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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked him to sleep in the other room?

76 replies

Fouristhebestnumber · 12/09/2016 08:14

I had a bit of a row with dp last night, and genuinely don't know if I was being U.

Dp has 3 dc aged between 8 and 5. I think of them as my dsc as I have been with their dad for 3 years and I do love them. I have a good relationship with them.

This weekend we had them at ours and right of the bat I noticed that dsd (8) was in one of her moods -stroppy, uncooperative, she gets like that pretty often, her mum thinks it could be puberty beginning to kick in but I'm not sure.

She was incredibly rude to me all weekend - I spent ages making dinner the first night, mashed potatoes from scratch etc, she normally eats it but instead screamed at me, top of her voice, that it was disgusting and she wasn't eating it. Then cried hysterically because I told her that it had taken me ages to make and she wasn't getting anything else. Dp did nothing, just looked over to see what was going on then turned back to the tv.

Later I put down a bowl of water for the cat and dsd stepped in it. Cue hysterical tears again and once again screaming at me because I'd put it on the floor. Again no intervention from dp.

I then went to the kitchen where dp had done the washing up, however he'd done a terrible job, there was still food caked onto everything. I admit I lost it a bit. I was upset about dsd and I went a bit mad , said how could he not do a simple thing etc, I had a lot of anger, I don't know where it was coming from.

Dp then ignored me for the rest of the day then later after the kids had gone back to their mums he said he was disgusted by how I'd behaved and that I reminded him of his ex, and he had seen me in a new light. This really hurt and I told him to sleep in the kids bedroom.

So.. who was being U? Feeling really down about this Sad

OP posts:
Paintedhandprints · 12/09/2016 09:16

Yuck packet potatoes! Thread completely derailed.
Yabu to argue in front of the kids. Yanbu to be annoyed he checked out of parenting and being a good partner. Does this happen often? More info needed.
Sounds like the 8yo girl is struggling with something. Perhaps together, you and dp and even girls mum could explore options on how best to deal?

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:16

raven is it early? My daughter has been showing signs of starting puberty since about 7/8 and she's not the only one.

At 10, it's now in full swing Hmm

7 is a hard age to be. Social relationships in year 3 are the hardest because it's when children start to make all sorts of judgements about the behaviour and choices of those around them. She could be feeling frustration that he dad leaves her care to her 'stepmum', she might well 'miss him', but she wouldn't necessarily have the emotional intelligence or the vocabulary to understand and articulate how she is feeling.

Even if it's not puberty, that is one unhappy little girl Sad

Kr1stina · 12/09/2016 09:16

Next time they stay at yours you need to go away for the weekend . Go to stay with a friend , but come back on Sunday in enought time to eat tea with them before they go back to their mums

Tell your partner that you are doing it so they can have quality time together .

Do not clear up any of the mess in the house , don't even comment on it. Preset not to notice and go to bed early .

If you can't actually go away, go out all day eg shopping with a friend. Don't make a meal when you come home and don't comment on the mess.

Just sit in the sofa with your partners kids and cuddle them, ask them how they are, make a fuss of them, give them sweets and small gifts eg gel pens , stickers etc pound shop crap

Start being Disney dads girlfriend and let their dad parent them.

BTW the anger is coming from the fact that your partner is using you as an unpaid childminder for his kids while he sits on his arse. You will find it much easier to be fun and cool with them when you only see them for a couple of hours each evening as you have been out all day , relaxing, shopping, hanging out with your mates .

expatinscotland · 12/09/2016 09:19

'Ah fair enough. I'm just not sure how many brownie points you can earn from boiling potatoes. Just seemed like a funny thing to say. It's not like it was 'pastry from scratch' or 'beef bourguignon from scratch". Which require a bit of effort and more than 2 ingredients!'

But that's besides the point...'

Not if you're new to cooking or not very experienced, don't realise that on MN any sort of potato product that isn't made from your homegrown organic potatoes is a cardinal sin, etc.

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 09:20

I can think of four types of mash of the top of my head: Smash, frozen, ready made and chilled, and from scratch with boiled potatoes, a masher and butter / milk / seasoning. The latter is a right faff to get right IME.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/09/2016 09:20

Although there are loads of types of mash, packet/frozen, you just cannot say mash from scratch implying it's a big deal, the op did it in her post and to the child, it sounds ridiculous but it made me laugh too

Op when you said you lost it how badly did you lose it? Your oh is clearly wrong but if you said nothing about anything else and suddenly started roaring like a banshee over the dishes maybe he was just Shock He should have stepped up and dealt with dsd all along but maybe you went from zero to screaming lunatic out of nowhere (I do that sometimes so no judgement, I was just wondering)

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 09:23

you just cannot say mash from scratch implying it's a big deal

Well I just did so sue me

expatinscotland · 12/09/2016 09:27

'you just cannot say mash from scratch implying it's a big deal, the op did it in her post and to the child, it sounds ridiculous but it made me laugh too '

LOL. Nice try, Noc - 'I have stated my opinion, which is that mash from scratch is nothing, now no one else talk about it' - followed by presuming the OP then behaved as a 'screaming lunatic'.

It's a big deal to the OP. Lots of people are new to cooking, don't do it often, just learning. So what?

