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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At parents getting old before their time..

61 replies

Rabbitroad29 · 11/09/2016 21:20

My grandad aged 94 died last week and I am so upset and stressed at the way my parents are behaving .
It's almost as if they have decided they have to become the elderly of the family.
They have announced that they won't be buying my kids birthday or Christmas presents anymore because they want to just give money ( my kids are 8, 9 and 11)
They have also gone on holiday despite my grandad dying because "our friends told us to enjoy life")
My husbands family are all in Brazil and I am just getting upset and wound up by the raw deal my kids get. My daughter loves little gifts and like she said I'm not a teenager !

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/09/2016 22:07

" Oh noooooo, I've got money Sad" said no child EVERWink

user1471734618 · 11/09/2016 22:10

" I don't think there is enough information in the OP for us to be able to guess at what the OP's parents feel about all this."

no because it all about OP and her children not getting enough stuff from the grandparents.
Why shouldnt they go on holiday? Should they stay home and wear sackcloth?
you do not know how you will behave when bereaved until it happens to you. for example I thought my friend was very cold hearted being down the pub the night his mum died. A few months later the same happened to me and where did I go? To the pub.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 11/09/2016 22:11

my children are 7 and 8 and my parents give money but generally I choose something with the children for it, they often use most of it and put the rest away in their money boxes to use during the year. I don't see that as my parents being old, i just think it is sensible.

and speaking as someone with a MIL who was widowed at 50 and with my father in care at a young age already I agree, they have to make the most of their lives now. Perhaps they have had bad news about a friend and this has made them realise how short life really is.

Dailymailisacrapnewspaper · 11/09/2016 22:12

Yes, people often had children at 44 in 1966…

Of course they did- especially men (and it was the grandad). Someone who was 44 is 1966 would have been born in 1922 and so would have spent their youth in the armed forces.

And 1966 was before the pill was widely used (only available from 1961 for married women and 1967 for all) and so women often had children much later in life than they did after its introduction.

LunaLoveg00d · 11/09/2016 22:18

OP I know where you're coming from. Over the past decade my in laws who are in their very early 70s have aged drastically. They think themselves "too old" to go shopping or actually buy presents for the kids and we're expected to buy things for them, wrap them and pretend they're from the grandparents while they just send us a cheque. It's just as if it's all too much bother for them and whenever we go to see them all they want to do is sit and watch Countdown....

It's not easy.

redshoeblueshoe · 11/09/2016 22:18

DailyMail I think you might be one of my siblings Grin

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 11/09/2016 22:19

For goodness sake op you have lost your grandfather after a long life. This is sad, but one of them has lost a parent. If this is the way they are coping with that loss by getting a break from it, then all power to their arm.

As harsh as it sounds, at this point in time, their needs and wants take precedence to yours and absolutely take precedence to your children taking a huff over Christmas presents in September.

user1471734618 · 11/09/2016 22:20

" It's not easy."

oh get a cop on to yourself Luna.
Of my childrens grandparents when they were born , one was dead, one was estranged and probably in prison, one was remarried with new improved children, and one was living in a different country.
Some people just sound so whiny and spoilt.

clippityclop · 11/09/2016 22:30

One of your parents has suffered the loss of their father! You sound ridiculously selfish.There's no greater reminder of one's own mortality than the death of a parent. The fact that they want to make the most of their time by having fun and travelling is to be applauded. Did they care for your grandad before he died? The business of what they give their grand children is nobody's business but their own, and you should be encouraging your children to be grateful they have grandparents at all. Most kids get to an age where they like to have money to save and buy something special anyway.

MudCity · 11/09/2016 22:30

YABU. What's the problem with your children receiving money as a gift? At least they are getting something and can put it towards an item they really want....

As for going on holiday...why not get away during a potentially stressful time? As previous posters have said, we all respond to loss differently...they don't have to do what you would do.

I can't see that your children are getting a raw deal at all. They have grandparents who are alive and who acknowledge their existence. If you feel that having grandparents in Brazil is a raw deal then take them to Brazil to see them or something. If your husband is also from Brazil then surely you knew where his parents were when you married him / had children with him? What's the raw deal?

Topseyt · 11/09/2016 22:35

Sorry about the loss of your grandad. However, I find your thinking here a little curious to say the least.

Your children being given money for birthdays and Christmas is not a raw deal at all, assuming that they give a realistic amount, not just pence each.

Why shouldn't your parents go on holiday? What's wrong with enjoying life while they still can?

Sometimes the death of a relative causes people to stop and think about what they want to achieve from life while they are still able, and why not?

I opened the thread thinking it would be saying that they were sitting around moping all the time. That would have been getting old before their time, not giving money to your children and going off on holiday. Confused

marvik · 11/09/2016 22:37

To be honest if my 95 year old father in law died in the next few months, it would be such a relief for my husband. He is the only relative around to look after his Dad. It's a massive responsibility and every time we book even a UK holiday, we're holding our breath in case there's a call from the warden of the sheltered housing where he lives. There's a time when mind and body wear out, and death is a release to all concerned.

roundandroundthehouses · 11/09/2016 22:40

Well yes, there's that as well. Of my children's grandparents, one is dead, one in the US, one in a different part of the UK and mostly uninterested and the other - my own mother - is 87 with a brain injury. She has always given them money as presents, btw, and, far from moaning about it, I'm just happy that they have one grandparent who, to the best of her limited ability, has taken a small amount of interest in them.

