

I think Kr1stuna is suggesting the right approach. Say you are leaving him to have quality time with his kids. Stay with friends or even if funds are tight, consider lashing out £19.99 on a premier inn room if you can fund one. Swan in for tea just before they go home again, ignore the mess and shower the DSC with poundstore crap. (Hint make sure they take the glitter and whistles home unopened.

Bond with them and then wave them goodbye.

And consider the other wise words, maybe anyone would loose their rag with his laziness and lack of parenting. Don't try and 'do better' , give him space to step up. It really would be a kindness , for him and his children.

All the very best and hurrah for Mumsnet, especially the cuisine tips. Creamed potatoes forthsooth.

ChicRock · 12/09/2016 11:27

I'm surprised anyone bothers making mash from scratch these days, the frozen stuff or the microwaveable tubs of mash you can buy are so much nicer.

Anyway, yeah, next time his kids are over, bugger off out and leave him to it.

mathsmum314 · 12/09/2016 11:34

Lweji - If a man went mental at me because they didn't like the way I had washed the dishes (from my POV) then I would consider that verbal abuse.

LineyReborn - Are you not able to contextualize that talking to him was implied as being, instead of going mental, rather than as well as.

Kr1stina - "his share of parenting" might well be 100%, or they might have have agreed to share it 50/50, as the op does say, "I think of them as my dsc". It would make it very hard to live with children in your house and have to go get your DP every time some parenting was required, how would the DC react to that?

Some people not me think children running around the house screaming is average weekend behavior and their reaction is just to carry on with what they are doing, not to go mental at their DP.

Redorangeyellowgreenblue · 12/09/2016 12:00

He should have helped with her behaviour and you probably shouldn't have shouted. It was just a stressful situation that escalated. I have a rule in my house that if you don't eat your tea you get toast instead and no snacks later on. Just plain buttered toast. Maybe ask what she fancies for tea next time let her have input and let her feel as if she in in control abit if she's feeling abit lost atm. We do dvd and duvet nights alot and get popcorn, turn lights off and let my kids chill and relax. At the end of the day she is just a kid and whether it's her hormones or if there's something bothering her she just wants to feel loved and relaxed. It's just a phase my ds7 was terrible for about 6 months for no reason I could find!

But you and your dp need to be on the same page. Don't fall out over a silly row ask him to help more and apologise for shouting and move on xx

ravenmum · 12/09/2016 13:21

I wonder if he just left her to tantrum because from his point of view, females who get upset or angry are just hormonal or bitchy and you should just ignore them or sulk when they get like that? Maybe point out that that tactic hasn't worked well for him so far?

timelytess · 12/09/2016 13:24

he was disgusted by how I'd behaved and that I reminded him of his ex
Ah, yes. That's because you and his ex have something in common.
Him.

Ditch him and his unfortunate children.

newmumwithquestions · 12/09/2016 16:24

You get frozen mash??
I've seen fresh mash in a tub and wondered who on earth buys it. I've heard of smash... Wasn't that an 80s thing?

Oh and back to the OP YANBU, though you were U to loose it within earshot of the kids.
Talk to him. Explain calmly how you want DSC visits to run. Do you want him to cook for everyone whilst you take the kids out/chat to them? Do you want to all eat together as a family? Explain that you want him to discipline his children if their behaviour is inappropriate. At the moment it sounds like you are doing everything.