Hmm
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 09:29

Typical MN bothered about the mash Grin Ignore the mash chat OP it sounds like you're DP really means "you aren't doing what I want you to without complaining and I don't like it"

I was distraught when my exP compared me to his exwife, by the time we had split I was acting like how he described his exwife (nagging, crying all the time, ratty, etc) and it was because he was emotionally abusive and a total dick

Don't let him say what he did (because it's a manipulation technique) and get away with it. If you withdraw back into yourself and just carry on as 'normal' then it will have worked. Make sure he knows he is in the wrong. I agree with PP's saying go for a break away when he next has the kids so he can see what you have to do

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 12/09/2016 09:29

Eight year olds can be a nightmare. I think there is some sort of growth/development spurt about then and all of mine have been whiny, stroppy tantrum factories at that age. If the child feels a bit lost and out of place because she comes to see her dad but he isn't really "there" then that won't be helping.

Enb76 · 12/09/2016 09:32

Making mash requires some effort rather than just bunging in a bang ting meal. Besides, that's not's really the point is it - the point is that she's running around after this man's kids and he's does sweet FA and is sat on his arse. The common denominator between you and his ex wife is him. He should be the one doing most of the stuff with his own children, he should be pulling them up on their behaviour, he should want to be part of a team, not part of a problem.

What makes you happy about this relationship - I'm not saying LTB, just asking you to look at what you get out of all of this.

CocktailQueen · 12/09/2016 09:32

You have a DH problem.

Is he always so useless and disengaged? Why did he and his wife split up?

Why wasn't he cooking for his own dc? And parenting them?

Agree with Doreen.

Lweji · 12/09/2016 09:35

How long have you lived together?

BaggyCheeks · 12/09/2016 09:36

Forgetting that it's mash, the point is that the OP made something that she knows her DSD usually loves.

(And FWIW, homemade mash is a big deal for me because normally I just buy the pre-made mash from the prepared veg part of Tesco because I can't be arsed with potatoes Wink)

Yeah, you probably shouldn't have lost it with your DP, but YANBU. His daughter probably wanted some attention from her dad. I'd have been asking him wtf he meant by saying you "reminded him of his ex" - like it's some sort of check and measure for your behaviour. If you know his ex, and it sounds like you do talk to her, you can get a reasonable measure of what a man is like by how he talks about his exes.

LineyReborn · 12/09/2016 09:38

And I think the OP was probably trying to head off allegations of giving her DSD shifty old Smash thus causing the whole mash-related incident herself.

ravenmum · 12/09/2016 09:41

TheLastRoseOfSummer (Googles) The NHS does say that it can start "as early as eight" so I guess she could be one of the early ones. Wouldn't be the first or only thing I'd consider though, especially in a child that's having to deal with separation and new parent figures.

And even if it is puberty, that doesn't mean she doesn't have any real problems or doesn't need a cuddle, obviously.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 09:42

Wouldn't be the first or only thing I'd consider though, especially in a child that's having to deal with separation and new parent figures.

No, that is very true.

Original poster
Fouristhebestnumber · 12/09/2016 09:45

Lol I'm actually quite enjoying the mash derailment Grin

What I mean is I'm usually a pretty lazy cook, more prone to putting a pot of ready made mash in a microwave, but this time a made a proper effort and perhaps that's why her behaviour offended me more.

Dp does parent too - it just seems to be more his boys than dsd. He often says dsd is exactly like her mum and he does love her, I think he is a bit afraid of her? Like he's frightened to discipline her in case he sets off a screaming fit.

He isn't speaking to me.

OP posts:
SpookyPotato · 12/09/2016 09:47

Mashed potato from scratch is a big deal to some people (peeling, chopping, mashing), when you can just bung some frozen pellets in a pan and they become mash, and actually taste really good. Lot of food snobs on here.. There's nothing wrong with what OP said, she did make extra effort.

MrsDc7 · 12/09/2016 09:48

All this mash talk has creased me Grin haha... But to be honest I have a DSC and have pretty much just taken on the role of mum because myself and DH have two DC together so when DSC comes to stay she just slots in to the family. It would be weird if he took on my role in the house just for her? Plus I've been in her life since she was a baby so she doesn't know any different and I love her very much so treat her the same as the others. In your situation though it doesn't sound like you have any DC so why should you take on the mum role? He needs to step up xx

MrsDc7 · 12/09/2016 09:49

Spooky potato did you NC especially for this thread or is that your usual name? Haha

Lweji · 12/09/2016 09:51

Adding somewhat to the mash derailment, proper nice from scratch mash tastes different than awful nasty ready mash. Although for some reason some tasteless people do prefer ready mash.

It's possible that she liked your awful ready mash and didn't like the nice from scratch mash.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/09/2016 09:52

expatinscotland I did presume the op turned into a screaming lunatic, I asked and I was clearly being non judgey and lighthearted (although perhaps no so clearly Hmm)

People are clearly being lighthearted with the mash too so stand down smash users.

He definitely shouldn't be the one not speaking to you op. Dsd sounds like tough work, I have one at home so can appreciate. dsd probably has him sussed that he parents the boys and not her and is looking for attention

DoreenLethal · 12/09/2016 09:52

I really love packet mash - when I am feeling ill. With cheese grated on top, lots of pepper and proper heinz ketchup.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/09/2016 09:53

Didn't ffs not did, oops

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