When my mother passes away, I plan to take the tiny amount of money she is leaving me and go on holiday. It's what she's asked me to do with it and, after spending years - my dds' entire childhood - with Mum to look after as well, I will really need to take some time away.

Memoires · 11/09/2016 22:48

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Death's effects are many and varied. The loss of a father/fil is a big deal so your parents are effected strongly, you know that it'll be your turn next. You can spend a long time being too infirm to do much, where life becomes a bit of a burden; maybe your gf, at 94, had spent a long time not really living - I bet he wasn't jetting off on holiday, or goi dancig at night, or just popping off to the cinema for the evening etc. My mum, when in her 80s, said you have to be strong to be old. It's difficult and painful, and you get slow and tired, and every outing, even to the shops, needs to be planned and is more of a trial.

It sounds like they have decided to enjoy life while they have their strength and enthusiasm, while they can.

BackforGood · 11/09/2016 22:50

I agree with everyone else - I don't see what you've posted in your OP has to do with your title.

How is going on holiday "getting old"
How is giving dc a really useful gift such as money an indication of 'being old' ?

Xmasbaby11 · 11/09/2016 22:52

As others have said, I can't see the connection between the money for presents and feeling disappointed.

My DC are 2 and 4 and their gp are all alive, in their late seventies. The GP occasionally buy a birthday/Xmas present but always ask first to check it's suitable and they prefer to be told exactly what to buy. Sometimes they just give money. Last year my 2yo had a tenner in her card (didn't know until we opened it). Growing up, I was always given money (which my parents bought me presents with sometimes). It seems quite normal to me.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 11/09/2016 22:56

I am sorry for your loss. But I agree with others that you seem not to be acknowledging the fact it is possibly a greater loss for your parent, who has lost his or her parent.

I agree, again, that I don't see how what they're proposing is in any way bad, or to do with seeing themselves as 'elder'. I can see how they might have found this death prompted them to small changes in their own lifestyles, especially if they'd been feeling they needed to be contactable during your grandfather's old age, or if he's left them money that allows them to travel now.

But surely, it is quite normal for grandparents to do these things? Giving money, especially, seems to me very kind and practical, and not a 'raw deal' at all.

Mycraneisfixed · 11/09/2016 23:04

Sad you lost a grandparent but you really need to grow up. You're sounding like a spoiled brat having a strop because things aren't going exactly as you want them to.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 11/09/2016 23:08

Sorry to derail, but hello LRD good to see you again!

StillMedusa · 11/09/2016 23:11

Crikey, my Mum (not old ..69) has been sending money for xmas/birthdays for many years! As did my dad before he died. She did this because it was easier for her if we chose the kids' presents because we live with them! I just used to tell them that that pressie was from Granny, and they loved it!

And going on holidays.. brilliant! I wish my Mum would leave her cats long enough to do that! That's not being elderly.. quite the opposite! Good on them!

CodyKing · 11/09/2016 23:17

Money gifted to the children in the early years was spent on days out -

Money now is saves for something they want that's out of reach normally

Your 8 year old should be grateful she has grandparents who send gifts of any description - teach her some manners and say thank you

SusieGreen · 11/09/2016 23:58

My daughter loves little gifts and like she said I'm not a teenager !

I think your parents are the least of your worries with an attitude like this. Wonder where she gets it?
If your parents want to holiday, good for them. If you don't find cash acceptable, don't accept it.

user1471734618 · 12/09/2016 00:00

YOu should not have discussed it with your daughter anyway. Now she will also think that her grandparents are mean, when they are not.

balletcats · 12/09/2016 00:05

Blimey Perspic, both my parents died before I was 33! I don't think in those terms! Grin

OP, your grandad was very old Flowers and I daresay your own parents felt life was on hold a bit as a result. My grandmother died in 1996, when I was 14, and my own parents were the same and went on holiday so much that in all truth and honesty I got a tad sick of it - I never saw my friends! However, as things turned out my mother only survived her own mum by two years and died in 1998.

My dad actually died on holiday. Went on a plane, went surfing, climbed a mountain,mad a heart attack Sad I miss him like crazy but ultimately he died somewhere beautiful doing something he loved. Life's short and at the risk of sounding a bit trite, tell your parents to do everything they dreamed of and enjoy it.

ImissGrannyW · 12/09/2016 00:10

I'm sorry for your loss, which I totally acknowledge, but I clicked on this thread because my dad died in his late 60s (too young!) and MY mum's idea of doing what your title suggests is booking herself into an old people's home (she's younger than he was). This breaks my heart into a gazillion pieces. I'd LOVE her to jet off somewhere and see the world. HER idea of being old before her time is measuring out the space for her grave next to his.

So forgive me for feeling impatient with OP, who's thread seems to be about all she can grab for her DC, and NOTHING about where her parents might be from.

Not trying to be MN viper, but very upset by what I was expecting to read and have instead read!