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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At parents getting old before their time..

61 replies

Rabbitroad29 · 11/09/2016 21:20

My grandad aged 94 died last week and I am so upset and stressed at the way my parents are behaving .
It's almost as if they have decided they have to become the elderly of the family.
They have announced that they won't be buying my kids birthday or Christmas presents anymore because they want to just give money ( my kids are 8, 9 and 11)
They have also gone on holiday despite my grandad dying because "our friends told us to enjoy life")
My husbands family are all in Brazil and I am just getting upset and wound up by the raw deal my kids get. My daughter loves little gifts and like she said I'm not a teenager !

OP posts:
Drowzeee · 11/09/2016 21:26

Sorry for the loss of your grandad Flowers

I can't see though how the present buying (or lack of) is connected to your grandad dying? If you're children are so bothered about presents, can't type parents give the money to you and you buy presents for them?

Also your parents might be grieving in a different way to you and maybe going on holiday helps them.

eggyface · 11/09/2016 21:28

Why is giving money and going on holiday a sign of being old before your time? I don't really get it, sorry.

Tiggeryoubastard · 11/09/2016 21:29

Maybe they're fed up of it all being about you.

fabulous01 · 11/09/2016 21:29

Personally I would be delighted. No more stupid gifts that are a waste of money. Instead saving bonds for when they really need the money for when they are older

PotatoBread · 11/09/2016 21:33

It can get a bit time consuming and tedious buying presents for children who probably have ever changing tastes. It's much easier for them to give money so your DC can buy something that they actually like and use. Take them to the toy store and let them pick what they want and make it a fun day out. Not sure why your patents generously giving your children money and having the cheek to go on holiday mean that your kids are getting a raw deal??

takesnoprisoners · 11/09/2016 21:34

Sorry to hear about your grandad. But YABU. Money is fine and if your DC insist on gifts, you can buy it for them. If they want to travel, they should! No one is getting any younger and they probably just want to travel.

My aunt was the carer for my grandma for 12 years and after she passed away, my aunt was not sure what to do with her life. She decided to go travel and it really helped her grieve and also to get back to normal life.

manyathingyouknow · 11/09/2016 21:34

I don't really understand this post Confused

MinonsMovie · 11/09/2016 21:35

I think you are grieving and they are grieving.
A solution to the money thing is to buy something on their behalf with the money.
Stereotypical old people don't go on holiday, so this is a good thing, they are staying young and making their moments count.
You are maybe projecting - death has a funny way of highlighting the passage of time.
So I think YABU, but I think it is allowed and I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

Pagwatch · 11/09/2016 21:36

It doesn't sound like being old before their time.

It sounds like they have decided to enjoy themselves while they still can.

Your children will be fine. If they think a lack of presents represents a 'raw deal' then they could do with a break from being indulged TBH.

RiverTam · 11/09/2016 21:37

He died just last week. Everyone needs time to grieve. Don't overthink anything now.

Oh, and teach your DC to appreciate their GPs, and whatever they give them, for heaven's sake.

CatNip2 · 11/09/2016 21:39

With parents in their 80s who I dearly love I don't get the holiday issue. Having elderly parents and relatives is hugely stressful for their children who are often carers of their parents and their children, the holiday was probably a stress relief after years of looking after grandad and possibly not being able to holiday as much as they would have liked. Also having very elderly relatives makes you very aware that no one is immortal, and we all die sometime. Let the parents deal with this their way.

The money for birthdays isn't an issue that I can see, my MIL has given money to my kids since about 8, she makes no boss about the fact that she has no many GC and now GGC test dye just can't be arsed anymore!

BombadierFritz · 11/09/2016 21:40

the holiday sounds a very good idea. the money for gifts, well, you could be happy the kids get money, or ask your parents if you can buy something for them to give with the money? I have always just bought the presents from my parents and they reimburse me
having just lost my parent, it is far far far worse than losing my grandparents, and it does make you realise 'you are next' so to speak. I have been quite odd and irrational. its grief
sympathies for your loss also Flowers

roundandroundthehouses · 11/09/2016 21:42

I'm sorry for your trouble Flowers. But beyond the age of 7 or 8 it gets really hard to buy presents for children - there are so many different things that they might be 'into'. I have teenagers now and the only way I can buy presents for the children of our family is literally asking their parents to tell me what to get. Money is a great gift for an older child - they can spend it on something they really want, or save it up.

The holiday - sorry, but YABU. One of them has just lost a parent, and they are entitled to grieve in whatever way seems best for them.

roundandroundthehouses · 11/09/2016 21:46

The 'old before their time' is also a bit puzzling. Buying presents for older children is tricky at any age. And I thought you were going to say they'd put on slippers and cardigans and shut themselves indoors, not that they'd gone off on holiday!

user1471734618 · 11/09/2016 21:51

How is that 'getting old before their time'?
they want to stop giving tat and have gone on holiday?
What is the problem exactly?

redshoeblueshoe · 11/09/2016 21:52

I am sorry to hear about your GF Flowers You were very lucky to have him. I never met my GF's as they both died when my DP's were little children.
It is very stressful looking after an elderly parent and I bet they need a break.
As for the presents - there are about eleventy million threads on here moaning about the crap presents that GP's have bought - you however can go and buy your DC what you know they would like.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2016 21:53

They're not old before their time if they've jetted off on holiday.

Money is great for birthday presents!

DivorceBadger · 11/09/2016 21:55

If having lots of fun is 'getting old before your time' call me Mabel and hand me a Worthers Original.

Happycamper78 · 11/09/2016 21:57

I understand what you mean about deciding to be old - my parents gave away their big pans at 65 and announced no more family dinners, it's our turn to cook. But be happy that they are going away - my parents are now having mobility problems and I worry because they can't go on holiday...so let them make the most of life while they still can.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 11/09/2016 21:59

We lost my Nanna and Dad pretty close together four years ago, and my Mam got a bit like this. She and Dad always did everything together, and she just didn't want to do it alone. Anyway, since then, she gives me some money and I buy presents for my younger children, wrap them, and she gives them. The children don't know any difference, and I can get things they really want that Nanna wouldn't perhaps think of, and everyone is happy.
Maybe you could do this with your parents?

user1471734618 · 11/09/2016 21:59

" let them make the most of life while they still can."

for goodness sake, they are probably about 50.

MinonsMovie · 11/09/2016 22:01

user1471734618
Yes, people often had children at 44 in 1966... Hmm

user1471734618 · 11/09/2016 22:02

also OP, whining about your child getting a 'raw deal' smacks of greed and acquisitiveness. Should they save their money just for you and your children? Is that what it is?
Good grief, some children do not even have grandparents.
'A raw deal' indeed!

Reallyhard · 11/09/2016 22:05

Both sets of GPs have given money for my DC for years now (and my oldest is only 7). It it's so much better than gifts the kids don't want/don't like/already have. I can pick something suitable myself, or put it towards a bigger present. Now my DS is beginning to understand the value of money sometimes he wants the cash if he's saving up for something himself.

PerspicaciaTick · 11/09/2016 22:06

I have a friend whose grandparents all died when she was very young, leaving her father an orphan (if that is the right word) in his mid 40s. He really struggled to come to terms with the idea that it was his turn next, that there was nobody from an older generation left between him and his own death.
I don't think there is enough information in the OP for us to be able to guess at what the OP's parents feel about all this.

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